2 years since oncology follow up

I am 6 years out and missed several oncology follow up appointments. I have such anxiety going to the oncologist I mean "panic attacks" so I just stopped going. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I sent my oncologist an email today telling him I need to get on track. I am scheduled for a mammogram in two weeks. I dont miss those!  October is a blue month for me. I know I should be celebrating since I am alive however the smells, the cool air, the changing of the trees always' takes me back to my initial diagnosis. I have been depressed and teary today.....happy I have a place to vent XXOO to all!