Stop Telling Me How I Should Feel

perky · October 2011

perky · October 2011

I have this friend who asks how I feel about having to have a total hysterectomy and I say very very angry. She tells me that, that isn't right, I should be feeling sad, scared, unsure, etc. etc.

Which of course, made me VERY, VERY, ANGRY!

What is so awful about being angry about being in a frustrating situation? Why do I have to feel something different than that? Is anger an offensive emotion? I don't get it. On the other hand, I suspect that If I said I felt sad or scared, she would said I should feel angry.

Anyone else?

flash · October 2011

Grrrrrrrr. You feel however you want to feel. It's not someone else's perogative to dictate your feelings. this goes along with the "oh you have to be positive" problem. Dagnabit, if you want to be angry, it's okay to be angry. It's okay to have any emotion you wish, why not?

exbrnxgrl · October 2011

Your feelings are just that,yours! You have every right to feel as you do and no one should marginalize them.

perky · October 2011

Thank you! I don't plan on being angry forever but that is how I feel today. I don't get why someone can't just accept how you are feeling and say oh, sorry you feel (insert emotion here).

orangemat · October 2011

Maybe your friend (who means well, of course) feels that anger isn't a constructive emotion. Anger just IS.

LuvRVing · October 2011

My DH told me it was ok to get mad! I think getting angry is part of the healing/mourning process. It's something we probably all go through at some point along this journey. So long as you don't get stuck there...

perky · October 2011

I would rather be angry than a passive victim. And sometimes is really is about me. When I have more energy I will make a better effort into making everyone else feel good about what I am going through.

perky · October 2011

BTW, I am making plans for different ways to work out after the surgery and I am feeling less trapped which is a huge relief. So I know I won't be angry forever.

peggy_j · October 2011

Arg! Sorry that happened. Now I'm feeling angry. (and I feel like I'm going to turn into the incredible hulkette and burst out of my clothes in anger...;) Anyway, I agree with everyone else. You have the right to your feelings. And from everything I've read it's WAAAY healthier to acknowledge and stay in touch with your actual feelings than to stuff them down or start feeling bad about them (no feelings about feelings). That said, I'm sorry your friend isn't so helpful. I'm sure people mean well but not everyone knows what to do or say. And some people are downright clueless or unhelpful. I learned that I need to stay away from some friends when I'm not feeling my best. I read an article about talking to cancer patients (a.k.a. us) and their first suggestion was: ask how the person is feeling and just listen and not judge/project/tell stories they've heard, etc. One of my friends did that for me when I was going through a really bad period, and I felt so relieved. So I definitely have my mental list of friends who are empathetic listeners and that's who I call when I'm down. When the others ask, I sometimes say something vague and then change the subject.

perky · October 2011

Thanks and you are right. I have sure learned what not to do from some of my "friends" and family. A co-worker told me yesterday that she recently lost her mom and I was very careful to keep it about her and what she is feeling and needing. I am noticing that I have some friends that only let you talk long enough for them to say "Uh huh, I know, here's what happened to me" so I'm not sure if they are able to empathize at all.

tarry · October 2011

I get this some from my DH, who has been my constant companion through this journey. Partly they have false beliefs. But sometimes I think it is an effort to help. Other times it might be an attempt to get some control over a very scary situation. I stay away from it a much as possible, and try to shut down the conversations or change the topic.

Your problems may alert others to their own agendas. To see how much it is really about them, try saying, "this is not helpful.". Or just remind yourself they really are speaking from their needs, at least so much of the time.

Denise2730 · October 2011

I'm angry and depressed and I believe I am definitely stuck in this place. All my mental thoughts are "why bother getting up", "so what", "who cares". Not a good place to be but I don't know what else to do to get out of this place. I see a doctor for my depression, I'm on Lexapro but I just feel like there is nothing to go on for in my life.

perky · October 2011

Chiluver-Don't feel that way! (Just kidding).

That first year is a doozy and you are right in the middle of it. Sounds like you are doing everything right by contacting your doctor and a lot of us benefit from venting here, finding a support group or counsilor or just giving it time. I can't even remember how long it took me to get my sea legs and then just as I start down a path something else knocks me sideways and it MAKES ME MAD. We are all doing what we can and are here for you no matter how you are feeling.

Denise2730 · October 2011

I really need to see a therapist. I'm not sure what I'm so angry and sad about. Is it my cancer? My husbands death last year? I'm trying to reenter the dating scene after many years married and the more jerks I run into, the more I miss my husband. Lord, he wasn't the perfect husband, (and I wasn't the perfect wife) but compared to these guys out there now he was.

peggy_j · October 2011

chiluvr1228, wow, you've really been through a lot in a short amount of time. FWIW, I married late (met my DH in my late 30s) and even then dating sucked (even when I didn't have a nice husband that was taken away from me). I wish I could help. (((hugs))) Maybe talking to a therapist would help. My counselor suggested writing stuff down in a journal. When I did it, I often cried and felt crappy that day (and the next) but often a few days later I felt like I made some progress emotionally. Some of this takes time too. Maybe you can do things that are nice for yourself, like a massage or ??? My clinic has a bunch of support classes for cancer patients. I've only gone to the "healing imagery" class (like massage) but it helped me relax and I gotta say sometimes it's nice to be around "my tribe" since they understand. Take care

Onecent46 · January 2012

It isn't right for someone to tell you how you should feel about things. My cousin went with me to my first appointment with the onc. After the dr told me about all the treatments I'd have to go through, I was overwhelmed. I started to tear up and my cousin says to me, DON'T CRY! You are going to be fine. Don't cry? I was just told I would have months of bone pain and nasueau and hair loss ahead of me among other things. I have a right to cry if I want to. There were times when I was so frustrated with my shirts not fitting because I was flat and If I'd say anything about it, she would say, YOU WILL HAVE BOOBS! Stop worrying about that. I would get so angry. I finally couldn't hold it in anymore. I let it all out on her. Made her cry but at the same time she finally got it. She wasn't the one going through it. She wasn't the one that is living without boobs or going through chemo. You can't tell anyone how they should feel. That's ridiculous.

jankc · January 2012

It seems weird to ask someone how they feel about a total hysterectomy and when they're told, proceed to tell the person they shouldn't feel that way...! She was probably playing amateur psychiatrist and thought she was helping. It doesn't matter what she thinks; what matters is what you think since you're the one going through it.

perky · January 2012

I haven't had any contact with that "friend" since and I am so glad.

leaf · January 2012

Good for you, perky!

Stop Telling Me How I Should Feel

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