Questions about sister in law and hospice

Hello,

My sister in law (whose like a sister to me) just came home from the hospital. She has stage 4 breast cancer w/mets to her spine, liver and brain. She has decided not to accept any more Radiation therapy or chemo. She went into the hospital last Sunday because she didn't feel well (unable to walk, having problems with her vision and her breathing). Ironically, problems with her breathing is what started this long journey. First she was diagnosed with pneumonia, then COPD and finally stage 4 breast cancer.

They brought the hospital bed to my brother in law's house and she was talking to the hospice nurse tonight. She is still able to talk, but basically bedridden at this point. My husband and I live close by to their home. Her sister (Julie), who also is a hospice assistant, is also staying with her at their home.

I would like to talk with my sister in law before she goes and tell her how much she means to me and how much she has changed my life. I would also like to give her a necklace that's significant to me. We went to see her when she was in the hospital and she explained her choices to us. I was really quiet and didn't have much to say, except that it had to be a difficult choice and she has to do what's right for her. I didn't really speak that day, since I felt it was my job to listen.

I would like to talk to my sister in law before she is put on morphine, however she stills seems to be in good spirits now and I don't want to ruin that. Unfortunately, my husband has not been able to speak with his brother yet. We have no time frame for how long this process is going to take.

I don't know if I should be there for her through this whole process, from the beggining to the very end ( I feel like she was my sister, but we are not biologically related). Or if I should let her husband and her sister go through this with her privately. No one has really told us what their wishes are. I've offered once or twice to take her daughter out, but I've actually been told her daughter is clinging very close to her dad right now.

 I know that she will pass away obviosly, however I am unsure if she is going to stay at home. When she had spoken to me, she wanted to go somewhere else to die, because of her daughter. She wanted to go to the same place her mother and sister passed away. I am not sure at some point if she will be moved.

I have prayed a lot and fasted. At this point even though I am very, very sad I am making peace with her decision. I want to be there for my brother in law. However, my mother in law who lives next door is at a very different point in  her grieving process, (anger/blame) so I have just avoided her because she makes me depressed. When my sister in law passes I would like to actively help my brother in law with tasks, instead of be left with my mother in law next door who seems to take me from calm to hysterical in a matter of minutes because she is chronically depressed.Just to give you an idea, my sister in law's sister (Julie), said my mother in law should be medicated. And she has only been with my mother in law for a week. My mother in law yelled at Julie because she was angry at Maryanne for not doing the radiation. She thinks my sister in law is being selfish. I want to be respectful of other people's feelings while being respectful of my mine as well. I am starting to envision my sister in law as an angel and I would like to keep a positive image of her in my mind.

Can someone please explain what this process is going to be like? When should I speak with my sister in law? Is there a certain time frame for passing once your past a certain point? Should we broach the subject with our brother in law or wait for him to come to us? My husband and him are not that close. I have bought a couple of childrens books for his daughter about cancer. I thought about leaving the books at the house and he can do with them what he wants. I have other books to about death and dying but I don't feel like it's right to give them to him yet.

My worst fear is that for four weeks before my sister in law went into the hospital she didn't want to see anyone. I know it's selfish, but I'm afraid that since she's home again, she's going to not want to see anyone. Of course, if these are her wishes I will follow them. I'm just afraid I will be locked out of the last few moments of her life and left on the outside with my mother in law, when I would really like to be close with my brother in law, his daughter and his wife. I feel in a way I am being selfish again, but i would like to enjoy her beautiful spirit in my life as long as possible and avoid those who will make it difficult for me to cope.

What is this process gong to be like? What can we expect? If they move her will they wait until a certain point? I'm not asking out of morbid curiosity. I just want to have a better understanding of what will go on.