MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

Ok today starts the BIG prep, as drink my coffee without cream. YUCK. I have to take my gallon of water to work with me--supposed to start at 1pm---my boss has me scheduled till 3--told her I may have to bug out early. Its a 20 minute drive to my house. Can I make it?? Have to go shopping for a really big bag for everyone to fit in tomorrow. OOH boy, can't wait. What really bothers me the most about a colonscopy is that you don't get to keep the weight off that you lose!!! No fair, you go thru sooo much to lose it!!!

Ok, I hope some of you who have or have had teens can help me out here. I was really mad yesterday but I have calmed down a little. My daughter is 15 and about 4 months ago we allowed her to start dating a friend who was 17. The rules were only in a group or at one of their houses with confirmed parental supervision. We felt the age were pushing it and also warned that if he couldn't respect her age and the fact that she was not in the same place as someone who is almost an adult. Well, a few weeks ago, some of what he said and did weren't matching up and I warned her to be careful and watch. She has and yesterday discovered that he has been lying about his age. It turns out he is not fraternal twins with his brother as he stated and he is really 18, not 17. I was really angry because with the other stuff he has done, I just don't trust him now and neither does she. The issue is that she is really attached and already struggling with my cancer. In addition, I start chemo tomorrow and don't know how much more she is going to have to deal with. He also called last night and left her a message that he was on the way to the hospital and would not be in school today-no other explanation, which I think was really manipulative as well because who wouldn't tell the person what it was for so they wouldn't worry? She is a really good girl and super smart and the truth is, I just don't know how to help her for the first time. She has to break up with him and she knows it is for the best, but she has asked this morning if she can still be friends with him because he has become important in her life and would still like to be there as a friend for him.

I think some of what is going on is guilt. In order to see her, he left his church and has been alienated by his family members that are still a part of that church. So, he has gone through a lot to be able to go out with her. On the other hand, she is smart, beautiful and really sweet, so I feel he just likes how she makes him feel and that is why he did all this, not because he really cared about her. Does that make sense? Any thoughts that might help me figure this out would be appreciated. I am not sure if I am glad for the distraction from chemo starting tomorrow or if I am mad that I can't spend today relaxing and getting prepared. I can't think straight because I am was already worried about how cancer and its treatment would prevent me from being there for her like I need to and now I'm even more worried about that. 

I know this was long, sorry, I just need some outside views cause I am so emotional with everything going on that I'm not even sure how I should feel or react to it all.  

Yeah, he doesn't know yet that she found out about his age. She wanted to not talk to him until she had a day or two to regain the strength she needed to tell him it is over. You are right...red flags are red flags and I can't just ignore them because it will give a short-term fix to her sadness. 

MY POOR BOOB!!!!!!!  Okay boob and armpit!  I am really sore, started peeling this weekend and hurts so much.  I do have lidocaine I mix with Aquaphor and it helps temporarily.  My nipple is so raw and all the skin around it has peeled and is raw.  When I got up this morning there was a damp stain on my t-shirt and a matching one on the sheet.  I sleep on my left side (rad side) and try so hard to fall asleep in a different position, but always wake up on the left.  So the peeling is weepy at night.  Grrrrrr.  I am leaving for rads in a few minutes, am curious to see if they will do treatment or not.  It looks pretty sad.   Only a few treatments left so really just want to get them over with and not have any more delays.

Okay whine over!  I hope you are all doing well.  Hang in there Lee Ann!

I 'saw' Eli and Marybe, Amy and Chrissy on Facetime for iPad last night. They are having a blast in MO.

LeeAnn, I totally agree with Janis and NativeMainer.  He's lying and manipulative, all not good signs for any kind of relationship!  I wish you the best and to your DD.  Kitty

Janis-I posted this back in Nov '09 on the Oct '09 rad thread.  I was really "raw" by the time my last boost was done.  My RO gave me the following tip & I must say it worked it's healing magic fairly quickly.

 "My rad onc had me soak a washrag with a solution of 1/2 hydrogen peroxide and 1/2 water and I would lay that washrag on the places where I was coming apart and then air dry. I healed quite quickly using that remedy."

No not yet Eph

Lee Ann - don't you hate that things always seem to happen at the same time? I am so sorry you have chemo starting just as your daughter is dealing with this! Such a bummer that the "friend" is turning out to be festooned with warning signs. My girls are 14 1/2 and 16, and so far we've been boyfriend-free, thank goodness. On the good side, it sounds as though your 15 year old is past that awful early teenage stage of irrationality. I think of it as being a toddler, only with better arguing skills. My 14 year old, for example, would specifically NOT drink water when we were at an amusement park mid-summer and it was 98 with 90+% humidity, just because I asked her to. So if your daughter is aware of the fact that it's time to let this fish go, that's a good thing. My youngest would specifically hang onto the guy, just because I suggested possibly she shouldn't. The longer we go before she gets into a relationship, the better - otherwise, you'll see us on Montel.

Girls usually don't get to keep boys as "just friends," especially as teenagers, because usually the boy hasn't moved on. Since she's in high school still, hopefully she'll have lots of good distractions to keep her busy and grounded. I dated a guy in my early 20's who lied about his age to make himself younger. He also lied about other things, as it turned out. To me, lying about his age (and twin status!) is a pretty substantial lie about who he is as a person, and it's usually a sign of BIG character flaws. That kind of lie cancels out the good stuff, to my mind. One basic red flag I always talk to my girls about is the older-teenage-boy, younger-girl thing. Our next door neighbor boy dated a 17 year old when he was 20 - he was not successful with his own age range, but this cute 17 year old was very impressed that an older guy liked her. There are SO many differences in maturity level and stage of life between 15 and 18, even if they allegedly have magical chemistry and he's a late bloomer and she's mature for her age. It's more about life experience.

One thing I will add: consider having your daughter write down her concerns and the reasons she thinks she needs to break up with him. Sometimes if you're a sweet person and a smooth, seemingly nice guy has you in his grasp but you need to be tough and break away, it's necessary to STUDY your thoughts so you can be strong and committed to your actions. 

She's lucky to have a great mom like you that she can talk to and get support from! Good luck to you with your overly-busy "middle" moments this week!

Coleen 

LeeAnn I'm the mom of a 15 and an 18 year old and I just want to send you a hug and tell you to trust your instincts.  

Pomegranite is appropriate this week--one of the symbols we use for the Jewish New Year.  The tradition tells us to do as many good deeds as there are seeds in a pomegranite- 613 (perhaps an overestimate .) 

Claire make room for me!!!  I will bring so sweet treats as well! 

I won the mystery pic, yahoo!  Maybe I should run to the store and get a lottery ticket, I feel lucky!

Elimar, thanks for sharing your pictures of Chrissy's visit.

Just to quickly address older boys and younger girls, I have worked with adolescents in mental health settings for 20+ years and this was a reoccuring theme. In group they would talk about how flattering it was etc. I let them talk most of group about this situation and then at the end I asked them to do a writing assignment on what type of boys they would be dating once out of HS.  Not one of them said they would be dating boys in HS. We would then talk about why not and they all, yes everyone of them broke up with their older boyfriends (some males were in their mid 20's dating 15&16 year olds) It was such a simple fix LOL

((((((((Hauntie)))))))))