Stupid Story & Any Recommendations for Therapy/Retreat/

Hey Jen,

I fought going to a counselor for a long time. Finally about a year after being diagnosed-right about 4 months after active treatment ended, I gave in.  All I can tell you is that is was the BEST thing I could have done.  I was still feeling scared, actually terrified, on the inside but everyone thought I was completely fine.  I functioned incredibly well for someone consumed by fear- took care of my kids, went through the motions of my day, etc.  But that was the thing-I was simply going through the motions.  When my kids would come home from school I was physically there but emotionally I was creating distance because I just thought I would be dead soon anyway.  I was very distracted in my head but no one could really tell-although I suspect my kids felt something was up.  Anyway, the counselor I saw helped me come to terms with all I had been through.  I went once a week for maybe about 6 months or so.  The first session or two we really did not touch on my big issues.  It took some time before I could admit how scared I was.  Once that happened and we talked it all through week after week, I emerged so much more together.  My outside facade finally matched how I was feeling inside-not sure if that makes sense.  In other words, I really found a sense of peace.  Now, don't get me wrong-I still have moments of fear but I am certainly not obsessing on cancer like I did before.  Anyway- I say look into therapy but make sure you click with whoever you see.  The counselor I saw worked specifically with people dealing with cancer and the aftermath-she was at the hospital where I was treated.  She seemed to understand me immediately.  Also, I tried group counseling with other bc people but when they heard I had 6+ nodes they would gasp so I gave up on that group. lol

Great story...nice to know I'm not alone in doing things like that   I've thought about therapy myself, I hate to admit that it might have come to that but I actually think I might need it.  Physically I'm getting by, you know chemo/rads done but mentally I'm all jacked up at times.  You're not alone.

I have good insurance that covers therapy and psychiatrists, but it was really hard to find someone in my plan here.  I did OK, not great but OK, until I was in the middle of radiation.  Then I just lost it. Tried seeing a therapist, she just didn't work out well.  Tried to find someone to prescribe me antidepressants, couldn't find anyone on my plan.  It was awful.  I had really, really dark thoughts and could not find anyone I could afford to see (my primary is wonderful, but the wait to see her is months).  After I started feeling a little better on my own, I finally found a psychiatrist I like who's on my insurance.  No therapist for a while, but now  I'm trying out a new one.

But the psychiatrist is leaving her practice.  I think now, having been through that, even though I'm doing much better I want to have my ducks in a row.  I'm trying to find anohter psychiatrist  because I don't want to go through that awful feeling of not being able to find someone who could help me again.

I don't judge myself harshly for needing this kind of support, what would be the point?  This is awful to go through.  I just want to get through and live my life as best I can now.  Therapy has helped me at another point a while back in my life, and I'm hopeful it can make a difference again. 

I second the retreat and meditation ideas.  I've done a different retreat in my area, met some great people, learned more about survivorship.  Meditation is something I'm trying to work out kinds with.  Sometimes I'm just too anxious to do it when I'm alone.

I've also really benefited from a support group that's for people who have been diagnosed with any cancer, not just breast cancer.  I think what we have in common is that our diagnoses have been all pretty bad.  I tried a support group for women with breast cancer, but some of the women had DCIS and that was hard for me at stage III.  I also felt like it wasn't as well facilitated, and that's really, really important for a group.   

And I don't think your story is stupid at all.  I worry about every tiny sensation in my back.  I worry about everything in my body 3000% more since my diagnosis.  

Coming to these boards, and delving into my personal spriituality has helpd me a lot psychologically.

Barb