Who are you and what have you done with me?

Hi Jenbal,

I have no words of wisdom, but your post really resonated with me. I am feeling the same way, and feel like it's a struggle to put my life back together. Thank you for posting - it makes me feel a little more "normal".

Karen

Ok, the only sugestion I have is the impossible in this economy.  Find a job that isn't all consuming.  It sounds as though you could use things that make you happy and bring you in contact with other people, like the book club, church or exercise.  I know you said that you don't have time and you can't get into it.  What did you like to do as a child?  Chances are you still like  it.  I restarted violin and reading which I loved as a child.  I know about the kid.  I almost had a meltdown recently when my daughter got a new boyfriend who she is with 24/7.  I'm single. Can you start a walking group? Check out meetup (type meetup + your city in the search bar) for a group you might like.  Change therapists.  I, being a brat, said I wasn't going to a support group led by a 10 year old.  I found a lady my age.  Maybe medication will help.  I cried for 3 days straight because of the humidity a few days ago , air conditioners are no longer for sale, until someone said, buy a dehumidifier.  I too, in the last 2 months have lost my job, been diagnosed with BC, fell down the stairs and had surgery to repair a broken eye socket (it looks fine) moved into a studio and I can't remember what else.  I am trying to think when I do something, "will this make things better/" ie drink a beer and pout or go buy a fan. Maybe medication will help.  I am only saying what helps me. I don't know what would help you.  I used to work 60-80 hours a week.  It stressed me out and left no room for me.  If that is the problem and I don't know, maybe you can look forward to a day when you can do these things in the mean time.  Sorry if I was no help.Oh, and after having surgery after being attacked by a rottweiler, xanax helped.  That was a few years ago. If I force myself to clean up the mess and make myself look my best it helps. If I do one nice thing a day for someone else it helps. even if it is a stranger and only a compliment. Rome wasn't built in a day, you will dig yourself out day by day  Sorry for the novel.  I'm reminding myself as well as making suggestions.

I too think it is normal. Besides the cancer diagnosis...lots of other life events unfold to all. The older we get, the crap economy, the wider our circle of friends and family, the more "bad" stuff we are aware of. Aging is not for the faint of heart and time goes on and we reach milestones...empty nests etc. - I think in the cancer aftermath..."normally" occurring events are magnified.

I coped by a version of the one day at a time thing...on bad days it was one task at a time.

Life is unfair and cancer is a bad hand....but eventually the fog lifted for me. I am on Tamoxifen. I think I was depressed a bit...I got cancer!!! I felt depression was a normal part of the process. I was not one who ever looked at it as a "gift" that made me more aware of every thing and thankful....I was living a pretty good ride before cancer....

Hang in there...it passes....you wake up one day and feel more like your old self...the weight comes off, the hair grows back...cancer is not your first and last thought of the day...

Jenbal, it sounds like you've really had your hands full -- although I'm convinced that fully recovering from bc is never a picnic, even when someone has little or no other stress in their life. As others have said, it is a process and I don't think the time factor can be completely minimized.  But none of us wants to wait around, hoping it will get better, especially when you feel like you do now -- which I so get.

I'm a little ahead of you in the process, and I am honestly just beginning to feel "whole" again, although I'm still frustrated with a lack of passion and direction.   But in thinking about it, there are 3 things that have clearly helped me in the past year.  

The first is walking, which I actually started 2 years ago, and which has been a sanity saver for me.  It's not only improved my shape & tone, so I feel better about my new body after a mx & DIEP, but it's given me a lot of alone time to think and reflect about everything.  And as you probably know, exercise creates endorphines, which are necessary for happiness.  And exercise also has a proven future bc recurrence prevention benefit.  One thing I like about walking is that you can start with as little as 10 mins.  In fact, we have a self-imposed "10 Minute Rule" on the Motivation thread, which you're welcome to check out and join if you're looking for motivation to exercise.  That thread has been a huge motivating factor for me.

The other thing I've figured out is so important and that we often don't take seriously enough is good sleep.  There's no way any of us can function well without it, and a lack of deep, restorative sleep can absolutely add to feelings of depression.  I actually have 3 different natural sleep aids that I rotate depending on what I think my body needs.  One is simply a stress relief thing, to quiet my mind after a busy day.

The third thing is getting out of and away from your normal routine.  I noticed during a weekend away several months ago that I wasn't thinking nearly as much about bc, and that happier mindset seemed to hold when I got home.  I think seeing new places (even if it's just a weekend overnight somewhere)  and being around people who don't know anything about our breast cancer dx can go a long way to making us feel "normal" again, and do wonders for our outlook!

Another thing I very recently did was to see a naturopathic doctor who did some extensive hormone and antibody testing.  She put me on three hormones that I desparately needed, as well identified a couple of other things that play into our well-being that my conventional docs hadn't been too interested in.   You're welcome to PM me if you'd like more info.  But I feel like it was one of the best things I've done to get my body back in balance.    (((Hugs)))   Deanna 

I can relate. When you are in the mids of treatment there are people to help and they allow you not to carry the whole world on your shoulders. You actually have time to take care of yourself because you are in survivor mode. As soon as you are supposedly better, you are back in the mids of everything and more. I go to yoga for women who have breast cancer or had. It is nice, but afterwards I have to run literally 15 blocks so I can pick up my 3 kids on time and take them to their activities, do homework with them, clean the house, make dinner and this is after working all day. I usually have a really good diet, but the last couple of weeks it has been lousy because I am so stressed with all the responsibilities. My husband finds lots of time to sit down, watch tv. I want to scream at him, I have too much stress, I am afraid my cancer will come back. Ok, I am no help, but can certainly empathize with you.

I think i was in a somewhat similar situation. I tried to get swimming time in- 15 min a dqy for 4 days a week, and two private pilates sessions. I got swim time up to 25/20 min and added in weight lifting. By the of my surgery, i was physically much more centered. Three weeks after surgery i'm starting up again.

Oh wow,  I am relating to the hubby subject, and throw my kids in there too! (13,16). They all were great during my treatment, but now that I am done, they don't realize I am still trying to cope with things. I too have been worried the cancer will come back from all the worrying and stress. I will say one thong though- my husband works lots of overtime- I feel like we work like dogs, and we are swimming in bills. I get so depressed I don't even want to open the medical bills. Today I have been really depressed. I am taking antidepressants with the tamoxifen. I am not any help, but I am appreciating the imput others are giving here!