I HATE BREAST CANCER

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Brenna-30yrsold-NYC
Brenna-30yrsold-NYC Member Posts: 34
edited June 2014 in Young With Breast Cancer
Ughhhh! let me first start off by saying I HATE BREAST CANCER! no, i REALLY HATE BREAST CANCER!!! i am from new york f'in city and i feel like i am the only one with breast cancer. i walk around this busy city looking at other women, thinking, hmmm.. i wonder is she has breast cancer... or why the F does she not have breast cancer and i do?? is that mean of me to think that? i dont know. i dont know anyone with breast cancer since i just turned 30.. except for my mom, but she had the "baby" dose of breast cancer stage 1 and had it removed and all is well, cancer is gone, blah blah... i have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my bones, bone marrow, pelvis. my mom is my least support system since shes an expert at being in denial of the seriousness of my condition. she thinks im going to be fine since she was fine after 4 months of hell. i have my entire life (aka short life) to live with this disease and it reall sucks. in the beginning i told myself i wsnt going to let this disease take over me.. NOW, i live, eat, die, shit, breast cancer.... and its not fun. Being in pain doesnt help but only to remind me how much it sucks. pain killers are there but only lessen the pain.. it doesnt fully go away. i wake and think, oh yeah.. damn, i have breast cancer.. and go to sleep.. saying.. damn, i have breast cancer. it does not leave my brain and i want it to get out of my thoughts. why cant i just NOT think about it.. like my counselor at Memorial Sloan Kettering told me.... im like thinking yeah easier said than done lady... i mean she meant well but come on... seriously now. How can one with breast cancer not think about it????? I wish i had more friends who understood. i have gotten a lot of let downs by so called "friends" who i though would be there for me. I think people my age just dont want to deal with issues they dont want to hear... it like people my age has still not grown up. I feell like an old lady... im going thru menopause for the love of god.. my body feels like its deteriorating by the hour. this really sucks. i know only time can help me live with this sickness.. i cant wait till the day that nothing phases me anymore about breast cancer... where it like im used to the "lifestyle" .... one day...anyway, i wish you all well thank you for listening to me ramble. good luck out there! xoxoBrenna 
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  • HeatherLS
    HeatherLS Member Posts: 29
    edited September 2011

    I just wanted to send some love your way. You are right, it does suck. I was diagnosed at 31 and have little kids too - the idea of not getting to watch them graduate from high school, get married, have kids, etc is terrifying. I am not going to pretend I know exactly what you are feeling because I am not stage IV but I do want to offer some support. Hang in there, Brenna, its got to get easier. The friend thing? Pretty common. Many of my closest friends left my side but I gained some great new friends who now I KNOW will be by my side no matter what - the same will happen for you. ((((HUGS))))

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  • youyourbestthing
    youyourbestthing Member Posts: 19
    edited September 2011
    Brenna - sending you lots of hugs. Yes, breast cancer sucks! The pain sucks. Menopause sucks. Uncertainty blows. Some people don't get it. Your mind goes to all kinds of crazy places. No 2 ways around it. Everything you're saying makes a lot of sense, you can't just stop thinking about it. You are not alone. I don't know how to contact them, but there is a private online community for young women with metastatic breast cancer. Please get in touch with Krysti Hughett at khughett@youngsurvival.org from the Young Survival Coalition, or hopefully someone else will chime in. (more hugs!)
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  • MustangIA
    MustangIA Member Posts: 177
    edited September 2011

    I can get you in touch with the private young mets board if you need it Brenna.  Just say the word, send me and email or FB request and I will send you the link. 

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited September 2011

    Brenna, I can so relate to what you are saying.......altho I'm 53 years old.  Just today in the middle of the day, I was out of town with my husband, and some my thoughts were of of the women on this board, any stage, any age, and I just thought "it isn't effing fair that any of us are going thru this." 

    One of the things I hate the most are overly-cheerful people.  Not that it's their fault.  They just aren't experiencing what we are.  But I feel I have no tolerance for them, and don't want to waste my time with mindless blather.  

    Yet, in saying that, I want to add that there are times I find some things funny, and I am constantly seeking things that make me chuckle or laugh....or a good book that will take me out of my present thoughts.  I also love a good movie or TV show that can lift me up out of the melancholy that seems to have colored my life.  (For example, I read the book "The Help" this summer and thought it was fabulous.  Then went to see the movie which was also great.  So, for a few hours I immersed myself in these things.)  I ride the emotional roller coaster each day, feeling good and bad, good and bad, all day long.  

    I really HATE breast canser, too.  Having read your post, you will be in my thoughts and I will be lifting you up in prayer often.  

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  • misswim
    misswim Member Posts: 931
    edited September 2011

    Brenna- I don't know what to say as I am not Stage IV, but I do relate to the anxiety, fear and all consuming nature of your diagnosis. I have tried to be positive, think positive, whathave you....... It does not come naturally for me. What I have found, though not for everyone, was getting some good anti-anxirety medication on board to help me to sleep, to focus a bit more on my treatment plan and keep it together for my kid. That said, I also think that a good cry is always warranted and therapeautic.  I am 37 and never expected to be going through chemo as I put my son into middle school. I never expected to know what I do about my body and I never expected to feel so betrayed by it. You will find a way to get through each day, because you are strong and your little one needs you, even if it is just a cuddle on the couch or reading a book. Cherish those moments, they are still there. Do the best you can to enjoy them. I will pray for you and your daughter often. Know that this website, and particularly these incredible Stage IV ladies, are full of information, loving words and support. You are not alone. HUGS. Missy

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  • Beeb75
    Beeb75 Member Posts: 325
    edited September 2011

    Hi Brenna,

    It totally sucks. But you are not alone. That girl you walked past today in NYC with the cooky short hair and perky chest -- she has breast cancer too. She is me. I go to a yoga class in Union Square for women with cancer. We are many. There are groups in NYC that do events for young women with breast cancer. I can PM you more details, but I wanted to say publicly that you are certainly not alone as a young New Yorker with breast cancer. I'm not stage IV but I know some young local women who are. Looks can be very deceiving and we never really know what horrible things others around us are going through. You have every right to think your situation sucks, but I just don't want you to feel so alone.

    Take care,

    Beeb

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  • pammyb
    pammyb Member Posts: 8
    edited September 2011

    right here with you! live in bklyn; diagnosed in 2008 at age 40 (always felt younger than my age; not so much anymore...!). i was stage 2 and now i hope i am stage "nothing," but honestly i've been having some weird symptoms, so who knows. in any case, a bunch of us younger bc gals get together in nyc; please message me if you want to get together. i've got a date to plan with beeb, as well. : ) xo

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited September 2011

    hello sweetie, I also send hugs and love your way,you are in my prayers(.msphi) idc, stage 2, L mast, reconstruction(but my body rejeted it, and chemo and rads, and on tamoxifen for 5 yrs, and misdiagnosed( first I have cancer I was told then another call I didn,t have it, a mistake with names imagine how happy I was for I was making wedding plans and the yet another call, I did indeed have breast cancer, (How about going through that roller coaster?) so yes we all go throughBUT some more than others.  I am now 17 yrs Cancer free(Praise the LORD GOD) and I never gave up or gave in. HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!msphil 

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