Recovery of Self Worth

So I just need to say this... need to write it out somewhere... and I am sure many others have had this "ah ha" moment before me, but please humor me.

Looking back - I had registered for my final semester in graduate school - the practicum bill was on my desk, Christmas was approaching, planned to spend the day with my husband shopping after the mammogram - but instead I ended up side swiped by BC, with a new biopsy hole punched in my breast, and all my efforts turned toward getting a surgery date for an obvious malignancy.  The thing in my breast looked like a claw on US - and I knew from the second I looked at it on the screen my life was changing that very second. 

I guess what I did not anticipate in those early days was the devastation it would have on my life.  Yes, chemo, rads, surgery - all that was challenging, but one day I woke up after the last of the rads and I felt worthless.  I felt worthless from so many angles it took me into a deep depression. 

I felt worthless as a wife - all my efforts to reduce estrogen must be paying off because I struggle to function as a sexual being in any capacity.  My unreconstructed body is not beautiful - no matter how many times my husband told me I was still beautiful to him... I knew my bald, sex deprived, ugly body was not beautiful.  I was so fatigued - trying to do all the things that keep the house running simply didn't get done... we went weeks without the vac ever being turned on - months with the dust piling high - and my energy level was just gone.  I used every fiber of my limited resources to do exercise - because I felt like I had to do that to survive and to somehow pull myself out of the depression - the meds for it just made me worse.

I felt worthless as an employee - I forgot so many things, put my head on my desk and just left it there for many minutes, struggled to complete tasks, went on the discussion boards over and over seeking who knows what to just make it through my work day.  My mind was no where near as keen... and I was trying to avoid anyone else figuring that out... but it left me feeling worthless.

I couldn't do school - so my worth as a learning vibrant member of the educational community was a thing of the past.  I had issues being a mother to a headstrong 19 year old girl too... felt like a failure - and was seemingly incapable of even having enough energy to care about it. I went to church, but hardly participated in any of the functions or events... I cried through songs.  I never invited people over anymore - I just couldn't entertain.  I was hurt, angry, shocked, and so many more negative emotions.  I certainly did not feel like a "survivor"... and if I was a "warrior" I was a pathetic one... I was truly buried by BC.

Many friends withdrew... the person they knew was simply not there anymore.  I lived on the surface - did very little real communicating.  Tried very hard to brush anyone's concern away. I am not sure there was ever a day when I felt I had absolutely no value or purpose in any capacity - but inside that was the mantra that was being played... and it derailed me.  I think there was a very low point when it finally dawned on me all I could ever achieve with this monster called BC - and only if I was blessed to achieve it - and who knew who would or wouldn't - was dancing with NED for whatever time I was allowed.  What was the point?  When would the next shoe drop?  When would the next scan tank everything I was doing once more?  The uncertainty of that concept captured my mind and I sank under the weight of it. I wanted to have hope - and the very nature of NED seemingly denies any long-term hope.  I wanted to go back to my old life - and people were talking about new normals.  I didn't want a new normal... I wanted it to be fixed - to be over - like a broken leg is fixed and over.  All that treatment... and it wasn't enough... I was still searching for NED... always going to be trying to hug NED... was looking at an amputated breast site in the mirror and all I was going to ever get was NED? 

I really don't know when it happened - but I started relating to people again.  I committed to things that were going to go on for a year.  I signed up to be a mentor mom to a Mothers of Preschoolers Program. I developed a friend off this board.  I began to write my thesis.  I set up several small parties with various people coming over for just a little while - including a little group of my Down Syndrome son's friends.  Today I spent the money to take the final grad course - registering for it once more... but this time I drove there and started it.  Hundreds of tiny little steps that took me back to participating instead of watching from the sidelines longing to have my old life back.

On the drive today I realized something - it is not in the "doing of things" that we/I am worth something - it is in the relationships where my/your person adds value to the life of other persons... I am valuable as a wife whether I can "perform" or not - because I bring light and love into that man's life.  I am valuable as an employee because I connect with hundreds of students daily - assisting them on their journey.  I make this house a home whether it has 4 inches of dust or not.  I am a learner again... interacting with faculty at the local college.  I am valuable as a friend because I have integrity and share my true self.  In this discovery I found hope in this day - no matter whether I am dancing with NED or not - I have value until the last moment that I touch another with my essence.  My focus has turned from what I can do/accomplish to who I can touch with my life today and I intend to dance like there will always be tomorrow.  I just needed to say - after almost 2 years... I am believing that I have something to offer once more no matter how small that is on any given day... whether I am NED or not... no matter what stage I am or end up being... whether I work at a job or not or ever complete the education or not... whether my daughter succeeds or fails...I have me to offer... I am alive today... I am worth something to this world in this day...