Am I a bitch or he does not get it?

I don't think you're being a bitch, is that how you've communicated in the past?  If it makes you feel better that he's writing the list that's good but what are you going to do with the list.  I've come to the conclusion that most men-except my son and possibly my brother generally suck in the caregiver role.  They just aren't women and don't have that part in them.  I'm not making excuses because trust me; I found out 5 days before my surgery how big an ass I am married to.  I don't think there is anything they can do that will completely satisfy us so you either have to tell him straight up what you need and how you need it or rely on your family and friends for that support.  Good luck!

Okay, no more benefit of the doubt, I agree...HE IS A JERK!    I was hoping he was just frozen in fear and needed some guidance, but I have to say you have now convinced me that his behavior is totally unacceptable.

All the things on the list I had no husband to do, but guess what.............I have 6 children all grown (fortunate for me cancer waited till I was older)...................everyone of the things on the list were tended to by my children..........I can tell you this...............my husband would never have been as attentive to me as they were................and what is worse

He died of cancer, the horrible on, pancreatic.............i was by his side constantly.........did everything for him............from the day he first went to the ER, with jaundice, until the day he passed away.........not looking for a reward, or any laurels............just wondering.............how come I knew exactly what to do, without being told...................lets stop making excuses for the husbands, and shake them into shape, no matter how it has to be done...................

Honestly - does anyone that does not have this disease get it?  Since 'Men are from Mars...' anyway, I believe that their reactions to our disease just magnifies what is already there. 

Ralston - looking at you list...I would be darn happy for the things he does do (your first section), slightly annoyed at what I would have to remind him of, and the last section - it is only 5 months new to both of you...I think you are off to a good start in section one - start moving one item at a time from the last section into the middle section - I think he is 'trainable' and you are seriously having better success with him than I have been having with some of my friends...LOL and I have had the mets for 2 years now.  The one friend that was great in the beginning, faltered lots in the middle and now since new mets has shown up - OMG...she has been the best!  Oddly, one of my friends that has always been there has really let me down during this new chapter - husbands definately don't have a monopoly on not 'getting it'. 

Don't give up...I believe you have one that is worth working on - if you learn together, while he may never totally 'get it', you will have a supportive and encouraging partner which means way more than 'getting it'.

Hugs

LowRider

Being happily single, and a widow are 2 different things...................I envy anyone who has a husband and she is past the age of 56.....................yes that is how old I was when my husband died..............ready for retirement, in a great place in our lives, and someone pulled the rug out from under us................I never re-married, or even dated because I measured everyone by "his yardstick"..........no one compared...............still when it came to trauma, my husband was like Elvis....he left the building.............I was the glue that held everything together becuase he could not handle the pressure..............did I like it...........no..........did I tolerate it...........yes.............yet he was a better patient with the pancreatic cancer when it happened, then he was with a virus during our lifetime.....................I loved him more then life itself...........and still miss him terribly 20 years later, but I still doubt he would have handled my BC in the same way I handled his cancer......................thank God for my children..........my husband was gone, father and mother gone, and had no siblings...............my children were my support that has gotten me through this so far....................I don't ask..........I don't depend on them..............they just are there...........God love them, and my 18 grandchildren too..............I am blessed..

Yes, Ducky, you're very very fortunate. I'm just turned 48 and looking at a possible death sentence in the next few years, so I feel a little envious of you and all those extra years you've had. My husband tries. Just doesn't always see the big picture.

Hi Ralston - Sorry that you're going through a tough time with your husband. I agree with others who have said that there's no saying how people will react to a cancer diagnosis. There's no roadmap to proper behaviour in this circumstance….people react differently and fear manifests itself differently in each of us. What really matters is that your partner is there for you when it matters, despite some flaws.

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. I've never experienced anything scarier in my life. My husband totally stepped up to the plate and was there for me emotionally. No, he wasn't into keeping track of appointments, doing research or reading BC related materials…..I was though, and in hindsight, I'm glad he wasn't or we would have both been obsessing a little too much over it. He was there for me in ways that mattered most to me…he always hugged me when I was down, comforted me when I was scared, went with me to appts, etc. He's not perfect, nor am I…..but I confirmed through this experience that he's the love of my life.

Who's right and who's wrong….who cares really? What matters is knowing that you're with the person who makes you feel safe, and being comforted by the knowledge that you have that special person who will always be there for you, no matter what.  I hope you have that

Ralston, I like what I am hearing.   I think you are actually in a very good place.  keep up that positive attitude, it does pack a punch!

I don't like your list AT ALL.

I like you though.  

Honey, why aren't you letting him be him?  In the top part he has hit every single thing that is important to do.  Read those top things - you have a wonderful, wonderful man.  

The rest is just a bit nuts. Just a bit. In my opinion, of course. 

Okay, I'm on decadron and speaking my mind these days, and I hope you can hear the humor in my words.  I'm very respectful of you because 15 years ago - okay, maybe even 10,  I totally would have written a list like that myself.  It's amazing I'm still married the way what he did was never good enough.

Really - think about it - HE has to research?  When you admit YOU are the research nut?  Why do you both have to do it? :::::::  You do the reading and tell him what it says.  Problem solved.  In two years I don't think my husband has read one thing about breast cancer, and it never occurred to me to even care, or even notice.  I am a research addict so I research the heck out of everything and tell him what I found.  My husband listens, as you said yours does, Listening without judging" so that's good.  The only thing my husband  has read in the years I've known him is the sports page and whatever he must for work, and I know that.  I certainly wouldn't expect him to suddenly become a specialist on medscape and arguing treatments with a doctor who has gone to school for 15 years.  Or, even have many questions.

Eye contact with the doctor????  Really?  How would you like him to solve that problem?

"Excuse me Doctor, but don't look at me.  My wife doesn't like it."

Or, would you like him to get up and walk out of the room?  I'm guessing not.  Is he supposed to look down at his hands and never look up?  I bet that would distract you too, and then you'd say he wasn't paying attention.  Or, do you want him to demand that the doctor "respect my wife by looking at her instead of me."  Don't you think that's kind of alienating?  If you have a doctor who you truly feel is a mysogonist - switch. 

Keep a calendar of appointments?  Why does he need to do that?  Is he your secretary?  Don't you do it?  Can't you just tell him when your appointment is?  Maybe you should set up google calender and interface your personal calendars with it, that way they'll sync.  I email my husband in the morning when I have other appointments besides my standing Wednesday chemo. My oncologist gives me a print-out of my months chemos and I put it on the fridge.   He doesn't go with me but it is a courtesy so he knows.  Sometimes he has to pick our son up, so then I tell him in advance.  He has his own calendar with his own appointments on it, he doesn't have to put mine in.  I don't put his doctor's appointments in my calendar - hell, half the time I forget them.

What does "help prepare for appointments" mean?  Do you want him to shower, shave?  Do you want him to buy you a new outfit?  What, exactly, does he have to do to prepare for?  Do you want him to search medline with the subject of your appointment and suggest a research study to the doctor?  

Okay, I think you get my drift.  I know you are unbelievably upset with this cancer thing and probably spinning,  and I have SO TOTALLY been where you are.  I have been a bitch expecting crazy things too and I look back and cringe.  I am saying this to you, knowing people may flame me, (although I'm being polite) because I really regret that kind of thinking and I do think it damaged my marriage. I think he trusted me less and he thought that nothing he could do, no matter how hard he tried, was ever good enough, so he gave up for a long time.  It wasn't until I realized my destructive behavior and started appreciating him more for what he did and stopped worrying about what he didn't that he opened up again.

I really don't want you to go down a bad road that is hard to recover from.  Many women are unhappily married and many think men are the problem.  When I wrote my last comment, I meant it sincerely - we are biologically different.  But, now I celebrate those differences and not try to turn him into me.  

I have a good man who treats me well and I'm really grateful for him but my life was about all the things he didn't do and there were always plenty of them.  The poor man, he couldn't win.  He wasn't me, that's why  

Out of your list, I think the reasonable things are for him to do the finances, if that's the way it's broken down in your family. (It is in mine or the bills wouldn't get paid).  And, of course, he should be easy on himself, which is pretty hard to do when you have a wife yelling at you to "follow safety guidelines."

I can't get over "making mistakes is normal."  Just the *teenist* bit condescending. please don't show him that.  That's what we tell little kids in school.

 Ralston, he tells you he loves you, he goes to your appointments in support, he listens to you, he hugs you and shows you he still physically loves you, he protects you from family onslaught, he advocates for you and Dear Lord,  he even went wig shopping!!!  Wig shopping!  He gets bonus points for that one. 

You have the BEST HUSBAND EVER!   Stop!  Appreciate him.  He's doing a whole lot and I know there are a ton of women here who would be very grateful for just one or two things on your list. Stop concentrating on what he doesn't do.  Concentrate only on what he DOES do.  And, say it verbally to yourself each time that negative slips in.

 "Why that rotten SOB, my bones ache and he dared to tell me I looked good....oh wait.....He LOVES me and tells me that.  He hugs me and he doesn't cringe when he sees my scars. I'm a lucky woman."

"OMG, I have to tell him when my appointment is again!  Why can't he......oh wait....  He goes to my appointments with me and supports me through everything and advocates for me.  I have a good man."   

Finally - you are a big girl.  He is protecting and loving you best he can.  You can do the rest on your own.

{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}  I really mean it.  

Ralston

It is every man's duty to totally drive us crazy - with or without the breast cancer.  Because I didn't lose my hair with the initial chemo back in 1999, my wonderful now ex told me I couldn't possibly have breast cancer since I still had my hair.  He would never go with me or even bring our son to see me when I was in the hospital.  He went into total denial. 

One day I finally had it - we had stopped sleeping together - I hauled his ass out into the kitchen and whipped off my shirt to reveal the horrid mess that was left of a once beautiful breast and ask him - 'Do you think this was something I wanted to do to myself just to get your attention back?'  He shut up and it wasn't long until I bought a house and my young son and I left his sorry ass.

Big hugs - and trust that the confusion with fade

LowRider

Hmmm....okay, I guess after two years of chemo I just would say, "no thank you" if my husband asked about salad. Life is way too short to worry about petty stuff like somebody remembering about what vegetables you want to eat, especially when they support you in the big ways.



I hope you'll never gain my perspective.

Ralston,

I read a book many years ago called "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen  A fascinating look at how men and women communicate.  Not a magic pill kind of book, but insights into a man's mind that may help to figure it out.  (she also wrote "That's not what I mean")

Ralston...........as I might have said previously.....my husband passed away 20 years ago.  God knows he had his faults, and probably would not have handled my cancer very well, but that is just an assumption, since I will never really know that, will I.................

I will never make excuses for the men who don't understand, but since you think your fighting a losing battle, why not go back over your "list", and check off the really important things, and see how many he gets a "star" for.

My husband was a wonderful provider, a fabulous father, and whatever he said he could do, he did regardless of what the challange.........................but, he was not a "ok honey, I relaize this is awful, and evrything will work out, I promise".......................he was the one who needed the consoling when things went wrong, house problems, sick kids, layoffs from work............he just couldn't handle crisis..............................

Remembwe.............pick your battles wisely..........some things are just not worth fighting over, I found that out too late.................I'm ot saying be a "doormat", just pick your battles.