Aging Parents Anonymous

Althea yes the new hearing aides are wonderful.  DH has hearing problems.  One ear has good volume but he cannot understand anything.  the other ear is good understanding but volume is bad.  He would never wear is old hearing aides.  The new ones they were able to take the things he does not understand in his bad ear and change the frequencies so that he can understand some of them.  It is not perfect but by far better than his old ones.  At least now he does not mind wearing them in certain situations.

Thank you to all who have posted here. The details of your stories with loved ones are really helpful. I didn't realize there are so many of us in parallel universes. Sorry I didn't post back with my thanks earlier. As you know an aging parent can be a full time job. My heart goes out to you all.

You were right about the rage escalating. I have found a doctor dealing in geriatric medicine who is reputed to specialize in behavioral issues. Unfortunately, it takes forever to get an apt because he is in such demand.

lucy, this is your father-in-law who's living with you, right?  That makes the situation a lot more complicated, and what I'm about to say probably won't apply.  But, it might help others who are dealing with "difficult" elderly parents.

About the same time my dad went into a nursing home for Alzheimer's, I heard from a very deare college friend of mine that her father also had dementia and was in a nursing home.  My dad has been calm and peaceful ever since this nightmare began, for which we're really lucky.  My friend's dad was not.  He had uncontrollable anger that resulted in him being evicted from several nursing homes. The family was beginning to think there was no hope for their situation -- nowhere that their dad would be accepted.

After months of investigation and interviews, my friend's family finally discovered a skilled nursing home that specialized in residents with behavioral problems.  Specifically, they were very good at managing anger in their residents.  Instead of using drugs to control his behavior, they took my friend's father off the drugs he'd been on.  They worked with him one-on-one for much of each day, instead of parking him in a wheelchair in front of a TV.  (There were a lot more staff members at the new place.)  They learned to recognize when he was becoming agitated, and they identified the things that were most likely to trigger his outbursts.  Then, they figured out ways to distract him, or to divert his attention, when he became angry.  Basically, they got him involved in something he enjoyed doing.  Once distracted, his anger would melt away.

My friend could finally sleep peacefully, knowing her dad was in good hands and was being cared for by people who understood his situation.

otter

hate to say this but little would help my dad when he got mad.  his balance was so off and he wanted to walk by himself.. if you'd help him he'd hit ya....  really.  the best we could do is stand back and catch him if he fell, which he did quite often.. fortunately his ambulatory ability quickly deteriorated.. talk about a mixed blessing.  We did things the natural way, and he could definitely have used some medication.

we could distract him.. with food, games, tv.. but it was hard always coming up with something different.

but, best of luck to you..

So sorry to hear that, JFV. My mom is 91 and starting dementia....very, very forgetful, and I am wondering when I might experience what you are going through. My dad is almost 95, and still sharp as a tack. They live in HI, but come here often, but when they are there I do worry a lot. I would prolly have grabbed the cookies too, like you did! Would be nice if we could think of exercizing to get rid of the stress, but food calls my name too.

Althea, Being philosophical with anyone who has dementia is one thing, but when dealing with people who are simply inept or not bothered enough to do their job correctly, my patience would no doubt run out too.  It's the feeling of powerlessness that gets to me.  At least it's a relief to share our frustrations with others here who have had similar experiences.  I'm glad you're over it.

Wow althea !  It's like all our old people read from the same script !

I am getting a lot out of this thread. Since my parents are 91 and almost 95, I am just starting to experience what you girls are going through. Nice to be able to share and help each other, or just let the stress out! Sorry about your seizure apple, hoping your 80-yo driver does okay, esp till you can drive next month! Awwww althea, so sad, but glad you can roll with it. My parents will fly back here on the 28th, so I know I will want to have all my time free to be able to help them. My mom has gotten extemely forgetful, just within the past couple of months. I will try to keep my sense of humor, and especially a big dose of patience!

Hugs, Kathy

althea, that would have taken all of my patience too! Yes, my parents are very active. We go back a few generations of being born/raised in Hawaii, and my dad has never moved away, so has had a healthy lifestyle. They do a lot of traveling, and he keeps up with all their properties...at almost 95, he really amazes me. My mom was still doing paintings (she is a good artist), and she built a low bookshelf (6' long, w/ shelf) last month, as well as a 6' easel so she could paint here! Pretty good for 91, but she is the one starting to get extremely forgetful. She did remember all the times I was going to pick her up last month to go shopping, art classes, eating out, etc. Those were important things! If she talks to someone on the phone, she forgets what was said as soon as she hangs up. And totally forgets her pills, which I am trying to get my dad to keep up with. It just breaks my heart that I don't have the mom I had for years, but I am still grateful to still have them, and for their health. I know it is on the downhill right now, so am gaining insight from you girls. It seems to change every day now for my mom, but like I said, I still am thankful.

Thanks for the welcome, JFV! Are you still trying to help declutter your parents place? Hope your dad doesn't think you are taking things from him anymore. So, so, so, very hard. I guess all we can do is support them as best we can, and keep practicing patience....just heartbreaking though.

I found you Wahine, is there room for me?

My parents are quite yoiung, 76/74 but my mom has dimensia. I spend a week with them in SC and came back with a broken heart.  My Dad, who was always the parent with bad health, triple bypass, diabetes etc.  Now he just lives a very sad life taking care of my beautful Mom and it hurt so bad to see them both as they live their lives 600 miles away from their four children. Mom spends alot of time just staring with a blank stare while my dad plays games on the computer. They have the most beautiful property on several acres which my Dad loves to keep beautiful. He just brings Mom outside and she sits and stares. We are trying soooo hard to get them back to NJ but dd refuses to budge. They are having terrible financial issues due to the fact that Dad can no longer work but refuse any assistance. My two sisters have been down there several times and found them assistance but my damn stubborn dad again refuses help...he is in such denial. He told me that he will die first as Mom is killing him. Imagine that pain? Our hands are tied.

wELL thanks for hearing me, once I get my internet back, I will come here for support and love which never fails me on bco.(hacking into a neighbors wifi outdoors, in the rain under an awning, on a wet chair covered with a towel)...the things I do to visit my breast friends lol.

JFV, Althea,  nice to meet you gals. Hoping to find peace here on this thread and support each other.I read yiour stories and feel your pain.

Forgive the typos, on a mini which takes forever and a day to type......

Peace girls, I feel the love already!!