Talk me off the ledge.....

Oh, I know it's terrifying. Unless you have some kind of anti-anxiety drug to sort of blunt the fear, I'd recommend as much distracting activity as you can muster as you go through scan, getting results and whatever But you are not going to "not go on". There are lots of treatments out there even if it does turn out you have bone mets (which hopefully, you do not). You're estrogen positive, so it's very possible your treatment would start out with anti-hormonals, which for many are as effective and must less disruptive side-effect-wise than chemo. Just hang in there. As you arm yourself with more information, you'll begin to feel some semblance of more control over this. 

Hope your scan comes back benign... Paula 

I've had bad back pain for over a year now.  I've had a bone scan and a spinal CT and it is not bone mets.  In fact, there is no explanation for that pain - now I'm thinking my 17 year old bed might be causing it.   :-)

Just because you HAD cancer and HAVE pain, doesn't mean your cancer has spread.

As for how we do it, we put one foot in front of the other, like you will if you hear bad news.  But, I'm sure you'll end up bengin - go read in the "fear of recurrance" section how many people post the same thing you have and got good results.

All of what you're feeling is normal.  There isn't one of us who hasn't had a meltdown at one time or another.  I know it's hard to not think of the "what ifs", but try.  Keep your mind busy with friends, family, household chores, television, movies, books, garden, shopping - anything but the waiting game.  When you do start to feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath and tell yourself you can and will get through this.

Wishing you luck with the scans (((hugs))) Jenn

 Hi misswim,

  I too have anxiety disorder and OCD and know the torment of it. I'm wishing you Good Luck with your scans and to point out that even if it is bone mets - they are very treatable as many on here will testify. I can see how the stories of your husband's mother will haunt you, but remember that was a long time ago and things will have changed a lot since then. I have a 12 year old son, who is also high-functioning autistic, and know the fear and uncertainty of my dx. Don't assume your son will live the same life as your husband - after all, he's 11 already, not a toddler. My father died when I was 13, so I know what it's like from the other side and we did manage, though it was hard. Sending you support from UK.  Sorry if my advice is muddled or contradictory...it is well intentioned.

 Sarah xx

There are lots of people with anxiety disorder on this board!  I am glad you have medication, so take that and then you might consider some therapy.  

 I think you just finished chemo a week or so ago, isn't that true?  If so, it is highly unlikely that you have mets so early.

And, as you know, most women with early stage cancers never get cancer again - you are asking questions of the unluckiest of us, which isn't wise.

You will need to learn to manage this fear, because you will always have aches and pains that bring up the spector of cancer.  As bad as it was that your husband's mother died early, it would also be bad if your son's mother spent her life in fear of dying of cancer.  What if you live to 80 years old and it never happens?   What a waste of energy that would be, spending your life on a fear that won't come true.  You don't want your son saying, "My mother was so anxious she couldn't do anything with me normally."  You will be making breast cancer affect two generations.

I know that the end of treatment is nerve-wracking and it's hard to adjust to the thought of being healthy again, but you must try for the sake of your family.

Good luck. 

Maybe I am just cranky from the heat, but these women have all been far more gentle with you than I would have been. Your post is exactly why we have a different forum for women who are scared of recurrance but haven't actually been diagnosed. http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/105

Every single one of us had our lives "change in 24 hrs." None of us jumped off a cliff leaving our families before we were even diagnosed. None of our husband and wives DESERVE this. None of our children DESERVE this. I can't imagine why your mother in law's medical history should concern you. There is no genetic connection.

As to a major medical center, the closest one to VT [though it depends where in VT you are located, and how the roads fared in your neck of the woods] is Dartmouth-Hitchcock. They have a full service breast center, scanning machines around every corner, and social workers who could help you figure out ways to manage your extreme anxiety.

My greatest hope is that you never belong here. But if you do, you will find that we are no more brave than anyone else. We all have fears, hopes, dreams, humor, touched by a dose of realism. We would welcome you with open arms, and do whatever we can to help you find your way. 

Misswim, sometimes people post questions like yours here in this area, and while we all understand what you are going through, it does take a lot of hubris to expect those of us who are facing the worst to calm and comfort somebody who probably is not.

We all know you meant no harm and you didn't think of it that way.  But, all of us have children, family, husbands - none of them want us to die.  We are all doing what it takes to stay alive for our families and maybe talking you "off the ledge" is asking a bit much. .  My son is 14, 12 when I was diagnosed.  My husband's mother died of cancer.  My sister in law just died of cancer a month ago.  My dog just died of cancer, two weeks ago.  We ALL have concerns and problems and nobody deserves it, not you, not me, not anybody.  We aren't brave, we have no choice.   

If you are still doing chemo, it is highly unlikely that your pain is from mets, especialy since you've had several tests in that area showing nothing.   You probably are just experiencing SEs from the chemo. When I first told my onc about my back pain, he said in 17 years as an oncologist he hadn't seen somebody with early stage breast cancer diagnosed with new mets during adjuvent treatment.  Being on this forum, this website, makes it seem more prevalent than it really is.  

Not all early stagers get staging scans; I didn't.  It's not considered standard of care, although some oncologists do it anyway. 

Anyway, we all wish you well and hope that you don't have to join us. If you do we will welcome you with open arms, but I'm pretty sure you won't.  And, I do still recommend you find a therapist to help you with your anxiety. 

Stress and fear can cause your body to experience all sorts of strange pain. The fact that.that the klonopin is helping says a lot. Take a deep breath and concentrate on normalcy for your family.

I would like to hear of your results, so please do follow-up.

numerous times posts have appeared at the top feed and I have responded not knowing I was in the Stage IV forum....(like I am doing right now) just go and repost on the "not diagnosed with a recurrence but concerned forum", directly below the Stage IV forum, you will get a more rounded response over there from all stages....I hope you are feeling less worried today!  And good luck with your upcoming scan!  

I thought she did post in the "Not diagnosed with a recurrence or metastasis but concerned" forum. Is this not the forum I am in right now? Or am I going nuts?

Cyndi

Good prelim results, misswim!

ck55 -- I believe the Moderators moved this conversation into the correct forum sometime early today -- it was originally in the "Stage IV" forum.

Great news on your results! Should be such a relief for you.

I have back pain off and on and had a bone scan in 2009 that was fine. Hopefully I still am.

AnnNYC - Thank you. I am so glad to know I haven't lost it completely.