Am I a bitch or he does not get it?

I know a BC diagnosis is hard, but I think making him write that list is a teeny bit bitch-like.  

What is the real problem?  Are you not feeling supported?  Have you asked him to do specific things that you feel will help you and he's refusing?

He may be argumentative and sure he's right,  but you also said you are spending energy arguing back.  It sounds like both of you are butting heads, and both of you don't want to give up the "right ground"  and I think your energy is best spent healng and not worring about right and wrong.  

Men are generally very good about doing what you ask them to do.  They are generally very bad at knowing what to do, especially in emotionally charged situations. It's not their fault, it's the way they are.  

I've never once asked my husband to feel sorry for me and I hope that he doesn't.  I feel sorry for him, in fact. 

Well, like I said, men don't guess very well.  You asked for a list so  you are going to get a list of stuff like "I took you to chemo" or "I cleaned the kitchen."  You are very unlikely to get "I love you" on that list.

I'd go tell him to stop writing and "let's talk."  You still haven't explained here exactly what the problem is or what you want him to do but for men it needs to be spelled out.

If it's "Every night I need you to tell me how much you admire the fact that I am handling this well, it helps me feel like I can do it" than he'll do it.  And, don't forget to tell him that you know how much extra work he's taken on since you were diagnosed, maybe if you compliment him a lot he won't complain.  Men like to feel like they are helping.

Making him write a list is punative.  I don't think you are a bitch, I think you are frustrated and maybe not handling it very well.  

It is hard on BOTH of you so BOTH of you need to recognize that and help each other. 

By the way, I've been married 17 years now, and I've been through the phase of making him write a list or doing other things like that.  But, as awful as this sounds and as anti-feminist, men have a biological need to protect their families.  He is very fearful - even if he can't say it - of what is happening to you and his inability to stop it.  So, as hard as it is and as illogical, he probably will respond if YOU compliment him FIRST.  Thank him for what he does to help you - even though you shouldn't have to.  Then he'll feel like he is doing something and he'll be able to be more receptive.

I know you are in a very, very hard place right now.  You are newly diagnosed and going through a very hard experience but we women embrace it, talk to each other, manage it.  Men just kind of shut it off.

I'm sorry if I offended any feminists out there but you can't change thousands of years of human nature. 

Ralston, There is a great thread on "what cheezed me off today."  I like to post there on the husband issue and just pissy people in general :-).  It helps!  Men can be soooo crappy sometimes.  Even the "good ones."  I have always run the show in my house.  He works and I do everything else :-).

Mine has been appearing "put out" from time to time.  You'd think he'd actually do something without being asked.  Anything???  Sorry, nope.  Yesterday I was fixing a sprinkler head and the backyard had a small flood.  After I finished fixing the system, I started to bail out the water to test my fix.  He was inside playing a game on his I-Phone and never bothered to ask if I needed him.  WTF?  I finally went in and said, "Hey, you can bail this water for a bit?"

It was fun to watch him pant and get all sweaty while I took a break.  They don't get it and if they have never been in charge, they probably will never take charge.

Hey ladies.............I am 76 my husband died 20 years ago Sept 2nd...........As much as I would have loved to have him here with me..................guess what..................after listening to you ladies, I'm not sure I would have......................he would have been no different, possibly worse..............who needs that shit when your dealing with what could possibly be your life.........................I get tired of hearing "well that is just how men are"...............that is why they get away with the things they "pretend" not to know..............

Ralston, I can't believe he thought she was talking him! Wow! I kinda like the list idea, it seems like it would open up communication and you can see where he is coming from. Unfortunately, no one else other that those of us going through this is going to completely understand what it is like to go through treatment. Some of us have been on the otherside as a caregiver, and I do realize that is not an easy task either, to watch your loved one suffering and not quite knowing what to do. My husband used to get really upset when I cried, and finally we talked about why he was so upset by it. He said he thought I was giving up when I cried, when really all I was doing was releasing stress and feeling sad, not meaning in any way that I was giving up.

I would also get so frustrated when he would say things like "oh, i don't have time to go fishing anymore, or I don't have time to go do what I want". He takes me to chemo once a week, he has other times he can go fishing. I started to feel guilty about taking his precious time up, but then realized he could be fishing instead of sleeping in until noon! Not my fault he can't manage his time. Oh, and I am just having the time of my life going to chemo, being bald, not feeling good and working. OK, now I am rambling!

My hubby is great and I do appreciate all he does for me, but sometimes I am like, really? Did you just say that?

Here is my two cents:  There is no manual for how to handle this, especially when you are the one standing helpless while the one you love is suffering. He is scared and human at the same time. My hubby was a wreck and did not know how to handle anything. Although he stood by me, took me to treatments, and helped me after the double mastectomy, he complained like a bitch. He aggravated the crap out of me and looking back, I can say that he did not do enough for me. However, I learned in the process that he was trying to do his best while processing the fear of my illness.  I am not excusing any bad behavior or toxic behavior. I just wanted to say that somewhere in all this chaos is room for error.  In the end, you don't need a list of things, you just need hugs and kisses.

I hope this will be of some use, some way!

The book about "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars" is about correct. My DH has been very supportive and did everything I needed (except clean the house) when I had my surgeries. He went with me to most appointments and has been there the whole way. This lasts until he decides that it is time for him to not do anything anymore and I am able to do things on my own. I guess we support each other as he had surgery last year 3 weeks after a redo on my rt. foob to add Alloderm. A few months back I complained about a thin scar bothering me to the PS and DH said it was only cosmetic and that I didn't need anything done to it. Boy did PS let him have it! He told him he was not able to feel what I felt with the scar and if it bothered me we would need to take care of it in time. DH has respectively kept his mouth shut about what I feel vs. what he thinks since then. So they really don't always get it.

Ralston, hope your DH works things out and maybe the list might help you understand what is going on in his mind, but don't get your hopes up.

We have to go to talk to a third party every so often -  failure to communicate.    its helps   

Ralston, I "get it". Once in the onc's office, she asked how I was sleeping and DH answered great. I asked him how would he know and totally embarassed him. Sorry, but he actually has no clue how I was doing or feeling. He never asked, just assumed. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm superwoman. I know he's a good guy and he is trying, but he doesn't get it and he never will. I am also trying to make sure I tell him what I need him to do rather than just expecting him to know and do it. It is really nice when that happens, but it is rare.

I had a plaque in my kitchen:

"I married Mr. Right - Mr. Always Right".

It is hard on the spouse. My husband died of lung cancer in August 2010. I look back at things from the time of his dx to his death and wish I could do things differently. But we were both so scared; him of dying, naturally and me of losing him. Now I'm going through cancer, but alone this time. Most men, it seems, are great at being caregivers for a short period of time, then their lack of understanding shows up. I don't think they mean to be insensitive, it's just the way some of them are.