where to start.

pureangel · September 2011

i'm doing this for my girlfriend who is struggling with breast cancer, she is kinda shy & away from the world which make things worse & i'm afraid that she is on the edge of depression, i really need all the help that you guys can offer. she ongoing chemotherapy treatment now, then we gonna do the surgery, she is still angry and crying a lot even after 4 month and not sure what to do & where to start to make things less tense for her, i do understand that it is not easy & i admire your courage ladies by going through this, i just wish that my girlfriend could open up & talk even in a web site so she knows she is not alone & find some sort of relief, any advice.

ma111 · September 2011

You are a very good friend to seek help for her.

I have found ativan to help decrease my crying spells. She is probably already depressed. As far as talking about it, it's hard. There are very few people that can handle hearing the fears we have. I understand people love me, on the other hand my fears are related to dying and the suffering associated with it. When people ask and I answer honestly, I find them giving me false hope or telling me to not be pessimistic. Hello, I am dying. Maybe your friend opened up to just one person and that was the result. It will be very hard for you and get prepared. We will help you do this. I have withdrawn from people and the reasons;

"you'll do just fine" Hello I have distant disease and they are putting me on the harshest chemo known to man.

"Stop being so pessimistic" I don't want my daughter to have to make decisions for me, I want a living will.

"You have a good chance for survival" Another stupid person.

One thing I hate the most is people talking about me that do not know my situation and than assuming stuff. Do not tell anything she tells you to anyone. They can ask her themselves. There has been so much false information going around about me it's sickening.

Get her a punching bag or something to take her anger out on. Anger is one of the hardest emotions to get a hold of. Your life plans have just changed. no retirement or other long goals will be met.

Is anyone mowing the yard, cleaning or making sure she has symptom relief from the chemo. Docs do not know we need more meds to feel better if no one tells them. Show up with some sport drinks and jello. Let her know you went on line for advise, that is a good example.

Maybe start with "Life sucks for you right now", send a card. Be very careful of what it says. I do not like the get well cards. I will not be getting well. Hallmark makes some good ones that are appropriate.

Good luck. I know you will be a vaulable person to her through this and we will help you. Others will chime in.

debbie6122 · September 2011

Pureangel- Im sorry your girlfriend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. You sound like a caring boyfriend, just by coming here shows you care and are being supportive, Right now she is going through a tough time and depression and anger is common when you are going though somthing like this, Just being there for her and showing you care is what she needs right now, dont try to push her or persuade her to open up to until she is ready, right now the only thing on her mind is getting through treatments and surgeries, even the small of things like errands, cleaning, cooking and listining to her, taking her to her appointments (If she wants you too) dont take things personally if she pushes you away, i know for me i just wanted to be left alone at times but also apprecitated the love and support my husband gave me! Her Dr can precible a mild sedative or xanax for anxiety, some woman need an anti depressant to help them cope.

Let her know she is not alone and when she is ready we are all here for her to give her support and advice when she is ready. We are all here There are several husbands and boyfriends that come here for support for there loved ones, we will be here for you as well and answer any questions you may have. Im sure others will be along for more advice as well, sometimes the weekends and especailly holidays the threads move a little slower so dont be discouraged if you dont get an answer right away. Let us know how she is doing, sending hugs for you and your girlfriend.

Hugs,

Debbie

pureangel · September 2011

thanks ladies for the reply, well at this point no one knows except for me & her family, actually we are engaged and we were preparing for our wedding which make her more mad, even after the diagnosis i offered to rush the wedding so i can be next to her but she just pushing me away, her family thinks just by being there around her that this give her support, i think it adds more load to her as she can't stop thinking about how they left every thing to be with her & by being with her for them means staying under the same roof, its upsets me when i see her thinking of ways to make them happy not the other way around & i just wish if i can take her away.....

i won't say i understand everything she feeling but life is pain & i can't just stand and see her rush her thinking to the point of i'm dying & focus only on that, that will make her day to day life more darker, who can gurantee living, i might die in an accident but that won't prevent me from driving, i could drown but i still go to beach, one should not give up, again i admire your courage & maybe you will ask what do you know, i just say pain is a pain & i experiance my share but we are not here for me.

she lost her hair & she is feeling this way, i'm afraid after the surgery she will be officially depressed, what words should i say, what subject that you girls like to hear and how far you will be willing to make her have fun without being blamed of not feeling her and careless. how i can be more supportive, what places should i take her to...

ma111 · September 2011

Tell her you choose her to be your wife and that is for better or worse and that you are going to be there through this tough time. I find fake fun irritating, be yourself! Not everything is pleasant and tears and sadness are expected. I also think that people that don't call or come around untill they can laugh are not dealing with things themselves. Let her see you cry and than think of something to do toghether. She may not like what I do. She wouldn't be able to come to a site like this untill she has some private time. Personally, I like my me time.

Personally I would not want my family moving in. I do like your thoughts on getting her out of the same house as her family. She probably is not resting as much as she should and it would be a constant reminder that "Oh I'm dying, that's why they are here".

With chemo, you are supposed to stay out of the sun, so don't take her to the beach. Try maybe shopping for head covers that match her favorite outfits, or just a walk in the park. Don't forget the sunscreen and sports drink.

Pushing you away is actually a normal response to prevent you from getting hurt, it just means she loves you. It is one of the 4 stages of death and dying, (acceptance). The other stages are denial, I forget the other 2.

Maybe start with letting her talk first.

Sousek · September 2011

I was in your shoes just 16 months ago when my wife was diagnosed. It's been quite a ride for the past 16 months. My wife had a mastectomy, six rounds of chemotherapy and most recently has started the reconstruction process. I'm proud to say she's doing amazingly well.

The fact that you're on this site tells me how much you care for your girlfriend and how much you want to support her through this journey. My wife and I were scared to death upon learning of her diagnosis. Can you imagine everything in your life was great then suddenly being diagnosed with a disease where you are staring the possibility of death right in the face? There's a ton of emotions involved. As you know, tears can come at anytime, anywhere or for any reason.... She's scared.

The best I can tell you are the things I've learned going through this journey with my wife...

1) As upset and scared as you may be about her diagnosis, be as strong as you can in front of her. The last thing my wife wanted to witness was me breaking down. Sure I did, but I generally saved it for my drive to work! She wants to see you be strong for her.
2) Tell her you love her! Tell her you love her whenever you have that sincere feeling in your heart. Don't just say the words to say them. If you look at her and she's tired from treatments and has no hair or eyelashes and you still believe she's the most beautiful woman in the world... tell her! Remember, when you genuinely feel those feelings... make sure you tell her! She needs to hear it. She needs to know that you still love her to death and won't leave her.
3) Keep her away from the internet! Self diagnosis via the internet is the worst thing she can do... and she will do it. The only thing she'll get out of it is scared to death! You can search, but still filter the information to her.
4) You probably have no medical training yet there will come times when you'll need to be a quasi doctor or nurse. You've probably never been trained as a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist, yet you will be put in situations where you will wish you had some training. You've probably never had any theology training but will wish you had. The point I'm trying to make is that there will be times when you're just going to have to fly by the seat of your pants. You love her... you can do it.
5) Listen to her. Don't offer advice... listen! Part of this battle for her is processing the emotional side vs. processing the intelectual side. Guess what... the emotional side will win 100% of the time. As I said... listen and don't offer advice unless asked for it.

6) Take care of yourself to be able to take care of her! Men don't generally ask for help. It's just the way it is. But if you don't reach out, you'll burn yourself out quickly. When someone calls and asks if they can bring dinner over... tell them "yes!" Just remember, people won't offer to help unless they genuinely want to help.
7) Last but definitely not least, turn to God. He was my co-pilot throughout our journey. He kept me sane! You can always vent to him, talk to him or ask for help. He listens.

I blogged throughout our journey. It's a daily/weekly journal about fear and hope and how we dealt with the challenges and trials we faced such as the mastectomy, hair loss, nausea, losing her taste... Everyone's journey is going to be different just like every cancer is different, but this blog has helped so many people understand things that may come up. If you have an opportunity, I encourage you and her to read through it.

WhatARideBlog.Wordpress.com

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk!

Ed

pureangel · September 2011

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it....my suituation little different though, we are engaged and working things out when we had the news. I'm trying hard but I'm trapped between cancer and her personality, I love her and do everything I can to make her days easy on her and I can sense from her smile that she likes what I do, we talk on the phone cuz I call or if we go out cuz I asked ,if I don't intiate a contact day might pass by without her asking on the other hand she is not depressed , she make a small party for her family which I'm close but I'm not invited but she don't mind me being there, she would arrange a trip with ppl that I know and don't bother to ask me to joines and if I asked why her answer would be I didn't know u want to come, she trying to stay away from me then accuse me by not being their for her when I didn't have a day that I'm off and wouldn't call her and prefer being with her than doing anything else. I even took days off work to be with her, then I realize I'm not even in her emergency contact list in the hospital..I'm not sure where that leaves me, I feel invisible to her and not appreciated and not sure even if she want me or I just became another load in her life, I won't leave, I can't talk to her about what I feel cuz she would get upset and not talk to me, I don't want a thank you or even to listen to me, I don't want her to appreciate me and I won't stop being their for her at hospital , home or any where ..all I want is she make me feel that I'm in her mind by asking me anything, invite me, initiate a conversation with me even once a week , she do that with everyone.any way. is that too much.

debbie6122 · September 2011

Pureangel-

Ed gave you great advice, try to do all those things he mentioned , maybe the way you are feeling is coming across to her as you are not being sincere and making her feel like you are only caring about your feelings, not that you are, but you say that you ask her why you arent invite to partys and going out with friends, i see how you would be hurt by this, but right now she is needing her friends and family, It dose not mean she dosn't want you in her life, but maybe she is feeling some kind of pressure from you? I dont know, i can only guess from your post.

Dont let a day pass with out you calling her, and let her know how much you love her and care, but right now the last thing she needs is you telling her how bad you feel. Give her time, and dont take it personally, Since you are not married yet, she could be feeling like you wont want her after a masectomy and hair loss, She is in for the fight of her life, please dont pressure her, you may push her away. Please come back and let us kniow how you are doing, we are all here for you- ((((((hugs)))))

pureangel · September 2011

thanks debbie, i really care about her and she dont know most of what in the post, i just wanted to talk, honestly i didn't even ask her why instead i said that i wish i was there with you. i wish i had this cancer in my body and not her, regarding the marriage i actually wanted to rush it before the treatment just to be next to her, or at least before the surgery, i want her and i know that if she had the surgery she might change her mind about the whole marriage idea, i don't want this to happen. she finished her third round of chemo, no hair, sshe is getting fatigue and tired, she still works full time to keep her insurance which add more pressure on her ( thats actually a reason why i wanted to rush our marriage) i'm trying to be supportive , pray for me

ma111 · September 2011

Pureangel,

I also think Ed gave great advise and was glad to see him post.

Some of what us single patients think is that we should not get involved with someone because of our health status. Why let someone get hurt so bad and it would just be a temporary relationship. I recently turned down a date with someone I wanted to go out with before dx. I feel he derserves bettter that what his life would be with me. You guys are probably child bearing age, making it even more important and making her feel worse as she will never be able to have kids.

Part of the acceptance stage is pushing people away. That is normal.

Hang in there.

pureangel · December 2011

hi their, just wanted to say that it been a while and my girlfriend finished chemo a month ago and had her surgery last tuesday, her surgon was satisfied and the result were pleasent, i'll say she is doing great and happy that the hard part is over.....

where to start.

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