Friend distant after bone METS diagnosis

Bearcat, There are some of my friends that do treat me so differently. I have my brother James and my friend Cris who are not able to see me cause of the fact I have mets. They both told me they just cannot handle it without breaking down. It is sad and difficult to handle. I know it is not easy. I think you are doing the right thing. I have done the same thing. Nothing though has developed for me as well. I can relate in another way as well. When I got divorced my best friend of 20 years all of sudden stopped seeing me just like that. No communication of any kind. I knew where her parents lived and sent letters, cards, even drove to her parents on holidays hoping to catch her but I always missed her. I never stopped sending her things for 7 years. Then one year I did not send her a card which she expected cause I always did. Then out of the blue I get this message on my phone she wants to see me. I was angry with her. I did not know what to do. So I did see her and we talked wrote letters to each other cause I was to upset to see after all those years of being silent to me. We are friends now but never will be best of friends. I wish it was different and I could make things better for you. It hurts me dearly that my brother James will not see me or  talk to me. A drive might be good. Have you spoken to her husband? Does he have any insight to the situation? I know it is hard waiting and wondering especially when you need the support from your best friend. It is lonely when your friend is missing. I hope there are some other ladies on here that can answer your questions for you. I wish you the best and if you need to PM go ahead and we can communicate back and forth. I can give you my personal email as well. Take care.

Hi Bearcat,

This hits everyone differently, so there is no clear cut answer for you.  I think you have done everything anyone could think of doing, and I'm sure your support and friendship are appreciated, even if she doesn't communicate with you to say so.

I was just recently diagnosed as stage IV, and I would have preferred to pick and choose who knew, and then deal with it privately.  I announced it on here, because everyone understands, but needed some time to tell my mother and children.  My husband, bless his little blundering heart, has told everyone he has spoken to since then.  So you can see, even in the same household not everyone deals with it in the same way.

And maybe this will help you -- years ago I was very sick (not cancer related), I had two small boys then and was going through a divorce.  The doctors were very grim, told me they felt I would only last another year or so, and get my affairs in order now.  My ex was calling every day asking for the boys to be with him instead of me (we had joint custody).  In the end, I actually gave him physical custody of them, because for their sake, I did not want them to see me ill, be near me every day, and then suddenly not have me at all.  Perhaps your friend is thinking along those lines.  Stage IV is a shock, we all deal with it differently.  If I didn't have the support I do here, I don't know that I would have dealt with it as well as I have.  Being slapped in the face with your motality can hit very hard, and it hits about every emotion you have.  I hope your friend will deal with all of it alright, and lean on you soon.  Bone is the 'best' place to have mets, I hope she does well and enjoys every minute.

((hugs))

Sue

Hi bearcat...

I am one of those that withdrew after my Stage IV diagnosis. I have kept a close, small circle around me since that time and there are many who don't even know that I'm sick. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me or treat me differently because of this lousy disease! I have a friend that I've known for many years who was there when I was in the hospital after diagnosis. She was very kind but also very insistent that she be in on all of the latest info., medical updates etc. It was well intentioned of course but she and her family nearly smothered me. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I chose to limit my time with her after that... we've only seen each other three or four times since diagnosis in Jan. '10. I'm certainly not saying that you're smothering your friend, but I just wanted to give you my perspective. Your post was so honest and this situation obviously causes you pain... have you thought about writing her a letter with these feelings? At least you might get an honest answer. I haven't told my friend only because she hasn't asked!  In any case, I wish you the best and send you love...

Rose.