For Older People with Sense
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Ladies, I had a major emo day today. At. The. Grocery. Store!
I'm climing out of my hole from #5 of 6. Today was the first day since Monday that I've been out of the house.
I go out of the house looking 1 of 2 ways -- either I wear the wig and make-up and really try to hide how I look/look as healthy as possible, or if I'm too tired, I wear my "fight like a girl" t-shirt, a little make-up and pretty do-rag on my head. I've also developed the habit of not making eye contact with strangers.
The employees at my local grocery were super nice, not only just saying "hello" but also asking me additional questions about my shopping and making eye contact with me. By the time I got to the check out, I was just about in tears. Then I noticed that the customer behind me had brought her own eco-bags, and one was a huge, pink bag that said "Support BC Research" on the front. It just about did me in. I sat in the parking lot and cried in my car before I left.
Have any of you had similar experiences? Is it the fatigue? Are my emotions on a roller coaster because of the hormonal stuff related to the chemo? I'd be interested in hearing your stories about going emo unexpectedly!
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Marthah, I think the emotional side of things happens not just because of the treatments but because we are grieving for the loss of self and fear. We all go through it and even though I'm almost eight years down the road, I still get the crying jags on occassion although they a now becoming a rare occurrence.
You will be feeling super vulnerable at the moment and that is normal for where you are in treatment so allow yourself the freedom to cry if you need to as it is cleansing.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
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Marthah: i know what your talkin about. i think chrissy's dead on.. its been awhile since i finished chemo' but since then, every little thing throws me. i also, dress "down" most days right now. Feels like too much trouble most days!!! i'll be hoping you feel lighter soon.......3jays
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All ok here in Alexandria, Virginia. power was off 2 hours or so while I slept thru it all. I can see one big tree across the street that was uprooted, but no damage as it fell into the little dog park, not into the street. Still some rain, mild winds. I will have to get a " I survived Irene " shirt ....
Hugs, Nancy
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Martha, congrats, you're normal!!! We don't take the opportunity to cry and grieve enough over this crap. I was getting my first massage in ages yesterday and I cried. I just felt SO sorry for myself!! I rarely have pity parties but I friggin' deserve one every once in a while dammit!!!
FINALLY got a washer and dryer yesterday!! Haven't had one since we moved last October. Moving van cost us $1,000 more than expected, so there went my new laundry!! Am doing the third load now. My DH has been doing it sporadically at the coin op, but it needs a woman's touch. Got the new red Maytag TOP load. Has the LOW agitator. Front loads are just too low for me to bend. HUGE capacity. I'm over the moon with happiness!!! Oh my!
Had a bit of trouble letting DH install it. He was taking so long I went down. He checked the hose but it was leaking. I asked if he'd tightened them (seems like an obvious task) but he hadn't!!! That's the kind of things his brain tumours doesn't allow him to do....sigh. The obvious.
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Happy Laundry Day - and hot water! We can say we are glad to see Barbe in hot water...
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always nice to get a new washer..love the top loaders myself..when we lived in Spain we brought one with our household things and four years later when we left, we had many, many people who wanted to buy it...so we sold it and our dryer to a friend and bought a new ones when we got .
home.
Martha..I think most of us went through feeling like we were in a deep dark hole during treatments..it is such an emotional, wretching time for so many of us..it is a situational type
of sadness, it is a huge assault on our bodies..I am sending you many warm hugs..
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Martha, don't feel alone with the emo! It's our right to get a little weepy whenever and wherever we feel like it. My worst moment came trying on bathing suits. I sat in the dressing room dabbing my eyes and looking at my "new" body. I'm glad there's an army of people out there who make mastectomy suits. Now I know why I need one. Even with reconstruction you look funny in a "normal" suit. The is the "Race for the Cure" month coming up and I can't bring myself to get involved. It's too much for some people and certainly okay not to get all enthused. Race for the cure? Right now it's hard to even walk!
It's also okay to take a "break" in your house for a few days. My fantasy: a "quiet day" with no media, no news about the Middle East, no cars. Picture books okay as are steamy novels, movies about dogs (except "Old Yeller"), documentaries, and stuff about birds/butterflies/artists, etc. Another must, bubble bath, your softest clothes, and, if possible, watching somebody else do all your housework. I haven't managed that last one yet.
Worst thing anyone has said to date? "Can I see your implants?" What? Hell no, get your own!
You're in my thoughts, Dragon
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Martha (that was my beloved Nana's name
) - I'm 17+ years NED - MX, chemo rads, chemo and still have moments when I grieve my old normal. Just had a PMX to finally get rid of my lopsidedness (is that even a word). Earlier this summer, while trying to figure out a solution to looking "normal", when I couldn't fasten a bra because of hand surgery, had me in tears and angry once again over BC. While trying to decide between continuing to be lopsided or going flat, neither was optimal - what I really wanted was my other breast back.I'm currently suffering some emotional fall out from my PMX. Delighted with my decision to go flat, overjoyed at my negative path report, but realizing I still have a long way to go with the physical healing from this latest surgery. Several MAJOR temper tantrums over the last several days. Good thing I live alone. My most recent one was very early this morning, while trying to back my car out of a parking spot next to a curb - screaming F""K, F**K, F**K... at the top of my lungs. Good thing my windows were up and it was way early this morning, so no one was around to see or hear my craziness.
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Everyone, thank you so much for your kind words, virtual hugs, and support.
My MO told me the effects of chemo would be "cumulative." I'm starting to understand what that means, especially with the fatigue. Infusion #5 was a week ago Friday, and I am still tapped out. I'm so fortunate that I have a boat-load of sick time at work (over 600 hours when I started this journey back in April). Under normal circumstances, I tend to have melt-downs when I'm tired, so I'm sure the fatigue is a huge factor. I also tend to invest a lot of energy into being strong for everyone else...it's the way I've always been. Up until this disaster, I have been healthy as a horse and I was always the one caring for everyone else. I realized this morning that I don't know "how to be sick." Given that, I need to cut myself some slack. (It's nearly 4 p.m. here, and I'm *still* in my pj's from this morning...oopsie!)
Hauntie, Nana is what my DGS's call me!
Barbe, I don't know how you went so long w/o a w/d! Ugh! Congrats!
Chrissy, you are exactly right. I've been so focused on my treatment that I haven't allowed myself the time or opportunity to grieve the loss of my former self. I know this thing has completely changed who I am at the cellular level. But it has not changed who I am at the "soul-ular" level. It has only added to it. Another mountain to climb, another challenge to meet, another reason to never take anything for granted.
Nancy, glad to hear that you are hanging in there in the face of the storm.
God bless, everyone!
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It must be catchy...........I'm a Nana too..........but most of the time I get Nan...........Now aren't we special...................hugs..........and I'm Nana to 18 grands................and Nana-Great to my adorable baby identical twin girls...................
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Martha - PJ days are wonderful, as long as your taking them for R & R and not because you're in bed sick. No guilt - take as many as you can get.
No kids, so I'll probably never be a Nana. I have the honorable title of The Auntie to many - both blood and love relations. That's why I'm still holding out some hope that there is a child out there who needs a Nana and I'm the Nana-in-waiting that he or she needs.
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I think what I will be most upset with after my surgery is that I won't be able to do the things I did before for a long while. And that makes me sad. I decided to have a mastectomy on my good breast too long with my bad one. Before my diagnois I felt really good and I still do. Keeping busy outside and inside has kept my emotions pretty well under control. But there are times I just get really sad and scared and start to cry. My surgery is not until the end of September. My BS and PS could only coordinate their schedules until then. So I'm having a long wait to know my official diagnosis. Right now I'm IDC, 5cm, Stage llb, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- before surgery.
Chrissy have a good time on your trip.
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Lym Michel. that IS a very long time to wait..so sorry. amonth and a 1/2 drove me crazy waiting!!!
Hauntie; im like 3 yrs out, and still have meltdowns.. i think we need to give ourselves a break, much much more often...
Barbe, so glad you have a washer, and hot water.. glad you got the massage. i can't take anyone touching me, its the neuropathy, i think. but, if youre getting some relief, keep going. how is the LTD working out so far???
i know im missing a lot; but can't go back, or i'll lose all before..
Chrissy, tommorrows D day.. im so happy for you... safe trio, my frined...3jays
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Hi all
Having a reasonable quiet day today. Had my DGS for a couple of hours. He is just adorable. Took him for a long walk (on the flat ) so he got some sleep. He doesn't think he should sleep at night time either which is trying for his mother.
Cleaned up the garden and yard on Saturday which didn't help the arthritis and fibromyalgia at all. Wish a reason could be found for my back pain its not in the usual places I get pain so it does worry me. Anyway it was a beautiful day and we even managed to sit outside for lunch.
My daffodils are so lovely at present my DGD just loves looking at the different colours. She 'helped' on Saturday while her mother got on with writing a paper she is giving to a literary conference this coming weekend. Miss Bea is staying with her other grandparents as we will be on our way to Australia for a couple of weeks.
Martha look after yourself; it all takes time and even after all this time I have 'bad' days emotionally.
I am called Granny because thats what my girls called my mother and so DD decided that I just had to be that as well. Took DGD a while to be able to say it. Nana was easier.
Must go and think about what we will eat this evening.
Big hugs to all and am so pleased everyone is safe after the storm.
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Chrissy just wanted to wish you Bon Voyage, looking forward to reading about your adventures and seeing you when you get to the west coast in October, big (((HUG)))
Cheryl
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3 jays - I get what your saying. I'm nearly 18 years out from my original diagnosis. Dealing with the PMX is minor compared to what I went through then.. I know part of the problem is due to a "flare up" in my battle with chronic depression. I'm not a crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head depressed person, For me depression/anxiety is really a hidden disease. Even at my worst, I get up in the morning, go to work, do what needs to be done- not usually in the most efficient way. It presents itself as moodiness, teariness, increased anxiety, anger, aggitation, difficulty concentrating. Would't you know it, my therapist in on vacation this week. I have a new psychiatrist I haven't even met yet. I had to fire my old one, which is a whole other story, I have an appointment at my PCPs office Tuesday. Family and friends (including you gals) that I can talk. too. This too shall pass.
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Hi Hauntie,
I know what you are saying about the damn depression. When mine was at its worst it was exactly as you described it.. And it was miserable. I am on zoloft now and it helps me a lot. Are you taking meds? Anyway, I do hope you will be feeling better. The cancer is enough to have to deal with. Depression on top of it is way too much. Hang in there.
Judie -
Judie - Meds - oh yeah - for the last 17 years. My depression was offiicially diagnosed after my BC diagnosis, although, I realized long ago, I was depressed a long time before that. Along with BC, I know there's a genetic predisposition to it in my family, on my mother's side. It's known as the (her maiden name) Curse. I was on zoloft. Now I'm on extended release Wellbutrin, with a little dose of Celexa on the side. But, as I said - you would never notice it to look at me. Even my anxiety is hidden - my heart could be racing, my hands shaking, but other than noticing my extreme difficulty concentrating - you'd never know. Neither is something I try to hide, that's just the way it is.
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Hauntie and all those others who suffer with depression - I often think it's more difficult than many physical problems. Even with the obnoxious "Why did you get bc" type of questions we get with bc, the vast majority of people know we didn't "do" anything to get this. So often with depression it's seen as the "fault" of the person suffering with it, and they're told to "snap out of it". Though I've been extremely fortunate never to suffer from depression, I cannot imagine how belittling it must be told to "snap out of" a deep black pit.
Right now I'm babysitting for my daughter's 3 sweetiepies. Grandchildren are the best.
Chrissy, I'm counting the hours with you until you leave! I hope the trip is wonderful. Please post pictures for us, especially of all of you when you get together.
While you're travelling I'll be dealiing with dustdustdust, dirtdirtdirt, plasterplasterplaster and I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!! We're redoing our bathroom and I'm even looking forward to the inconvenience. It is long overdue. Our tub is so badly rusting on the edge that we have to get in the tub very carefully to avoid getting cut. I can also see that inside the tub there are a couple of tiny but waiting-to-grow spots of rust so I know that in less than a year it won't even be functional. The sink is, well, usable - not rusty or anything but aesthetics don't play a part in its existance. There is an alcove shower stall but the water was disconnected from that years ago (toilet is in a seperate room). And tiles - yeah, a few plain ones behind the sink and more around the tub but the rest is paint whose favorite thing to do is start peeling within a year of repainting. So everything will be torn out, the plumbing redone (well I can't see that part but it's also not in great shape) and then the real fun part begins. New tub, sink with vanity, another toilet in this room. The shower alcove will be prepared but I'm planning to put a small closet there for now. I wasn't going to have a shower there but my daughter (who designs kitchens and bathrooms) pointed out that my dh and I have to think about the time in the future when climbing in & out of a tub might be very difficult. So the alcove will be tiled, the drain will be there and the faucets and showerhead will be prepared so if/when we need it it can be prepared in a day. I am SO excited about this. A bathroom that looks pretty! With nice tiles! And a tub that's not rusty! And a vanity around the sink! AND ANOTHER TOILET! I raised 6 children in this house with only 1 toilet and let me tell you, if anyone wants to tell me "you're so brave", well, don't tell it to me about the BC, tell it to me about the 6 kids and 1 toilet. We'll be meeting with the contractor to finalize things tonight and then we'll be starting soon.
Leah
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Leah, I know how you feel, it is so wonderful to have an en suite and it will be even better when the main bathroom is completed. Tomorrow the walls will be sanded, yuck the dust but one step nearer. We are having our old roll topped bath re enamelled. We have survived almost 16 years with only one toilet so all this is so good. Previous house had two bathrooms.
Must get to bed as it is playgroup in the morning and we have a breakfast meeting before that.
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Leah, I so understand. A new bath is a wondrous thing.
Prayers for all affected by the storm. SV said Duck was hit hard but her house survived just fine. Whew.
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Busy night here on the board. So much going on. Leah, yay for your new bath - you will so love it. Great idea about the shower stall/closet.
Alyson you have been busy. My daffodils are just a memory, and a hope. Grandkids are so much fun aren't they? Hope your back pain eases. Have a great time in Aus.
Has anyone heard from AmyJo? Glad to hear that SV rode out the storm ok, and that so far most easterners seem ok. Hope Ducky's beach house survived. So many ladies on the east coast - I hope all are well, and suffered only minimal damage.
Damage: depression is hard to deal with - situational or genetic. Sincere Best wishes.
LynMichael, the waiting is so difficult - time passes so slowly. If you feel up to it, maybe you can find things to keep you busy and occupied during the wait - a task you've been putting off, something that'll make you feel like you've "accomplished" something besides 'simply' making it through the wait with your mind intact.... It's hard, I know. You'll be in recovery mode soon, and then time may really slow down. If you like to read, you might start gathering plenty of reading material. Buy some new jammies & slippers; stock your fridge with easy yummies. Find ways to make the "afterwards" easier in your day-to-day. I have found that it takes me longer to bounce back than it used to. It's some consolation that I'm grateful for the opportunity to age.
BarbA if I got seven hrs sleep, I'd think I hit the jackpot. Five seems where I'm stuck. Waking between 3 & 4. Ugh. At least yesterday I rested most of the day and it felt good to relax.
Marybe, I hope you're feeling well, and all's ok in your world. I bet you are busy.
Chrissy, HAVE A GREAT TIME!
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You gave me some good suggestions Lost_Creek. I do have books and magazines to read while I recuperate. But I should start making making some meals that I like and freeze them for when I will need them after my surgery. I've had surgery before. In 2005 I had a total hysterectomy because of fibroids. But this surgery I know is really different. I have just a scar from the hysterectomy, this surgery I will get new two breasts. I know I need to do it, because I don't want to go through this again. But it is the fear of the unknown that I'm really scared of right now.
I am taking zoloft. I started that last year when my Mom died. It has really helped me. I don't know if I would be typing here if I wasn't on it. It has made me calmer and able to cope better.
Like you Hauntie I was depressed before my diagnosis and the death of my Mom. It seems to run in our family too. My Mom had a nervouse breakdown when I was little. I wish I had been on zoloft a long time ago. My life would have been better in many ways.
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Hey everyone, SV is supposed to be interviewed on CNN live at 5 about the pix she took of the storm. Tune in!
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Saw doc, my PCP, today about my back and she was really helpful. I'm getting some answers now and some pain relief. Starting neurontin for nerve pain and very low dose Vicodin with a muscle relaxant. Mostly this post is to say how grateful I am for a doctor who takes this seriously! Feeling much better about the long-term prognosis here. Have to go for bone scan for possible hip mets--having a lot of pain at night in my hip. Assume it will be negative, as my BC was caught so early.
XOXO to all, especially those who may be having a bad day. Believe me, you're all in my thoughts.
Lynda
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My word, I've been away for a few days and am a bit overwhelmed at all there is to catch up on! If I miss you, I'm so sorry.
Phyllis, that's such good news about your path report and no chemo! Sorry about the sertoma, and will be thinking of you on Wednesday.
Leah, I'll be thinking of you Tuesday also as you go for your scan. Hope all goes well! That was such a sweet story about your GD's!
Martha, those meltdowns are notorious and very common. My first one came in October when I went into a totally pink Belk's store to buy a shower gift---the store was festooned with pink ribbons, banners, posters, and I was in tears by the time I left. Just sat in the car and cried until I could see to drive.
Hooray for you, Barbe, and your new washer/dryer! No more laundromat for your DH, so I know he's celebrating too!
LC, you're so right about those antibacterial wipes. I carry them at all times, and our grocery stores now provide them right beside the carts. The pharmacy I go to also has hand sanitizer on the counter and I always use that too.
Well, I guess Chrissy is about on her way! So excited for her and also for all who will get to meet her when she gets here.
Kathy
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yup, ladies, i agree, about the darn depression. will all my alllergies to meds, they had me on an obscure drug; which i now can't take with the thyroid mess; which CAUSES depression. im sooo not myself these days.. i was dxed many a moon ago with "agitated depression" ptrue sleep disorder comes with it, as well as panic attacks.. I'm REALLY a mess right now!!!
the good news is, ( i hope) i got a supplement called "thyroid helper " in the mail today, and IMMEDIATELT took the first dose.
i immediately f***!!up; and took 90 units of my short acting insulin; NOY the long acting. so, i'll be up all night cking my blood sugar; and eating bread...does it ever end?? NOT with whats left of my brain....
i missed SV on CNN; cked in here too late. hope they re run it... got an email from Marybe. she's doing ok.. G
eorge got a steroid shot from the vet that comes to the house. trying to get him to eat is upsetting her, i think...........3jays -
Hi Girls!!! I haven't had a chance to read but I will tomorrow when I get to London!!! I'm in Singapore at the moment using a computer that belong to the lounge so I haven't got heaps of time. Just wanted to let you know what's happening.
Love n hugs to all. Chrissy
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