Struggling with Friend's Death

Pure · August 2011

So my friend and mentor died a few days after I got out of the hospital. She was only 32 years old. She was diagnosed at age 29 with stage 3 bc. while pregnant. First off her doctor never gave her taxol... I don't understand why they didn't throw everything at her considering her age and stage.. They put her on tamoxifin and 2 years later tested her and said she was an immediate metabolizer but DIDN"t switch her.I never understood her tx. It would frustrate me but I never said anything b-c she was a huge believer in her doctor.

She was a dedicated Christian and believed 100% God healed her. Then it came back. It came back to a node in her neck but then they found out in her spinal fluid. I have never even heard of it in the spinal fluid. She was in the hospital for 4 weeks getting tx and the next thing I hear is she is quitting tx ( it wasn't working) and 3 days later she died. She believed she would beat this. She believed 100% that God would carry her through. I don't get it..It came back and boom she is dead... It's shocking and scary. I miss her so much and I don't know how it could happen so quick... I mean I know we can all become stage 4 but with so many tx available the fact that 2 months later she was dead? I don't understand...Here I am going through recontruction but what for? Am I wasting time healing that I could be with my kids. I hate this disease. I miss my friend..I am questioning where God is in this... I am just so sad and overwhelemed that she is gone. I am so sad for her beauitful babies.

roxy42 · August 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss.I lost a friend two years ago.We were the same stage.I'm here and she's not.I dont understand why Dr dont offer every thing to throw at it.I demanded every treatmnt back in 2007.I just enjoy every day i'm here......my prayers are with you........roxy

37antiques · August 2011

I am so sorry for your loss Jen. It is heartbreaking, especially when it is so quick. And I am sorry it has tested your faith.

From what I understand, it is rather rare for it to be in the spinal fluid, although I have seen it mentioned a bit lately, so maybe doctors just weren't as aware of the possibility of it for a while.

From what you say it does seem like the doctors could have done more, acted earlier, but she herself seemed comfortable and confident in what was going on. Everyone is different, I really thinks it helps our own self to be proactive and demanding as far as our health goes, some of us aren't, and sometimes the doctors just don't catch it in time. And it doesn't sound like her choices would be your choices, so please don't regret your decision on reconstruction or anything else.

I am so sorry, she was so young, and had small children, that hits home with so many of us. I hope you find some peace in this.

((Hugs))

lkc · August 2011

Jen I am sorry for the loss of your friend. There seem like such a "Random-ness" of who of us moves through this and who does not. It is heartbreaking and very very sad. I am sorry and truly hope your faith sustains you. Only God knows....

geewhiz · August 2011

I SO totally understand this...my neighbor right across the street got diagnosed December 23, aged 42 . Started chemo, never even made it to surgery. Died this spring, leaving 3 boys under the age of 10. Everyone asks how I feel about having to see this sad situation on a daily basis. I chose to see the positive in it. I see neighbors taking food over, stopping over with a beer to hang out and talk. I see the grandparents and relatives laughing and running around the yard with these boys. I saw them climb on the school bus the first day, missing a parent but surrounded by the love of the community. Life is going on. It's my biggest nightmare...with 3 young ones of my own. But I see my worst dreams across the street...and it's ok. It's not ideal to be missing a parent, but there is no lack of love for those children and it heals my soul to see this on a daily basis.

diana50 · August 2011

jen

as you survive; others will not. the pathology of the tumor is part of this. so, i am 9 years out but i have buried some friends with breast cancer and other kinds of cancer. you have found yourself in with a group of people who have cancer; some make it and some do not. a good friend of mine died at age 33 with aggressive triple neg breast cancer. she left behind a 10 year old and a 3 year old. it all depends on age, diagnosis, pathology... there are no answers; no way to make sense of it. i am so sorry you have lost someone so special to you. she did the fight. she did what she could do. that is what we do.

i was thinking the other day as i was cycling; that life is just soo fleeting. we do what we can. we love, we have our families and we do the best we can. we try to beat cancer. we do the treatment...we take the drugs...we exercise. we eat good. the truth is about this disease is that there is no "for sure" answers to any of it. so, i guess all we can do; is grieve our friends...love our family and friends and hope for the best. i think having cancer makes you "grow up" very fast and when you least expect it. hang in here. there are still good things out in this life.

i am so sorry your your loss.

jennyboog · August 2011

It sounds like your dear friend fought the fight and is suffering no more. I'm sorry you have lost your friend & I hope you find peace and comfort soon. My thoughts & prayers go out for her family and especially her children.

SAMayoFL · August 2011

Pure, I am angry too. I met a girl during chemo. She was just a few weeks behind me. She was diagnosed at 30 with BC in both breasts. She wasn't even flipping old enough to have mammograms! As they say, they threw the kitchen sink at her. AC + T. About three weeks after chemo she had a seizure. They found mets to the brain. She is 30 years old with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I am angry and bitter that she is having to battle the beast again.

I hope you and I are both able to work through our anger and find peace. I want a cure for this damned disease. We are losing too many young women to it!

Susan

Claire_in_Seattle · August 2011

Jen.....

For me, it was two guys I worked with who went way too young. One left behind an infant son (and his wife didn't work). The other was someone I worked with for years. Lung cancer, but he was only 46.

It is just so hard.

We can only do the best possible with the cards we are dealt. And then, make sure we enjoy life to the fullest extent. I have seen pictures of your lovely family and so glad you can be there for them.

Plus, you look wonderful.....can I say "hot"????

So sorry though that your friend didn't make it. Not all of us do. Thinking of you Jen. - Claire

bak94 · August 2011

Oh Jen, I am so sorry to hear this. It all seems so unfair and wrong. It does make you wonder why it happened so quick. So many mysteries to this awful disease. Sending hugs to you.

chainsawz · August 2011

{{{Jen}}} I am so sorry about your friend, and I know those terrifying feelings. There just doesn't seem to be a clear pattern which makes it all a scary crap shoot. I've lost many bc friends and it hurts my heart and freaks me out, but I try to focus on my journey with brain mets and picture it being looooong.......I hope we both live to see our grandchildren graduate high school - heck, I mean graduate college. Anything is possible and each of us is on a different journey :>

caaclark · August 2011

Hi Jen-

I am sorry you are going through this. My mentor was and earlier stage than me and helped me so much during treatment, As I completed my rads she was diagnosed stage IV. She died just a few weeks later. Even the medical people were shocked. The person I mentored also ended up not making it.

I had trouble making sense of it too. Both of these women had young children as I did. I could have gone off the deep end thinking that I must be next but a few things happened.

1. I talked to two of my doctors who said the same thing: "We just don't know who will end up with mets and who won't. Just because they did it doesn't mean you will. Each person responds differently to treatment."

2. I had a dream about my mentor. In the dream she let me know that she was ok and happy. It still gives me a nice feeling now when I think of it. The message was also sort of a "Carol, you'll be ok" type of message.

3. I came to the conclusion that it either comes back or it doesn't. What a waste it would be to live my life in doom and gloom mode. And what a disservice to my husband and children. In a way it sort of evened the playing field for me. Up until that point I thought it was a matter of time but both of these women were initially earlier stages than I was.

I'm not sure if any of that helps. I understand what you are feeling. It is very hard to lose someone who has been on the same type of journey. But remember, your journey is different than her journey.

Pure · August 2011

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much for your support...I just feel so sad for her, so mad for her, so upset that she believed with all her heart she would be ok and she died..I just feel a bit lost about it.

Carol-The fact that you had that dream is SO SO awsome:) I am glad you got that sense of piece.

pupfoster1 · August 2011

(((Jen)))

Oh my gosh my heart breaks for you and her family. It's our worst nightmare, especially having young children. It just tears at my soul.

The one thing though that I hope might help you is that your friend had such a devote faith in God. I by no means am a bible thumper, but I have to say this whole thing has questioned my faith in God and "what comes after". I've been reading on NDE (near death experiences) and also a FABULOUS book---90 Minutes In Heaven. Although I'm still terrifyed of it coming back I HAVE to believe there is something after this. There are so many people that have experienced it and recovered to tell about it. So hold on to that and comfort yourself and your friend's family.

Love you,

Sharon

elmcity69 · August 2011

(((((((jen))))))))

i'm so sorry for your loss, and for your dear friend and her family.

cancer is a total bitch. no doubt about it. and i know what you mean about figuring out the universe/God/karma thing - it just doesn't make sense, sometimes.

you're in my prayers, and so is your friend.hope your healing is continuing and you are feeling stronger each day.

xo

janyce

Joviangeldeb · August 2011

Pure, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. You and her family are in my thoughts and prayers. Cancer is so unpredictable. My hubby and I had a friend who was going through chemo the same time I was for lung cancer, and he passed away about 6 months after we both were finished. I remember we both were in the same hospital at the same time for a week, with complications with our cancer treatments. he was my husband's fishing buddy and I know he misses him.

Pure · August 2011

Thank you so much for your support... This has been a tough week. I am just bummed and can't kick it:( Trying to work this out in my mind but so sad for her family. I am not scared for me ..I am here...I am just incredibly sad for her and the fact that it happened so so quick is really so hard to deal with. I know she is at peace and without pain ...She use to tell me she had absolutly NO FEAR of dying...She just wanted to stay healthy though for her kids. I miss her..

Anonymous · August 2011

Jen, I know how much you are missing her. Sending you healing hugs

The Angels remind you to never underestimate the healing powers of a hug. If you feel the need for a hug don't be too shy to ask someone you know to cuddle you. Likewise, if you see a friend or loved one who is in distress, open your arms and comfort them today.

Barb

SpunkyGirl · August 2011

Jen,

I'm so sorry for your friend. She was too young, and it's so not fair....What does jump out at me when I go through these posts (and they were all so good), is that the love that surrounds us all after these horrific losses is so important and so immeasurable. I hope that we are all lucky enough to have that kind of support and love to get us through whatever may come our way.

You are beautiful and inspiring, Jen, and today is an awesome day. I am sure your friend would want you to embrace it with the passion that you do.

Love

Bobbie

americanpinay · August 2011

Jen,

Sorry to hear about your friend. Hang in there.

barbe1958 · August 2011

Jen, God DID carry her through, right to the end. Just like she believed. You WILL see her again. With hugs....

Barbe

Pure · August 2011

Thanks Barbe:) I felt her today actually...

faithfulheart · August 2011

Ohh Jen, I have lost friends, currently loosing one. You know, I asked the Lord to please let me raise my kids, I begged actually! I am not afraid of death, do I fully understand why some of us live and survive the beast, noooooo, BUT, I do believe if We are brought to it God will bring us through it. I was riding my bike today, and I felt this dark fear cloud over my head, I prayed God would take this from me so that I could enjoy this ride with my kids. The cloud did lift. Jen, I still think we need to take this thing one day at a time, this is a really tough week for you, I am so very sorry for your loss and her families. I will tell you, I do beleive she is in a beatiful place, there is no cancer, pain or fear, just everlasting love!!!! She is free, and God will protect and guide her family. I hate this disease too, What can we do, these our the cards we were dealt, no it's not fair, at all. I have some questions for the big man myself. My husband lost his sister to a brain tumor when she was six, today she may have lived, I don't know. I do know that she is an angel,

and his parents did turn from there faith, it's hard I understand the anger, hurt and frustration.

Peace be with you my friend, Peace be with all of us!!!!!!!!!

Love

stephanie

Another book to read is "Heaven is for Real" not sure of the4 author, Great book, maybe it will help.

survivor11 · August 2011

Oh Jen, saying sorry is just not enough. What a horrible thing to experience even if you were not in the same boat she was in. The ladies above are right, she fought her fight by her own terms and that is different from your own fight.

I have three small boys all under the age of 10 so I to have only asked God to give me enough time so that I can get them to adulthood. That has been the most heartbreaking thing for me, the thought of possibly leaving my boys.

It is true that your friend is now free from the hell that we continue to live in while fighting this terrible disease. No more pain, no more fear, only the peace that none of the rest of us know.

I pray that as the days pass you will feel some sense of peace with what has happened and will find the strength to continue your own fight with the faith that one way or another, we will all be okay in the end. Much love and positive energy to you and your friends family.

Struggling with Friend's Death

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