I don't want to go to my planning rads tomorrow

((((bedo))))

Yep, it sucks to have to have radiation. I can't tell you that you won't have any problems from the radiation. That said, I went through this a little over a year ago (finished right around this time last year), and it has faded to a bad memory. 6 weeks seems like a long time, but it passes and then you go on with your life. Hang in there!

Karen

Bedo - I am in the identical situation as you.

I too want to be left alone.  I do not want to go for radiation so much so that I am going for a second opinion this Wednesday.  I already know what they are going to say - rads or mastectomy.  Two equally unappealing alternatives.

I am afraid of blistering, peeling, cording, fibrosis, left side etc.  I just do not want to go and it has given me extreme anxiety. I am not sleeping at night and I feel forced into something I do not want to do.

I was supposed to get going on this within the next week or so, but I am getting my second opinion, then going away for a week.  I need a break from all of this.  Then I will decide what to do.  I do not want my breast removed either.  I hate this decision!

I empathize, I really do.  If you want to pm to commiserate feel free. 

I felt the same way.  I didn't want to do it but I did & I got through it.

You can do it! NJ 

I did not find radiation bad at all, but even if it had been bad; I wanted to do everything possible the first time around because I never want to play this game again!!!!!! Hang in there. It is just a little tiny bit of time in compared with the rest of your life. Ruth

I felt the same way, and felt like I was the only person to ever react that way. I got through chemo and surgery, but radiation is the one that seems to be freaking me out the most. The fear and anger has been overwhelming. I rescheduled my "simulation" twice. Finally I asked to see another rad onc, but they really didn't like that idea and made that process super difficult. I knew the second would also say I had to do it, but I still had so many questions that my rad onc wasn't answering. My fear hasn't been so much about the short-term side effects, but the long-term risks, but no one seemed to hear me saying that over and over. The idea that I could go through all of this and then have the treatment cause more problems has been one that has been literally keeping me up nights. Lung damage, heart damage, secondary cancers, lymphedema. I don't sleep at all these days unless I take Ativan. Trying to sort out what to do and how it might affect the rest of my life has been anything but a simple equation. I am more than this breast cancer. Getting rid of this breast cancer is only one of many things to weigh out here. None of the doctors seem to get that, neither do most of my friends or family. I did finally go. I had my third treatment today. We get through this the way we get through it all, we show up. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Hope for the best, deal with whatever comes. I've started walking an hour a day. At least it makes me feel like I'm actively doing something to battle the inevitable fatigue that's coming in a few weeks.

Do you know about brachytherapy?  This is internal radiation and is over in 5 days.  Best place to get it done is in Arizona.  Google it.  They treated me like a spa patron not a patient.  Plus it spared my heart, which was directly under the tumor, and lungs.  External beam has a bit of "overspray".  They can't totally prevent it.  It is covered by insurance.  This was the best decision I made.

bedo:  My heart goes out to you.  I hated rads all the way through and I now have only two more boosts until I am done.  Can't wait to be finished, but I knew I needed to do rads to have the best chance of living a long and happy life.  I showed up begrudgingly and sometimes grumpily everyday, but at least I showed up.  Looking back on it, I still would have done rads, but I wish I had gone to a different center.  Oh well, hindsight is always 20/20.  If you have a choice of centers, check them out before choosing the best place for you.  I knew I needed more help than the rads staff could give me so I got an ativan prescription from my PCP and I started seeing a therapist.  Both have been a huge help.  We are always here for you and you can vent here all you like.  Sending hugs to you.

Best of luck!

I used visualization to help me through. I pretended I was sunbathing on the dock of a camp I worked at when I was young & thought about what our schedule for the day would be, what skit our cabin would do for the talent show etc. When the machine came overhead, I pretended it was a cloud blocking out the sun. Also bring whatever ointment you are going to use with you and slatter it on in the dressing room as soon as you are done (but never beforehand could as that could intensify the burn).

Really, truely, it will go fast and then you will be DONE!!!

Ah, Bedo - I felt the same way!

I was hostile all through rads and I never did like any of my techs.  My doc is a gem though.

I'm 2 weeks post rads and althought I had three areas open up on my skin, everything is healed now and I wore a bra on Wednesday.

It sucks though.  I know what you mean.  But better than the alternative...

I found radiation to be by far the most annoying, but easiest, part of my treatment. My poor techs probably though I was the biggest b&$@! in the whole world. Not everyone has the horrible skin reactions that you read about. In fact, I had nothing ....zip...nada...other than a light "tan" which is now gone at less than 6 weeks out. I had EVERYTHING possible ( whole breast, clavicle, axilla and boosts) radiated so plz try not to worry about SEs. You'll sail through and it's OK to be grumpy about it!!!

I'm not a visualizer, so I just counted. During the actual treatments, I never counted much past 50 for any of my 4 fields that got zapped. Sometimes I'd watch the green & red lights. Not much of a show for my 1/2 hour drive.

bedo - Hope all goes well for you today.  I think getting through the first day is the hardest.  I'm hoping everyone will be great to you and they'll get you in and out of there fast.  I finished right before Easter and felt such a huge relief when it was over.  But it was a necessary step in this long journey that none of us asked for.  Just keep soldiering on . . . you can do it.  One day at a time!

Take care,

Kathy

Good luck Bedo. Count 'em down and you'll be done before you know it.  It became a part of my daiy routine and I didn't mind it at all. The techs were wonderful. They had a big bell you could ring on your last day.  I cried when I rang it - didn't expect to. But in some way, I think I was holding my breath the whole time.

Never had much skin reaction other than a bit of tan. Used Calendula gel which I liked.

Good luck.

Bedo and everyone,

I go for ct tomorrow and I feel the same way. To say Im scared shitless is the biggest understatement of the year! I am always a positive and happy person but this is f@#%!@g me up mentally so bad. The people at work know everything as I am an open book and share all, however they seem a little pissy with me I think because Im not joking and laughing as usual. I dont know how I want them to act but I feel like they just dont get it. When I tell them what the next step is they just say well your almost done. WTH... Im just starting! I just want to scream!!!