OT kind of --What Can I Say?

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NancyD
NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

This Friday is my older sister's 62nd birthday. It will be her last birthday. She's dying of metastatic sinus. cancer. She has lost her upper jaw and palette which has caused her face to cave in. For the last year and half, she has not seen any of us...won't allow us to visit and she has not traveled. Her only communication has been through email and occasional phone calls from her husband since her voice is terribly distorted by the loss of her palette.



We are a family of seven siblings, and despite the sixteen years difference from oldest to youngest, we are close. In all ways, I am the closest to this sister....age, friendship. I know, from her husband who is a retired doctor, that she will likely not see the new year, and based on some recent incidents, I think her death will be much sooner.



At her husband's suggestion, we are planning a conference call to her for her birthday on Friday. I have set it up and have sent everyone the info to call in. But I'm choking up just thinking of what to say besides, Happy Birthday and I love you. I feel I need to say more as this is very likely the last time I get to talk to her.



What can I say? What would you say?

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  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited August 2011

    Oh Nancy, I am so sorry - for your sister, her family, and for you and the rest of yours.

    I think whatever you say, whatever is in your heart, is what is best. There isn't any right or wrong - and I have a feeling that you will know what else to say (if you want to) when you are on the telephone with her. Maybe just letting her know you want to say more, and how emotional it is for both of you...maybe she will take the reins and sharesome of  her feelings with you.

    You and she will be in my prayers. I'm sorry she has suffered so, and for you mourning for her.

    xo

    janyce

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  • starbeauty
    starbeauty Member Posts: 327
    edited August 2011

    When my only sister and sibling was dying of stomach cancer I used every opportunity to bring laughter to her, memories of stupid stuff we did... I had her front lawn landscaped with tons of flowers so she could see it from her chair, I had her sun room cleaned out for her so she could sit out there and watch spring arrive... I did cards for her to sign for her son to have on graduation and his birthday... And sent them when she was gone. I sent emails about where I would find her in heaven... The library... I didn't ask her how she felt... I asked her how the morning was going. I bought her new clothes every week as she slowly starved to death. I took all the stuff she wanted out of the house to the goodwill. I just poured every ounce of love I could into every word... And I smiled at her with every muscle I could muster... No pity just happiness in the moment I was sharing with her. I miss her so much... Talk daily in whatever way she will let you... Don't ask for more... Give her what you can... Be creative... Spray love all over her life.

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  • momof2greatkids
    momof2greatkids Member Posts: 56
    edited August 2011

    Hi Nancy - most important last words I spoke to my Dad and a few years later to my Mom, were of course I love you, but a from-the-heart "thank you" - the thank you captured everything I felt about them, the deep, deep gratitiude for who they were and what phenominal parents they were in every respect. I miss them so much.

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  • Celtic_Spirit
    Celtic_Spirit Member Posts: 748
    edited August 2011

    I'm so sorry, Nancy. That's heart breaking.

    I would talk to her about good memories. I wouldn't talk to her about your plans for the future or anything future tense, as knowing she won't be a part of that future would make her sad. My boyfriend's mother is 87 and getting more frail by the week. It seems to comfort her when we talk of the past or the present; talk of the future depresses her.

    There's a delicate line between making this a "farewell" call and expressing things that need to be said. But I would definitely make sure she knows that you love her and have always appreciated her friendship.

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  • everyminute
    everyminute Member Posts: 1,805
    edited August 2011

    I am so sorry Nancy. 

    I told my Dad, as often as possible at the end - "I am so proud to be your daughter" and "I love you"

    I also had my dad's tattoo copied and put on me - he loved that and told everyone.  Now my older daughter has the same one.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited August 2011

    Ah Nancy, this is a toughie!! I agree with most above. Talk about good times and good memories. Remember things that were funny. Let her know you remember them by joining in on the conference call and laughing out loud. Talk about the silly things you did as kids, go back, way back. The recent past is not a great memory for her, or you! (except for your new place, but you know what I mean)

    Even if she can't answer, or is possibly crying, keep talking, let her feel the lifetime of memories that you all have of her. Tease her gently, praise her if appropriate (you were always the one with the best memory!! or whatever is real for her), but do go back to when you were all a family unit before husbands and wives split the family up.

    You will cry, I'm crying now just typing this, mute your phone when you have to. You'll probably all be crying at the end, but try to get a lot of laughing in. She knows what's going on....

    I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.......with love,

    Barbe

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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited August 2011

    I am at a loss, having myself lost a number of family members recently. I will keep you and your sister in my prayers.

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2011

    (((Nancy)))

    I'm so sorry.  It never gets easier does it?  I agree with Barbe about trying to talk about the good times and memories.  Try to get a laugh or two out of her, maybe bring a funny movie to watch.  One of my favorites is an old one---Bringing Up Baby with Katherine Hepurn and Cary Grant.  Cracks me up every time!  Of course a new/raunchier one like the Hangover might be good too if she likes those!

    Stay in touch with us if we can help in any way.

    Sharon

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited August 2011

    How horrible.  I feel sad for my sister, who is going to lose me too.  But, it's really hard to deal with other people's grief.  I think you should make it as light as possible.  I don't know your sister and what her style is like but I love you and I miss you and I'm thinking of you sounds right to me.

    She knows you love her and will miss her. 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2011

    Nancy, this sister, you mentioned you are closest to.  I think for that reason words will come for you.  Cancer of the sinus is devastating.  I remember when I was younger and first having my children, my girlfriend's mother had the same cancer.  This women was a very proud, grand type of lady, or matriarch of my girlfriends family.  What I remember most was that although the surgeries and cancer had taken most of her jaw and side of the face, she always would have her hair done perfect and make-up on! and in nice dress or business suit and heels.  She would come to Sunday Services looking like this, as if she were as healthy as horse, and stand around and talk to her chronies.  When you mentioned your sister going thru this my heart went out to you.  The women I spoke about lived with her metastatic cancer for about 3 years or so this way. Please know you and your family will be in my prayers.

    image

    Barb

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  • Jelson
    Jelson Member Posts: 1,535
    edited August 2011

    While you are assuming this is goodbye - the pretext for the call is your sister's birthday. I agree with the light hearted approach. perhaps her being eligible to collect social security - might be reason for celebration and laughter. Having only had one sibling, I can imagine the hijinks of 7 kids. some confessions - who actually broke that lamp etc. Memories of your childhood and esp her role. Might each of you take the opportunity to share some pleasant memory?

    I am so sorry that your sister has suffered so much. 

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited August 2011

    What a turn of events! My brother in law called and said the conference call would not be a good idea now. My sister wouldn't be up for it when it was scheduled. i sent out emails and text messages to the family...I hope everyone got the word.



    But on the upside, she was up to taking a call from me early this morning, so I got to give her birthday greetings, and spent about half an hour on family stuff. We're in the process of preparing our family home here in NY for sale, and since she's in FL, she hasn't been able to see the work. So I was at our old home when I called, and went around describing the fix-ups.



    We closed with mutual "I love you." And that was it. Anti-climactic, but nice to have happened. No tears.

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  • AnacortesGirl
    AnacortesGirl Member Posts: 1,758
    edited August 2011

    I'm so sorry about your sister.  But I am very glad that you had your phone conversation.  One of the lesson I learned from my sister's passing is that we can only take the moments that are available and there are never enough of them.  For me, getting the "I love you" to her was the most important part.  You did exactly what I would have wanted to do if it had been my sister on the other end of the line.

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited July 2012

    Just an update to say my dear sister died last night. She went with the most beautiful sunset. It was a long, hard battle that we knew she couldn't win, but for all my sadness, I'm glad she is out of pain.



    However it presents itself, cancer is a horrible disease that I fear we will never be rid of. My sister fought so hard, and lasted so much longer than the medical predictions, but because we couldn't visit her (at her own wish) it feels like she just slipped away.



    I got the call from one of my brothers while I was on vacation in Cape Cod. I had just finished eating dinner with a friend at a lovely waterfront restaurant. The sun was setting creating the most beautiful colors, and I felt my sister must have been there pulling out all the stops.



    My sister loved her family, was loved by her family and many friends, and lived a meaningful, albeit shortened, life. That's something I hope for, too.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited July 2012

    Nancy, what a comforting thought to imagine your sister so beautifully coloring the sky, and to remember the joy and meaning she found in life.

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited July 2012

    Nancy, I am so very sorry for your loss. It seems your sister wanted you to remember her as she had always been, not as she had become. She finished her life on her own terms.

    May G-d send you comfort.

    Leah

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