Husband Filing for divorce

Get legal representaion as soon as possible. Hugs Identtwins.

Hi identtwins,

As I read your post and all the reply's my heart began to hurt more than it does. I remember the day my exhusband told me I was suppose to be his wife and his lover and I wasn't doing very good at the second part. I was devistated and I reached out for a therapist as soon as I could. The first thing she told me to do was to sit down and write out our life together from the first day we met to the present time. This was 31 years ago. I believe that this was best advise I ever received. I had known my ex for a very long time but there was always something missing from the relationship and by writing our live together and everything that happened opened my eyes and my heart to what was real. I never regretted my divorce. Our son was 4 years old at the time and today he is the best thing that has happen to me. What I am suggesting to you is to sit down and write down your life together with your husband from the beggining to the present. Once you are done you can either reread it or throw it away but I truly believe it will help you to determine if this man is truly for you. My mother liked my ex husband but never thought he was for me and she was correct. My ex and I are social today and he has been very supportive of our son who has had to take on the burden of helping to support me since I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer in Sept 08.

I would like to suggest getting a journal and start writing 5 things you are grateful for everyday, also start doing fun things with your children. I can not tell you how much journalling has helped me over the years. Your husband may very well be having problems dealing with your breast cancer and his only way to deal with it is to be mean and selfish. Start doing simple things with your children, if your feelling down tell the kids come on we are going to go for a ride, or go to the park. If you don't want the kids to go then take yourself out for a cup of coffe, or tea or a drink if that works. Do something everyday for YOU and do something with the kids as often as you can. Do not sit at home and dwell on him. Let him see that you are not going to let him drive you out. 

A book just popped into my head that I have read that might help you through this time as well is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. Her website is www.thework.com

Take care and I am praying for you and sending the angles to comfort you and your children.

Remember right now is all about you so you can heal and find peace.

I have read all of the posts, and I am so disgusted. My cousin went through a similar situation with her husband after she was diagnosed with lung cancer... her husband completely abandoned her. So for the last six months of her life she battled the cancer alone, and cared for her four year old daughter the best she could while the husband was out playing tennis (his obsession). In this case, she was the one who wanted the divorce but she was too sick to do anything about it. I believe that her husband's selfishness over the years contributed to her death. THIS IS TOXIC BEHAVIOR!!!! I am truly sorry that you are going through this, identtwins, but your health and the health of your children is #1. Stand your ground and do not waiver, no matter how difficult it may be. And please, SEEK LEGAL COUNSEL!!!! No kidding. Your cancer prognosis looks very good... don't push it!!!!

xoxo

Rose.

CarzyKittie is right.  Get a lawyer and DO NOT move out of the house.  Unfortunately it is divorce strategy for him.  You should stay in the house with your children.  If he has a problem with it, tell him to move out.  I am sorry you have to go through this on top of everything else.  I have a friend who experienced the same thing when she was dealing with her BC.  I don't know why, but some men cannot handle it.

Treesprite---YES. Thank you!

You will make it through this.  Love yourself and your kids, that's what counts.

Every time I read something like this I find myself wanting to whack these men on the head and ask them one question?   Are they "men of their word"?   I bet they would say they were to their men buddies..................then I would ask them to repeat the vows they made before God and this company to "love, honor and keeping only onto her................in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, etc.!"   What part of that did they just assume they would escape when they chose someone to live the rest of their lives with??????   Why have these just become words to throw out so you can have a big honking party with your friends and get drunk?

Life is a journey and these sad men are so much poorer for not continuing the journey all the way.

Being 60 now, I see this much clearer.

OMG! I typed in breast cancer and divorce~ I thought that I was the only women in the entire world that has a husband that is walking out the door because of cancer!

I was diagnosed on our 3ed wedding anniversary. He gave me the most romantic card, saying that we would be together through thick and thin, good times and bad, rolling in money or rolling change for money. I told him the suspected diagnose and that I was being sent for a biospy to confirm it after I opened the card. It was a hallmark moment.

He started to emotionally withdrawal. Then 8 days after my lumpectomy he said that he didn't know if he wanted to live, or the be married or to die. I waited for a bit, then asked him what he meant, he said that he thinks that he's going through a mid life crisis. I was blindsided. This man that only 2 weeks prior was professing his undying love for me.

That was three weeks ago. he wants out. I love him, and I hate him. I want to move on. If he wants to leave I want him to. During the last three weeks I have found out that while I have been in nursing school and working full time, he has been playing on the internet and not paying our bill, not our mortgage, not the utilities, none of the household credit cards, which are in my name. Every time I use to ask about the phone calls I was getting he would pay the collectors enough to get them off my back...meanwhile his Harley Davison motor cycle payments have been being made and on time.

I guess like I told him that I could understand his reaction if I came home with an STD, but cancer is not my fault!  I did not do anything wrong. His reaction to me has left me feeling dirty, ugly and unwanted. Besides crushing me emotionaly, he has devistated finanically. I am not sure if I will ever be able to re-coop and own things again. 

I started going to school and took out large student loans with the understandinig and mutual agreement that I would go to school, so when I finish he could go to school and get out of the trade that he hates.  My whole life was changed July 19th. I still feel like screaming that I am the same person, that I have done nothing wrong...but there is no use.

I feel abandoned and betrayed. I hope that guys like your husband and mine find happiness, and that the Karma fairy pays them an overdue visit. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I do have a new montra that is keeping me going:

One year from now my life will be normal again, it will be a different normal, but it will be normal.

I hope you find peace.

Brenda

PS. Mine wouldn't move out either and it is very painful t come home and see him.

My husband of 26 years died in August 2010. I'm almost glad he is not here because he would have had a hard time dealing with what I'm going through and I would be the one consoling him. But he would never have left me.

I really feel for you ladies who are going through this. It must be one of the most difficult things in the world. Stay strong and if you are a Christian remember Isaiah 40:29-31.

God Bless.

brenda, I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

Brenda -----------good for you. This man does not love you ---------he used and abused you. It would be interesting to see what a background check would show. Remember what I said he learned it someplace. I'll add that it is likely he has done it before or watched his parents do it. This type of behavior is not from a normal person. Whatever you do fight like hell to keep him from getting alimony.

Is your lawyer one in the same with both skills or do you have to have to separate ones. Are you going private or legal aide. I only ask these questions b/c they could be helpful to anyone seeking info here for the same thing. Anything you can share about the who what when where why/ how etc. May save someone later, even months or years from now. If this thread goes inactive and you are still active ----bump it every once and awhile.

Sorry, you are going through this . I know when you took your vows this is not what you were expecting Namaste sheila

Girls, I'm with you.  What is wrong with these men?  Marriage is a committment and a decision.  Make the decision, and the feelings follow.  If your husband is not on that page, get rid of him because his love is conditional, and no one is perfect enough to earn love all the time.  YOU deserve love!  And respect!  Especially during diagnosis and treatment!

So sorry you are going through this, can I ask were both of you happy and not in a rut before you had cancer. Do you think he has had this fling because of the cancer and couldn't cope.

We all go through very rough times even when we don't have illness to get in the way. Maybe you both can work it out if that's what YOU want. Please don't think of the kids only you because it won't work unless you really want it too.



Alison x

A marriage or relationship is worth working on if there is mutual respect, children involved, and no domestic violence.  Once violence enters into the picture, get out fast, because things only go downhill fast from there.

My friend just got out of a horrible marriage where she was hit and her eardrum had to be replaced.  He was put on probation for a year.  They divorced and he screwed her royally by saying he had no money, etc.  She is struggling to survive on her SS.  Now, he shows up at a party with his new fiancee in tow and they talk about what a beautiful home they have and all the trips they are taking.  This woman has no clue what she's in for when the "honeymoon" ends.  She even mentioned privately to me last night that he was quite domineering...well that's an understatement.  I didn't know what to say to her and it's really none of my business, but I hate to see someone else get hurt when he combines his drugs and alcohol and then goes off the deep end again.

I feel like I'm involved in a TV episode of "What Would You Do".