Best Friend Just diagnosed w/ breast ca what can I do to help.

Is she for sure doing chemo? She'll lose all her body hair if so but she can draw on brows. It's not like you get fake eyebrows and eyelashes - you can, I suppose but they are hard to tolerate.  I couldn't even stand to wear a wig.

Your friend will need support as chemo progresses.  She'll get tireder and it'll be harder to do normal things. Help her by making a casserole and bringing it over, or cleaning her bathroom for her or something.  Let her talk to you.

You sound like you have your hands full with your family  though!

Everybody has different coping (or not) mechanisms.  Some women ask lots of questions and seek out information and some just hide. You have to figure out what kind your friend is and support her from there.  If she doesn't want to know stuff, then don't tell her anything, just be there for her when she finds out.

It's really important for you to NOT give medical advice.  I am stage IV and I still have people telling me what they think they know about cancer.  Trust me, after two years of treatment I know more than they ever will, and everybody is different - unless they are a doctor, should not be giving me any medical advice.  So, try to be a supportive ear rather than an advisor. 

One thing you can do is make sure she is supplied with movies and books and music.I was too sick to shop for those kind of things,even online.Sleep and lounge wear is great to have,you can't have too many.My best friend bought me the most beautiful strawberry red blanket,very light but so warm...I mentioned I was cold at my first chemo.I took it with me to every treatment and still sleep with it on my bed.I agree about the listening,it is an overwhelming time.I am going to hope she is one of the lucky ones who breezes right through chemo.

I wasn't as sick as most people during chemo, and still remember the people who did things with me.  So if you can get her out of the house if she is up to it.  Even if for a nice drive, or a bit of shopping.  Or perhaps for a walk.

I am a bath taker, so really appreciated having nice bath oils around as soothing on delicate, dry skin.  Of course, that meant I had to clean the tub, but that was OK.

You might want to plan a big celebration when this is all over.  I did that for myself, and it gave me something to look forward to.

She may get very depressed and grumpy, but that is part of the deal.  She will remember who was there for her.....and who wasn't. - Claire

jmira -

   A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with BC earlier this year.  Though my friend is a bit farther along in the treatment process (Chemo treatment 6 of 8), I understand your feelings completely.  When I found out her dx, I did the same thing you did.  I started reading the forums and collecting as much info as possible since I can't stand to feel uninformed. 

    It is SO hard to know what to do and say, but what has worked best for me is to just let her lead the conversations (as many of the lovely ladies of BCO have already said).  If she brings up her treatment or side effects, just go with it.  If, on the other hand, she seems like she wants to talk about what her kids are doing that week, go with that as well.  As for chiming in with your own knowledge, I've found asking questions is sometimes the best way to go.  Before my friend started chemo, we were discussing her treatment plan, and I asked her about what side effects she was expecting.  Targeted questions helped me to find out what she already knew and what I shouldn't bring up yet.  I've tried to be really careful with any of the negative stuff (like lymphedema and neuropathy) that she isn't dealing with yet (and hopefully, won't have to deal with at all).   I think just being there for your friend will probably help a lot.  Visiting often, just to talk (or just to listen), seems to be helpful as well, though during treatment weeks, I always try to call first to make sure she's okay with having visitors.  I know my friend has told me before that she really appreciates visitors since she's supposed to avoid large crowds and has been pretty much house bound (because of a low white cell count caused by the chemo). 

    Finally, I'd say use the boards to your best advantage.  I've learned a ton from these forums about what not to say (like avoiding the sad eyes and the meaningful "How ARE you?").  You're a wonderful friend for being so concerned and proactive, and I'm sure she knows that.  So just go with your gut.  When things like this happen, I don't think anyone really knows how to handle it.

Dearest Binney,

   Hmmm, that's a really good point.  It couldn't hurt to at least forward the info, right?  Thanks for the input!  Just out of curiousity, is lymphedema something you always have to watch out for?  My friend is about 3 months out of surgery, and she's had no problems with it.  But I'm wondering if she'll have to worry about preventing it forever?

(((HUGS)))

-KT

KT, it's entirely appropriate, because it's all about helping your friend. The risk is forever, and we have women here who develop it 5, 15, even 20+ years out (of course it's still very neat to be 20+ years out from bc treatment).

Please do feel free to PM me with questions, or stop by the "Lymphedema" forum here and "talk" to all the supportive women there.

Hug to you and your friend. She's so lucky to have you.
Binney