Help! I feel anger and resentment...

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BigD
BigD Member Posts: 6
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mother was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer that has metasticized to her bones in May, 2011.  I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and, together with my Dad, we have done everything in our power to make her feel safe, loved, comfortable and positive.

 So why am I angry?  Because she first felt a lump in her breast 2 years ago and did nothing.   No mammogram, no doctor appointment, nothing.  No matter how we begged, pleaded or bribed her - she wouldn't go.  It wasn't until she could no longer walk due to the cancer in her leg, that she sought treatment.

 Why do I feel resentment?  Because this woman who I love so much, refused to take care of herself and now, when there is almost nothing the doctors can do, she acts like it's all about "her".  How she is feeling, how depressed she is, how angry she is at "cancer", how much she hates taking pills, etc.. I feel so selfish when I write that, but that is how I feel. 

It isn't all about her, the diagnosis, treatment, pills, etc..  It's also about the missed opportunities for my children to have a lasting relationship with their grandmother. It's about my father who has no idea what to do to make his wife of 44 years feel better.  He can hardly sleep, let alone function.  It's about her 4 children she has who have dropped everything to do what we can, and the families we have left at home.  It's about the wedding of my older sister that she won't attend; the graduation of my son that she won't be there for; it about Christmas 2011 and how she probably will already be with God.  

So how do I get over the anger and resentment?  I'm not mad at the cancer - it happens. I just wish she understood that when she allowed it to take over, it made everyone suffer.  

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited August 2011

    BigD, I would urge you to talk to a counselor privately about your feelings.  Your feelings of anger are perfectly understandable, but you're right in wanting to get over them or at least not let these feelings interfere with what is happening with your mother.

    If you live where your mother lives, maybe a nurse or social worker where she is being treated can put you in touch with a counselor who is specifically informed about cancer, and ideally, well-informed about breast cancer in particular. (If you don't live near your mother, maybe you could call a Gilda's Club or American Cancer Society near you and ask for a recommendation about a counselor?)

    Also, if your mother's metastases are only to her bones, there is a very good possibility that she can live with bone mets for much, much longer than you are imagining -- and with a better quality of life than you are probably imagining.

    In a way, it really is about your mother now.  You have her now -- don't let your anger at possibly losing her rob you of the time you do have.  You and she can't go back and change things -- and thinking about "what-if's" really won't help either of you.  There are plenty of women on these boards who were diagnosed at Stage IV -- and some types of breast cancer are not fast-growing -- so it is even possible that your mother had mets to her bones 2 years ago when she felt this lump. Plenty of women are in your mother's situation even though they did see their doctors regularly.

    If at all possible, I think it would be very helpful to go with your mother to doctors' appointments and find out what they are really saying about her treatments, and what she can expect in the months and years to come.  I even wonder if your mother is feeling that she will die before Christmas because she feels guilty...

    I hope these words have been of some help.  Don't beat yourself up about feeling angry, but please do find someone you can vent to privately!  Hopefully, a counselor can help you vent your anger, "package" it for yourself, and find a way to be there for your family...

    Hugs,

    A

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  • Fighter_34
    Fighter_34 Member Posts: 834
    edited August 2011

    BigD- parents become our kids as they age. Just known I feel your pain. I have a cousin that is going thru a simliar situation, and it's hard to keep my aunt stable becasue she should have seeked help early.

    She's a daibetic and just suffered a stroke last week. I am totally exhausted w/ the whole situation at this point.

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  • BigD
    BigD Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2011

    Thanks for the reply Ann - I do appreciate the words of encouragement.  I don't really know what I expected when I posted this - I guess I just wanted someone "safe" to hear about how I am feeling.  I didn't know if there were other family members who felt the same way who could share their insight.  Maybe tell me it okay to be mad for a while?

    To answer some of your questions - I haven't let these feelings interfere with our relationship.  As my earlier post indicated, I have done everything in my power to support her through this painful experience.  This includes taking her to appointments, getting her insurance to get her a new wheelchair, cooking her meals, cleaning her house, getting her a hospital bed, etc.  She is my mom and I love her dearly.  I don't want to trouble her with how I am feeling.

     However, I respectfully disagree.  It isn't all about her.  It's about all of us.  Her entire family is hurting.  Maybe not physically, but we are all in this together.   

     As far as venting in private.  I got it.  I didn't understand what this board was for.

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  • BigD
    BigD Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2011

    Thanks for understanding Fighter!  I'm getting better - I just need some time to get through these feelings - and time is one thing I don't have!  As children of parents who need us, we just gotta keep it together and keep going.  I'm fortunate in that I have siblings who are all committed to doing what we need to do.  Share the wealth!  I hope that you and your cousin have a support system as well.  Take care. 

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited August 2011
    BigD -- I just meant private from your mom or family, not private from us!  And I do know, it is about you and your whole family too -- and I have a much clearer picture from your second comment about what's going on -- sending you support!
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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited August 2011

    Big D,

    Your feelings are so normal.  Of course you are angry!  I get you and support you here if you desire to share more!  xo

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  • BigD
    BigD Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2011

    Ann,

    THANK YOU for clairfying!  I obviously missed your meaning and am glad you took the time to respond.  Laughing

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited August 2011

    BigD - It's always going to be about everyone in the family, but in ways so different that perhaps you each won't understand. You may never understand your mother's pain and she may never realize yours - unless the two of you are slowly able to open up about it in a loving, non threatening way, which is so much easier said than done.

    I do want you to bear one thing in mind very strongly as you cope with your feelings: Regardless of how your mother eventually stacks up in your mind, whether she was selfish or selfless, etc..., there is no knowing for sure whether your mother's outcome would have been different if she had had the lump excised. You must be aware of that. Some cancers will grow and spread regardless of when they are detected; others may disappear. One of the frustrating things about cancer that all of us here deal with are the uncertainties. There is no right path.

    And speaking from the point of view of a cancer patient (though not Stage IV), I can tell you that we often strive to protect our families in widely diverging ways. So, while some of us here on these boards may opt to go for early and aggressive treatment at all costs to get as much time as we can with our loved ones, others believe that we would rather be here for less time than have our loved ones see us suffer and weakened. It's strange, isn't it? The starkly contrasting choices we can make in the name of love.

    I hope that you are able to exchange ideas about this with your mother. I don't know her or you, but it may surprise you and she may have a master plan of her own for protecting her children - even if perhaps not the one YOU would have chosen.

    In any case, it took courage for you to come and post this and I hope our responses and your own thoughts help you to cope with this tragedy. It's never time to lose a parent and I am really sorry for what your family is going through.

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  • reesie
    reesie Member Posts: 2,078
    edited August 2011

    BigD, I'm a Mom who waited too long, I can only console myself with the fact that I could have had mets by the time I realized that I didn't have an infection that wasn't going away (although my family didn't know about the problem until after the dx). 

    I have a lot of "reasons" that kept me from going to the doc - none of them make sense now, but they did then.  The biggest was fear I think.  Well by the time I got to the doc, the fear I had was realized and now it's too late to change things. 

    I stopped being angry with myself - well not yet - but I do realize there's no point in "what if's".  So I would certainly understand if my family felt that anger too (they now know that I delayed getting checked).

    Now, I have (had) mets just about everywhere (see my profile) but now we only see some of them.  My GYN told me if I waited even one more month I wouldn't be here now.  So, if there is hope for me with treatment, there is certainly hope for your mom.  Maybe some of her "all about me" attitude is still her fear manifesting itself.  Let her know there is hope with treatment.  Her docs should be able to back this up. 

    Tell her not to give up so she can make those milestones (I plan on being at all of my kids weddings and none of them have even a thought of a serious relationship right now - heck none of them are even dating).  Let her know you all want her to stick around, so she needs to buck up (ok, maybe not using those words, but you know what I mean).

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  • Claire_in_Seattle
    Claire_in_Seattle Member Posts: 4,570
    edited August 2011

    BigD....breast cancer treatment is nasty stuff, so I can understand why your mother is so depressed.  You are doing all the right things, and I also understand why this is no fun.

    All I can say is to forgive your mother.  Two things happen early on:

    1. You feel just fine otherwise, so all appears well.   Not everyone makes the connection that they will die if they don't get help.  I can say from experience that one of the hardest things I ever did was admit this to myself, as I was your mother two years ago.  I was the fittest I had ever been at that time.
    2. There is also a belief that things will be just fine if you leave them alone.  Someone here had the same feelings about her sister, who had gone the "alternative route" until the same thing happened.  No, you need treatment, and you know this is going to be a not fun time.

    Anyway, I suspect your mother knew things were amiss even before then.  You can't turn back the clock though.  All you can do is forgive her and move on.

    She may have felt that there was nothing to be done, so why try???  Perhaps she opted for quality of life for a couple more years.

    You see this all the time in other areas.  People with obvious heart symptoms who don't go for help; people who avoid the dentist while their teeth rot out of their mouth (the dentist is often a miserable experience); people who don't go for routine checkups until they collapse and die from something easily controllable.

    Anyway, pray that she responds well to the treatment.  I am sorry she is so resentful, but not uncommon.  This is nasty stuff.

    I can understand your anger too.  However, try to cherish all the wonderful moments.  Do what you can for her.  And sometimes, things don't have a happy ending.  In that case, try to see that she is comfortable and gets to enjoy what time she has left to the fullest extent possible.

    That may be all you can do at this point. - Claire

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  • BigD
    BigD Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2011

    Luvmyfamily,

    Thanks for understanding and not calling me out.  It's good to know there are others (even strangers) who can help you! 

    Athena and Ressie,

    Thanks for giving me the "Mom" side of the story.  Ressie - I think fear was probably the biggest issue for Mom.  And as I sit here, I am shocked that I didn't go there first.  Her mother, aunt, mother-in-law and sister have all died of cancer (3 from breast cancer).  That's a pretty big pill to swallow when you find a lump yourself. 

    And Athena, yes!  My mother has protected her kids.  Whether it makes sense or not, she probably feels somewhat of a burden to us - SHE'S NOT!! However, since her role has always been of the caretaker, it's most likely very difficult for her to let us do stuff for her.

    Phew!  I feel so much lighter.  Thanks to everyone who responded, to those who read my post and prayed for us, and to those who understand where I am coming from and sent me positive vibes. 

    It's time to get back to fighting now.  Peace to everyone!

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  • BigD
    BigD Member Posts: 6
    edited August 2011

    Claire,

    Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I don't think my feelings have affected my relationship with my Mom.  We are probably closer now than we were before - guess you gotta be when you are helping your Mom with a shower!  :)  

    You have all helped tremendously!  I just wish things were different.  I will do my best to try and understand what it might be like for her.  She's probably just as angry at herself and most likely resents relying so much on her daughters for help.  But that is what family is for.  I will always adore her.  I will make sure she knows that!!

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