All I really want to do is cry...
I actually don't feel like doing anything. It is Sunday and thinking of going to work tomorrow is bringing me down further. If you ask me why I am feeling so low I couldn't really give you an answer. In the big scheme of things....I am a fortunate one. I had DCIS, it could have been so much worse. But, for various and valid reasons I went with a BMX and reconstruction with TE. Now, I'll be facing radiation beginning next month.
Nothing is really TERRIBLE....I just feel that way. I am exhausted and have zero interest in anything. I'm lonely and feel like finding a loving relationship is next to impossible (hey, I felt that way before BC and now....it is even worse) I know that I need to see my doctor about the way I'm feeling but I don't even have any interest in doing that.
I am normally a very upbeat and positive sort of person which makes feeling this way even worse. I don't know what I'm looking for here but may for people to tell me this is normal and that it WILL get better....eventually.
Comments
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Hi Julianna:
It is definitely normal. I have to force myself to get up and go to work on Monday (and Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) mornings. The way I dress is different now since I had breast cancer too even after reconstruction. I feel like everyone is staring at me and tend to "layer up" all the time.
I get bad anxiety about driving, which I never had before. My onco prescribed Effexor but I could not tolerate it. It is supossed to help counter-act alot of the meds we get. I know it does help many people.
You are still in the very active stages and probably have a LOT of doctor appointments right now still. You might want to ask one of the docs you are comfortable with for something to help you....although sometimes just "talking" to someone on here with someone who can understand can help by iteself.
You can feel free to PM me if you want. I'll cry with you if you want.....and will definetly understand.
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Julianna,
It's all ok, you're exhausted, and you have been dealing with a lot. DCIS is a big thing, you made tough choices, your body and mind have been through hell. Give yourself some rest, and just call your doctor and have them call you in a prescription, they're used to it and will know what to do.
This is normal, this will get better, you're nearing the end of treatments, so go a bit easy on yourself and let everything that has been locked up go. We all go through this, then when treatment ends we go through it again, because we still feel like we should be doing something.
The trick to finding love is to not look for it, then it happens. When we feel happy and self assured in ourselves, that is when we attract people to us. Don't waste your time on feeling negative, do something positive for yourself instead, even if it's just a bubble bath.
You're normal! And this will pass.
((hugs))
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Julianna -- I think everything you're feeling is totally normal. You have had a masectomy. Now you have been told you have to do radiation when you didn't expect that. Someone posted elsewhere that post-traumatic stress syndrome is a real possiblity when dealing with breast cancer. I believe it ! It all is such a head-game...it's awful. I am prone to depression and anxiety, so I am not surprised to have those feelings again since my diagnosis. But if you are normally an upbeat and positive person, it just must make you feel like things are really screwed up ! Ironically, with depression, you can get so low you don't feel like making the effort to see a doc about it. But it sounds like you really should try to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. Hormones can also mess with us. Being a woman really sucks sometimes !
Sending you hugs -- and hopefully others will post here, with more helpful remarks than mine?? But sometimes it just helps to know someone HEARS you and knows where you are coming from...
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HA ! See...while I was typing my post, others were already responding ! This website is soooo great !
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Julianna,
I have been right there with you so many times. The hardest thing for me to do every day is get out of bed to go to work. I used to love my job but now it's so hard to feel good about anything sometimes. I just finished chemo 2 weeks ago and everyone thinks I should be back to my old self again. She is gone and I have to find my new self. I could go on and on with all the negatives, but it just will bring me down further. Find one good thing every day ... Focus on that!
I start rads on Thursday this week and am not looking forward to it at all.
I have found that the emotional part of the BC journey has been FAR more difficult for me than the physical. I'm sorry it sounds like it is for you too! -
Julianna- Like MamaV the emotional fallout of BC has been much so much harder. And it's the part no one prepares you for. I found once I was "done" I just couldn't seem to shake the funk I was feeling. I think it's so hard because on t.v., movies, etc when a woman has BC she seems to just sail through treatment and get on with her life in like 15 minutes. But it's like grieving- we all move at our own pace. What helped me was finally seeing I wasn't the only one who was struggling. That no matter what stage of BC we had there were a lot of common emotional issues we all face. It was hard for me, having DCIS like you, to feel thankful in being "cured" when I never felt sick. It was the "cure" that was making me feel like crap. There's a great thread on here for those of us struggling with all this. It is called "Great saying about depression". Sometimes it just helps to know you're not alone.
I also found this article from the NY Times. A man named Dana Jennings wrote about dealing with his depression after cancer. It seems to resonate with a lot of us.
September 29, 2009After Cancer, Ambushed by Depression
By DANA JENNINGS
I'm depressed.
I'm recovering well from an aggressive case of prostate cancer, I haven't had any treatment in months, and all of my physical signposts of health are pointing in the right direction.
Still, I'm depressed.
And I've been ambushed by it. After more than a year of diagnosis, treatment and waiting, it's almost as if, finally and unexpectedly, my psyche heaved a sigh and gave itself permission to implode.
I'm not alone in this cancer-caused depression. As many as 25 percent of cancer patients develop depression, according to the American Cancer Society. That's contrasted with about 7 percent of the general population.
This isn't about sadness or melancholy. It's more profound than that. Broadly, I have a keen sense of being oppressed, as if I were trapped, wrapped up in some thick fog coming in off the North Atlantic.
To be more specific, I'm exhausted, unfocused and tap my left foot a lot in agitation. I don't much want to go anywhere - especially anyplace that's crowded - and some days I can't even bear the thought of picking up the phone or changing a light bulb. All of this is often topped off by an aspirin-proof headache.
The fatigue frustrates me most. When I envision myself it's as a body in motion, walking or running, not foundering in bed. On one recent day, I slept till 10 in the morning - getting 11 hours of sleep - then took a nap from noon to 2. And I was still tired.
I've had occasional depression over the years, but nothing as dogged as this. When I first learned that I had prostate cancer, I wondered about depression. But after the shock of the diagnosis wore off, I was sharp and clear-headed. I wasn't depressed as I went through treatment - surgery, radiation and hormone therapy. I was buoyed by a kind of illness-induced adrenaline.
The bone-smoldering fatigue arrived in late spring/early summer, and intensified as summer deepened. I thought that I might be depressed, but resisted the diagnosis, didn't want to countenance the idea that I could be depressed after all of my treatment.
I stubbornly chalked the fatigue up to the lingering aftereffects of radiation and my fluctuating levels of testosterone. But I was wrong.
I am seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in cancer patients, and have started a course of medication. My doctor assures me that depression isn't unusual among those who are on the far side of treatment.
Partly, I think, I'm grieving for the person I was before I learned I had cancer. Mortality is no longer abstract, and a certain innocence has been lost.
And while the physical trauma is past, the stress lingers and brings with it days washed in fine shades of gray. In the same way that radiation has a half-life, stress does, too. We all ache to be the heroes of our own tales, right? Well, I'm not feeling too heroic these days.
Cancer pushes lots of difficult buttons. It lays bare our basic vulnerability and underlines the uncertainty of this life. And prostate cancer attacks our culture's ideal of manhood. The steely-eyed Marlboro Man isn't expected to worry about incontinence and erectile dysfunction.
Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases. Even though my health keeps improving, and there's a good chance that I'm cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp.
It's harder to write about the weight of depression than it is to write about prostate cancer and its physical indignities. Cancer is clear biological bad luck. But depression, no matter how much we know about it, makes part of me feel as if it's somehow my fault, that I'm guilty of something that I can't quite articulate.
This has also been a difficult post to write because during my dark waltz with cancer I've depended on my natural optimism and my sense of humor to help see me through. But depression blunts those traits.
In the end, though, I believe in and trust in the healing power of the stories that we tell each other. And I wouldn't be truthful to you or myself if I ignored the fact that I'm depressed ... even as I wait for a brisk wind billowing out of the north that'll blow this fog of mine away.
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Ladies...each one of you, I thank you. Your understanding if this horrible feeling/depression makes me feel better (as I can be right now). After hearing from each of you I finally worked up the energy to send an email to my primary physician whom I have trusted with so many other things so at least I am taking steps. Kate, thank you for sharing the article....it is uncanny how well it describes the feeling. MamaV and Jen....I'll be seeing you on the August rads thread where we can all support each other.
Again, for all of you, thank you. It is so difficult to find someone that understands this in my day to day life. Bless you all.
Juls
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Juls, I would only add that life DOES go on ... I felt the same way back in 2005 when I was diagnosed, but almost 6 yrs later I love coming back here and offering hope to everyone. Positive attitude counts for so much so I hope you can keep that going. My very best wishes to you for a treatment plan that causes the least amount of pain and side effects. Hugs
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I so understand how you feel. I used to have to tell myself to get up and put one foot in front of the other. It does get better. What you are going thru is normal and we are here for you. Hugs, Mazy
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Julianna i no how you feel Ive cried so much today I have a severe headache family dosent understand.i start Chemo tommorow for the 1st time and am terrified and depressed this is a great site and glad we are not alone.Its nice to know other people understand what we are going through I was an upbeat person too before diagnosed now its fear fear fear.I dont have to go out to work but I do have 5 kids @ home so its hard to get on with life.My husband and kids are very positive and I feel like an idiot for crying all the time so try to stay in my room as much as possible.I hope you get meds from the Dr and are feeling better real soon.Hugs
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ok. I will not tell you this is normal but I know how you feel. I was diagnosed last year and finished with my treatment and radiation. I thought that things will get better. The truth is that this is too much for any one to deal with. Every day i have a little pain here and there and dont know if I make it by tomorrow. I am also single but dont even want to think about relationship. I am not writing to tell you that you should feel this way b/c I do or the others do. I think we would feel little better when we talk to each other and share our pains.
take care
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julianna51, I've been riding the roller coaster of emotions since I found the lump in my breast in Dec of 2010. Some days are better than others, yet why I feel more upbeat at times I couldn't say. I do try to do things that keep my mind busy, like finding a really good book to read that I can't put down. Or watching a good movie on TV (not always easy!). I think it's good you've started to reach out to your physician, I know I talk with several of my doctors about how I feel, good, bad, or ugly and it always seems to help. (I've also tried several different antidepressants but so far none seem to agree with me). I also listen to a couple different meditation tapes by Belleruth Naparstek on my ipod and that seems to help a bit. Will be keeping you lifted in prayer.
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Sandy - how did your 1st chemo go? Thinking of you today ...
Vicky -
Hi Sandy, I hope that your first day of chemo went well and that you are feeling better today!
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Hi Mamav and Julianna I am feeling a little better today chemo was'nt as bad as I thought time went in fast.Just very nauses since I came hoem Ive keeping up with all the medsbut nothings working
not throwing up though which is good and bad pain in the back of my head.I have't eaten since sunday so just taking it easy I couldnt believe my sister didnt understand why i didnt want to go to the resturant with her and have afew cocktails some people just dont get it.I hope you are all having a good day with minimum S/E hugs and thxs for checking in.
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That's what I did too sandy. Didn't throw up but didnt eat for 4 days with each round of A/C.
Hang in there! -
Julianna,
I so understand how you feel. For me probably starting with radiation & probably for at least the next year, I felt so bad I truely felt like I was dying. I couldn't put my finger on anything wrong it was just the way I felt. Had several test run & nothing. After starting on antidepressant & some counseling & God's touch I began to get better. I still have days I don't handle things well but they are a 1000 times better than at that time. So I understand your feelings.
Sending you lots of love & prayers. NJ
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Julianna, as you can see by all these posts, you are not alone. I was diagnosed in late June and feel the exact same way. I can't sleep, can't eat, cry all the time and find little comfort in my faith. My husband and friends have been understanding but I keep thinking they will soon tire of my emotions. I've been talking with a cancer social worker at a local hospital, and she has been very understanding. Perhaps there is someone like that at your local hospital. I am holding your hand on this journey.
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Hugs to all on this emotional journey together!
You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have!
Vicky
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Hi ladies -- I just wanted to provide a link where you can type in a review for bco.org. I found this on the depression thread...apparently some negative stuff going on in other threads and it could compromise this site? Anyway, I have found this site to be an incredibly positive and helpful place and want it to always be available! If you want to write a review, go to: greatnonprofits.org
find bco and click on "write a review".
I don't have a lot of women friends out in the "real world" and this breast cancer thing has been isolating in ways...feeling like people just don't understand...and the support I have found on these threads has been truly incredible.
Thanks and hugs to every one of you !
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MamaV- I like what you said about never knowing how strong you are. Even if I was being burned at the stake I would never say anything good came out of having BC but I have to admit it did show me that.
Jen42- I think, for me, that is where part of my post-treatment depression came from- that isolation you talked about. It really causes you to reevaluate a lot of your relationships. Like you, I don't have a lot of female friends I see on a daily basis so when some of the few I did have went missing during treatment it really did a number on my head. It makes you reassess everything you thought you knew about yourself and your place in your little corner of the world. I wonder how many more women would connect in the "real world" if they could share themselves openly the way most of us do on here? I just know this site has been a godsend for me. I can't understand anyone trying to turn it into a negative experience for anyone!
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Jen and Kate - Yes, in the real world I am a bit private and reclusive. I have some good friends but as you've said....not as open with them as I've found that I can be on this site.
Everyone here on this thread and others have been so supportive. I've felt so comforted pouring out my nutty depression on here and having so many give their support and let me know that I'm not losing my mind.
I did figure out that I think I was taking way too much valium. My PS prescribed it, the pharmacist didn't say much about it beyond don't take more than once every 6 hours but after I started feeling so terribly out of control and depressed I started looking at it and found I had 10mg pills which I think is way way too much for me, I'm only 5'2" and 128 so I've been cutting the pills in half and may even half them again....and then try not to take too often. They sure do make me sleep well though!!!
Wait...who am I kidding....I'm pretty quiet, shy and reclusive wherever I go. haha
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julianna -- I have terrible insomnia, which affects my moods. After two years of only getting about 3 hours sleep each night (if I was lucky), and trying all the "sleep tips" on the face of the earth (chammomile tea, dark room, no caffeine, no alcohol, blah blah blah), doctor put me on Ambien . I ended up taking it almost every night for a year and loved it. I slept for 6 hours straight, woke up refreshed, did not do any weird "sleepwalking" that you hear stories about. But turns out it was making my depression worse...to point of suicidal thoughts...and when I hurt my back, it took forever to get better and when I finally thought to google Ambien, people had reported back and neck pain ! I cut if off cold turkey (hoo boy, was THAT rough...felt like I had the flu for a week...and, of course, I stopped sleeping again). BUT...my back pain suddenly improved after 3 days off the Ambien, and I didn't feel suicidal anymore. So I threw the pills out. A few months later I got diagnosed with bc and my insomnia is so bad again..some nights I lay awake and wish I hadn't thrown the pills away. I was given some Xanax for before my BMX and it worked great night before my surgery and morning of. But when I have tried it since then, I either don't sleep or I have crazy, heart-pounding nightmares. I think drugs and me just don't mix. I react badly to pain meds, too. I've never tried Valium. It would probably do something weird to me, too. But I'm jealous that it helps you sleep. Although I'm glad you realized you might be taking too much for your body size -- YIKES !
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Jen - It knocks me out and I sleep like a baby....but, need to be careful with it. How di the the Xanax work during the day for you?
You might try just taking a small amount of melatonin about an hour before bed. That can really help and you should not have any bad side affects. Only about 3mg.
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julianna - The only Xanax I took during the day was the 1/2 tab on morning of BMX surgery. It kept me calm but not groggy. I think I would have been a jittery, crying mess without it that day! I have only tried it at night since then...with the results I mentioned in earlier post. I don't understand why the first night I took it (night before surgery), it worked great, with no crazy nightmares or anything...but since then, wierdness.
My naturopath chiropractor is trying to help me with the insomnia -- amino acids, tryptophan, stuff like that in some drops I take every day. It was helping at first...now it's not. I haven't brought it up to her yet, though, cuz I am eating too much sugar (against her advice but I'm such a chocoholic!) and that might be screwing me up. Oops.
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