Accused of using my cancer as a manipulative tool

Gutsy - that is horrible! I am so sorry you had that experience. For the travel agency to accuse you of trying to manipulate them and then your sister apologizing to them - the whole thing is just wrong. I am sorry there are people like that travel agent who do not have the least idea of what going through chemo or having BC is like and showing  such little compassion and understanding.  Thankfully there are people out there that are understanding and supportive. Please try and not let her insensitive attitude and lack of compassion get you down. The problem is really hers, not you. If you want, write the letter to the head office explaining everything that happened. I would hope you would get a much better response!!! You deserve a wonderful trip!

Gutsy...your sister should have had your back...I would be upset too.

HOLY COW!  After you get back, you need to write them a letter and show them what a "nasty letter" really looks like.  Let them have it with both barrels.  In fact, you may get a rough draft from me in your inbox to get you started.  Hmmmmph!  The nerve!  

I'm not sure why being honest is " negative and manipulative"

If you feel like it you can call /write the head office or 'review' them on the web.

Or maybe best to just forget about them, they obviously can't do their job if they overbook and go around spreading negativity.

Try to forget about them.

I hope you have a great vacation with someone else!

Yucky treatment!

Unfortunately, people use all kinds of sneaky tricks to marginalize people who are already marginalized in order to keep the upper hand. I have another disability, and I found this "Derailing for Dummies" webpage really captures some of the nuanced ways they do it

bit.ly/cSCHRZ

Your travel agent pulled out a combination of "you're being overemotional; you're just oversensitive; you just enjoy being offended; you're taking things too personally; you've lost your temper so I don't have to listen to you any more; you are damaging your cause by being angry." 

Doesn't sound to me like you stomped and demanded they kick out all the other guests, just requested maybe some consideration. I did the same thing right after my dx to get into a run event that I emotionally wanted to do before my mastectomy, but I didn't want to register until the MDs said it was okay to schedule that way, and when they did, the event was full. I wrote the exact same request you describe, and cried a lot, and then after two low level regrets, I got a magical special accommodation from someone higher up. It's a reasonable thing to ask for, even if after trying their best they can't accommodate.

As for your sister, mine seems to think I have a magic carpet ride as a result of my disability. Self-styled allies are so tuned into the imposition on themselves and our imposition on other people that they tend to wish we would dial it down. Because "snark" is my middle name (Gold Snark Lining), I tend to reply "allrightythen, YOU have this disability for the rest of your life, while **I** will be happy to incur the inconvenience of accommodating it for the next two hours."

Hang in there. People sometimes have their heads where the sun doesn't shine, but compassionate people are happy to try to give a break and it's not unreasonable to ask for consideration. 

Wow. "Unprofessional" is the most COMPLIMENTARY of the words that came to mind as I read what happened.



Yes, it is true that some people view cancer patients as having some kind of "Get Out of Jail Free card" when it comes to social situations, and let's be honest, most of us have that same feeling to some degree while we are under treatment. And why should we not? People with physical disabilities are viewed (and, I am sure, feel) the same way. What it all comes down to is that both groups have a condition that the rest of the population does not have, and that condition has certain physical consequences that are more serious and/or longer lasting than something like a broken leg or a case of bronchitis.



So IMHO the 'crime' here is not that the travel agency person resented the (perceived) fact that a customer had brought a medical condition into a discussion of a business transaction in the hope of getting a favorable outcome, but that he/she actually EXPRESSED it to the customer (or in this case, the customer's representative since your sister was acting in that capacity).



I can't wrap my mind around what your sister felt she had to apologize to the travel agency for. Let's see, the logic must go something like this: "I am sorry that my sister wrote something that you interpreted in such a way that prompted you to express your insensitive personal reaction in a wholly unprofessional manner." Mr Spock is obviously turning over in his fictional grave, LOL



I wonder what would have happened if your circumstances had been different and you had instead written something like this: "I had been so looking forward to this trip which is the first one I would have gone on since becoming disabled." Would the travel agency then have responded that you were using a physical disability "as a manipulative tool", I wonder? If so, I guess something like the Americans With Disabilities Act would really infuriate these people, since it gives by law such "preferential treatment and accommodation" to the disabled.



EDIT LATER TO ADD: I just re-read the original post and realized I hadn't at first noticed the fact that your sister booked the 'replacement' hotel THROUGH THE SAME AGENCY! Guess I was so incensed at their unprofessionalism that it just didn't register. So in other words your sister not only issued a totally undeserved apology to these people (not once but twice!) but on top of that REWARDED them for their bad behavior by enabling them to collect a commision on the other hotel booking. Now that I just don't "get" at all! That's like saying to someone "I am so sorry that you were inspired to kick me in the butt for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and by the way here is a $10 bill for doing that." At the VERY least the replacement hotel should have been booked via a different agency. (I, like you, would have written a TRULY nasty letter of complaint to the agency's Powers That Be... and then booked the replacement hotel with someone else. Why reward bad behavior????)

Gutsy, it sounds to me that your loving sister uses emotional blackmail as her manipulative tool.

That travel agency used your letter in the 'best defense is a good offense' manner.  To deflect attention from their failure to perform their service satisfactorily.  Your people pleaser sister fell for it hook, line and sinker. 

I doubt she agreed with them but people pleasers want ... need ... everybody to like them so they are easy targets for such things IMO. 

The important thing is that you have a wonderful time on your trip!!!  And maybe make her buy you a box of chocolates too

gusty, sorry you're going through this. I haven't had this happen but I have to say, there are definitely times when I need to be with my tribe, that people w/o cancer just don't understand and never will. Do you have any in-person support group you can go to? I love this board but I found that in-person support helps too. FWIW, I've been going to a Guided Imagery group about once a month and I love it. All types of cancer patients. There's a brief period of check-in at the beginning and then the nice guided imagery. It helps me let go of my stresses and I always get a terrific night's sleep.  I get to be with my tribe but not get overloaded hearing about other stressful stories for 2 hours. There are also a couple 10-15 yr survivors so it's awesome to that long-road perspective.

gutsy, I can actually relate to how your sister makes you feel (when you said you can't criticize her behavior because she will cry and say how much she does for you, etc) because I used to have someone in my life who did the same thing. Not exactly the same because that person was definitely NOT an approval-seeker by nature but he was a MASTER of passive manipulation who would always trot out the "after all I do/have done for you" whine/cry/depressed routine any time anyone didn't behave the way he thought they should (or in other words, was in any way the least bit critical of his actions). It's a very hard 'loop' to break out of, because the "martyrs" will never ever change their behavior, and why should they? They've learned that it's a foolproof way to deflect consequences: Just cash in the never-expiring emotional chips they have 'earned' by whatever they have ever done for the other person in the past.



It's tough to deal with someone like that because essentially you are walking on eggshells with them. You appreciate what they do but inwardly you wish their assistance came (as it should, especially if their help was volunteered and not asked for directly by you as a favor) with no strings attached; but with them, as you said, "it comes with a price" -- the price being that you are made to feel guilty or ungrateful if you express yourself honestly with them when they do something that upsets you. And that does build up resentment (on your part) over time, because it's a self-perpetuating cycle unless the price ultimately becomes too high to keep paying and you finally tell them you're not going to buy into the imaginary guilt trip anymore.



It sounds like you are fortunate in that your sister doesn't live locally, but instead in another country. Trust me, it's a lot more stressful when the martyr/manipulator is someone you see in person often, or worse yet, someone in the same household! :-)