The "Be Positive" myth

My sister-in-law called me today to see how I was feeling. I told her I felt fine, and I do,at least right now i do. She then preceeded to tell me how well I'm handling "this" and I'm so upbeat. Am I supposed to be yelling and screaming  and crying and pulling out my hair??I figure at some point some medication will do the last one for me.I didn't tell her but I can tell you all, I do yell and scream, i cry a lot, I'm mad as hell,I do  all that stuff that people expect me to do, then I get out of the shower , dry myself off , get dressed and get on with my day, (sigh).

Forgot to add I give thanks for another day!

All here have a right to be frightened by this damnable disease. Each day we deal with something new, should we have it looked at, evaluated?. Those that say "Stay Positive" haven't got a clue. Cluck'em 

Thanks Ang7=====sas

  I honestly don't think having a positive or negative attitude is going to have any effect on a treatment working or not working or what out outcome will be, but I do think I feel a lot better being positive, or maybe optimistic would be a better word than being negative or down in the dumps.  Like today I was out working in the yard, sweating up a storm, digging in the dirt and having a good time because I absolutely love my flowers.....and I found myself thinking Next year this will be filled in and look really good and it hit me that I was thinking "next" year with the thought I am going to be here.   Just the other day I was looking at the yard with the thought Well, I better get this done now because I probably won't be here to do it in the Spring.  I am not sure what happened in a day that made me change my outlook, maybe just a mood swing, but I sure do feel a lot happier when I am positive.  It isn't going to actually have a thing to do with the way things turn out, but it makes me feel better and I actually enjoy smiling.  It is crappy having cancer, but I am just trying to make the most of my life and enjoy it in spite of my diagnosis.

The only thing I'm positive about, sometimes, is cancer sucks.

That doesn't mean I don't enjoy life or plan for the future. It means that I know that even if I never have this nasty disease come back it will have changed my life forever. And if I have to be Miss Mary Sunshine to stay alive, I'm a goner. Life, with or wothout cancer is not all sunshine and rainbows.

I will fight, even thogh sometimes I would rather curl up in a ball in a corner. But please nobody tell me how to feel.

wow- i needed to find this thread...when faced with nothing other than life in general my natural mood is upbeat with a small dose of cynicism- not mean, just in my thoughts, trying to keep it real. then comes bc and bammo- i am up down and all around- basking in the praise of being so happy and sweet like some damn puppy getting their belly rubbed when i really want to bite their ankles...i no longer trust my feelings and am seriously trying to get a grip on what I am really feeling at any given time. for i tend to have a huge blowback after either extreme. i want to shout GUESS WHAT- I am PISSED AND SCARED and then on the other hand HEY I AM STILL ME SO BITE ME FOR NOT WEARING A HAIR SHIRT....it is very odd. I am odd but BC has made me odder (not an otter, although they do have sleek hair and swim much better than I do). I get angry when I am scared- i even get mean. so it stands to reason i have been meaner since my dx yet other times, a wellspring of love and compassion flows out of me to everyone (well,almost everyone). I am not a pink lover, less so since my rage the the CEO of Komen pulls down half a million each year. arghhhhhhhh makes me POSTIVE that something is wrong with that scenario when so many cannot afford proper or optimum treatment. I don't mind people knowing I have had BC, that is ok but I certainly don't want a tattoo on my forehead saying such. If you want to say be positive, it is fine in the general scheme of life, lower heart rate, less cortisol, many benefits...but it counterproductive to say you have BC so you must be positive...friggin bc made me less positive...but i can deal....I can listen and read all of your words-even those I disagree with for at least you have some validity in having been DX with BC. but when others criticize me for being sad (or conversely praise me for being happy puppy) i see red. i would not tell someone with any malady to "don't worry, be happy"....ignorance is only bliss if your life does not depend on it....all i iwsh is to get back or move forward closer to who i know i am...the majority of the time looking up=no matter what life tosses and once in awhile stumbling and sad. I heard an old standard yesterday...smile tho your heart is breaking...hmmmm, why? I mean if your heart is breaking you certainly would not be smiling- you will smile some other day because I believe the highs and lows do taper off as we find a sweet spot somewhere in between ...but as I told an OB/GYN a few years ago who wanted to prescribe me an anti-depressant because I was bleeding so heavily for so long i was very disgusted and sad with my current lot in life- i said the "depression" is because i am bleeding my guts out for weeks on end...tends to make a person's spirits kinda punky....lets fix that and I got an idea I might be a little better off.  the whole chicken and the egg thing. I will never be happy i got BC- never- better ways to find out who I am and meet really cool people...much better ways. I will hopefully always be happy that I got out with my life and not too much damage to mind body and spirit. There is the rub- keeping that fear in the right place-not eradicating it so much that I am blind to any changes in my body I need to be aware of but really living in today and anticpating that tomorrow will come.

what is the point of this rambling....if you see my tail wagging approach with caution. i might bite your ankle

Well ladies I think yesterday I was told something I haven't heard yet and as I told you in my earlier post yesterday I have been in remission now for almost 5 yrs , so I've heard alot of messages as to how I should act and feel! Anyway, I was told to "man-up" and stop whinning and grumbling about my pains or what I was going thru! That I should be thankful that I wasn't worse or that I didn' t have the problems that others had! Now this is certain people who ask me how I am doing and tell me they are really worried about how I am and how I take care of myself. They have told me many times how they care and want to help me in any way they can! I tell anyone that I talk to all the time just how grateful I am that I am still living and that I can still do for myself even if it is limited, I'm thankful that I still maintain my independence and live in my own home! This was the same ones that I ask daily how they are doing and want to know how they are coping with their problems and I sincerely  do sit and listen to all their aches and pains and how they feel because I Know only too well that everyone needs to have someone listen and sympothize and I always try to do just that! But after they had asked me how was I doing and I replied with "it's been kinda of a rough week this week{ i had to be rushed to hospital last Sat. in excruiating pain in my lower left back, so bad it took my breath and i couldn't lay back or sit up I was yelping with every movement it was so bad) I am still in alot of pain and can't get around yet! Well ... after a bit of some very vocal comments made to me i asked what the heck had I done ?? I didn't have a clue as to why out of the blue I was actually verbally attacked for about 25 minutes with them letting me know how selfish I was and ... well, I could go on and on but you get the drift! I am the kind of person that has always been very loving and giving... I am very devoted to my kids.. and I always try to be helpful any way I can when someone needs help! I really do!! I have to admit this has thrown me for a huge loop and I just don't know how to feel right now! I am going thru a fearful time right now because I have read up on the symptoms of recurring cancer and I have many of the symptoms and am scared to death now! I haven't told anyone and after that bout yesterday lol, I think I'm scared to!!I feel like I between a rock and a hard place right now!! Thank God for you guys!! At least here I don't think  I will have to "man-up" right now! lol

I had a different kind of serious illness treated about 10 years ago.  The treatment was awful, but when I was done, I went to work in a remote Eskimo village in the Arctic which could only be reached by air.  Polar bears, walked through town. So it did change me in that I decided that I would do more things that made me happy, but reality stepped in and I went back to my regular job for a better paycheck.  When BC hit, I was only MORE p+ssed off!  I felt like WHAT???? Again!? My dd and ds are on the attitude kick.  I love them to peices, but I just tell them, it must be nice to be so perfect that you know how you would act, not having been through this.  Some one wrote that here.  My goal NOW is to have an affair with the handsome pharmacist when I'm done.  Hey, who said you can't be delusional?

But yes this does sum up what I feel I am still early to this, and it puts it very well

However, I am very early in my treatment and I imagine people go through stages/phases

I try to focus on the good, it's not easy when you're afrraid

I believe on not having negative people around, they are the ones to keep away from, I remember the ones that has a story to tell, after a while, I would say If it doesn't have a good ending, I do not want to hear.

My oncologist told me , we selfish and do what you want to do, and make plans, no matter what , a list of plans for the next week, month.

I can be negative, but in company of more negativity is not healthy. In my support group, we watched a lot of comedies, children's shows. Also the ladies that were having a harder time gave a lot of positive thoughts, because they were an example to follow.

You can be be what you want to be, it is your right!!!!!!!

I love this thread. The be positive, my friend had bc and she is all this, ect, ect. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I miss my life. I can't get it back because bc took it away. No I don't have a positive mood all the time. If bc was a person i would kick it's butt and turn around and kick it some more. I act like all is good to all that ask, but is it? No. I am trying to start over again with limited brain power and non-use of my LE arm. Yes, I am alive. Yes that's a positive. Yes I know I'm whining. But only here. I'll work on my attitude problem later. Well meaners stay clear today. I'm not in the mood for it.

You all have such fantastic things to say!  Nearly every post I've read on this thread has me nodding my head in agreement.  I know a lot of you are dealing with *many* difficult challenges in addition to having BC, and sometimes just one ignorant comment is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I was just dx'd with IDC this month, but I've been living with HIV/AIDS for many years ... when I found out I had AIDS, it was before the new drugs and it was definitely a death sentence.  Yet, I can't tell you how many people told me ... "Well, gee, anybody could die any time, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!"  After the umpteenth time of hearing this, I started to look for wayward buses. ;-)

I think it's very healthy and smart to occasionally be in denial (if you can), or be angry, or say what you feel, and also complain if you darn well feel like it!  I have, all these years with AIDS, and I plan to be that way with BC too.  

Sure you can overdo the negativity, but to quote Kathy Bates in "Dolores Claiborne":  "Sometimes being a b*tch is all a woman has." ;-)

LOL Ann, thanks!

I am currently on medical leave from work, which ends sept. 24. My chemo starts thursday, TC every three weeks for eighteen weeks. I found out today, that I don't qualify for anymore medical leave time, I wanted to return to work during chemo, but have the option of calling out when I was physically unable to work. I am a customer Service Manager at Walmart in Houlton Maine. My only option is a personal leave of abscence. I don't want to take four more months off. The company has an intermtent LOA, but since I have used up all my medical leave for this year, I can't use this option.And since I haven't work my full time hours this year, apparently I won't qualify for it next year either. Needless to say, I am finding it difficult to remain positive. I don't want to lose my job to this disease, but I feel like it is out of my hands. Did I mention I need the job to keep my insurance?  Sorry for the self-pity party, but today has not been a good day for me.

Barbara

I think people who say "be positive" are actually "releasing the pain of emotional burden".  It makes it OUR problem.  Perhaps what I need (ed) was a hot meal, lots of hugs, and money, not to "be positive".  It's a way to push away the problem and make it easy on people who don't really care.

No one knows what causes cancer.  Until they know definitively, it's really unkind to suggest how one might dodge the proverbial bullet.

I had a gorgeous friend who said this to me.  I replied that if being positive were the issue, I certainly wouldn't have gotten sick to begin with.  I donate hundreds of free hours of my time and expertise to my field, I shower friends with gifts.  Good friends understand.  He totally did, and never said anything like that again.  And he understood why I was angered by that comment.

I also learned the whole world doesn't need to know about my illness.  I wish I'd been more discrete.  Friends who haven't been in touch for a year or more are less likely to deal well with the news.  I learned that not telling is a form of empowerment, too, not just engaging about my cancer.

sarahsweety: the nurses shouldnt say such silly, ignorant things to you like that..people with a positive attitude dont do better according to a study i read, where 'attitude' was studied in a hospital setting...another study on the outcome of prayer showed no survival benefit either (though im sure its nice to be prayed about ) having hope, does, according to a study at peter mc callum clinic, have survival benefit...but as leah said...how do you actually define/ control attitude? So many people have given me the 'positive thinking/ forget about cancer speech, and yes, they havent had cancer lol.....i am starting to believe that meditation/relaxation may be of benefit ( with de stressing and hence lowering adrenalin/lactic acid levels etc)...but i think the 'positive thinking will kill off cancer' belief is a remnant of the 70's 'louise hay' type book revolution...i think i remember her saying that we have bc because we supressed our feelings and dont like our boobs/sexuality...or something like that lol