So everyone wants me to "get over it"...

Hi cs34, it's hard to 'get over' something like cancer....anycancer, not just breast cancer.  It sounds banal but, it takes time........to me the grief that goes with BC is the same as the grief of loosing a close family member..........time eases the hurt of the loss but you never stop missing them on some level.......you learn to move on and do things again but it really is a process, one day at a time.  Please don't feel bad if the process is taking longer than you thought or think it should, just go with the flow and all things will settle to a new rhythm including your heart.

Peace, strength, love n hugs.  Chrissyb

I am like you CS - I pushed it back and did what I had to do - it wasn't til I was done with tx that I realized I never allowed myself to deal with it.  I never mourned the loss of my breasts, I never allowed myself to think that I had to face my own mortality.  I actually talked with the physician asst at my BS a few weeks ago at my 6 mos check up and she said what I am feelign (you too) is normal.  She said a lot of woman experience this.  So like Chrissy said - it takes time.  Keep working through the emotions and it will find a way to bring peace to your heart too!

In the meantime, know you aren't alone.  I am feelig the same way.  Kindred spirits! 

Hugs!!!

CS - I always say that I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle but at the rate I am going I will be moving buildings in a single lift.......

Just remember we are all in this together.

I hear you and I completely understand. Most of my days are good and I have had terrific recon and good prognosis but every so often the BC sneaks it's way back into the forefront of my mind and I literally lose all motivation. I call it a type of depression. Sometimes it lasts 5 minutes and sometimes all day. I can go weeks and feel great and all of a sudden it hits. Sucks doesn't it. And, it's hard to explain to people who don't have cancer hanging over them. I was really great after 4 yrs of being cancer free. Pretty much forgot about it and just lived my life, after all I was stage 1, no lymph node involvement, and went the lumps and RADS route. Should be good to go right. NOT!!! Flash forward to 2010 and a recurrence as Paget's. Well, that really blows me right out of the water. So, BMX/DIEP, still working on recon, and putting my Bucket List on the fast track because I don't trust my own body anymore. I'm not letting anybody get in the way of my life and what I want to do with it anymore.

Naturegirl is so correct...we get it here and we share the feelings.

After doing this two times (sno bird, the same deal with me, only a new cancer, rather than pagets) I have come to believe that we go thru a type of post traumatatic stress disorder.  It is not possible for us "get over it".

We can, however, move past it with time and gentle acceptance of how we feel.  You  do need to feel these emotions that you put on hold to heal them and move on.  They are only feelings.  You are not crazy, or any other ridiculous label that well meaning folk who cannot deal and don't want to hear it may say.

It's a sad SE of cancer, that good friends and often some family members are casualties too.  By this I mean to say that they cannot deal with it and thus shut down to you.  Cherish the people that are there for you, know you will come out on the other side with perspective, and as for the changes, well, we are all older, if we are lucky.  Getting old is not for the sissies among us.  No one gets to 40 or 50 without it raining on them in some way.

I do not refer to myself as a "survivor" but I do refer to myself as a "veteran".  I fought in a war, I have scars, I like to talk about it with my buddies on here just like vets of wars need to talk about it with other vets.  I don't post my diagnosis, as I am not my diagnosis.  I am Annie, cancer is something I had, it is out of me, and I attempt to put it behind me. 

I'm not giving up my wonderful friends BC.org has given me, tho!!! 

love,

annie

Cs443, vent all you like because here is where you can vent and we all get it!  There is no judgement here only support.  All these emotions that you are discovering are all very normal and you are not the only one who has felt them, we all do in some form or other.  Fear is the biggest thing that hangs over our head, we are always in the back of our minds thinking every little twinge and pain is the return of the dreaded beast, BC.  Until we can say, and mean, what will be will be and mean it, we allow fear to dictate how we live and not the other way round. The jealousy is realy anger that this disease has taken from us possibly the things that made us feel like real women....our breast......and I don't think that feeling ever goes completely even after reconstruction.......but it will soften as we travel this road.  It  all comes back to time and sometimes, time seems to move very slowly.  Hang in there, it does get better.

Love n hugs,  Chrissy

CS34: 

After reading your second post, I wanted to suggest that you consider a counselor that focuses on cancer patients, grief, and loss.  I live in a small city of about 150,000 and was able to find mine through a recommendation.  I wanted to tell you a little about my story and why I'm going and how much it has helped me.

I didn't experience the problems you are having during the original diagnosis or for two years after.  I was pretty busy and lived my life a day at a time and with a lot of joy.  Then I was hospitalized for 8 days and nearly died.  It was around that time that I became stage 4.

I found that I cried a lot, was no longer able to live day to day, and my ability to experience joy had seriously diminished.  The psychologist made it his mission to get me back to living day to day - which is really all any human being has.

As others have said, there are many stages to this disease "what did I do to cause this", "why me" anger, etc.  We all need to move through them in our own time and way.  If you have trouble with that like I did after the hospitalization, counseling can help you identify where you are blocked and move you through these stages.

Good luck and I hope this helps. 

cs34

My first thought when reading the title of your thread was - "Who is everyone?"  And then the next thought was " You will get over it when you are ready to get over it". 

Then I read your post.  Drains for 8 weeks?  Necrosis?  How about 4-5 months of manually draining 400-700cc's of lymph fluid every week and sometimes twice a week and finally having so much of the skin die and become paper thin that on my way to work, it burst all over me forcing me to stop and buy new clothes (everything but the shoes) in order to go to work.  And of course, another package of sanitary napkins that I had to wear in my bra from almost day 1 after surgery due to the leakage.  This event prevented any possibility of reconstruction for many years as there was no longer enough 'live good tissue' to work with.  Honestly, I believe I was destined to develop lymphadema and having this happen prevented it - could very well be the same for you - an up side to look at. 

I tell this tale only to help you find that with every horrid event, there is an up side someplace.  Not that my situation was any less or more traumatic than yours - we all react differently and sometimes things are not as easy to get past - for one who's surgery went without a hitch, will likely get past it more quickly.  For us whose went very wrong and cost us more time and trama - it is going to take longer - give yourself the time - there is no set 'time limit' on how one 'recovers' from this beastly thing. 

I found riding my bicycle to help me.  Doing something physical and while doing so, letting my mind address the things I pushed aside.  Then take a look in the mirror afterward and see the warm flush of a freshly worked out face, the healthy glow of slightly flushed cheeks and mussed hair and the little sweatlets at my temples and how bright my eyes looked and would say to myself - ok, not bad, tomorrow will be better.  And slowly at first and then what seemed like seconds - there I was, living, alive and really enjoying it!  I started having my nails done again and put some kicky highlights in my hair and played with lipsticks.  I liked myself again and that stigma of having to wear external prothetics was no big deal anymore - in fact, it was kinda fun to stick a pasty on and flash in Sturgis by just whipping it out (never lifted my shirt). 

I tired quickly of the waiting for the other shoe to drop - fear was not going to keep me held hostage - what was going to be was going to be and I wasn't going to waste another minute letting this beast have control of my life.  It took enough from me, it wasn't getting any more. 

Go at your pace, in your time - I will never forget a minute of it but I let myself have the thought and then dismiss it.

I wish you the best...LowRider

• I haven't been posting for a long time but happened on this excellent thread.  For me, it was really important to get back into my career (both for money and a sense of control over my own destiny)  in order to get the job, I had to remain silent as to cancer. I did two other interviews, got near to a job offer then told the truth - and guess what, got the ooh you're a leper look.  So, I am back at investment banking and long hours.  But choice is now back in MY hands, and it is me who can decide when I choose to do something different.  It has not been easy and I have quite a lot of trouble with leg pains, and find it hard to lose weight.  But -  I have found that some friends who weren't a lot of help during the main part of the rollercoaster are actually pretty good now and seem to take on board the residual physical difficulties.     I am moving on and very nearly forgot to go for my mammo a couple of weeks back, which was on the anniversary of my diagnosis.  Overall, life is good but there is no escaping it, the residual pains following treatment are a real burden.  I long to be able just to run through a field without my feet and legs feeling like lead.  but maybe one day I will be able to.  Right now I doubt it - I woud be interested to hearn from anyone who has improved in this regard.      Warmest hugs to all and thanks for the inspiration - xxx

cs43 - I just wanted to comment that these boards have been a life-saver. I didn't find this site until the week after my surgery (May 27, BMX with one-step reconstruction, saline implants / Alloderm sling). So from diagnosis (April 4) until my surgery date, I was e-mailing friends/family with "health updates". Well, since I am such an emotional person and a breast cancer diagnosis is such an emotional  thing , I sent out e-mails that now I'm embarrassed to think about. I didn't just stick with the facts about my diagnosis or my surgery choice or whatever. I let people "into my head" too much. People who wouldn't / couldn't understand, not like the ladies on these boards. One of my husband's friends asked to be removed from the e-mail list, his comment apparently was along the lines of: "i just don't understand what she's complaining about." Now, I'm sure there was more to the comment than that, but to hear that one line really hurt my feelings and I burst into tears and told my husband, "don't you see? That's what I think I was trying to convey to everyone -- how hard this is emotionally -- and this just proves that some people are just NOT GOING TO GET IT." And that's when I deleted all but very close family/friends from my e-mail list (in regards to updating them on my recovery from surgery) and found these boards. Various threads have been like therapy to me and most of the ladies understand where I'm coming from...what a relief !!

Panama Jayne:  venting helps, doesn't it? And this is just the place to do it. There's a depression thread you might want to check out, too...I find a lot of support there...Sending you hugs !!

cs34, do you have any in-person support groups you can go to? I've been going to a guided imagery class (technically not a support group). My hubby, family and friends are great, but there are times when I really want to be around my tribe. There's no other way to describe it.  I had an easier Dx than you, but right now (a month out from rads) I'm still really weird about food and other environmental issues, and it's nice to be around others who can relate and be non judgemental. FWIW, one woman in that group is a 15 yr BC survivor who goes to the class every week. She says her family (hubby, adult kids) sometimes suggest that she get over it, but she says coming to our group helps her. Good luck!