Do husbands and wives change after BC.

I think cancer changes all of us in many ways, some good, some bad.  

I started to write reasons why your DH doesn't want to travel, but deleted because I don't know either of you and it's hard to guess what could be causing him to feel this way. I know you want to travel with your DH, but if he won't go, find a friend or relative and go with them.   Don't let his refusal to travel stop you from your dreams.  Maybe it would be good for you to take a trip with friends or family, get away, laugh, be silly and have fun.  Down the road DH may or may not change his mind, but don't let that stop you.

Good luck and I hope that you take a fun filled trip soon.

Jenn

Hi Dianne.....

I think this is much more midlife stuff going on.  Anyway, your husband is getting the stimulation and "away time" he needs.  You are not getting this.

The solution is simple.  Just figure it out, and carve out the time you need.  And arrange for him to provide backup if needed.  I grew up on a dairy farm, and my parents never took vacations either when I was growing up.  I know the drill.  You have to make sure that your animals are cared for, but otherwise, you also need to get out of there occasionally.

And some evenings with your husband.

I know when I hit my 50s, I realized that if I didn't do things now, I wasn't going to do them.  My ex husband wanted to participate, except in things like loading the car etc.  I finally couldn't take it any more.  We had grown too far apart for it to work ever again.

Don't let things get to that point.  So time for you solo, and time for both of you together.  It is that important.

Good luck, and go do something fun. - Claire

I had a smile of recognition on my face when I read your OP, Dianne.  Sounds familiar.

Recently I heard myself say, "Why didn't someone tell me when I was a nineteen-year-old bride-to-be to be sure and check with the groom and find out what he wants to do in his retirement."

There's a problem with that kind of hindsight, though.  And that's the fact that after forty-four years of marriage we have each changed into different people from those starry-eyed young hopefuls.  Several times over!

Over the years I can see a pattern.  Sometimes we were two docile oxen dutifully pulling in our traces in synchronicity with each other.  And other times we were restless and frisky horses each pulling in the direction we wanted.  Perhaps needed.

I suppose one could say that its those times of independence and personal growth that have kept the marriage challenging and exciting. 

I'm retired and so very ready to travel and my husband won't retire until December.  He built the garage of his dreams a few years ago and has recently commented on how he's looking forward to playing in his man cave when he's free of the daily obligations.

When I want to make a weighty decision regarding my bucket list I imagine myself in hospice and ask myself, "What will I truly regret at that time if I don't do it for myself."  So the solution for this current issue in our lives has been for us to travel together when his clock tells him it's time for a vacation and the rest of the time I just go ahead and travel alone, with a friend or with one of our children.

When I received my diagnosis I was just in the process of finding an apartment on the beach in Mexico for a winter month or two.  Until recently I haven't felt well enough to pursue that further but it's looking like I may be ready soon to finish making my plans.  And I'm going to go ahead and do it.  He says he will come to "visit."   Works for me.

I suspect that after a while the fiddling in the garage will become less compelling to him and he'll be ready to do some traveling together.  If not, I am not wasting precious time waiting which is something I believe that I would sorely regret.

Did my diagnosis change us?  Maybe it's too soon to tell yet.  At first I felt very much alone.  Later it seems that we are closer than we have been in the last decade.  Who knows what the future holds?

I hope my post gives you some encouragement to transform this current doldrums in your marriage.  Sometimes you just have to go ahead and fulfill yourself when the old f**ts aren't up to it.  Heh.  And my experience has been that when I make changes poor DH is sorta kick-started to have to make a few of his own.

(Incidently, I envy you your grandchildren.  Had I been blessed with some I suspect I'd be staying closer to home!)

I know I've changed.  I just don't have the energy to attend to his needs... and he doesn't complain.  I don't anticipate that he wants something passed to him at the dinner table, or want to engage in discussion.  I'm tired.  He is attentive but misses the old me.. particularly the work I was able to do.  I barely get the housework done.. but hay, you could always seek professional marriage counselor help.

i am fortunate that my husband puts are marriage first but I sure can tell he is challenged by his grumpiness.  I too, want things for myself in my final years... I want to take my kids on trips.  I want to use the money I got from my parents.. he has pretty much used the money for our needs.. but once again.. hay.

maybe it's time for a heart to heart discussion (but for me, we never had them.... we just got married and started working)

best of luck to you. 

my husband kisses me on the lips with reverence while I am sleeping.. a lot. and he is clingy.. I really am doing fine at the moment..  I definitely need my space, but I keep that need to myself for the most part.. just enjoying my alone moments when I have them.

Wenweb, I'm very sorry to hear that. You have been married a long time! I hope you all can work it out. This stupid disease changes everyone. It does so much damage to everything it touches!

Foxy

That is so true Wendy! I do live for every minute. I usually get up around 5 or so... Can't afford to miss a day. Making the most of them. Great test results today. A little breather. Now that we are empty nesters, we had a small celebration.

Foxy