Crabby, don't cross my path!

I feel like that should be tattooed across my forehead (or maybe that is what I can turn those nice radiation dot tattoos into). I was diagnosed on April 19, 2010, stage 3, at 33 years old. Two little kids, now 2 and 5, and a husband with his own start up business (I.e. Works 15 hour days). I went through bilateral mastectomy, ovary removal, 27 chemo treatments, 33 radiation treatments, tissue expander fills, and lots of other appointments since then. My mom basically moved in with us to take care of me and the kids, as my husband couldnt stop working it was a very trying time and i felt so sick that i didnt really process it until it was all over. I did about 6 weeks of counseling until the therapist left, and decided not to continue with a new therapist. I was really doing ok. I felt like I was getting my life back. My energy was improving, my hair is growing back and my scans showed no evidence of cancer and I have been moved to three month checkups. (yeah) I felt like I was getting my life back And moving on. Then, last week I was registering my kids for catholic school and using the tuition payment website, a company the school uses to process the payments gave me the option to buy tuition insurance for $15. Went on to state that if you or your spouse die, the rest of the years tuition is forgiven. I thought great, sign me up, then it states this is not applicable for cancer or cancer treatment related deaths. Lovely. It was like getting smacked in the face and hearing my daignosis all over again and I am not sure why. It never mentioned heart conditions, diabetes, suicide, car accidents, or anything else, just cancer. I imagined a group of people sitting around a table, weighing everything and the likelihood of occurrence and the only thing they aren't willing to gamble on is cancer. Ugh. Since then, it seems I am in a bad mood, crabby with my kids, arguing with my husband, annoyed with the world. I dont think it helped that i went to the plastic surgeon to discuss the surgery to swap out the expands with the implants and learned that it is much more complicated than I thought, with a night in the hospital, two smaller follow up procedures and a month of no lifting. Don't have the help from my mom so much anymore, husband still works all the time and I feel like I have tapped out my friends and family over the last year. Probably also doesnt help that we had to recently inform one side of my family that there is a genetic component to my cancer and now, literally, 25 people having to figure out if they won the genetic lottery. Which, I know It is not my fault, but I still feel responsible.

Does this happen to anyone else? Do you go through these ups and downs? Does it get better? Do you ever feel normal again? I feel like I was doing ok, and this one thing has sent me into a tailspin. Maybe it's the tamoxafin, maybe it's the lack of hormones, the hot flashes, menopause I was thrown into, or something else. I am thinking I maybe need to start therapy again, but really don't have the

time or energy to go through it again. It involves scheduling appointments, arranging care for the

kids, arguing with the insurance company, starting over with someone new, etc. I told my husband the other day that this is why breast cancer is not typical in your 30's, you are too busy taking care of others to focus on yourself.

Ugh, if anything thanks for listening/reading!