Nothing will be the same again.  Your head is in a different place now.  You see things from a different angle.  Don't expect others to have their heads in the same place.  They are still functioning on the basis that 'bad things' won't happen to them.  And that is okay.  I often wish to go back to that place.

I also found it difficult to find the balance in my new way of being.  Do you make long term plans?  Do you try to pretend that nothing has changed?  I don't think it is a black and white area.  Just do the best you can given the situation right now.  Don't just assume you will become stage IV and try to get some semblance of order back into your life.  I know, easier said than done! 

Hi Jennifer,

I know exactly how you're feeling.  This is my second round with BC.  First I was a little Stage I, Oncotype score of 9 and treated with Lumpectomy, rads and Tamox.  I had four good years and now I'm back in cancerland with Stage III. I had Blmx, chemo and now Armidex.  I am just waiting for Stage IV to arrive.  I went back to work 4 weeks after surgery and it has helped me have a more normal life but nothing will every be the same again.  I'm just looking for the new me and hope I have some time at stage 3 before I move on.  My hair is about an inch long now so I'm still wearing wigs.  My scars are all very red still and my reconstruction feels like rocks on my chest.  I can say that I'm a little better with each passing week but cancer never leaves my thoughts for more than a few minutes each day.  I think we need to stay positive even though it is hard.  I find the only friends who understand are on this website.  Half of my friends and family think I'm cured and the other half are just waiting until I die.  It is really weird.  I hope time makes your journey easier and alway remember that we are all in this together.

Take care,

Nancy

I know exactly how you feel.  I have only been out of work for about a month.  I'm still doing chemo, have surgery scheduled for Aug. 17 and then radiation.  I am unsure about going back and I only have a 13 y.o. daughter (and two older sons), so I would be even more unsure if I had younger children.  And I'm an accountant.  I would really like to do something more worthwhile with my time.  Help someone.

Thanks for posting.  You really got me thinking too.  Good luck with your decision.  I'm sure you'll make the right one for you.

hey jenny, just sending gentle encouragement and HOPE. you are still here, your mom is there for you and your children, and we're here for you. it is hard to live admist the "what ifs", but i'm not sure there is any other choice.

i know what you mean about the pre-BC thoughts. i still have difficulty looking at pre-bc photos of myself, because all i can think is...well, you know.

i think cancer leaves us with PTSD. i keep thinking i'd like to write a book or article on it.

anyway, good luck to you with the return to work. you can do it. be gentle on yourself.

xo

j

Hi Jenny,

I'm typing this from work.  When I saw your message, I could relate to everything you said.  I was getting to the peak of my career when I was hit with a stage 3 diagnosis in 2009.  I spent 2009 and 2010 in treatment (actually I'm still in treatment on Tamoxifen and finishing a vaccine trial) and in a big depressive funk.  I have 3 kids to take care of and a husband that I love dearly, but ultimately decided that I (my family) would be happier if I returned to work.  I went on leave/disability for treatment in Feb 2009 and tried to return to work at the same job in Jan 2010.

When I returned, I realized that my career there would never be the same.  I never even got my old job back - I was given a contractor position where I was paid by the hour and no benefits whatsoever (I too lost the $1M life insurance that I had through work).  The people I used to work with either never spoke to me again, or the ones that did and assigned me work, only gave me low level assignments that made me very unhappy with the whole situation.  Going back to my old job only made me more depressed and angry at everything. I tried for a while, but when one partner told me that he had to rebuild trust in me again since I was out for so long, I decided that was it, put myself in the job market, interviewed with my wig on (didn't disclose my BC history at the interviews) and was offered the position I currently have. 

Going to a new job has been one of the best things to help me with my mental and emotional state.  It has given me a new sense of purpose and allowed me to interact with people in a normal way and be valued at work solely for my work product.  I recently went through a performance review and I was given the highest rating, which was a huge boost to my confidence, self-esteem and overall well being.  I expect to eventually disclose my BC history to my colleagues and will do so when I'm further out from diagnosis.  Like Steph, I strongly believe in living life the best way we know how and enjoying every minute of it. Of course I have doubts at times - for example, maybe I should quit working and just exercise and be with my kids all day - but the reality is that there's a huge benefit to having more financial security and a sense of self at work.  

I encourage you to go out there with your wig and rock boobs on and find a position that would make you happy.  It'll do wonders for your mental and emotional state like it did to mine. Think about it - at least when you're at work and focused on your tasks at hand, you won't be thinking about BC and letting it control your life.  I let that happen when I was on leave and even at my old job, and it took a change for me to get past my depressive funk.

One other positive aspect of me going back to work is that my kids feel that things are as normal as they could be.  They also know (at the ripe ages of 9, 6, and 4) that life is not fair and understand that adversities can happen to anyone.  I think this will help them in their future lives and they'll be able to face anything with courage.  The best thing we can do for our kids is to give them wings to fly on their on.  Eventually we'll all die, but while we're here and no one has told us "the time has come", we have to go on with our lives and show our kids all our strength, courage, love, and teach them our values and legacy for them to go on as the amazing human beings that they are.

Go for it, and let us know how it all works out!

Love,

Marcia

Ladies I can so relate to what you have all said here and I am happy I am not the only one!!  I am currently trying to go back to work even though i havent even started my rads yet.  I just cant stand being home all day long...........it leaves to much time for my mind to wonder to those dark places about becoming stage IV and death!  I think work will make me feel more normal again.

Steph your post was great and sometimes we all need a reality slap to help us wake up and live out lives to the fullest. 

Lately I have founf that I can't even look at older people (I mean post 60's as I am only 29) without becoming sad and thinking that I might never get to experience all that comes with getting old!  I want to be an OLD lady one day   I am going to think positive and keep telling myself that I will become an old lady!! 

Everyone has said something so valuable, wise and personal on how one might make sense of this and how even to get through it. Thank you.

I was diagnosed at stage III out of the starting gate. I spent 3 years on HRT, getting mammograms and ultrasounds of my breasts every six months by breast doctors and specialists to ensure the HRT was not putting me at breast cancer risk. Unfortunately they were looking for IDC and apparently didn't know how to detect or accurately test for ILC. I fell through the cracks.

Since day one of my diagnosis though I have reminded myself daily of two brilliant books, or more importantly "teachings on life", that were recommended to me years ago by a Doctor who treated me for another life threatening disease. He was a great healer but who had also been a student of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross - she pioneered the mental processes that everyone goes through when given a chance to actually face death and dying.  The Doctor who recommended these books/teachings/works of wisdom to me 10 years ago lost his battle of 16 years to melanoma and cancer but all along the way he spent his time helping others, like me, on how to put death and dying into a perspective that might make it a bit easier to make living easier and more fulfilling whatever our time may be. (I'm sure he practiced these teachings right up to his own death).

If you haven't read these, perhaps you might take the time and they might be of some comfort to you.

The first is by Dr. Victor Frankel titled "Man's Search for Meaning". It's message is we can survive anything (in Dr. Frankels' case - Auschwitz/Nazi Germany) if we have "Purpose" and "Meaning" in life that carries us through each day. For me it's surviving and fighting for my only child and son. I get up each day and do whatever I do because being here for him gives me meaning and purpose. I'm fighting for him and not just myself.  For Dr. Frankel he and others survived the camps, whereas others just gave up and didn't, by just having some sort of "Meaning and Purpose" in life no matter how small.  No matter what it is you do with your days I do believe that if it has true meaning and purpose to you, it is the basis of survival and truly living fully no matter what your circumstance.

The other teaching is by Steven Levine, "A Year to Live".  Levine teaches how to live each moment, each hour, and each day mindfully as if it were our last. He teaches this so that we can see how the immediacy and fragility of our situation radically changes our view of the world and forces us to examine our priorities.

I'm here with you all now looking for this same wisdom.

I search for wisdom about how I want to live my day, this year, or even the next 5 years as though they are my last, even if they prove not to be.

I don't have my priorities all worked out yet but I'm working on them as I sense you are too. Ask your heart what is your true sense of meaning and purpose in this life, and I trust it will help you set your priorities.

We are not the same after this diagnosis. We have changed.

I'm hoping it might be a blessing for me that makes me a better person, someone who acts with more purpose and meaning.  It's my spiritual and personal growth journey and this disease/stage III is allowing me to take the break from work world to really try figure it out.

It's a journey we're all on. I wish you all the best in it and hope it brings you peace and happiness.

Hugs,

Kat 

Jenny and sister's,

I have to chime in too. I too look at the older folks and get jealous as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How crazy, who would ever think we would do that!!!  It's just that damn fear that we won't

be old someday, and knowing that I am not a total nut case,  cuz I thought it was just me feeling that way

somehow make's me it least know,  I'm not crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny, you don't have to explain anything to anybody !  I learned that after treatment I was asked all the time, wow,  your hair is so short,  why did you cut it?  Really? once it grows a little, gel

it up! Maybe throw a little color in it,  depending on how you feel about that.  At 41 I had to cover the greys.  You know short hair is very in and pretty chic right now!!!!  You just tell everyone it's your

summer cut!!!!!!!!!! thats what i would say, that would always

stump them, what can you say about a cute short summer cut!!!  Once it got longer , enough to really get the gel in,  I started having fun with it. You will find each phase  gets easier. You know I have my little ones 10 and 6,  I do think it's important for us to keep things as normal as possible, however, you have also taught your girls how strong you are!!  That is a gift you have givin them. They are going to be strong, and have compassion for other's. My kids were 4 and 8 when I was dx,  it has changed them, but in good ways!  For example, at dinner my 6 year old still prayes for all the moms with cancer, that they will be well, every time at dinner!!!  My daughter just did a bake sale at school, she asked if she could donate the 4th grade's money to a bc foundation!! They are doing really well,  I was so worried too.  Remmember you have been through a war, one you did not start.  It will take time to figure it all out. I think going back to work, as long as it is not to much for you, will help keep your mind busy, and the girls might feel like things are more normal too. You are allowed to get into funks!!  You just are not allowed to stay there!!!  I have my funks down to about every 2 weeks now.

they used to be several times a day. then 1 a day, once a week and so on. it's so normal and natural to feel what you are feeling. BC does not define us, yes,  it is a part of who we are now and that is alot to wrap our heads around.  Lets just add in the regular stresses of life and it's alot!! ! I have a friend , she was dx with advanced stage 3 bc, 10 years ago,  back then, really scary,  we have come so far with medicine now. This friend is doing so great and has been such an insperation to me,  her cancer never came back!!  She went back to work as a school teacher right after her treatment was finished.  My daughter had her for her kindrgarden teacher,  I at the time did not know her well,  I remmember thinking how happy and strong she was!  One day after I was dx ,I asked her, how do you do it?  Keep the smile, go to work, basically I was asking, How do you go on with life?  She said, kind of firmly,  I just get up everyday, and I live!! and before you know it 10 years goes by!  She said, I know the Dr.'s won't tell me I'm cured. I know that I am, and thats all that matters. I just saw her the other day at church, I looked at her, she looked great by the way, and is living life to the fullest, and still teaching, traveling ect...But I said to her, patty, You never mention that the really hard part of this journey begins after treatment!!!  Patty looked at me and said,  Well if I would have told you that,  you never would have gotten through treatment!  It's so true, know that I look back,  treatment is almost easy compared to what  we deal with psycologically.  When the journey of re-living our life starts. Think of my friend, 10 years ago, she had 11 pos nodes huge tumor, and she is doing great! ! Life does and will go on!!  Jenny sweeti,  you are not just going to survive, you are going to thrive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets all go out and buy rocking chairs, were gonna need them!!!!

God bless you my sister!

Love, Steph

Although I read your topic shortly after you posted I choose not to respond because I felt it was more appropriate for the mom out there with littler ones to speak up first.  But now that they have (and quite good posts at that!) I feel comfortable adding my own. 

After I was on chemo for a while I had to go out on disability.  Although it's a desk job, it's a thinking job supporting many computer systems in a refinery.  Since I couldn't think it didn't make sense to be there.  And my emotions were out on my sleeve. 

Home was wonderful.  My DH is retired so he was here everyday taking care of me.  On good days we got out.  Bad days I'd just be a cocoon.  But the whole time I was so worried about going back to work.  I'd love my job, the days would fly by.  But would I ever love it again?  Could I ever think well enough to do it again?  Did I even want to go back since being home with DH was wonderful and I didn't know how much of a future I have?

I finally remembered the advice I gave my kids when they graduated high school.  Both of them opted to take time off before they started college.  Both of them weren't sure if they wanted to go to college since they were so new to life and didn't quite know what was out there.  The oldest, my son, did his menial job for a year and immediately enrolled.  It was a no-brainer for him because he felt he knew his path.  But it was so much harder for my DD.  After a year of mimum pay, sharing a place, nothing to show for it except hanging on from month to month she came back to me to talk about it.  She wanted to go back to school but she didn't know what she wanted to do. All she had learned is what she didn't want to do. 

I told her that she hadn't wasted the last year -- she found out some very important things.  Most importantly, she found out what she doesn't want to do!  That narrows the playing field and gets you closer to finding what will be your passion in life.  And sometimes the only way to find out is to just get out there and DO.  Each step doesn't have to be the "right" one.  It just that we need to learn from each step if this is the direction we want to go or do we need to take a different path.

So that's where I am.  Taking my own advice.  I've been back at work and, honestly, haven't figured out if it's the right path for me yet.  Matter of fact I'm off this week because the SEs from the meds are too much for me to deal with at work. 

Take a step!  And change direction if it's the wrong path!