The "Be Positive" myth

I'm glad to find this forum.  I feel like I have no one to talk to when I get angry about the last year and a half and my foreseeable future...whatever that turns out to be.  One day I was a happy 39-year-old mother of two young boys and then WHAM — stage III breast cancer.  For a while I couldn't even look at photos of myself before the diagnosis because of the overwhelming sadness of the life I used to have.  Fast forward to a year and a half after diagnosis and I am still angry sometimes about having spent so much time, energy and money dealing with BC krap.  And it doesn't end.  Now I'm faced with the decision of forcing my body into premature menopause and all the fears that comes with -- osteoporosis, hot flashes, no sex drive, etc.  I talked to my mom the day my oncologist and I discussed the ovaries.  I was sad, I was raw, I was pissed, I hate BC so much and expressed some of those feelings to my mom.  Her words of wisdom? "Well, sweetie...at least you're alive"  and then the usual "I really think you should pray about it."  No one wants to hear me talk about what it's like dealing with the daily fear of if I will live long enough to see my boys who aren't even out of gradeschool yet graduate from high school or get married.  I feel like such a whiner when I don't say the usual "Yes, I'm feeling good. Good energy...so far so good!"

I am so glad I found this thread. I love Bonnygg's comments from Dec. 09

 I am optimistic about how things will turn out, but I don't have to be positive about how I feel each day, going through this road with its many dips and twists...it is tough and it is overwhelming. The very people who tell me to "Just be positive" are the same people who worry about their investments and their kids' grades and the crummy service at the local restaurant. Pardon me if I am worried about a deadly pervasive disease.

 I am so lucky to have a fabulous husband and 3 great kids. We share the jokes, the laughs and the tears. We get this.

 And to those who insist that I have to be positive...  pardon me while I screen your calls, avoid running into you and delete your oh-so cheery emails. I have no use for someone who doesn't get that fear and anxiety is just as much a part of this experience as any smile and sunny disposition. These people need me to be positive so they can feel comfortable.

I haven't vented to these folks yet, but I am still early in this path, there's still time for me to find the guts to say something really clever....

Cry, laugh, cry and carry on.

thanks for the vent.

This is such an excellent thread...I agree with so much of the sentiment, and feel like I want to live authentically.  I certainly temper some of my thoughts and feelings for friends and loved ones that are not good with other's feelings.  But I have always been the one to "tell it like it is..." and to not sugar coat the truth. It's interesting to me when people jump in and try and change/argue you out of your beliefs.  It's their own discomfort...

so if it's crappy...it's crappy, and hopefully it will end soon. If you are having a great moment, enjoy it

after all, we are all human, we don't have to put on an act for anyone...and my best friends are the ones I can be myself fully around. 

and if all else fails, I watch Golden Girls over and over and over....

Can't believe I missed this thread  (or the link to Barbara Ehrenreich/Jon Stewart -- excellent, I bookmarked it), but yeah, I like the "my glass is broken and running all over the floor" thing, and consider Barbara 100% SPOT ON when she uses the word "delusion" and says she doesn't EVER think it's OK to be deluded.

There are numerous women I like on here (mostly in my chemo group: April 2009, but some in the Stage IV area too) and numerous good-conversation threads, but every so often I find I have to totally leave BCO for a spell. I simply just CANNOT STAND the "pink culture" and associated attitudes and beliefs held and promoted by the majority: "We are brave warriors,"  "BE positive and you'll FEEL positive" ; "Pray and it'll go away" and why we have to call sisters who die "angels" and saying they "lost a battle"  -- how about some TRUTH, such as "So-and-so has died, I miss her so bad I can't stop crying and I'm so sorry for her family and friends" and so on and so forth.  All of these and similar attitudes, sentiments and beliefs make me feel just as violently angry, disgusted that the society I live in has way more deluded idiots than intelligent human beings, and depressed just as bad as the cancer and treatment have been. And anybody who says I have a "bad attitude" can f*** off.

Lena ------I have seen you on several threads and all you do is complain about others beliefs and feelings. Then you go on to describe your own beliefs and feelings, after you have negated all others beliefs/feelings. If you are that self absorbed that you can't have any sympathy let alone empathy for others, why bother to post on those threads and then blow out of the thread saying you can't tolerate such and such? Just don't post and move on.

oh, just saw this in active topics...i have just this to say: it has been shown (i read in the paper just weeks before i was diagnosed last yr, and hence cant name the source)..that  a large study showed a positive attitude has no bearing on survival time, nor recovery...which is a relief, as im not very positive about this...:)

on the other hand, i was told by a health professional who was at a recent bc seminar, than an as yet unpublished large study has shown survival benefit with 'hope' not to be confued with 'optimism', or 'positive thinking'....so i hope.

HI! May I invade also.... I just found this site today and I can't help but want to share a little bit of my life experience. I'm not sure which forum I should be in so I hope this one is ok... I'm 64 and I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in '06. I went thru very aggressive chemo and radiation therapy and am still on the hormonal therapy, the Femara daily and Aridia every 6 mos. now. I chose Sept 18,2006 as my "cured" date because that was the date of my surgery, the masectomy (they also had to take 30 nodes and 29 were cancer) so  I like to say I've been in remission for almost 5 years now. With all that said I have to say deep down inside I am  still angry, sad, thankful, confused, and still scared to death! I try to be positive but all the fears and doubts keep flooding in all the time, it never really goes away even after all this many years.  I've never been able to really open up and talk about what goes on inside me, either the people just don't want to hear about it or they jump on me for not sounding grateful or I just don't feel like I can open up to some. This is the first time I have felt like maybe I can say what I really feel and not get put down for it so much and for that I am very thankful!   Don't get me wrong, I thank God everyday that I am still alive and can think and move and breathe!  But the cancer treatments and surgery left me with alot of pain and problems I have had to endure these last 5 yrs. I have to take alot of pain meds and can't get around like I would love to and I am on oxygen. I have been living alone for about 10 yrs and that made it even harder for me to endure all the treatments and stuff I had to go thru. I grew up much like alot of you talk about, with a monster for a father and a mother who was just trying to survive and keep us 4 kids fed and clothed. I truly think that it has had a big impact on my ability  to stay positive all the time about what I go thru every single day . As I get older  the physical problems get worse of course, age does that lol,  but now I am at the stage of knowing that with stage 3 that at any moment that "C" monster can rear it's ugly head and I know that according to my dr that I'm on borrowed time and I am scared to death all the time, every waking moment and I just don't know how to make that fear go away! I try so hard to fight against it but it just keeps coming back! I wish I knew the magic answer to make myself be more positive but in 5 yrs I still have not found it. I really appreciate all you ladies allowing me to share a tiny bit of my life with you , I don't get that opportunity often at all! May you all be richly blessed! Bonnie 

Thank you bkj66!!  I don't get visitors often at all and most of the time I twittle my day away trying to keep things off my mind with playing games on fb or iWin or something like that and for me this is a God send! I'm with you , if I didn't cry some I think my heart would burst if feels like! I don't know, maybe by being able to share here I can one day feel more positive, who knows! I do believe everything has a purpose..... maybe it was meant for me to find this site so I can finally open up and share a little .... who knows!!

Bonnie~

I am only a year and a half out from treatment but I so totally relate to how you feel...

My family asks me why I still come to this site but I feel that I need a place that really understands me.

i was so glad to turn on and see this post today.  I have finally gotten mad inside by this topic.  I was telling a friend how I was worried about how red my skin was getting from radiation.  She gave me a stay positive pep talk.  As I was driving 2 hours to radiation the next day, it suddenly hit me how negative and isolating that comment was.  It made me feel guilty for being worried.  It's not like I haven't had a continuously fighting attitude and a smile most of the time I am around people.  Do I not have the right to ever worry.  It makes me feel that I must continuously hide my real feelings and put on some upbeat front.  I am tired of filtering my feelings!  I feel like just staying away from most people so I don't have to.  I finally talked to my RO about my feelings a little (usually act upbeat with them too).  Surprisingly, her and her nurse told me my feelings were perfectly understandable and normal and they were happy to listen.  That was nice.  They encouraged a support group which I know is what I would like.  I just know that I need to find more people that are like me to talk with.  Thanks for listening!

I can offer this, if it's helpful at all.  I learned that most folks telling me to "be positive" were actually folks that if I'd been given a chance probably I would have thought carefully about telling I was sick (it's okay to keep it private).  It is a huge amount of energy to disclose and discuss BC, and honestly, a lot of people just aren't up to it.  "Be positive" is often a way for folks to put the kibbash on what might make them uncomfortable. 

A good friend, among the legions of weak well wishers, told me to be positive.  I told him with no ill will at all, just the facts:  if it'd been about being positive, I would never have gotten sick to begin with.  I'm totally optimistic, and generous to a fault.

Because he is a good friend, he totally understood, and told me I was right.  He then went on to be one of my main supporters, because he went the extra mile to get it.  

Frankly, I'm not sure what someone expects "be positive" is going to do.  If you aren't already, a throwaway phrase like that isn't going to make the difference.  

Interesting, the only person who has told me to try & stay positive if my PCP. She means well but it really wasn't helpful. Agree with the thought that others may tell you this because they may not know what to say. I have known it to be used in years past for other illnesses besides cancer. It has become trite. I'll smile if you want to take my picture or if you say something funny. I don't consider myself negative or positive. I'm just focused & plowing through treatment, sometimes it really sucks....