Help/Suggestions

Hey there, firstly, don`t wish someone with cancer a `swift recovery`. Breast cancer is not cureable. Secondly, we don`t often get healthy days, either. Thirdly, search the section `Family & Friends` and you will find other threads discussing what you are asking, it will speed up the process for you.

Some may think my post is harsh, but it is meant to change your thinking a little bit.

I had two things that meant & touched me more than anything else I got.  My family sent me a goody box full of "positve momento's", in the box was a journal for me to write in but they had already taken turns in it writing to me about how much they loved me and how they were going to be with me during this time.  I also was sent a throw/quilt that was made just for me by my other side of the my family.  Every time a knot was tied in making the quilt a prayer was said just for me.  Food is a hard one due to how she might feel during tx.  I found a book "There's no place like hope", and bought it for myself right after dx. its a great book and I've read it several times.  Your friend will just love that you thought of her during this time, I hope this helps.

So great to take the time to do this for your friend... That's awesome.

No bc is not "curable" but the odds are in her favor that she will never see the disease again. I call that a cure lol but others will argue with me. My mom is 22 years out..To me she was cured or whatever-Not important what's important is that there is a strong possiblity that she will be ok!

Also, not everyone gets sick. I didn't...

One thing that helped me was my friend asked me "What can I do to help you feel better?"

I wanted survivor stories. She went out and got them for me. Let her kind of guide you on what she needs.

I will say that the whole be strong-positive attitude crap drove me nuts but that's me:)

Also, meals...When you now have to add chemo and tons of doc appts to the schedule meals are so aweseome!

a couple of thoughts....

1.  I would never ask anyone to do something for me....but I was so glad I said yes to the dinners sent to my home....I worked all thru treatment and there were some nights I just didn't have the energy and it was such a blessing not to cook.

2.  My family put together a chemo bag.....I had nine chemo sessions.  In the bag there were 9 little gifts that I could open each time I had chemo....they weren't expensive but fun....also in the bag was a book to read....headset and music....a scarf.  The bag itself was awesome.

I now do this for anyone that I meet....it was great.

3. My brother took my husband away for a "boys trip"....they shot off for a long weekend....I was so glad because my husband went to every appt....bla bla bla.....and I was glad he was able to get a break from all of it.

4. Prayers......I was so grateful for people having a mass for me....or had nuns in some south american mountains praying for me....

5. And stories....like PURE....I needed other stage 3 stories.....(not I and II).  I gravitated to anyone that was doing well.

Hope this helps.

Jacqueline

Treatment isn't really totally different between the stages. Your friend may or may not get chemo and/or rads. She may or may not have a mastectomy. Strangely enough, the Stage 0 gals get more mastectomies than the Stage III girls! The Stage IV ladies can often say they are NED (no evidence of disease) though they are constantly on chemo. So really, there are only 3 variants in treatment your friend will have to deal with; surgery, chemo, rads. She may get all, she may get one or two. That is the variance.

Here are things that my friends and community did for me that were wonderful....play dates for my then 2nd grader, meals the day of surgery and for a week after....meals starting the day of chemo and the following week.....I struggled with nausea but I told people what I could eat and what I couldn't.....other helpful things...running errands, grocery shopping, helping with chores in the house, cards, emails or other expressions of I'm thinking of you....don't wait for friend to ask, but offer specific help, (not say call me and not let know what I can do), remember the other family members...they too are impacted by the diagnosis.....there are several websites that you can sign up to coordinate meals.....if you do meals, give your friend a list of whose cooking what meal when!!!...at one of my schools, my co-workers knit me several hats...even though I didn't wear some of them, the gesture was very touching and I did wear a few to work....when your friend is feeling good, girl time, going out or whatever you did before....

For out of town friends and family, how about gift certicates to take-out or dine-in places? A card with one of thos in it would be a wonderful reminder that someone is thinking of you!

Hi Cyndesign-

1. Meals-like some others said.  I also had them the day of chemo and then the 2 days following.  I fought help at first but was so glad when I got it.  We set a cooler up on the porch and told people to put the food in there-that way I didn't have to worry about answering the door if I didn't want to.

2.  Some uplifting books to read about stage III people.  I was desperate for those stories.  Now I am one of them!

3.  If she has kids ask her what she needs you to do for them.  She may or may not want her kids with her.  Maybe she needs rides for them?  When I was first diagnosed one of my friends took my 3 girls so I could call family members to tell them without the kids being around.  Mine were 4, 6 and 8 when I was diagnosed.

4. I also wanted to explain bc to my kids without scaring them too much.  I had trouble finding a book that did that so I ended up writing one for children-see my signature line.  But you could also do a search online for others. 

5.  Make sure you stay in contact with her and talk to her about normal stuff-not just cancer.  She is already thinking about cancer pretty much all the time and is terrified she will die.  Talk about everyday stupid stuff that will make her feel normal.

One thing that annoyed me when I was going through treatment was people who said "if there is anything I can do..." and then did nothing. Find something you can do which you think will be helpful, and do it. Some nice things people did for me was bringing stuff/books for the kids, meals, and sending emails.

When I was going through the diagnostic stage I had one great friend who sent me long silly emails every day describing her day! She just wanted me to have a few minutes where I was thinking of something else. And cards are always nice from people living far away. Your world gets pretty small near the end of Chemo, it was nice to know that people were still thinking of me.

Remember that treatment will be a long haul. Don't disappear on her. With surgery, Chemo and Rads you are looking at many months. Also remember she may not always feel up to talking, often I just couldn't really cope with talking to people. But it was still nice to get phone messages, so don't take it personally if she doesn't answer. 

One last thing is cleaning! I wish someone had paid for a cleaning lady for us for the duration. I would have loved that! If you could have a collection to pay for some maid service visits she would probably really appreciate it more than flowers or something like that.

How nice of you to want to help.  You have definitely come to the right place, and one of the first things I would do is suggest she join our "club".  I wish I had known about it at the beginning of my journey.  I've said before finding out you have breast cancer is like being told you have to learn a new language that you never wanted to learn, and without a teacher.  Also I have looked to these ladies for their wisdom and support when I've been scared, worried or just wanted a place to vent.

Food is definitely appreciated, but it is REALLY helpful to have it organized.  My neighbor and another friend alternated months of having a calender that they emailed for people to sign up (there are some online groups like Helping Hands that have a precreated format).  What I found helpful was every other day during chemo.  When we had it every day there was just too much food if you can believe it!  Also offering to do chores, pick up/drop off kids or even just go out for coffee (or bring it there) was so appreciated.

You are a good friend and she is very lucky to have you.

Sharon

Hey there,

I think you've gotten some great suggestions! I like the SPECIFIC offers for help such as, let me make you dinner this week or I'll pick up the kids etc.

One thing that was very touching for me is that a group of women in the school organized a daily schedule (unbeknownst to me) for people to sign up to write me a card. I received a card every day in the mail for months. I heard from my good friends (some wrote me cards weekly, if even to just say "hope you're having a good day" or "I love you"), but I also heard from people I barely knew, who opened their hearts to me. It was so special and I still have the box of cards right next to my bed. I got cards from not just the women, but a lot of the children too -- I will always treasure them.

Oh, and by the way, I would never be offended if you wished me a swift recovery or healthy days! I thought it was sweet!

You are a good friend!

Jackie

Glad we could help and I'm sure your friend will appreciate anything you do for her, everything that was done meant a lot to me.  The quilt was passed around a church and my family and everyone said a prayer and tied a knot, it has my name on it and a Bible verse.  It was put on with sometype of laundry tape so it can be washed but you can tell it was printed on a computer....not sure where they got the tape from.  My friends at work took turns bringing a dinner for me and my family the week I had chemo (the 3rd day after is when the exhaustion hits most people).  Let us know how things go and if you have anymore questions you know where we are.