Disentangeling the past

Couldn't find a better place to put this.....it is a sort of a moving beyond story, all in all.

I was diagnosed in December, specifically Dec 21, 2010. On Dec 21, 1990, we brought my mother home from the hospital to die (of breast cancer). My first appointment with my oncologist was January 14, 2011. My mother died January 14, 1991. My husband and I were driving home from the oncologist, and it was a beautiful day - we could see the Alps (I now live in Switzerland, my mother died in Pittsburgh PA). I had this weird sensation, like a puff of air, a pull, and when I looked at the time, it was a little after 4 in the afternoon, my mother died a little after 10 (same time of day though when you incorporate the time change).My diagnosis and treatment decisions seem to be bracketed by my mother's experience...

So for a while, I felt really good about this - as though I knew my mother was still there, but my story didn't have to be the same as hers. And in fact, her diagnosis was a lot different - she was diagnoised in 1986, after she'd had the lump for a while (we don't know how long), and she had 9/19 positive nodes, a large tumor and radical masectomy. Chemo was not recommended at the time. In 1989, they found mets and started rads and chemo, but it was a downward course, especially the last 6 months. Bone to brain. My sister and I were lucky enough to be able to care for her in the last few months (plus some aunts and hospice), and we were with her when she died. It was moving, peaceful, natural. But haunting. 

Back to the present. My dx is much better - stage IIa, no nodes or mets, and I'm having chemo now, will have rads and then onto armidex. I'm 56, my mom was 59.  I was able to have a lumpectomy.

I finished the first part of chemo - anthracyclines, and had a bit of depression, low counts, neurtopenia, and infections after the very last course. I've been tired. When I look in the mirror, especially around my eyes, sometimes I see my mother's face. It haunts me. Now that I'm on taxol, I seem to tolerate it far better, and most of the time I know that my mother's dx is not mine, and neither is her px. I know that rationally, but sometimes emotionally, it's very very difficult to disentangle myself from her. I guess shared features make it hard. 

I guess I need time, and well, if the worst happens at some point, i know I've done what I can. But it's difficult - and I'm really very new to this. 

I don't like "cancer survivor" and I don't like the metaphor of "war" within my body. Not sure how to frame it. 

So I keep living each day, staying in the present. The germans say "Luck in unluckiness" and it seems that I have some of that - I do have a good px. 

So do others of you have similar stories, and how have you disentangled yourself from the past?