Scared and losing it

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txstardust
txstardust Member Posts: 599
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I haven't really cried at all - for any reason - since my diagnosis back in August 2009.  But tonight, I feel like I'm losing it.

Here's the situation.  About 7 or 8 months ago, I had a little scare.  I felt a pea-sized lump in the same area where my lumpectomy had been.  I saw my surgeon, he did a fine-needle biopsy, and it showed fat necrosis.  Big sigh of relief!  Saw him again a little over 2 months ago for follow-up, and he was ok with the little lump, because it hadn't really changed at all.  All was well with my world.  I even stopped the obsessive checking of my little lump.  I haven't even felt for it in the last month or so, because I was so incredibly preoccupied with my final few weeks of school before I graduated with my Master's this past Sunday.  Tonight, for some reason, I was having trouble sleeping.  I woke up covered in sweat, which is weird because I haven't had even so much as a hot flash in almost a year.  Anyway, I decided for whatever reason to check in on my little lump.  I still feel a tiny lump close to the surface, which has gotten smaller in the last two months.  Great!  However, I can't tell if I'm simply being paranoid, but I feel a different lump deeper in the breast, more like the size of a grape.  It feels much like the lump that I felt back in the summer of 2009 that alerted me to bc in the first place.

Part of me is saying no, it's not bc, you've been checked and rechecked, you had chemo and rads, you're just freaking out - understandable with your history, but don't borrow trouble.  Then the other part of me is saying yes, you know what bc feels like and it's exactly like this, better get ready for the worst.  

And I started crying.  I'm so terrified.  What am I going to do if it is BC?  I just graduated, have a second interview for my dream job next week.  I don't know if I can handle this.  

Why does this have to happen at the beginning of a 3-day weekend when I won't even be able to talk to my onc or my surgeon?  Should I even call them at all?  I have a mammo and appt with my onc in about a month.  I don't want to seem like a hypochondriac, especially after my last scare turned out to be nothing.  But I don't want to ignore it if it is truly a recurrence.  

I've been under the care of psychiatrist for many years, and am already on medication for a mood disorder, which should be helping with the sadness, but it isn't.  

I don't know why I'm posting, or what I'm hoping to hear from my sisters here on the boards, but I can't just sit here because I can't bear it.  I guess I just needed to give words to my feelings. 

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  • juliet62
    juliet62 Member Posts: 3,412
    edited May 2011

    call your docs , somebody will be on call, will hope everything turns out well for you, sending you hugs

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  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 34,614
    edited May 2011

    {{txstardust}} I had a bmx so can't putself exactly in your shoes but can understand the worry.  No matter how much or how well your higher brain is thinking, in the back of your mind there's your residual brain doing all that feeling.  IMO you can't stop it, it's a natural process, hard-wired and primitive.  Drugs may help, exercise, meditation, wine or love from a sister also up in the night.  {{hugs}}

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited May 2011

    Hi stardust,  deep breaths, c'mon, you know the drill.  Anything we find in the breast be it a cyst a fatty lump or even a mosquito bite is going to send us to panic mode.......that is not unusual.  For now, I would call your doc and speak to whom ever is on call and put your mind at ease.  Whatever it is, you can deal with....you already know that.......and whatever it is, is not neccessarily going to change your world drasticly.  A reccurence can be dealt with.  I'm around for hours yet so if you want to talk, please feel free.

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

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  • txstardust
    txstardust Member Posts: 599
    edited May 2011
    Thank you both for your kind responses and the cyber hugs.  I think part of my reaction may be due to terrible sleep deprivation during the 2-3 weeks before my graduation.  There were two nights when I didn't get any sleep AT ALL because I was preparing presentations and writing a 22-page research paper, and several nights of just 3 or 4 hours of sleep.  Even though that ended over a week ago, I'm still so tired.  Waking up in the middle of the night again tonight isn't helping much either.  And of course now, I can't sleep because my mind is running all the possible horrible scenarios.  I keep feeling that lump, trying to figure out just what it is (as if feeling it will suddenly enlighten me).  I think back to the recent results of a blood test this week that showed high blood calcium levels, which is probably just a symptom of hyperparathyroid, but could also signify bone mets.  I've always been one of those overanalyzers who can think a thing through into the most terrible conclusion possible.  I just want to stop the merry-go-round of scary stuff, doctor visits, surgery...can't my life just be normal and not scary?
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  • mccrimmon324
    mccrimmon324 Member Posts: 1,076
    edited May 2011

    I'm sorry your having such a scare, I was just diagnosed back in April and have been on a horrible emotional roller coaster since.  I swear I'm a hypocondriac too and I would be obsessing just like you but you said they just found out the little lump was fat necrosis, I would tend to think that whatever it is your feeling would be the same fat necrosis.  I was also call your doctor too.  I know speaking to him will help you to relax a llittle bit.  The worrying doesn't help you. 

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited May 2011

    Stardust, ask your doc for something to help you sleep.......sleep deprivation for what ever reason is not a good thing!  Oh, congratulations on your degree!   Well done you for completing while doing the journey. On the subject of high calcium, it can also be a sign of infection so don't be a silly and always think the worst.  This is sort of like, crossing your river before you get there.....you know, figuring that you are going to have to swim? but there is every possibility that there will be a bridge so the crossing could just be very easy.  Try not to worry before worry is needed.

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

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  • txstardust
    txstardust Member Posts: 599
    edited May 2011

    I think what Badger said is spot-on.  Logically, I know that the likelihood of a recurrence is low, that the lump and blood test results are probably related to some kind of benign condition, and that it would be best to just relax and check in with the doc just to make sure.  Too bad that I can't focus on that instead of the overwhelming fear!  It's just that before this bc diagnosis, I considered myself a fairly healthy person.  Once that diagnosis came along, I've had back pain, heart palpitations, and needed surgery for precancerous cells in my cervix.  I've gone through menopause at age 37, and I've gained weight.  It would be really great if I could get a little bit of a break from all of this stress. 

    I know I'm not the only one to experience this - how do you get through/past it and deal with it? 

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  • Just_V
    Just_V Member Posts: 841
    edited May 2011

    txstardust - completely understand about the worry - my BS said to me 'BC is not an emergency, it feels like it is, but it isn't" - i clung to that during the waiting and appt rescheduling - but i think the paranoia we all feel is here and we need just to talk it out with others (like us on these threads) who really understand... my pre-op checkup included the chest xray and i was positive it would show lung cancer... go figure - but our minds are so in the BC realm that it is hard to break out.

    try to think about all the wonderful things that will come with you new dream job after you blow the interviewers away.   we're here for you to vent, cry, and rejoice -- anytime.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2011
    txstardust- I'm another night owl that wants to let you know I can completely understand your fears.  I have become so paranoid about every little ache, pain and bump my body creates because there's always that fear in the back of our minds that it will come back and wreck havoc on our lives again.  But it sounds like you have been diligent about staying on top of every concern and that's a good thing.  Unfortunately, though, it means you're going to have days like today when the worrying seems like more than we can handle.  Especially now when everything is falling into place for you and your future.  I could reassure you and say it's probably nothing but I know that doesn't really help when it's the middle of the night and you know you feel something.  But hopefully it will be a small something, a minor bump in the road that is just an inconvenience that needs to be checked out.  I would call with no apologies for being scared and find out how soon you can do that.  And then know that, for now, you've done whatever you can do.  Focus on what you can do and try not to think about what you can't.  (I can't go through BC again!)  You are obviously an amazing person!  You went through BC, you had rads and chemo and you got your Master's degree?  Dang, girl, you are my hero!  I am sending you all the good thoughts I can muster that this turns out to be something completely benign and then you'll have 3 great things to celebrate- getting your masters, getting that dream job and being cancer free!!!!  (((hugs)))
     
    P.S.  I had this all typed out last night in the wee hours and then my computer locked up and wouldn't let me post it!  Hope you are feeling better today! 
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  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 34,614
    edited May 2011

    Kate, it wasn't your PC it was BCO.  I was awake at 3 am and thought I'd post a bit but then the site went kaput until about 6 am.  I think juliet62, chrissyb and I got our posts in just before it went down. 

    txstardust, how I get through it is day by day.  IDK any way to get thru life except with gratitude, humor and perseverance.  Never turn down an opportunity for exercise, and take your pleasures where you find them.

    "Ooh life is juicy, juicy and you'll see, I'm gonna get my bite, sir."  (from Funny Girl)  {{hugs}}

    edit to add a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_g3kkGH8Mo

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  • txstardust
    txstardust Member Posts: 599
    edited May 2011

    Kate, I had the same problem with my post.  It was very frustrating.  But it's good to know that I had people pulling for me.  

    I tried stepping out of myself today, joking around with my daughter and just being silly.  It has lifted my mood some - and taking a nap helped as well.  That doesn't mean the lump is gone, or that I won't be calling my doctor first thing Tuesday morning, but that with the light of day things are slightly better.  Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep tonight.  I don't know if I'llmake it through another night like last night.  

    Badger, thanks for sharing the video - I love Barbra! 

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited May 2011

    Stardust, I'm glad you were able to have fun with your daughter and that your mood has lifted a little.  If you have trouble sleeping, just remember, we are here!

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

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  • CoolBreeze
    CoolBreeze Member Posts: 4,668
    edited May 2011

    I was dx'd August 09 too!  I know it's scary but isn't in kind of good if it comes back in the same place? It's still a local recurrence than and not mets, which I was just told I have (liver).  Maybe think on the bright side of the negative side?  lol.

    My first mammogram after my mastectomy came back bad.  I was super freaked out but it turned out to just be one cyst on top of another giving an odd appearance.  Keep remembering that even though we had cancer, we have normal lumps and pains and aches that are NOT cancer.  I don't know how old you are, but you are getting older, and a hot flash or two might be related to that.  Also, my cysts increased as I got closer to menopause.  So, there is a very logical and non-cncer related reason for what you feel.

    But, naturally, you need to be seen ASAP.  And, if it turns out to be cancer again?  Well, you'll deal with it just like you did the last time.  You got through it then and you can get through it again.

    {{{{{hugs}}}}} 

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  • txstardust
    txstardust Member Posts: 599
    edited May 2011

    Ann, I'm so sorry to hear about the mets.  Good idea to think of the bright side of the possibly negative side.  

    I'm going to just stay busy for the next couple of days, and go from there.  

    Thank you all, ladies, for the support.  Hoping for the best! 

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  • txstardust
    txstardust Member Posts: 599
    edited May 2011

    I called my surgeon today, and of course this is a busy week for them due to the holiday yesterday.  His assistant did say she would order a mammo/ultrasound in the meantime, since it's due anyway.  I was originally scheduled to have the mammo in about 3 weeks.  Hopefully, it will show that I'm just being paranoid!  

    When did I ever think before that being paranoid would be a good thing?

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited May 2011

    Stardust, glad you don't have to wait for the mamo......Good thoughts are coming your way.  (((((Hugs))))

    Chrissy

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  • txstardust
    txstardust Member Posts: 599
    edited June 2011

    So, I AM paranoid - whew!  Just scar tissue.  What a relief!  Thanks for the support, ladies.

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  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited June 2011

    YAY! sorry, just checked out this thread. so happy for you.

    xo

    janyce

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  • K-Lo
    K-Lo Member Posts: 2,743
    edited June 2011

    wwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooo    hooooooooooooooooooooooo

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2011

    I guess these scares will just be a normal part of our lives once bitten by BC. SO HAPPY that you got good news!!!! Hope you go out and CELEBRATE!!!!!

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  • Scooter-12
    Scooter-12 Member Posts: 33,398
    edited June 2011

    I also just ran across this thread.  Congrats on finishing up your Master's and a big WooHoo!!! on the scar tissue.  Now you can get some sleep and nail your upcoming interview.  Take care and good luck.

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  • GiGiL
    GiGiL Member Posts: 928
    edited June 2011

    I am new here, but I am so relieved for you that it is just scar tissue. I have spent many nights liike you did the other night. Congrats on all you have come through and all you have accomplished. (hug) of relief.

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited June 2011

    Stardust, I'm so glad that it was just scar tissue and now you can get on with your life plan......Good Luck!!

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

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