Husband Filing for divorce

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identtwins
identtwins Member Posts: 67
edited September 2015 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi I am new and just need a little support.  I was diagnosised with bc in october.  Had bilateral skin sparing mastectomy. tissue expanders placed 2 weeks ago with 200 ml.  1 st fill on Monday.  My husband and I have been married for 11 years.  He seemed like he was devastated when i was first diagnosised, now indifferent.  2 weeks post op he argued with me and told me to pack my children and leave.  I know I am lucky b/c i need no chemo or radiation but all I do is cry and feel sorry for myself.  I have no one to talk to, my mom hates my husband and just says you'll be better off.  Has anyone else gone through this?  I feel Like I want to die.

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  • Faith316
    Faith316 Member Posts: 2,431
    edited April 2011

    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.  Do you have friends at work that you can talk to?  Or someone at church?  (Even if you don't belong to a church, a pastor would certainly be willing to talk with you and help you sort out your feelings.)  Or, ask your doctor to help you find a resource for some counseling.  I wish I could offer more, but just wanted you to know that your post was read and it will be read by many other women.  Hang out here on the forum with all these wonderfull ladies who know how it feels to receive a breast cancer diagnosis.  We are all sisters here and by joining the forum, you have now inherited a huge family of sisters! 

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited April 2011

    I am so sorry you have to go through this on top of dealing with BC....had you guys been having problems prior?   Is he still in the house ? 

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  • identtwins
    identtwins Member Posts: 67
    edited April 2011

    Thanks Faith316.  It's just very hard for me to ask for help or guidence.  That's why I signed up here.  Thank you for the welcome and the kind words.

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  • identtwins
    identtwins Member Posts: 67
    edited April 2011

    Still in the house, some days he speaks to me others not.  Our marriage has always had problems, I justed tried to get through them.  You know " For better or worse"

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited April 2011

    No, you are right - it should be "for better or worse"....   is counciling an option at all?   Do you think he would go with you?

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  • judyfams
    judyfams Member Posts: 148
    edited April 2011

    Sounds like your husband was just looking for an excuse to leave the marriage - and is using your breast cancer diagnosis to HIS advantage.  he is probably thinking that you will be so involved with your breast cancer reconstruction that you won't be strong enough to fight for what you and your children should have in the way of a divorce settlement.

    I was divorced long before I got my bc diagnosis - but feel your pain.  You must think about YOUR future and make sure you find a good divorce attorney who will look out for you and your children.  Let your attorney do your "fighting" while you use your strength to fight the cancer and recuperate from your surgery.

    I would also strongly recommend that you see a mental health professional to help you get through the trauma and grief of divorce and the ordeal of having breast cancer.  You and your children will benefit from some kind of counseling.  As a doctor you trust to recommend a therapist or call your local mental health center to see if they can recommend someone if you cannot afford to pay for a therapist.  You could also call your local hospital and ask to speak to their social worker - or call a breast center and ask them for the name of a therapist that you can speak to.

    You really need emotional support from a mental health professional to deal with the double whammy you just got.  You need to safeguard your children, your mental health and your financial future and that is why you need to get an attorney as well as a mental health worker.

    Please know we are here for you whenwver you need us.

    Judy

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited April 2011

    Man that stinks! I want you to know that I care and I am thinking about you and praying for you.  Please try take care of yourself! xo

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited April 2011

    That does stink! Btw he told you to leave with the children; how cold can you get? So are  you still in the house? Really he is the one who should leave and legally he will be made to. I hate this for you. You are going through a tough time as it is and with children and now this. A neighbor of mine had a similar thing happen when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001. What started out as Stage 0 quickly became Stage 2 with a very aggressive cancer. She had to undergo chemo and radiation and still has the port in now 10 years later and they want her to keep in for several more years. Never heard of that. She said she woke up just after her surgery - she had a lumpectomy - and heard the nurses talking about a softball size tumor that was removed from her breast. Hers started in the milk ducts. Anyway her husband was not there for her - to say the least.  Her mom came and took care of her. I never liked her husband anyway; he is a pompous, arrogant blowheart. They are divorced. I am sure they had issues before this happened but he should have put those aside and helped her get through a very difficult time. They have children too - boy and girl. Years later and the son wont have anything to do with the dad. He should be ashamed of himself.  We are all praying for  you and offering our support. Let us know how things are going. Diane

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  • mostlymom
    mostlymom Member Posts: 466
    edited April 2011

    what a sleeze he is!  talk about being hit when you're already down - he's the top of the dung heap!  your children are #1 on your protection list & you are #2 - if anyone is to leave, it should be HIM.  this is a terrible enough time without being pushed around by a bully.  please let us know how you are doing.  Martha

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  • LisaAlissa
    LisaAlissa Member Posts: 1,092
    edited May 2011

    Before you consider leaving the house, call a divorce lawyer.  You need to make sure you protect your rights.  Including your rights to the family home.  In some states if you and your children leave, you may be considered to have abandoned the home to him!  Not the result you want.

    You may need to call a locksmith and change the locks, stay in the house, and put a suitcase for him on the porch.  (not sure if that's a joke or not...in your state it may not be!Surprised)

    Please protect yourself.  Get an advocate on your side who can advise you asap.

    All the best,

    LisaAlissa 

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  • 3monstmama
    3monstmama Member Posts: 1,447
    edited May 2011

    I agree with LisaAlissa--don't leave the house and see a lawyer ASAP.  In some places if you are the one who leaves, its like abandonment of the property and you lose the right to claim an interest in it.  And after 10 years of marriage, you have an interest.

    check a local cancer support group or legal aid.  Alas, you are not the first woman to face this.

    good luck!

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  • carol1949
    carol1949 Member Posts: 562
    edited May 2011

    All good advice. It is difficult at best, but you may be better off.  I also recommend legal counsel but also encourage you to get a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay!  This very thing is sometimes thought to lead to breast cancer.... (nurturing everyone but ourselves).

    Hang in  there, and you will find your inner peace!

    In light and Love

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  • pil
    pil Member Posts: 315
    edited May 2011

    I am so sorry about this happening in your life and especially during this time. 

    if you own your home and have children you may want to stay in it and let your husband leave.  If you dont have children at home and cannot afford payments this may be something you work out in your mind whether to stay or leave.  However, do yourself a big favor and you will be much better off later down the road.    Think of yourself right now so you will not be left in need during any divorce proceedings.   If it goes to divorce court the judge may look at what your husband is and has done and weigh in more on your behalf because of your illness.  Just my thoughts .    

    Womens lifestyle and availability to funds are dramatically reduced even in our modern day because of the mans earning power. its still very lopsided.  

    Legal counseling is very important as many here as mentioned. You may need and want general emotional counseling support too.  

    You may want to protect yourself by tucking money back here and there.  If you have joint accounts I would protect myself as well. 

    It so helps to talk. 

    (((hugs))) and I wish you well.  

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  • ToughIrishBroad
    ToughIrishBroad Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2011

    I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  Some men just can't seem to handle it.  When I was first diagnosed, my husband was fine - very supportive - helping out around the house and with our kids (3 and 6).  Seven years later when I had my first recurrence, he couldn't handle it.  Stayed late at work - avoided me and the kids at all costs.  I remember at one point - and this is what FINALLY made me decide to leave him - we were getting ready in our bathroom one morning for work and I asked him if he could please help out more around the house.  He stopped what he was doing, looked at me and said "Look, I'm going to tell you this because no one else has the b*lls to do so, but we are all sick and tired of hearing about your f*cking cancer....."  I just stood there with my mouth hanging open at which point he decided to immitate me.  He denies that to this day, but it was what I needed to leave him.  BEST THING I EVER DID.  I would never have survived it living in that horrible marriage.  I always tell people.... the first time I got cancer, I lost my breast.  The second time, I lost an a$$ - a 225 lb A$$ because that is what he was!  Hang in there - trust that we are always at the exact moment we are meant to be.  It's hard to believe that now, but find a support group/person.   Contact a local church and speak with the pastor.  Wishing you the very best.  

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  • Emaline
    Emaline Member Posts: 492
    edited May 2011

    I joined a support group through our hospital and I was amazed that we had a number of women whose husband divorced them during this time.  It is still something I can't understand. I am so sorry you are going through this and your husband is being a selfish jack@ss.

    I would suggest calling and seeing if you can find a local support group.  Many of the hospitals offer them.  I'm not sure how old you are, you might see if there is a young survivor coalition group in your area.  I honestly was not sure how much help I was going to get from the support group but it was really amazing. Women of all ages, all stages, we even have a 19 year survivor in our group.

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  • identtwins
    identtwins Member Posts: 67
    edited May 2011

    Thanks everyone for support.  I guess I just feel like i will never get over all of this.  I love my husband so much and to see him act so cold to me is killing me.  I have serious doubts that i will see any light again.  He is filing the divorce papers today.  There does not seem to be any support group anywhere near me.

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  • christina1961
    christina1961 Member Posts: 736
    edited May 2011

    I am so sorry you are going through this!  I agree with what the others have said - a professional will be helpful to you and if you are having trouble finding resources locally, call the Yme 800 number - they have information on resources and maybe you can find something locally - and they also have a 24 hour hotline with breast cancer survivors manning the phones.  They will also get a matching diagnosis peer to call you back if you ever wanted to talk to another triple negative survivor (I called and did that and it was very encouraging.)  I'm sure they have women who have gone through this type of situation, too.

    Some people can't handle it when someone else is ill and needs help, even when they are on their way to a healthy life - you really caught this early and it's great that you don't have to have chemo, radiation - but always remember it is a problem with him not with you.  You will survive this, too - and deserve someone who will stand by your side no matter what you are going through in your life.  Sending cyber hugs your way! 

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  • identtwins
    identtwins Member Posts: 67
    edited May 2011

    Thanks just seems like i will never have another happy day

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  • carol1949
    carol1949 Member Posts: 562
    edited May 2011

    "women's psychology support deland fl  "

    I Googled this and the first one that popped up is a woman psychologist in Deland, FL who was recommended by Psychologist Today.  You might check it out and see if she can offer any information.  There is also a Women's Resource Center in Orlando and I would assume one in Daytona.... you might want to research that as well.

    Good Luck.  If all else fails, consider calling a local church... many times they have people on staff , or call the patient navigator who helped you through the whole BC thing.

    If you can't find it, let me know.  I didn't want to look like I was promoting any particular person and have no knowledge of this person other than the recommendation that is on here re: the organization/magazine that is mentioned.

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  • carol1949
    carol1949 Member Posts: 562
    edited May 2011

    ident...... Have you found a resource to help you?  Please let us know as we really do care.

    We want you to find more happy days and that seemingly elusive  inner peace.

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  • identtwins
    identtwins Member Posts: 67
    edited May 2011

    Hi all,  well he filed for divorce on Tuesday and suppose to move this weekend.  can't stop crying and the tissue expanders are so painful.

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  • blondiex46
    blondiex46 Member Posts: 5,712
    edited May 2011

    I am so sorry that this is happening to you and I know it is painful, but remember it is happening to everyone in the house, your children need you how old are they, tell us about them? 

    I am here if you want to talk, PM me!!!

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  • Just_V
    Just_V Member Posts: 841
    edited May 2011

    identtwins - i so urge you to see if you husband will go to a counselor - After 26 years of marriage, my husband and i were at that point - and that was pre-DX -- we went to the therapist so that we could remain civil, but now, one year (and DX) later, we are the best we've ever been -- so many assumptions and things not said were ruining our marriage -- we have yet to regain the sexual intimancy we once had, but we are truly good friends now and the romance, even with the DX, is returning... your husband may fell shut out and you may feel he doesn't care or it may be something else all together - the point is to exposed everything to the sunlight - if it dies, it dies, but, like a plant cut back, it may spring forth a new, wonderful relationship....

    Know that we are all here for you - i truly know your loniness and it physically hurts.

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  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 252
    edited May 2011

    Hi Ident

    So sorry about your situation. It is very wise of you to stay in the house with your children. The sisters here gave you good advise and that is to get a good attorndey asap..

    The husband I have is also a jerk. He refused to be there when I got my diagnosis and when I had surgery. He is a very selfifsh person. l'd throw him out, but right now I am not in a financial position to do so.

    Cyber hugs

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  • LisaAlissa
    LisaAlissa Member Posts: 1,092
    edited May 2011

    I'm so sorry for your troubles.  

    I'm not clear from your post who is moving this weekend.  It shouldn't be you.  And he shouldn't be taking major assets out of your home.

    Have you hired a divorce lawyer?  If not, you need to talk with a divorce lawyer immediately!  Depending on the state you live in, you may each have a 50% interest in everything you acquired during the marriage, in everything you two own, or you may each own the things acquired with your own assets.  There are a lot of variables, and you need to protect yourself asap.

    For instance, what is the current status of bank accounts? Another example, if you haven't been working outside the home, you don't want to find that he has emptied them, and isn't planning on supporting you (and your children) any further.  You may need an emergency court order.

    Please, please, please talk to someone today!

    LisaAlissa 

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  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 3,300
    edited May 2011

    I am so sorry you have to endure this on top of everything else.   I know I could sit here and tell you what a jerk he is and how much better off you will be and how you WILL get over this (all of which is true), but I know none of that matters when you are in pain and you still love someone.  You are in my prayers, too....

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  • lorenar
    lorenar Member Posts: 141
    edited May 2011
    Hi Ident:  So sorry  that you are having to deqal wwith this on top of being sick. My Mom always had a saying while I was growing up but I truely did'nt understand what it meant until I got older. If you find one true love in your life your lucky but if you find one true friend in your life your even luckier. Also remember the verse if it's love set it free, if it flies back it was meant to be. This is my 3rd and hopeful last marriage of my life at age 41. In my opinion if he was not strong enough to stand by you in your most diffucult time than he does not deserve your love and in honesty he is the weaker one. IN time you will see your pain will ease and your life will move forward but as the sisters suggested please do get a lawyer to do the fighting for you and seek the help of a therapist to talk to or private message any of us we are all here for you know that . In my prayers you will be.
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  • soccermom
    soccermom Member Posts: 136
    edited May 2011

    Hi ident- I went through this too with my second husband- that was back in 03-05 timeframe by the time the divorce was final. It still hurts to this day- I did love him, but I now see him for the self-centered SOB he was. Even if there were problems before the DX, leaving while you are in the middle of all this is beyond belief- but it does happen. Mine also said a similar thing to me when I didn't want to have a party he wanted to have because I didn't feel up to it "You're just using cancer as an excuse!"

    Trust me, you will be so much better off without a toxic person like that in your life. Please be sure to focus your energy on taking care of yourself and your children legally. I agree 100 % with what others have said above. And a good therapist, with medication for anxiety or depression if needed. H e doesn't deserve you! I know you are sad but if you can get a little mad it will give you more energy. Take care and keep us posted..

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  • CrazyKitties
    CrazyKitties Member Posts: 180
    edited May 2011

    You don't realize yet that he does not deserve your love...a kind, decent, honorable person does not behave like him. Bizarrely enough, this situation will lead you eventually to the love of your life.You must believe this, for it is true. You deserve a real man, and the only way to meet him is to the lose the little boy you have been married to. xoxxoxo

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited May 2011

    Honey, I wish I could make it all better for you. I wish you were not going thru this unbelievable pain. I know it hurts to be so rejected and treated so cruelly by someone you luv trust with all your heart. Some men are only happy when everything is going along just fine, no serious  problems to deal with etc. I have often wondered how men are so easily capable of shutting off their feelings for someone they once claimed to love with all their heart. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that one day you will be blessed with a man who actually deserves someone who loves him so much. Luv and hugs, Mazy

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