Struggling
All of sudden I find myself struggling again. I feel like I hit my 1 year chemo anniversary and "things" have poped up again. I am scared to the core, I am sad, I am pissed, I think sad thoughts. Just today I was shopping at Nordstrums I saw a mother and daughter shopping and I instantly got sad -really sad - with the instant thought of what if my daughter wont have a mom to shop with.
I am fearful I will be missing their graduation and how that will make them feel to not have me there. I want to call my doctor and ask her to tell me the truth-I am going to die right? I sound like a loon I know and I don't know why this is coming up but it is.
To top it off there is a girl in my neighborhood, a young girl with no kids who had stage 2b bc. It came back 3 years later and now the cancer is in her brain. My "friend" texted me over the weekend to let me know. I am not friends with this girl who has bc but it's KILLING me. I am sad for this girl, sad for myself and just wondering where the hell the cure is.
I feel like everyone reoccurs. I feel like NOONE beats this stupid disease. I keep hearing negative sad stories -there everywhere. I want to pack my bags and move somewhere where bc doesn't exist.
I am tired sooo tired of everyday this being my life. I want my old life back where I could plan on the future, dream of my kids weddings, and having a long life with my husband. I feel like I just got dianosed all over again. I feel like the clock is ticking and closer I get to 3 years the closer I get to it coming back b-c that is when it seems everyone gets it back. I hate to cry and not be thankful for all the amzing blessings in my life. Anyway thank you for listening to me rant:)
Comments
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O Jen,
I am so sorry. Yes, this does weird stuff to our brain. I am just past the one year mark post chemo, and I am finding that I am finally able to really move forward. It finally all came together for me.
It does hit me when I hear of others not making it, but I just have to pull myself back and tell myself that I have a choice. Live waiting for the next shoe to drop, or move forward and enjoy all the wonderful things life has to offer. The truth is that none of us ever know.
On a practical note, I could dwell that I am not getting a piece of work I had counted on, and not being paid what I thought I would be paid for something I just completed. But I WON something major in importance, if less money. And my contacts are out looking for me. I wasn't ready for this even three months ago.
And, I am signed up for a cycling adventure this weekend in WINE COUNTRY. A half-century on Saturday and a canyon ride on Sunday. I made sure I booked into a cheap place that features a hot tub and breakfast. Got the Inland Empire Century deal.
That one should fix my brain up real quick. New place, new scenery, great wine, and endorphins.
Feel better soon. - Claire
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I have no fabulous wisdom to pass along...no magic spell to make your feelings go away....I wish I did because then I would use it on myself as well. I totally get where your coming from. Often feel the same. So, have a hug and good wishes and prayers from a cyber sister. P.S. When I feel this way, I try and do something that makes me feel powerful and strong. For me, that's exercise. Lots of my workouts include kickboxing and I love to picture myself literally kicking cancers ass. And I whoop and holler to boot. It always helps.
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I feel the same way. I wish I could go back to just living a life in which there was certainty of me being on this earth to see my children grow up with all the milestones most moms get to see.....graduations, first girlfriends, marriage, college. But this security, though none of us really actually have it, is gone. I find myself "bargaining"...well if I just live for nine more years I'll be able to see him graduate High School, if I just live this many years, I will see him through the first year of middle school. I go over the ages....if I can just make it until the younger one is 8, will he at least know me if I don't make it, and would it be easier for a fifteen year old instead of a nine year old to lose his mother. It's just hard. I feel your feeling that it always comes back. But the truth is, it doesn't always come back. A lot of the time, it doesn't. I have a friend who had breast cancer that went for months undetected when she was 27 years old. Though they were not testing for Her2neu at the time, she knew that she was not hormone positive. She was likely a triple negative. She even took chemo in pill form for a clinical study. She is now 48 years old! They thought her lump was a cyst, they even tested it. They must have missed the actual cyst because they said it wasn't cancer. 8 months later, it was bothering her and she insisted it be removed. Thank God she did that. I have another friend, who was stage III that is on her tenth year of remission. And my oncologist claims to have a nine year survivor of stage III cancer with 25 positive lymph nodes. I have been told by stage IV friends to not worry about the recurrence. To not waste this time. Because if it comes back it won't matter if I spend all that time in bliss not thinking about it or if I spent all that time worrying about it, it will be just as devastating. I know, easier said then done. I'm glad you feel as I do but we are not stage IV today. I have no real solution. I just take it day to day. My sisters son just went to his junior prom. I worry that I will never see this. I just hope that when it comes I will be here and then say to myself "I am here, I didn't think I would be, but here I am". No-one knows how each case will play out. We have little control over this. Heavy heart for you and warm hugs!
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I'm still in the heart of treatment and struggling with the same thoughts.
I just wanted to tell the stories of two people that I know personally that are Stage IV and doing well...My great Aunt has been Stage IV and NED (other than a spot on her lung that does not change) for 23 years. Whenever I get down, I think of her. Way back then, they didn't test for HER2 and she was ER-/PR- to the best of her recollection. She actually had a second primary and still beat it!
And I have a friend that was Stage IV from initial diagnosis. They told her that she had 3-5 years to live. She's closing in on TEN years this year. She also has an unchanging spot on her lung that remained after treatment. But she's amazing and LIVING, enjoying grandchildren!!
Fear grips me far more than I care to admit. I'm 35, I have four kids. I want to live!! But as the others have said, none of us are guaranteed a long life. Not even people who don't have cancer.
Hang in there girl. Don't let cancer rob you of any of the years that it doesn't deserve in the first place! <hug>
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i say, rant all you want. put it all out there...because what you are feeling and afraid for is real. it is part of being a cancer patient. this takes you on the road of moving forward even tho it doesn't feel like it today....or lately feel like it.
you are grateful for your blessings and life; just because you rant and cry on bad days doesn't mean anything except you are feeling your feelings and putting them out there.
yeah, i am 9 years out.(on some level i say "so what") but i remember the first few years.....i was a mess. anxious...every scan or test i was obsessed with the outcome. (((((crazYY)))))
i finally got sick and tired of cancer running my life. this was later into my years...it was almost like the weight of the disease was lifted off of me. i stopped worrying...i stopped obsessing...i really didn't even want to see the onc anymore because i figured i would know if the cancer came back. but then, good sense returned and i continue with the doc evry 6 months.
i want to reach out to each and every one of you who are soooo scared...and struggling. all i can say is that this is part of the walk down the road. you WILL feel better and those days are ahead too. and you continue to realize that you...will be ok...no matter what. and so will your loved ones.
cyber hugs
diana
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Beautifully written and heartbreaking. Perfectly put what I feel in so many moments.
The other gals have given great words of comfort and wisdom - I don't have much to add, except to take it as you need to. Some days, I have a good cry alone in my car with the music blaring - then step back out into life.
hugs and prayers for you today
janyce
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Just wanted to say I know how you feel. I got diagnosed this past March and find myself looking at my daughter and wondering if I'll be here to see her graduate, get married, have children? I am wishing my life away.
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Pure,
We've all been where you are right now. Honestly, I can't believe the five year mark is right around the corner and I'm doing really great, much better than I thought I'd be doing by now. As I look back and reflect on the last several years, with both my DH and me sick (I know you have had the same thing happen), everything that I worried about has not come to pass. Truthfully, I didn't worry that much because it's not my nature. I think every day is a blessing, and I am just thrilled that things have so far been much better than I planned for.
I know you have so much on your plate with kids to take care of and a business to run. Just continue to focus on the happy things in your life, and do what you can. There's so much in our lives that we can't control...No one is guaranteed tomorrow, not even the mommies who haven't faced cancer or another life-threatening illness. You are doing so many things right-eating well, exercising and conquering the business world. Just keep doing what you are doing!
Hugs
Bobbie -
P.S. Just a few weeks ago, I posted about a 23 year BC survivor from my church who had many positive lymph nodes. No recurrence and she is doing great! Her husband has had two bouts with lung cancer, and that was many years ago, and he's doing great to (without a "top lobe" on each lung that they had to remove). There's LOTS of those people out there, but who likes to talk about the cancer they had ten years ago?????
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Pure...I'm one year out from chemotherapy being done too. the stuff was in my nodes... Who knows if it is gone or not... But this I know... I made plans for the weekend, seeing my dd graduate in June, put in my July vacation request at work for July... And a 19 year old boy who took his GED test where I work last week will never know he passed because of another texting teenager... His plans for the future and all the loves in his life and all the fun he was going to have this weekend is over. In a very real way I am grateful to know that I need to value every sunrise and stand at the backdoor and just sniff the spring and tell my family they are so loved... And put little albums and notebooks together about all our memories... I know I need to do that... That boy never did. Did I grieve too... Hurt... Cry... Fear... Panic... Yup... But I have moved toward making little plans, setting short goals, and focused on what IS... Vs what I fear might be. Someone on this site said fear is false expectations appearing real. ((((Pure)))) you are still here and don't have anything telling you that you are going anywhere soon... That is what is real. Bless everyone around you with the beauty
of a real smile... Filled with the solid truth that you are very much alive... With the beauty of your written word... I for one say thank God!!! -
We all have these days...mine was yesterday. I heard about Oprah doing an interview with Erin Kramp's daughter, Erin was a mom who recorded tapes to leave her daughter b/c she was dying of bc that had mets. I got so down, I want my old life back too...I want to walk around clueless and nieve again. I want to live too. It comes in like a wave and just as a quick as it comes in it leaves and tomorrow is another day. No one is guranteed their next day or even their next breath, whether they have bc or not. I try to tell myself this when I feel the "dark side" coming. I totally get what you're saying though, maybe it's part of the healing process. Hugs and prayers going your way and I hope tomorrow you find this weight off you.
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((Hugs)) Jen. It hits me now and then, too, especially the fear of my little boy having to grow up without me. I just try to focus on the people I love and keep my mind in the now. Hope venting here helped you work it out and you're feeling better soon!
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Jen....I'm older than you and 2 of my 3 kids are grown....and I'm 5 years out...BUT I still mourn my losses and want my old life back!!! and it tears me apart when I hear of women loosing their battle...I have not answers.....just letting you know that you're not alone.....(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
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Pure, I am also 3yrs out and just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I try to put into God's hands but I still live in fear. I thank God for everyday I have, but my life is never going to be the same. I just want you to know you are not alone and it sucks. On the other hand I don't want to live the rest of my life in fear when we have no control over this terrible disease. Prayers for you.
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Pure: you know, I started freaking out again after one year, too...it was when Elizabeth Edwards recurred & it hit me like a sledgehammer. I remember when you were first diagnosed & you couldn't stop posting - you were so intense! The fear does seem to come in waves, doesn't it. When I tell people "five years" they smile at me as if I've passed through some magic doorway of safety - but we all know with BC that's just not a reality. All I can do is look to people like Diana50 and SherriG who are blazing the trail for us & try to pick up bits of their wisdom. As the others said, NONE of us really knows how long we actually have. We BC ladies just have our eyes open a little wider!
We're all walking this with you...
Julie
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I'm glad I found this thread, I can so relate as well. I'm a year out from chemo and just completed the last phase of my reconstruction. I am definitely feeling better with treatments and surgeries behind me but as all of us, I miss my old life. Lots of good encouraging words have been written on this thread. The most important is we are not alone. I love this site and to come here and vent my fears or struggles and get a response is amazing.
Everyone here is amazing and strong, we will have good days and bad days and we always have each other!!
Hugs to all that need one
Diane
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THANK YOU GUYS SOOO MUCH for being there..I do feel better today. I know it's hard for everyone. My husband is 12 years out from stage 3 colon cancer. Our whole life has been the fear of cancer reoccurence-first him then me. I don't get that sometimes..I feel like what are the odds of that happening and why us. I think I need help-lol I tried going this road alone b-c I DON"T want to visit yet another doctor. I hate to feel sad for myself when there is others with way harder journeys and I should feel blessed. I get mad for myself and I get mad that so many women get this disease...Not to mention everywhere I turn I hear of yet another women dying from BC. I don't get it.. I really dont.
Anyway Thank you SO much-you guys are awesome and I appreciate you taking time from your day to help me:) Blessings to all of you!
Jenny: I pray I don't remember about Oprah at 4:00 today. I saw that commercial as well
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Glad you're feeling better today, most of the time we do when morning rolls around. I'm a glutton for punishment and set the DVR to record it, I'm curious to see how her daughter dealt with everything. I hope you catch a good wave and stay on it
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well maybe you can give me the cliff notes...lol Why do you have yourself marked as stage 3c? Your not-with 5 nodes your 3a I believe:)
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That's what I was told, I had hot spots in the intermammary LN.
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I also had IBC.
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Heck, I don't know what I am....you got me wondering so, I looked and it does look like I'm IIIB....how great would that be if I get to drop a stage!
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June 28th will be one year since surgery. Last week my friend who had ER+ breast CA discovered liver and small bone mets. 7 years after original diagnosis. Too make it worse, mets are ER-. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. She was 2B, I'm 3A. I have trouble knowing how to plan my life. Should I try to complete a bucket list of some kind? Travel the world? What would make be feel like I'd accomplished my life goals. What are my life goals? This diesease SUCKS!
I worry about my children and my husband. My kids are 24 and 20. They still need me. My Mom died at age 50 from A.L.S. I know what its like not to have a Mom. It's a terrible loss. Words really aren't adequate to describe the loss. I don't want my children to experience this. It is like living in a black and white world instead of high def color. Next month, I will have been married 30 years. My husband remembers my sisters when they were teenagers. We've lived a lifetime together. I would want him to remarry if I die from this disease, but no one can replace the years we have together and the bonds we share.
I look forward to your thoughts.
Elizabeh
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Pure-
We all get it. I am over 5 yrs. out. I think we all go through phases where we get caught up in scary thoughts. I know that right after treatment was hard. I also remember going through a tough time around year 3. Sort of like I was living on borrowed time. I felt the same thing happen to me as it did with Diana. I ended up getting so very tired of thinking about cancer and recurrence all the time that I just stopped. I ended up going back to work part time, finished my book that I had put off since treatment ended, and now I am going back to teaching full time in Sept. (I am so excited about that). I also had young kids when diagnosed. I wondered if I would be there for Kindergarten graduation (for my now 10 yr. old).
I also freak out when I hear of another recurrence. And I am not sure why people feel compelled to go out of their way to tell us about people we don't even know!!?? I asked my rad. onc. if he was cautiously optimistic about my long term survival now that 5 yrs. has passed. He said he has always been optimistic and that he has several stage III patients who have been with him for 10 and 15 yrs. (he is only 48-ish)
I think there are more stage III survivors that we think. But I think many of us just don't go around saying that we are stage III cancer survivors-probably because people give us that look. LOL. And probably because we are busy living our lives.
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Tks Carol:) Just what I needed to hear..
Jenny don't worry about your stage:) I shouldn't have said anything! Your not a stage...I use to get very caught up in that and then I started seeing stage 1 reoccur and stage 3 people survive many many years.
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Hey Jen...
I think most of us could have written your post.....I would often spiral down to a scary place in the beginning ....thank god I had my husband to yank me back up. Honestly....I think most of the first three years were like that.....fine one moment.....for sure going to die another.
Next week I am at 7 years.....unbelievable to me. I've seen so many blessings and all I can say is how grateful I am to have had them. I know at any moment my good fortune could change....but today.....this moment...right now....is great. Some days it is just putting one foot in front of the other.....other days we can sprint! I think we have all been there.
Love ya.
Jacqueline
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I hate hearing about occurrances - and for some reason people love to share that info with me! And to top it off I am nearing the 3 year mark - just a couple of weeks from now and it is making me a nervous wreck. So wanted my doc to say something positive, eh - that didnt happen.
So what I do is repeat over and over "Shirley, Shirley, Shirley" when I am scared. She is 33 years out, an old woman really at 78 years old. Well Shirley was stage 3 33 years ago - never even got tamox since it was so new then - just surgery and chemo. She comes to my exercise group every saturday but sometimes she cant come because she helps her daughter take care of her teenage boys - drives them to sports. oh and she mows her lawn and this past weekend washed all her woodwork and floors on her hands and knees.
Everyone doesnt recur - Shirley didnt and I wanna be Shirley when I grow up.
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Pure, I think I really could have wrote the same post. It's one year post chemo for me too. I look at my 10yr old and the little guy 6yr's, I just sit there at night and hold them, begging God to let me see them grow up. I so understand these emotions. Then I feel bad because I am here now ,and then I feel ungrateful for asuming I won't be here. This has to be soooo normal for all of us.
Only God really knows what anyones future holds, thats the truth for all humans. I have a really good cry about once a week, and I mean really good. You know I think it helps to feel the fear then release it and give it up to God for that day. I don't know, I take it one day at a time, really what else can we do right? Future plans are hard, when people ask me where my daughter will be going to highschool I want to scream! I don't know ask me if I'm alive then! I feel like an alien sometimes, where do we fit in. I think right here with our beautiful strong sister's! We are all going to be little old ladie's, they are always discovering new treatments. I think we for whatever unknown reason have to believe,that this is the path we found ourselfs on. I feel like before bc I would listen to my kids, now after bc I hear them, I mean really hear them!!!!!! Thats what I call a silverlining, Knowing what really matters, you can't teach anyone that, but we have all lived it and we know the secret of life!
Your all Awesome women
Blessings pure, it's hard, but we have each other. Saying prayers for lots of peace for us all!
HUGSSSS
Steph
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Beautifully written...Steph, Mary and Jacqueline....that's why I come here everyday. Thanks girls.
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Oh yeah Jen...path report says 3C, I have a N3b....would have been nice to drop but oh well
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