I'M SCARED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help !!

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faithfulheart
faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

Hi Sister's,

so , I saw my bs today, an awesome DR. and friend. Just a 3 month check up on my breasts.

I had an  MRI a few months back, all was well. During my exame she felt a node in my right ax, not the side my cancer was on. I have had a bmx so there's no breast tissue just skin. Since chemo ended I have lost a lot of weight, she feels that might be why she can feel things better now. Well she got her ultrasound out to check it out, she said she could see the node and that it looked pretty normal to her. I FREAKED, do you think it's cancer, she said I don't think it is, however she is sending me to get a diagnostic ultrasound this week to confirm it's nothing. I'm so scared! I just feel like I am finally moving forward, I'm so not ready for any bad news, I just don't think I can deal with this. Has anyone dealt with a swollen node, or had a scare like this. She is also going to ultrasound my cheast wall while i'm there, not that she saw anything there , just as a routine look. Here we go with the waiting game, I hate this it's just so unfair to my family. I need some advice, or words of hope girls, I;m just feeling so scared and angry right now. My bs said to me, this is your life now, things like this are going to pop up and I can't freak out every time. I said to her would you not worry if it were you, she said yes I probebly

would. My bs is also a bc survivor, caught it very early, but she gets the fear factor. I don't know what to think. She said we all have nodes, she does not seem overly concerned, but I am extremly concerned. I have never wanted to stay in stage 3 so bad. Please pray for me! I need it !!

Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stephanie

Comments

  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited May 2011

    Hey Steph, big deep breaths and slowly release........now,   first up, a node can be swollen for any number of reasons other than BC and it sounds to me like your doc is purely being cautious which is a good thing.  Before going Stage IV, I had swollen nodes at different times and none were positive for BC including one in my neck that my BS was extremely worried about.  Please try not to obsess over this as this will just make your life miserable, just try to go one day at a time and just deal with that day.

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

  • Nevo84
    Nevo84 Member Posts: 94
    edited May 2011

    Dear Steph

    My mother had swolen lymph node for more than 20 years and it was nothing. Be positive and don't give up. I think it's common to think like what you do but with time passes by you'll feel more comfortable and won't panick everyrtime that something unusual happen to you. The best you can do is inspire yourself and wait until your examine. I truley wish that you'll come back and write to us and inspire us with your great GOOD news. We are here with you

  • jdootoo
    jdootoo Member Posts: 253
    edited May 2011

    I just said a prayer for you. The waiting room is a tough place to be, just got out of it myself!

    Love and hugs, Jackie 

  • sewingnut
    sewingnut Member Posts: 1,129
    edited May 2011

    Stephanie,

    I'm right there with you. My last chemo the onc did an exam and found an enlarged node on my MX side.  I am schedfuled for an US and possible biopsy. She doesn't feel its anything to worry about since I am still doing chemo but wants to be sure. So for now I am taking a deep breathe. You are not in this alone. I am sure many others out there have had the same thing. Prayers and hugs going your way, joann

  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited May 2011

    Hugs and prayers going your way sweetie.  In my opinion, we all live in the waiting room, if that makes sense, most of us are always waiting for something in the back of our mind.  I know the feeling of wanting to stay III.  I found a lump in my arm pit, t was red and warm but it has gone down and the the reddness & warmth has left.  I have a spot on my liver right now that showed up on a PET but wasnt there last time, it's too small to biopsy.  Dr says probably nothing but I'm trying to go ahead and wrap my brain around it just in case.  It's hard but try to stay positive until you know for sure.

  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited May 2011

    steph

    you want them to check this out....even tho it is so stressful. you can have a swollen node for a number of reasons.  it isn't always cancer....it can be something else.

    the first few years after cancer and cancer treatment...our bodies are still vunerable and healing. i had so many "false scares" a few years after cancer.....ended up they checked EVERYTHING  out. i had at least two biopsies after my cancer...all B9.  you will be watched very carefully for a number of years....it is what they do. 

    try to hang in there. go through the testing...hang in there.  don't get soo far ahead of yourelf; into the "what ifs"  i know, easier said then done.... i am sending cyber hugs and good wishes.

    prayers*

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited May 2011

    I thank God for all of you. I woke up so sick to my stomach this morning thinking about all the what ifs. I even started thinking I need to get the house in order in case of surgury, I was thinking ok, how will I tell my little ones who think mommy is all better now. I really was going over the edge. Then I read all your incouraging words, My sister's the only people that truley understand.

    Thank you for your beautiful words and your prayers, you are all in mine everyday. I will take a deep breathe and know this is my path, like you said diana, they will check all things out for a very long time, this is not in my control, this journey has been so hard, i'm so tired of it.

    I will stay strong........... Love to you all and blessings! I will make my appt. today.

    Steph

  • littletower
    littletower Member Posts: 333
    edited May 2011

    Hey Steph, just wanted to chime in. The waiting room SUCKS big time. I went through something very similar and was totally freaking out. And yes, they felt it because I had lost weight. They did an ultrasound and biopsy and it was nothing. So, sending prayers and good wishes. Let us know.

  • Scrabblelady
    Scrabblelady Member Posts: 261
    edited May 2011

    It seems like I worry about every little anomoly that comes along.  Not sure what my state of mind will be when I'm totally finished with my treatment.  But, think positive.  They found two odd looking nodes just before my uni mx.  Turned out they were nothing to worry about.

  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited May 2011

    Hi Stef!

    Just reading htis and glad you are feeling comfort form the posts. Let me add that a node that looks normal on US is a good thing. Your doc wants to check out your loss of weight  , which is erfectly normal thing to do. It does not equate with moving upo a stage.

    Newlies always suffer from post traumatic syndrome. We have all been there thinking something that pops up is a " Baddie " in the early days. It does get better with time, I really relate any sxs to my BC now, but back in the day I was a basket case.

    Try to relax. I'll say a prayer for you , but I don't think you need it.

    Jen, same goes for you a  tiny spot on the liver could be anything and MOST likely not mets.

    Take care!

  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited May 2011

    opps I meant I RARELY relate any sxs to BC!!!

  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited May 2011

    Thanks Linda, I try not to think about it b/c it gets me down and it doesn't help when I have a pain on my right side, my mind automatically goes to the "dark side". 

    I agree with you Steph...I thank God for my sister's, I think I log onto BC.org more than Facebook Laughing  I"m the same way about my house and kids and getting stuff prepared, I think that's a woman thing.  I'm tired too, scheduled my ooph and I don't want to do it, not that I'm scared, just sick of all this.  And you mentioned control, learning I'm not in control was one of the hardest things to get use to...here I thought I was driving this train and I realized I've been in the cabose this whole time.  Stay strong, don't let it win.

  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited May 2011

    (((((Stephanie))))))

    it is so f(*#(!@!ng hard. hate it. lots of prayers for you! i agree with many other gals - your doc isn't concerned, it's still good to check out...let us know.

    sending peace/prayers/hugs.

    janyce

  • Joviangeldeb
    Joviangeldeb Member Posts: 213
    edited May 2011

    Just wanted to send hugs and prayers your way.

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited May 2011

    Thank you sooooooooooooooo much for your prayer's , cyber hugs and good thoughts!!!!!

    They worked!!!!! The node they feel is normal it's b9, thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The second Dr. said

    probebly because of the weight loss they can just feel it more now, where as before they just could not feel it. Now I am a little concerned about my weight loss, just not that hungry, and also afraid to eat anything since everything causes cancer!! Funny how I refuse to give up my red wine though! I love you all, sometimes I wish I could meet each and every one of you, I feel you are the only ones that I can go to for advice, and you soooo understamd. You all inspire me I am truley blessed to have you all!!!!!!! Thank you for your support when I so greatly needed it.

    This is a hard road, trying to figure out how to not live in fear of ever ache and pain that comes along. I pray for peace, and it does come. For some reason lately my fear factor has been really high, I hate that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, it stops me from truley living! Don't worry I'm in theropy, and on effexor, i guess it helps more then I know. WoW! can you imagine if I wasen't?????

    God bless all of you,  may we all live happy lives despite these cards we have been dealt!

    Lots and lots of HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    steph 

  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited May 2011

    good news*

    just keep plugging along....it will get easier as time passes.  you are doing fine. remember that.  this is part of the walk; especially early on for many of us.

    i am happy for you that everything was B9*

    hugs

    diana

  • tlundy
    tlundy Member Posts: 142
    edited May 2011

    Wonderful news!! And as far as the weight loss goes, it sounds like you know that it is from cutting back, so look at it as a positive, especially since from what I have read and been told by oncs keeping our weight down helps in mitigating recurrence.

    So glad you got good results - relax and enjoy a glass of red vinoSmile 

    Tara

  • littletower
    littletower Member Posts: 333
    edited May 2011

    Great news! Congrats!

  • elmcity69
    elmcity69 Member Posts: 998
    edited May 2011

    AWESOME! great news, Stephanie.....hope you are celebrating and savoring this moment.

    xo

    j

  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited May 2011

    That truly is very good news!!!!!!!

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited May 2011

    I'm so happy you got to put your mind at ease, congrats!

  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited May 2011

    Hi Stef,

    Great news! I understand about the weight loss. I struggled with this when I was new to all this.

    The fear of recurrence can keep you locked in a state of anxiety, which is not good. Perhaps an antianxiety med would help get you back on track.( along with some realxing techniques)  It worked for me!

    Take care and enjoy your good news.

  • amyadele
    amyadele Member Posts: 6
    edited May 2011

    So, so happy for you that everything is OKAY! I'm just finishing up treatment and signed on for the first time in a few months, and just reading your post made me feel not so crazy. I never understood how scary it can be AFTER it's all said and done. The negative thoughts creeping in, and feeling guilty for having them, or like they might manifest in some way. But, this is such a good place to voice our fears, and I think just putting them out there sort of helps let them go, if that makes sense. So, thanks for being open about the stuff you're going through, and I thank God for your healing :) Lots of love to you.

    Amy Adele

  • faithfulheart
    faithfulheart Member Posts: 544
    edited May 2011

    Thanks again for all the great advice my dear friends, I hope this weekend brings peace and joy!

    We could all use a really good dose of  happiness. Lets promise each other we will laugh this weekend, watch a funny movie, or just start laughing for no good reason,  just laugh I think it's healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a friend she was dx with stage 3c 9 or 10 years ago, big tumor, lots of nodes. I think 11 or so. She said to me the other day, The Dr,'s may not tell me I'm healed and thats ok , because I know I am and thats all that matter's. She has gone on with her life. She was my daughter's kindergarden teacher and about 2 years out at the time. She has a great life after cancer, she is surviving and thriving!!! I do admire her, and her attitude, she once told me, oh those damn scans, if they look hard enough sure as sh### they will find somthing! Then she laughs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and laughs. We are all thriving in the midst of our journey to find our way, and were

    doing 1 day at a time. Lets all just think that each year that goes by they learn more and more,

    are stage 4 sister's alot of them are also thriving ,really thriving. I am honored to be a part of such amazing strong women, May God bless us all, He is because we have this wonderful safe place!

    Hugs Hugs and more hugssssssssssss

    steph

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