I hate cancer

Oh NancyLa,

I am so sorry to know that you are in such turmoil. You have fought a good fight, lived through diagnosis and those horrible treatments. You are in the the victory part of the race to beat cancer. Just believe the quote that you wrote at the end of your post " If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". They are not just words, you have already lived it. 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let  it be afraid." John 14:27

May the peace of God be with you.

Hi Nancy,

I can completely relate to how you're feeling.  I'm 2 years out and doing well but become frozen with fear at times.  I don't know what I can say to make you feel better.  I want to find the silver lining within my cancer diagnosis but haven't come close to finding it yet.  Every fiber of my being has changed because of this disease, yet nothing in my life has changed.  I drive my same car to my same job, come home to the same house, husband, dog, cat & fish,  I love all of these things yet feel like it should all be different, more meaningful somehow but it's not.  Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own mind and body.  I'm not unhappy, just uncomfortable somehow.  I feel like I should be living life to the fullest, trying to grab the golden ring as if any moment could be my last... but then the bills have to get paid so I go back to the same old 40+ hour a week routine just like I did before cancer.  Maybe my lot in life for the time being is to be conflicted. Thank God you're alive even if you don't truly feel alive in the most meaningful sense.  Good luck to you.  I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I am still seeking the same answers that you seek. 

I am in the early phases of this BC thing and just finished chemo and have my exchange surgery next month.  I am so scared of exactly what you are saying. I plan to start counseling to help me not go there.  I am a mom of a 4 year old and sometimes I just look at him and have to leave the room to cry.  I am so scared he will grow up without me.  It breaks my heart. 

For now I am blogging my journey.  It is anonymous so my family and friends know nothing about it.  It helps get all my feelings and experiences out.  I am also trying to empower myself and do everything I can to improve my chances of it not coming back.  I have always exercised but I am committed to do whatever it takes to continue doing 5 days a week.  It is a priority (as exercise reduces recurrence significantly).  I have also read The Anti Cancer book and the book Foods that Fight Cancer.  I am implementing those dietary changes into my life to improve my odds.  That empowers me and makes me feel like I am doing everything I can.  I also plan to get involved with BC patients at some point through public speaking or exercise (I teach fitness classes).  I want to share what I learned about cancer and help others.  My husband and I are making some life changes too.  My full time job is loaded with stress and I hate it.  We are doing what we can to get me out of that situation so he is interviewing for new jobs which will probably make us have to move out of state away from the rest of our family.  It is a big deal to leave family but we have to do what is right for our own family and that means reducing my stress and improving our financial situation (we need to unload our house which has lost so much value).  Once he finds a new job, I will quit my dreaded job and continue pursuing a business I have been trying to get started on the side in addition to getting involved with cancer patients.  It will also just allow me time to be a better mom and wife.  So this is what I am doing.  Despite all of that, I am so scared about how to live life knowing the cancer could come back.  It completely panics me.  I just can't be the same person before my BC diagnosis. I told my husband that....I can't be the person I was and look at things the same way anymore.  Life is different.  I am different.  I do also find comfort in prayer and having faith that somehow through all of this God will present us with a better situation for my husband's job and we will know what to do.  It's a lot of change - especially after the last 5 months of dealing with BC but it's what we need to do.  We are even considering a move overseas at this point. 

I wish you luck and faith.  I pray everyday for God to let my faith be greater than my fear......

Hugs!

I hear your frustration & I hate cancer too!! Coming to these boards is kind of my way of giving back.  I didn't have anyone to talk about back then.  I wish I had found this forum in 2008, but I am here now trying to encourage & help in some small way. 

You might want to try an anti-depressant.  I had to start taking them because I was have a lot of melt downs. It took a couple tries to find the one that works best.  Nothing wrong in taking them if it helps us cope. Hoping this helps you a little.  NJ

NancyLa,

I can understand how you would have anxiety about this joy-stealer called cancer. I think you not wanting to be around other people with cancer is part of the process, and each person's process is unique to them.  When I was first diagnosed, the show Dancing with the Stars had a tribute dance for women with breast cancer, and I could not watch it (and still haven't.)

The other thing that you could ask yourself when you are feeling anxious is; What do I believe about my life and/or myself 3 years after this diagnosis? Looking back, are you stronger than you realized? 

It is fantastic that you are celebrating 3 years of cancer free life. May you continue to see decades more!