Aging Parents Anonymous

My Mom is 80 years old. She had been my Rock-of-Gilbraltar since I was diagnosed with BC in 2006. All her life, she's been best at one thing: Being there. No matter what.

Well... She was just diagnosed, too, recently. As she is getting ready for surgery (then light radiation), I am not at peace at all:

She is being treated in the south of France, where her family is. OK, I know she will receive outstanding care where she is. But I am unable to get away from here at this time, due to unworkable constraints. I am also her only child.

She seems to have a bad premonition (or whatever you want to call it) about her own illness: she is constantly talking about the end of her life. I am trying to get her to be more positive, but to no avail. 

It is just too hard being the only child of aging parents, but I am sure I am not the only one in this most difficult situation......

Althea: thank you so much for this thread. 

althea:

Yes, my Mom is with her family (though she lives alone in her apartment). And I am relatively happy with the course of action they have chosen for her: surgery, LIGHT radiotherapy, and nothing else, due to her age.

The French approach to cancer treatment is most definitely less aggressive than the american one, in general. And that's good, in my opinion. 

Althea,

This is a great thread, thank you for starting this topic.

My mother and father are 84 years old. They live separately, though still married. My dad is in poor health (cataracts, diabetes, dementia and OCD), but I just found out today at the funeral of my aunt (dad's sister) that my mother has uterine cancer. She had told my father, who in turn told everyone else. She was trying to keep it from me so I wouldn't worry. As it turns out, she went in and had a D&C, though her doctor felt strongly that she needed a hysterectomy immediately.  She goes back in 3 weeks for a check up, and insists that she is "probably okay". I guess that means I am in a new risk category, as I now have a direct relative who has a hormonally based cancer??????? I didn't bother with the genetic tests, as I previously had no relatives with any type of cancer.

I'm saddened that she has cancer, and that I am not living close to her to help her. I have 3 small children, and she is staying with my brother, who, though he is caring and loving with her, does not pay attention to these types of problems. He' s used to her being competent and able to handle her own affairs.

Again, thanks for this thread and for listening to my vent.  

I think the saddest thing for me (besides dealing with my mother's  on and off hatred of me) was that my mom did know there was something wrong with her but didn't understand what.  And she flatly insisted it couldn't be anything age-related (don't even touch the "dementia" issue).  But she would just be in tears at times, like when she'd sit at her desk for 30 minutes trying to write a check and realizing she didn't know how, but she knew she USED to know how.  It was hard to watch.

I didn't agree with my mom because that often fed into and encouraged paranoid behavior.  I also didn't disagree (no point) and did make very benign comments:  that sounds scary;  I'm sorry you feel that way.  That kind of thing.   That satisfied her without feeding her feelings and seeing her launch deeper into the paranoia. 

My mom drove until she was too weak (and by then she was mostly not even aware of wanting to go anywhere, who people were -- she kept calling me a "nice looking young man" (I was bald from chemo and 58), what time of year it was, etc.).  She was a danger on the road for the last year of her life and I tried more than once to get my brothers to address this (she was convinced I was out to get her, to steal her house, to have her declared insane so I could have her put away, etc., so there was no way I could take her keys away without their support and initiation of the whole thing).   They didn't see the problem (live in different states) and, as someone else mentioned, people with dementia do a great job of hiding how bad they are until you're there with them for a period of time to see it up close, so they didn't understand why I thought she shouldn't drive, even after I explained she was so weak she had to carry a dinner plate (no food on it) with two hands -- so turning the steering wheel was very hard for her.  By the time my younger brother caught on to how bad mom was she was barely functioning and was just a few weeks away from dying. I'm not proud that I didn't stand up to my mom on the driving thing but at the time (going through my own cancer treatment) I was so emotionally and physically worn down that I did the best I could and had to let the rest go.  I did tell my mom more than once, very gently and kindly and in a loving way, that I was concerned about her driving and hoped she would be careful.  I think that got through to her because she did reduce her driving to just going to the beauty shop a mile away. 

Sorry to ramble on about me, but obviously the last few years with my mom still bother me.

Esti & Shelia,  I hope things are going OK for you and your mothers.  This thread would have been so much help to me before my mom died but it never occurred to me to start it.  I'm glad it's here for others.

Marianna, I'm sorry about your mother.  I know first-hand what an extra concern that is. My mom had BRCA tests after I had breast cancer (she had been dx 3 years previously with ovarian cancer).  The test came back negative, but to me that didn't mean much -- because they only test for a limited number of mutations, the ones they know about.  Who knows how many others there are they DON'T know about yet.  So I decided it wasn't anything I could worry about, because even if I have a genetic mutation, there's nothing I can do beyond what I'm already doing. 

Sherry,I'm glad your inlaws will accept help.  My mom didn't want ANYone in her house except people she already knew.  It was very hard dealing with her alone.

yazmin,I don't know about the differences in care among different countries, but I do know my mom was 86 when dx with ovarian cancer, and she was treated in an age-appropriate way:  she wasn't given full doses of chemo so it wouldn't weaken her, etc.   Her oncologist's care for her (with family approval) was to keep her comfortable and able to enjoy life for as long as possible, without putting undue strain on her body.  Some of it was trial and error but I thought they did a great job of treating her and allowing her to live much longer than she would have otherwise, and enjoy her life (dementia aside!).  I think oncologists here tend to treat the elderly in a much gentler way unless they want to have more aggressive treatment.

althea, hope your mom's fatigue is getting better.

Hang in there, everyone, and a big hug to you all.

Althea,

My mother-in-law had UTIs until they gave her some vaginal estrogen suppositories. A dry vagina and urethra apparently makes a good home for e coli to grow. Less dryness, less hospitable! The doctor was worried the UTIs could let the bacteria migrate to her kidneys. At her age a kidney infection is very dangerous.

Very grateful the doc rxed the treatment.

I'm sure you know all this. I just thought I'd chime in. Between the falls, and the memory loss and the aches and pains, it was good to at least get my MILs UTIs under control.

Althea,

Your mother's shyness about constipation reminds me of the generational gap we have to face as an additional problem. They just don't talk about things that we would. My grandmother was taken to the hospital after finally telling my mother that she hadn't moved her bowels in two weeks. Turned out she had a blockage which could have been fatal.

My psychologist sister staged a plan.  She began to talk to our family about every intimate thing she could think of in a chatty, totally matter of fact way. She created the "new normal" in what we could talk about. I told my sister I thought it was too late for old dogs to learn new tricks but I was wrong. These old gals were bursting to confide.

LOL, I know more about our family's hemmorhoids and bladder leakage  than I thought possible but talking frankly ended up being a great strategy.  In hindsight, we should have done this years before as a pro-active strike before the problems arose with my grandmother's secret health problems.

An interesting thread indeed.  I am the only daughter of an 82 year old hoarder mother.  yes, just like on tv.  My mother is divorced and living alone on the opposite coast  in a 3 story house full of her hoard.  There is nothing but trails through the house and even then some rooms cannot be entered from both doorways. I have come to believe that in addition to her hoarding she has other mental health problems.  Growing up, our relationship was strained as I didn't match her image of a daughter and, I suspect, reminded her too much of my father.  While years and distance has not improved our relationship, I think meditation practice on my part and Buddhism has helped me to cope better.

My mother was diagnoised early in 2009 with mega heart failure. If you had asked me then I would not have expected her to still be alive 2 years later.  Because of our relationship and the added stress my presence would create coupled with the fact that I work full time and have 3 young children, I did not rush to her side when she had her pacemaker installed.  I did speak with doctors by phone and keep regular contact.  In the fall (right before my BC diagnoisis) I went to see her and to try to deal with making her house functional.  It was a complete nightmare.  The house was so packed with stuff that I couldn't stay there and when I did visit, there was no place for me to sit down.  In all the house, there were 2 seats--a very dirty folding stool in the kitchen and a broken chair in the den.  Suffice to say, I made no progress on the organization.  As an aside, my mother does not acknowledge being a hoarder and specifically denies it.  She presents beautifully albeit a bit excentric to the outside world---well dressed, lovely garden, intelligent, etc.  She is so skilled at presenting herself as normal that she completely fooled her therapist who believed my mother was just a bit messy.  Messy is not putting away things. Hoarding is still having newspapers from 10 years ago in your den and refusing to allow them to be thrown out because there is an interesting article.

I have never told my mother about my BC and don't intend to.  At the time of my diagnoisis, stress was not good for her so I didn't want to add to her issues.  Now she has recovered (dont' ask me how) and I see no point.

My mother still drives even though her skill level is questionable.  She will not give up her car keys.  Other than that she has paid off her mortgage, I have no idea of her financial status as she says its none of my business.  The house is clearly way too much for her but she refuses to move out.  Depending on the day the excuse is that she must "clean up" the hoard or she can't decide where to move.  On the rare moments she considers moving, she won't consider anything under 1500 feet because she needs the space.

It has taken a while but I am resigned to my impotence in the situation.  I call her several times a week to chat and never take issue with anything she says.  I focus my mental energies on hoping that if she has an accident driving, she will not hurt anyone else and that if she falls down her stairs, she will not suffer.  Its all I can do.

for those of you dealing with dementia, I am so very sorry.  I have a coworker in that situation and I have seen how hard it is for her

Althea, I find it's the lack of reasoning skills that's the big give away.  

When we suggested she could be fined for driving without renewing her registration and insurance, she said the police would understand when she explained she needed to get out to buy food.  The reason she gives why she can't drive has changed several times.  She tells people now it's because she's passed the maximum age of 65. I have to quietly signal strangers not to argue with her that people can drive over 100yo if they are fit and safe drivers.  She couldn't remember which bills were being automatically paid from her bank account and which required her to go into the office to pay, despite decades of paying the same bills.  When there was bad TV reception due to bad weather, she thought her TV had broken down.  The reason she gave for missing bill payments were quite illogical.

She argues when she can't remember something that it's because she's so bored all day with nothing to do that it affects her memory.  She forgot which of her brothers living overseas were still alive.  When visiting her youngest daughter and family she thinks they are living in the house she and dad built 20 years ago though it's nothing like it and in a very different area.  While out with her family she took a young GD's handbag thinking it was hers.  When GD complained she started to go through it with all the young girl's bangles and knick-knacks and still insisted it was hers.  Her indoor plants that she was meticulous about all died.  Her fridge filled up with rotting food.

To anyone who doesn't know her she may sound reasonable but over a period of time the jaw dropping errors stand out. 

wow otter...you really have a lot to contend with. My MIL also has severe dementia (was diagnosed by a nuerologist, I believe, as having Alzheimers) As mentioned in my previous post, she is on medication and living at home with caretakers full time. YES, she does have frequent UTI's. I wonder why elderly people seem to have them so often? At first I thought it was because she was refusing to wear Depends so was often wetting herself. But after a very long time...probably 4 years or more of wet pants, she lately has given in and is wearing Depends, thank God. But she still seems to have problems with UTI's. One thing the caretakers and we have noticed, is that when she has a UTI her confusion is worse. As she has no clue about anything, UTI's or anything else, thats what usually tips off the caretakers that she might have one. Suddenly she is more confused than usual. Does not think she is home, keeps saying she has to go gome etc etc. Does not recognize her house.

My sister in law usually takes her to the doctor when necessary, so I have not had the opportunity to ask the dr why she has these infections so often.

I know what you mean about they have no idea of reality. If you asked my MIL if she does the cooking or the laundry she would tell you she does. She has not been able to do anythimg except sit at the kitchen table and "read the paper" for about 7 years now. She still can read but has no comprehension at all of what she just read. Within seconds she has no memorynof reading it either. It really is a terrible disease. My husband and I keep hoping she will go peacefully in her sleep. If she has to go to a hospital or anywhere out of her home she will be totally confused and frightened.



It is very difficult to deal with elderly demented parents when you have huge health issues yourself. We can only do the best we can, I guess.



Judie