Detached from your boobs?

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Sullivan
Sullivan Member Posts: 9
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Hi all- First post, although I've been on this site almost everyday since 3/14.  Had BMX 4/5, and now have TE's with one more fill, and swap sometime in June.  No chemo, and start Tamox tomorrow. 

Okay, so that's the stats.  I'm 46, in pretty good shape, and have marched through this thing like a trooper.  I've had tons of great support, and my boyfriend took great care post surgery.  I look fine, just the same as ever, except that my chest is still a mess.  My TE's are rock hard, and I can't feel a thing anywhere my breasts used to be.  They don't feel at all like a part of me, and I describe them as water balloons, covered in skin..  I had implants before, and felt like they were me, but this...well, it's just different.  I never let anyone touch my implants unless they were my partner. Now, I don't look at them as a sexual thing at all. 

Recently, I was at a benefit to help me raise money for my bills, and I offered the side of my breast to be touched, so people could understand that even though I may look good, 'Feel this rock' , that none of this process has been easy.  My boyfriend became angry at me because I let people touch my boob, and I can see his side, but what I'm wondering does anyone else feel this way?  Do you feel like you are completely detached from your boobs and they are just objects?  I'm sure on some level it's a coping mechanism, but perhaps if I can show him that it's not just me, then perhaps it will help him to understand the I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Plus, the validation for me sure would be a boost. 

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  • o2bhealthy
    o2bhealthy Member Posts: 2,101
    edited May 2011

    (((Sullivan)))  I didn't 'own' my foobs as my own until a little over a year AFTER my exchange and I have just started to recognise them as sexual objects.  They just did not feel like they were a part of me, more so like some alien thing I just had to endure.  So to answer your question, 'yes' I was very detached but eventually I came to accept them as a part of me. 

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  • Sullivan
    Sullivan Member Posts: 9
    edited May 2011

    You bring up some good points. 

    However, I didn't say I didn't care how he feels about it.  He didn't say anything to me until 'after the fact'.  Had he brought it up, out of respect for him, I certainly wouldn't have let anyone touch them.  And, it's not like I was getting 'felt up'.  It was a touch on the side, almost under my arm. 

    That aside, I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way? Like this is a process, and I'm just going to go through it.  The TE's are just temporary, so I'm even more detached because I can't get rid of them soon enough.  Unapologetically, not getting boobs is not an option for me. Although, I really respect and admire your decision!

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  • o2bhealthy
    o2bhealthy Member Posts: 2,101
    edited May 2011

    bump

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited May 2011

    Sullivan -- I had unilateral (left) mx with TE and then silicone implant (the great thing about BCO is I'm not the only one! even though this is apparently an unusual choice).  The TE was so uncomfortable (like a mini football helmet under my skin!) that, combined with all the medical poking and prodding, biopsies, surgeries, fills, imaging studies, etc. -- I really did feel that it was external to me, and I didn't feel "private" about it, for about 10 months!  (On occasion, I had to catch myself on the bus/subway/other public places, when I realized I was about to reach inside my blouse to scratch an itch -- and there were a lot of itches in that breast during that healing/expansion process -- I just didn't seem to have an innate feeling of privacy or decorum any longer!).

    However, once I had the exchange and got the real implant, it started feeling like my breast again -- it's now 4 years since mx, and I feel very attached!  I wouldn't even call it "it" anymore!

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited May 2011

    Sullivan, I sent you a PM -- up near the top of the page it says "Private Messages" -- a pink number will appear if you have unread private messages -- just click on it!

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  • sushanna1
    sushanna1 Member Posts: 764
    edited May 2011

    I viewed my lumpectomy breast in a similar way for almost a year after the various surgeries.  I was willing to show it to anyone as if it were an inanimate object not attached to my body.  However, one day I showed it to a male friend and I suddenly realized that he was not viewing it with the same detachment.  From that point on, it was my breast again and I stopped offering it as an object lesson.  While I would certainly be willing to show people what an excisional biopsy, lumpectomy and re-excision followed by three excisional biopsies does to a small breast, I no longer have the sense of detachment.  

    Regarding advice, I hope that you can somehow explain your sense of detachment to your boyfriend.  Like the others, I suspect that you will come to "own" your new breast.  It just takes time.  Good luck.

    Sue 

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  • Sullivan
    Sullivan Member Posts: 9
    edited May 2011

    Thanks y'all.  I really appreciate your input on this.  I can't wait to get these TE's out.  It's like getting a boob job every week!  Good health and Great Spirits to everyone!

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