Frustrated and Sad.......

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texaslonghorn31
texaslonghorn31 Member Posts: 65
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I know no one can fix this for me, but need somewhere to vent and maybe typing all this will help me stop crying tonight...... and I know you all here will understand. This is the only place I can come where I don't feel so alone.... I am the only person I know to ever go through breast cancer. I was the first person to get any kind of cancer in my family. And it isn't even the cancer that I am mad and frustrated at... it is more the radiation and effects though I can of course blame the cancer for that too. I am 7 months out from 33 sessions of RADS after lumpectomy for DCIS. I tell myself all the time I am so lucky I caught it early, that all I needed was a lumpectomy, that it hadn't spread and that I got through all of it. I had a great job, a great family, wonderful friends, and I know that my journey has been so many easier than so many other have gone through. Which is why I usually try to not be a big baby and cry about it. I try to be positive and move on with my life. But that is the issue... the moving on.

In a nutshell I had complications from the RADS. Most days are ok. Then there are days like today where the fatigue still hits me like a wall to the point where I feel like I can barely function. I have nerve damage from the RADS that my neurologist thinks also may have spilled over into other areas. None of the rest of my body hurts but my arm and shoulder (well my boob always hurts but I am getting used to that). Having a EMG done in a week to determine the extent of the damage.

 I guess I am just so sick of all this. I guess I stupidly thought I would have surgery, do RADS, heal up in a month or two, and other than stepping up the mammos more often.... that I could get my life back. I didn't count on all these issues, more doctors, more pain... and the tiredness sometimes. Like I said, I have really good days too... but the bad ones are bad.... and I never know which day I am going to get. I know you all have been down this path before so am just looking for any words of advice on how to handle it. Thank you all for being here and for giving me a place to say these things without someone who has never been down this road just telling me to "get over it".

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited May 2011

    Texaslonghorn, I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Docs tend to minimize long-term SEs from rads so then when we get them we think there's something wrong with US for getting them. Also a lot of people get PTSD after cancer tx and it wouldn't surprise me if rthat's what's happening to you.

    I don't have any advice for your specific pain/fatigue problems, but the next time some well-meaning but clueless person tells you  to "get over it" just tell them, "Once you have heard the word 'cancer' with your name in the same sentence you are never the same".

    All the best to you.

    Leah

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  • texaslonghorn31
    texaslonghorn31 Member Posts: 65
    edited May 2011

    Thanks Leah. And yes my oncologist tells me the side effects just CAN'T be from the RADS... and then I have the oncologist telling me.. yep, it is the RADS. Just so frustrating! And I love the statement about the word cancer being attached to your name. Wonderful statement. Thanks again.

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited May 2011

    Texaslonghorn31

    I'm sure a lot of us feel as you do and I feel your pain with you. The impacts of BC are far reaching and enduring in many ways, not just those directly related to the physical condition.

    If I may offer a few pieces of practical advice:

    1. If you haven't already done so, talk with your doctor about getting some medication to help you emotionally. There is no need for you to feel so sad if medication can help you feel better.  It is not a weakness to ask for medication and it can potentially help you function better day to day which could in turn improve your mood naturally.

    2. Regarding the fatigue and other physical symptoms, if you can, be kind to yourself, rest when you need to and pursue any therapies recommended by your doctors or others that may alleviate your symptoms.  Remember you and your health are number 1 so try to make time for these things.

    3. If you haven't had counselling, it may also help to talk with a professional about how you are feeling and discuss strategies that may help you to recover.

    I wish you all the best and hope you find the answers that will be right for you and feel much better soon.

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  • texaslonghorn31
    texaslonghorn31 Member Posts: 65
    edited May 2011

    Racy - thank you so much for your reply and kind suggestions. The sadness only tends to come on the bad days... when I physically feel like total hell and wonder when this will ever end. I am not anti-meds but feel like anytime I talk to my doctors about the issues I have they all just want to stick me on some med and send me on my way. I agree with the be kind to myself. I know I try to push myself too much and lead a busy life and have a demanding job. I know tomorrow is a new day and maybe tomorrow will be one of the good ones. I just get so frustrated not being able to plan my days out because I don't know if it will be a good day.. or one like today. I am just glad this forum is here and there are such great people that understand! Thanks again!

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  • mspradley
    mspradley Member Posts: 129
    edited May 2011
    Texaslonghorn31 - just remember that although there are a lot of personal stories and experiences, every one of us walks a different journey.  We are all here to give advice and support, but in the end we all log off and resume our individual lives.  Do not measure yourself by anyone else's timeline or even by your own expectations.  Our heads do not always agree with our hearts.  I also encourage you to seek professional counseling.  I can't imagine anyone going through BC without some degree of emotional strain.  Depression can manifest itself in a number of ways, including fatigue and pain.  I am certainly not implying that your symptoms are indicative of depression, but in ruling them out, you might find that counseling helps since you do not have any close friends or family that have had BC.  I agree with Racy, be kind to yourself.
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  • jo1955
    jo1955 Member Posts: 8,543
    edited May 2011

    Texaslonghorn31 - As I read your story, I felt like I was looking in a mirror and seeing myself.  It sounds so like what I am also going through.  I finished rads 5 months ago today and I still feel the sadness and am tired like I have never been before.  It is so frustrating especially when you have a medical professional telling you it can't be from rads and/or treatment.  The physical healing was not bad, it is the emotional roller coaster that I so struggle with.  I get so much comfort coming to these threads and just venting.  I have met so many wonderful ladies that can help me to not have so many bad days.

    I certainly hear you and feel your pain.  But remember, we are all stronger than we think and I have adopted a "24 hour" rule - basically take things one day at a time.

    Hope you can get some answers and begin to feel better real soon.

    Please PM me anytime you want.

    Love & Hugs

    Jo 

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  • voraciousreader
    voraciousreader Member Posts: 7,496
    edited May 2011

    Pain!!! For the better part of a year I was in agony from my frozen shoulder. And when I asked my doctors if it was from my breast surgery ... All they could muster was a "maybe.". Did you ever??? Over a year after my breast surgery and now shoulder surgery and more PT.... I could see how this journey we are on can make us all crazy!!!!

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  • kate2011
    kate2011 Member Posts: 121
    edited May 2011

    Hi.

    I'm sorry you are feeling so tired.  I wish there was a free, luxury resort on the beach we could go to and get massages and pedicures and take naps all day!  This is an emotional and physical battle.  It's constant.  It's exhausting, even on good days.

    Your body is still trying to repair damage from the rads.  You've got emotional pain.  You've already paid the price (surgery, rads) and shouldn't things get back to normal already?

    The first week after my diagnosis, I took Xanax and Ambien.  I've only taken it once this week when I was having a really crappy day.  I had not taken that kind of medication before, but it has helped me out.  At least I get a full night of sleep.  Sometimes, I get tired just making a cup of coffee and taking a shower!  LOL.  Then it's time for a nap.

    Sorry you're not feeling so well.  Big hug.  I hope tomorrow will be better for you and that you will feel rested.

    Oh, and HOOM 'EM HORNS!

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  • Omaz
    Omaz Member Posts: 5,497
    edited May 2011
    Texas - My onc physician assistant told me it takes about 2 years to heal from rads.  I agree with you that some days are better than others.  On the days I am tired I just can't figure out why.  Today I was in a meeting and just wanted to go to sleep.  Not like me at all.  Take care !  Come and vent here anytime!
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  • nowords
    nowords Member Posts: 423
    edited May 2011

    Texaslonghorn31---

    Be gentle on yourself. Allow yourself to feel the grief, or anger or sadness or fatigue. Cut yourself some slack. Cancer sucks. I am two years out from diagnosis and still have low days. It gets easier. Avoid measuring yourself and your responses to others. It is okay to be sad and depressed, and it is normal. Meds are not the answer for everyone. Adapting to all the extra appointments is intrusive to recovery as well.  Act as if life is going to go on...and eventually...it does. Surrender control....I had fatigue and crying jags and depression with rads .... and that was after chemo and surgery and tamoxifen. (I did not want another pill or some therapy....I kind of figured I had a right to be sad and pissed off for awhile.....)  Instant menopause is a peach of a time on top of it all!!! Most Drs. minimize the side effects...I think they count on power of suggestion...but if you feel it...it is real to you.. Know yourself well enough to get help if you think you need it...but time and sheer will,--- will get you to a better place....accept that there will be ups and downs....We are dealing with all of these emotions and health issues on top of the stress of everyday life....exhale....take a breath....be good to yourself...

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  • texaslonghorn31
    texaslonghorn31 Member Posts: 65
    edited May 2011

    Thanks again SO SO MUCH to all of your for your understanding and support. I am looking at taking up yoga which I hope will help some with the pain, but also for giving me some time to myself to center myself so to speak. My job is uber hectic so I know the stress from that, on top of the cancer leftover mess, combines for a mix of bad days sometimes. I guess I so blindly went into all this thinking do treatment and then life will be back to normal. I know I need to deal with the fact that the normal I had before will not be my normal now. I would like to throw some of my medical professionals under a bus though for not telling me what all my options were (it was either cut the breast off or what I did with surgery and RADS) and for not telling me all the SE's that come with the options. But I am where I am now so agree with the one day at a time.... thanks again. Sleeping time here in TX for me now and hoping for a brighter day tomorrow!

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  • voraciousreader
    voraciousreader Member Posts: 7,496
    edited May 2011

    Come on over to bonfire of the goddesses thread and throw those folks on the fire! You will feel so much better. I promise.

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  • duckyb1
    duckyb1 Member Posts: 13,369
    edited May 2011

    Texas......I will have my 10th Rad tomorrow....I am looking, feeling, watching everyday for all the crap to start.....So far I am doing ok, not perfect but ok........of course I'm only on the 10th one, so I'm sure there are many of you who can tell me, "oh I was great at that number too", "but just wait till you get higher....

    I am 76, so the suggestion was made that I did not have to do Rads...because of my age they feel you will die of something else before the cancer comes back, especially since it is less agressive in women my age.  I decided to go along with the people who said "do Rads" feeling like it was kind of an insurance policy, and my children asked me to do it to, although they said the final decision is yours Mom, its your body..........When I hear the ladies on hear talk I think........oh Lord that will be me in a couple weeks..........

    I've been told "don't go on the website, don't listen to other people, those sites can be depressing, like I have also been told "don't read the pamphlet that comes with your Meds, otherwise you will imagine you have the SE whatever they are.

    Now I have been diagnosed with early stage LSmileE in my right arm. and that means discomfort, swelling, and physical therapy for God knows how long.  It is all so frustrating, and lately I find myself weeping at a Hallmark Commercial.........Now we know it has very little to do with the commercial, its just the down days of cancer.

    Today I bought my Aquaphor, but haven't used it yet.......Maybe now is the time to begin.

    So Texas hang in there and maybe soon you will have a lot more good days then bad ones... ..So my prayers to you, and a big hug.

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  • duckyb1
    duckyb1 Member Posts: 13,369
    edited May 2011

    Texas..........Be good to yourself...........Some days emotions run higher the other days.....anyone on this site who says that doesn't happen is in denial.....I had a good outcome so far, but with each new thing, I get emotional.........Next it will be the Hormone Pill.....I'm really concerned about that one, but if I want to live, I have to do it.........and I have 34 people in my life who want me to go on, and that is just immediate family.

    Just do the very best you can......we are in this together, I'll be praying for you.

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  • texaslonghorn31
    texaslonghorn31 Member Posts: 65
    edited May 2011

    All of you are so wonderful. :) And duckyb1 - hang in  there too. I am so glad this site is here because not only are the people wonderful and I don't feel so alone, but there is loads of information from those who have gone down this road before us! Happy Friday everyone. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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