Nervous Wreck

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Comments

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited April 2011

    Hi,

    I saw my PS today and he could tell that I'm scared that the radiated and very black skin will not heal.  He has decided to give me another surgery on Thursday and remove the black skin and stretch and sew the healthy skin in its place.  He thinks this will speed up the healing process.  I got the last two drains out today which was really nice.  I continue to appreciate your concern and support.  I hope that someday soon I can find a place in my mind where there is peace.  The worry about it coming back is driving me crazy. 

    Take care,

    Nancy

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited April 2011

    Thanks Sherri....I really hope it speeds up the recovery.  I hope you're having a good day and remember that you are a great inspiration to me.

    Love,

    Nancy

  • Jalsmama55
    Jalsmama55 Member Posts: 104
    edited April 2011

    Prayers and lots of good juju Nancy for your surgery Thursday <3 Please keep us posted when you get a chance. Xoxo</p>

  • Jalsmama55
    Jalsmama55 Member Posts: 104
    edited April 2011

    Prayers and lots of good juju Nancy for your surgery Thursday. Please keep us posted when you get a chance. Xoxo

  • kira1234
    kira1234 Member Posts: 3,091
    edited April 2011

    Nancy, I will keep you in my prayers. I hope the new surgery speeds recovery for you. It has been a long hall for you.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited April 2011
  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited April 2011

    Hi,

    I am finally healing after my second surgery last week.  I saw both surgeons yesterday and totally fell apart with depression so I'm seeing a shrink next Tuesday.  I just can't seem to get on with my life.  The last 6 months have been so filled with chemo, surgery, testing and doctors appointments.  Is that living?  What about our quality of life?  I started Armidex today and my doctor hopes to keep me on it for 10 years.  I'll do anything to keep cancer away.  I have officially changed my name from BraveNancy to ScaredNancy.  I hope I get help soon.

    I hope all of you are doing well.

    Love,

    Nancy 

  • toomuch
    toomuch Member Posts: 901
    edited April 2011

    Nancy-I'm so glad that the physical healing is finally going well! Knowing how overwhelmed and scared I was with my original diagnosis, I can only imagine how much more frightened I would be with a recurrance. I think that what you're feeling is normal. It's great that you're going to see someone, hopefully, he/she will help you to harness your fear so that you can get back to life. As always, thinking of you and now wishing you psychological healing too.

  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited April 2011

    Hi Nancy,  It's good to hear from you.  That's really great news that you are healing and the surgeons have said you are on your way.  Physical healing really helps with the emotional healing, too, so as you get stronger, you can find ways to cope better.  After the chemo and surgeries is kind of a void.  We aren't who we were and we aren't someone else either.  I felt like I'd been through a war and nothing was the same anymore.  Talking to someone now is a healthy move.  We are still with you.  Hugs, G.

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited April 2011

    Thanks friends..I hope to start feeling better soon.  My only good time is when I'm sleeping.  My family is giving me lots of support but nothing seems to shake this feeling of desperation.  Is that normal?  Have any of you felt that way?

  • Jalsmama55
    Jalsmama55 Member Posts: 104
    edited April 2011

    Nancy, I completely understand what you're feeling. I've just finished rads on 4/6 and up to that point, my life has been about BC surgery, chemo, rads, drs appts, biopsies, MRIS, ct scans, zoladex injections, etc etc etc etc...... Since July of 2010. Now I'm on tamox and just found out yesterday that I'm a poor metabolizer. So now I'll be adding hyster/ooph to my list for October when I have my DIEP recon. Now that I'm technically "out of active tx" it's so scary. I don't know what to do with myself. Im scared all the time, I'm physically exhausted and most of all mentally exhausted. Some days I just don't even feel like I have the energy to get out of bed. The only thing that forces me to is my 3 kids. Thank God for them :). BUT, I will say that I've made a conscious decision to not let BC rule my entire life more than it already does. I am going to stop sweating the small stuff, only do things that I truly enjoy and just live whatever life I have left to the fullest. Nobody knows what the future holds for any of us. And I just refuse to let it rule my life. That's what helping me get out of bed everyday and take care of my children :) I think talking to someone might be really good for you. Sometimes it takes a third, non partial, not emotionally invested person to give us some perspective and make things make sense for us :) Good luck to you love and remember we are all here for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers Xoxoxo

  • MaureenA
    MaureenA Member Posts: 39
    edited April 2011

    Hi Nancy, So sorry to hear that you are struggling. I think you are smart to talk with a professional.  I firmly believe you will get past this and enjoy your life and wonderful family again.  Sending gentle hugs.  Maureen

  • westieluv
    westieluv Member Posts: 303
    edited April 2011

    Nancy, just wanted to say Hi and tell you that I am still praying for you.  You have a great group of ladies supporting you here in this thread.  They are compassionate, sensible and oh so, REAL.  I thank God for this site and the people that support one another in the struggle.

    It is good that they were able to do the revision on that skin area! Lat Flap is hard anyway without any healing issues or pathology woes. Hopefully the physical healing will speed up and you will start to feel better emotionally.  I think seeing a therapist is a good idea.  You have been through a lot and talking to someone without feeling as if you have to temper your words or reactions would be good.  Family loves you and supports you, but it is hard on them as well.  You can't always say what you want around them and it may feel like you are letting them down if you let your emotions all hang out.  But, I think there is a need to let it out! 

    The Illinois sister who yells and screams if it makes me feel better........

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited May 2011

    Hi,

    I'm trying very hard to move on with my life.  I got clearance from my surgeon on Friday to return to work today and it helped pass the time.  I think sitting home by myself every day was making me crazy.  I know that the cancer can come back whenever it wants and I have no control over that.  I'm trying to live each day as if it is my last.  I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my children, husband, mother and brother.  I am very blessed to have such a caring family. This is the first week in 6 months where I have not! had to see a doctor or get tests.  It feels very nice.  I found out on Friday that I will need one more procedure in about 8 weeks to correct some flaws and add nipples.  I was going to just pass on the nipples but my doctor wants to inject some fat into my upper chest and remove some things that didn't mend right under my left arm. 

    I appreciate all of your support and concern.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day.

    Love,

    Nancy 

  • MaureenA
    MaureenA Member Posts: 39
    edited May 2011

    Nancy,  So glad to hear that you are beginning to get back to your routine a bit.  No medical appointments for an entire week is definitely a milestone.  Glad you were able to enjoy your family on Mother's Day,  Sherri's insights are great.

  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited May 2011

    Hi Nancy,  Just want to say hello and tell you I am glad you are "moving on".  It's as big a challenge as any of the others we've faced so far.  All the best, G.

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited June 2011

    Hi,

    I'm having a down day again.  When will it get easier?  I was just watching a show about people with cancer in Oregon who can have assisted death when health gets bad.  I don't know why I do that to myself but I'm just drawn to sadness right now. I don't even know how I used to have fun anymore.  Thanks for letting me share my fears and feelings.  You ladies are truly wonderful.

    Hugs,

    Nancy

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited June 2011

    Hi Friends,

    Just thought I would check in to see how everyone is doing.  I'm done having my pity party and looking forward to life again. Things are starting to heal, hair is growing, energy level is back and I'm working full time with no problems.  I appreciate all your concern and patience with me over the last 7 months.  I hope you're all having a good day.

    Love you all,

    Nancy

  • kira1234
    kira1234 Member Posts: 3,091
    edited June 2011

    Nancy, I'm so glad you're finally feeling better. Having the hair starting to grow is such a boost to the healing process.

  • toomuch
    toomuch Member Posts: 901
    edited June 2011

    Nancy- We all have good days and bad. It's great to hear that the good days are taking over and that you're feeling upbeat!

  • debi2009
    debi2009 Member Posts: 19
    edited July 2011

    well its now July1, 2011, i may have missed your posting.  I'd really like to know how you are. debi

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited July 2011

    Hi Friends,

    I'm doing very well and just attended a cancer fund raising event in our small town of 7000 people and we raised $65,000 for research.  I hope it gets us closer to a cure for this awful disease.  Hope you're all doing well.

    Take care,

    Nancy

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited July 2011

    Hi again,

    I just got the adjusted total and we raised $154,000.  Now I hope research starts finding the cure!

  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited July 2011

    Hi Nancy,  Just jumping in here to say hello.  It's good to see that you are doing well and out there involved in stuff.  That's an amazing fundraising effort!  Hugs, G.

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited July 2011

    Hi,

    I am going in for my 3rd and hopefully final surgery tomorrow.  I feel good and am anxious to have it behind me.  I thank all of you for your support over the past year.  I hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

    Take care,

    Nancy

  • suzieq60
    suzieq60 Member Posts: 6,059
    edited July 2011

    Nancy - big hugs for tomorrow

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Sue

  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited July 2011

    We will be thinking of you.  Only this last surgery.  That's good news.  Hugs, G.

  • zogo
    zogo Member Posts: 20,329
    edited July 2011

    Nancy, Just read you totals for the fundraiser. WOWOWOW! That is an AMAZING amount of money to raise for such a small town.  That would be like everyone in town donating $22.  Although, I'm sure that didn't happen.......There must have been some VERY generous patrons!!

    Sending good karma and big hugs for your surgery 

  • IllinoisNancy
    IllinoisNancy Member Posts: 722
    edited November 2011

    HI,

    I'm in a daze after going to my Onc yesterday for my checkup.  It has been one year since I got on this local recurrence merry go round and so I thought I would ask some questions.  When the ILC came back in the same breast I had to have a blmx, chemo and now arimidex. My BS told me during my last visit that they don't like to stage local reccurences but that I was a Stage 3 if I needed to know.  When I asked my onc yesterday for the first time he said I'm stage 4 even though it is not in my nodes and all my scans were clean.  He said all recurrences are Stage 4 but mine was the best kind to have because I have a 50 percent chance that it won't come back and a 50 percent chance that it will kill me.  WTH!!!! Nice way to ruin an otherwise wonderful Thanksgiving with my family.  I have read about BC for 5 years now and never read where all recurrences whether, local, regional or distant are stage 4.  I'm going to look for  different oncologist.  He is really making me wonder if he is the right doc for me.  I think he is overworked and doesn't spend enough time on each individual patient.  If anyone has any advise or heard of this, please let me know.

    Thank you,

  • wallycat
    wallycat Member Posts: 3,227
    edited November 2011

    Nancy,

    Words escape me on this.  First I will tell you what my onco in wisconsin said...

    local recurrence does not alter survival ....those were his exact words.

    I never thought to ask how they would stage me if it happened because frankly, it is, IMHO, just words.  I want survival info not what they decide to call it.  

    I can email my new onco here in Washington if you want and ask her.  She is wonderful....but again, I don't know if I would focus on stages.  Like Matic says, lobular cancer is just a different animal and stages mean less for this type.

    Frankly, we all have a 50-50 chance of dying the next day....look at the football player who was 28 and died in his room from an unknown heart condition.  

    The old saying, live every day as if it were our last, because one day it will be ...is about the best advice I ever heard.  

    Remember the new vaccines that are coming out ....god forbid it ever returned...3, 4, 10 years down the line, maybe there will be something that will deal with it.  DO NOT let his comments dictate your outcome!!

    (((((((((((NANCY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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