BC Husbands and Boyfriends Hangout

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  • Shemp
    Shemp Member Posts: 89
    edited January 2006
    You do have a challenge in striking a balance there as the new guy on the block. Only you have the knowledge and feel for the situation, but I'd certainly not contradict or upstage her parents at this time.

    If you want an active part in it all, I found it very helpful to do a lot of the research about bc, especially after finding out the specifics about the tumor, size, nodes, and hormone receptors. You can become quite well-versed in bc/treatment just on the Internet alone. If you can discuss with her the facts and be comfortable with them, that can be reassuring to her. You can also filter out the bad, dated or unnecessary news and info for her.

    As for going back to school, that's a decision only you can make. Fortunately, it appears her parents are there for her, so she's not entirely alone. Objectively, this is only a 2 month relationship and lots of uncertainties still abound in such a new relationship, so those factors certainly do point back to going to school. Besides, the sooner you're out, and the sooner you can work to support the two of you if things continue. 5 hours isn't insurmountable for regular weekend visits. Random letters and cards go a long way in terms of support and comfort between weekends.
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  • KariLynn
    KariLynn Member Posts: 1,079
    edited January 2006
    Nick - we're not that hard to figure out - just tell her you're going to support her through this. You don't need to make a big gesture, just stay in contact (letters, email, phone) when you can't be around.

    Expect that she might try to distance herself when she's feeling sick or ugly and don't take it personally, let her have the time to come to terms with this.

    Go back to school and start working on your future - just stay in touch in case she needs you and try to see her on your breaks. If you're the one for her and she's the one for you it will work out.

    Take care,
    Kari
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  • Pickup_man7
    Pickup_man7 Member Posts: 5
    edited January 2006

    Shemp, thanks again for the advice, when I know more I'm going to do all the research I can, from what I know of what she told me and what I learned on here it's looking alot like what they call Stage II, I won't know for sure how to classify it til we know more. Kari, Thank you for your advice from a womans perspective, it makes sense when I think about it, I appreciate you all helpin me out. I will post more when we know more. Thanks again and the best of luck to you all. - Nick.

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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Hi Pamela: Welcome to this thread. Sorry for not responding sooner, but I've been busy with other things the past week. I would say given this guy's not-so-great track record, that unless he's willing to commit to long-term relationship counseling with you, I'd cut the cord with him.

    During this time you need someone you can count on, not someone who's gonna be an albatross around your neck and bring you down emotionally. I know it'll be tough, but you'll be better off in the long run.

    Keep in touch. Did you get the results back yet?

    Best,
    Greg
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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Nick: Welcome to the thread, my man. You've come to the right place. From your post I can tell you're a heckuva guy, and your gf is lucky to have such a strong/committed man in her life.

    If you haven't done so yet, run, don't walk, and get a hold of a copy of "Breast Cancer husband," by Marc Silver (it's good for boyfriends too). It's a how-to-guide to everything you wanted to know about BC and what you can do (and shouldn't do!) for your loved one.

    Come back here as often as you like. We'll be here for you, bro.

    Best,
    Greg
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  • pamela8
    pamela8 Member Posts: 4
    edited January 2006
    Hi Greg
    Thanks for responding..I was beginning to think that my message had not been well received. (i regretted the part about going back to the cave...very sexist and rude). The very few people who know about my situation (re: lovelife) have dismissed it with comments that I should only be thinking about my health right now...don't worry about relationships. I guess it's really just the old longing for a committed partner, combined now with the fear of being sick and alone. I long for my former life, when being lonely was my biggest problem.

    I know you're right about this guy. I wish I could forgive myself for allowing this pain back into my life in the first place. I feel so humiliated and abandoned. I was extremely vulnerable at the time we reconnected (now even more so) and thought it might be one of those "amazing reconciliation stories": man instinctively knows that woman he truly loves desperately needs him..returns to help her fight cancer ..bravely they fight and are victorious. Happily ever after. The end. (It's quite possible that I've been reading far too many women's magazines/watching too many talk shows!!!Note to self: MUST FIND NEW DISTRACTIONS THAT DO NOT ENCOURAGE DELUSIONS)

    Today I call the onc to find out if my test results are back from the lab re: chemo. Sitting here watching the clock...afraid to make the call..crying off and on.

    Will update soon. Thanks again for being out there.

    Pam
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  • KariLynn
    KariLynn Member Posts: 1,079
    edited January 2006
    Pam,

    I didn't answer because I'm not a boyfriend and from reading your post it sounds like you know what would be the best way to go. I've read on these boards from women who have gotten a divorce or lost a boyfriend that alone is better than together and lonely.

    Good luck on your test results! Make the call - the worst part is not knowing. Once you know, you can fight.

    Take care,
    Kari
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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Pam: Keep us posted, regarding the results. We'll be here for you to help you through!
    Best,
    Greg
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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2006
    Hi Pam ~
    One more Lady here barging in the guy thread, but wanted to offer you support. Good luck on you results. My sister is stage 2 with vasular invasion just finished Chemo in Nov. and getting ready to start Radiation 1/5. I am so sorry what you are going through with boyfriend and don't beat yourself up too much for letting him back again. Right now sweetie you are going to need all your energy to healing and kicking cancer butt. I promise once you have a game plan you will feel better this is the worst part the unkown. Post again let us know what the Dr. said. Hope someone is going with you to take notes, if not take a small tape recorder to your appt. all the information is pretty overwhelming at first.

    Sending postive thoughts ~
    Carrie
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  • pamela8
    pamela8 Member Posts: 4
    edited January 2006
    Hi Kari
    Thanks for your response. I think you're right about the loneliness. It is actually more devastating to be feeling that when you're with someone you should be able to count on but can't. It's so great to see that at least the husbands/boyfriends posting on this topic are trying to do the best they can for the women in their lives...gives me hope...maybe someday I'll find someone with that capacity.

    My appt with the onc. was delayed one more week - no test results yet. More waiting but still a very good situation even with chemo so am trying to remind myself I have lots to be thankful for.

    Being able to write to you all really helps. Thanks again.

    Pam
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  • Pickup_man7
    Pickup_man7 Member Posts: 5
    edited January 2006

    Hey All, I'd like to start off by thanking you all for your advice and support these last few days. We finally got the results of the biopsy today, the tumor is benigne, they're going to remove it and monitor her regularly. We are estatic over this news, I wish all of you the best of luck to you and your SOs. Thanks again for the support. - Nick.

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  • KariLynn
    KariLynn Member Posts: 1,079
    edited January 2006

    Nick - that's FANTASTIC!!! Good luck in school!

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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Nick: Thanks for sharing the good news! Best to you and your gf.
    Greg
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  • Pickup_man7
    Pickup_man7 Member Posts: 5
    edited January 2006

    Kari, thanks for the wish of luck at school, I'm sure I'm going to do well, I have a glorious future to look forward to with a fantastic girl, that fact alone should provide a great moral boost. Greg thanks for the best wishes for the two of us, and once again best of luck to all of you. I'll stop in now and then to see how everyone is doin, and if anybody wants moral support, feel free to send me a message. You all have been really great. Thank You. - Nick.

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  • pamela8
    pamela8 Member Posts: 4
    edited January 2006
    Hi Greg, Kari, Carrie

    Dr.'s appt (with PS this time...chemo doc is delayd till next week) was a step backwards. Bandage back on the incision and fluid removed from expander to take pressure off. My incision started opening a little in spots and draining this past week. I was supposed to go back to work on 1/10 but have pretty much decided to decide that after I find out if I need the chemo. Has anyone heard of chemo being done every week for 4 months? Dr. said that I will be extremely tired and will not want to work full time.

    Am feeling stronger about being without the ex now. I know this is partly due to time passing but also to great extent all your support & encouragement.

    Pam
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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2006
    Hi Pam,
    Sorry about the set back but you will want to be healed before starting chemo as it attacks any fast dividing cells
    and your ability to fight infection is lessened. I have heard about the protocol of once a week for 4 weeks it is suppose to be easier than doing dose dense every 3 weeks as the amount of chemo is the same but just not so much at once. I have read on the boards about many of the ladies working through chemo, My sister could not just depends on how your body reacts to it. And yes being tired hits almost everyone. She just waited to see how she would feel. Now is the time to take care and baby yourself.

    Glad you are feeling stronger Pam , sometimes people don't understand how you can miss someone like that but been there, done that and tryed to learn from it.
    Keep us posted we care.

    Carrie
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  • joannar
    joannar Member Posts: 30
    edited January 2006
    Hi everyone, just wanted to share with everyone that my wife's last chemo was last friday 12/30. For those of you starting or almost finishing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
    I feel like we can now move ahead with our lifes. My wife does need another surgery (phase 2 of reconstruction) but that is mainly comestic so I am not worried about it.
    I feel so proud of her, she has endured this whole situation with so much courage and strength enough to protect our whole family. So I have decided to let it be known and post it so everyone can see it.

    Take care everyone and will continue to read the thread.

    Alex
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  • cowgirl
    cowgirl Member Posts: 777
    edited January 2006
    Alex,
    This is such great news! I am so glad she is feeling better and stronger. So happy for both of you!
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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Pam: Sorry to hear about the setback. Complications from surgery of this sort are not that uncommon, so don't let it get you down. My wife's incisions took longer-than-normal to heal and at one point became infected. Overall, they were relatively "minor nuisances" in the grand scheme of treatment/recovery. Please keep us posted.

    Alex: congrats on completing chemo (celebratory music in the background!) Have you taken your wife out yet for a celebratory dinner (or cooked one for her, if you're so inclined?) I'm sure she would appreciate it. Good luck with the rest of the treatments, and keep us posted.

    Cowgirl, Carrie, et al: How are you and your respective loved ones doing? How about a "rollcall" of the regular and not-so-regular posters here, to let us know how you're doing?

    Greg
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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2006
    Hi Greg ~
    Denise is doing good! She's doing rads now 36/8 only had 4 so far no problems. (Knock wood) she has good energy now and taste buds are almost back to normal and except for some minor stiffness from the Arimidex no bad side effects from that. She goes to get her port out on thursday of this week follow up with onc in March for scans and mammo.

    Don't know if any of you felt this way but as treatment was winding down for Denise and she was getting better I got very depressed it was weird of course being unemployed after 13 yrs. didn't help. So I went to my Dr. and he put me on Lexapro he said it was from stress I feel much better now have been on it for about 3 weeks.

    How are you and your Loved ones Greg? I too wonder about everyone. We should all agree that if one of us is not comming back we will tell the others so we don't worry okay?

    Hugs to my cyber family,
    Carrie
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  • cowgirl
    cowgirl Member Posts: 777
    edited January 2006
    Pam I am so rude, I saw your post about chemo but I didn't have it and really am really of no help. I think you need to rest and take it easy until you heal, remember there are also internal stitches you must be careful of!

    I posted a good article from TD Jakes in inspirations it may help you deal with your ex and your decision!

    I am doing great overall. I feel stronger everyday, I have less fatigue everyday. My youngest is thriving and happy being homeschooled. This month I get my tatoos! Which means I will be complete, fini. Now I am happy about that, December gave me a wake up call. So I am claiming cancer free every day I am! I plan on having a party for those that helped me so much during my journey, I wish you all could come!

    Carrie I broke down after Mom was fine, I honestly think it is normal. And yes now is the time to concern yourself with you and Denise would want you to do that!

    Thanks Guys for continuing your support for all of us! Just a great group of guys you are!
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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2006
    Okay guys -
    No fair we checked in !
    How are your wifes and loved ones doing where are they in their recovery and treatments? How are you holding out?
    Shemp, Greg, Alex ?

    Carrie
    p.s. Alex sorry just saw your wife finished chemo woo-hoo!
    so happy for both of you !!
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  • Shemp
    Shemp Member Posts: 89
    edited January 2006
    My wife is now two weeks out from her last chemo treatment, but she's still dealing with side-effects that keep her from fully appreciating she's done with the chemo. She's scheduled for a "minor" surgical procedure on Monday to alleviate one of the side-effects she's been putting up with for months.



    She's already trying to talk her doctors into getting her port out while in for this other surgery. I'm not sure that's so wise, but I understand where she's coming from. She says it saves money and it's one less hospital trip, but I know it's really a psychological/emotional desire to get rid of anything chemo related so she can feel like she can totally move on.



    She's selected a radiation oncologist, and will start that whole process at the end of this month.



    Just a few simple things and she'll be back to normal:

    -End to the taxotere finger, toe and nail pain

    -Hair growth

    -End to hot flashes

    -Return of energy

    -Quality sleep without needing medicinal help

    -Radiation treatment

    -Port removal

    -Normal digestive functioning



    Other than that, she's almost feeling human again! That's not much, is it ?
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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Carrie: Thanks for the nudge. Uh, let's see...The doc confirmed recently that my DW does have lymphedema in her left arm, but feels it can be "controlled." Overall, though, she is feeling pretty well. Still struggling with fatigue, but, her hair has grown in enough that she now has a cute "butch" hairdo (hope that wasn't un-PC!)
    Best,
    Greg
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  • Shemp
    Shemp Member Posts: 89
    edited January 2006
    Quote:

    (hope that wasn't un-PC!)




    So long as she doesn't trade you for a Harley and her water for Schlitz, I think you're okay!
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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Shemp: You the man! Your comment put a big smile on my face--thanks! Made my day, big guy!
    Greg
    P.S. Don't think it'll happen. Closest my wife will probably ever get to a "hog" is at the zoo and on the rare ocassions she drinks beer it's a Heineken.
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  • Notsopuny5721
    Notsopuny5721 Member Posts: 110
    edited January 2006
    Shemp: Btw, in re your wife's treatment...I also remember my wife wanting to have the port out asap--and she did. Also, regarding rads, you may want to check out that thread on this site for tips, suggestions on how to cut down on the side-effects (e.g., burns and the like). There are good creams you can get that she should apply after each treatment and you can probably find out their names on that thread. And yes, post-chemo the list of side-effects you mentioned do start to go away!
    Best,
    Greg
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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2006
    Shemp and Greg- HEY! I have a Harley!! hee-hee
    Don't be jealous !
    Shemp it took Denise about 6 weeks to get her tastebuds back and she just got her port out under twilight sleep yesterday morning and went to her rads at 3:30 same day no problems.

    Rad tips-
    100%Aloe Vera gel brand name FRUIT OF THE EARTH (walmarts)
    Deodorant- Toms of Maine (cvs)
    Soap- Dove
    Drink plenty of fluids (oh no the water thing again!)
    going braless is best no underwires most ladies that must are wearing softies or sports bras
    Do not rub radiated area pat dry after showers.

    The first appts. are the longest first there is consultation then mapping takes about an hour or so, if she doesn't have good mobilty in her arm yet tell her to get it loosened up as she will have to have her arm over her head in a stirrup or mold for quite some time for mapping and ct scan. After day 14 of treatment seems to be the magic number for reactions to start Rad Dr. will be watching her reaction more closely as ladies that have had chemo seem to react more to rads.
    Also it kicks the hot flashes up.
    After the first appts. it is real fast 15 min. tops in and out.
    Hope this helps.
    Carrie
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  • Shemp
    Shemp Member Posts: 89
    edited January 2006
    Quote:

    Do not rub radiated area pat dry after showers.



    Well, there goes my fun.
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  • cowgirl
    cowgirl Member Posts: 777
    edited January 2006

    You guys make me laugh each time I come here!

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