Mom has stage IV w/liver mets and lost father to brain cancer

Options
concernedcaregiver
concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hi all,

I am writing because I have been having a lot of trouble staying strong lately.  I am 26 years old and my mom has been battling breast cancer for the past 3 years.  She was misdiagnosed, then learned that she was stage III, has gone through 3 rounds of chemo, countless surgeries, etc.  In November, we learned that she has inoperable liver mets.  She has been fighting so hard, has gone through a lot of chemo sessions (abraxane), and now her onc is sending us to a specialist tomorrow in order to learn more about chemo bead surgery.  

I am her primary caretaker and have a younger sister who is 21 yrs old.  I lost my father very suddenly to stage IV brain cancer in 2002.  I feel like my family is vanishing before my eyes.  I always try to stay strong for my mom and sister, but I feel like I am becoming very depressed/anxious lately.  It's so hard to watch my mom suffer and to feel like my sister and I are going to be alone very soon.  

Wondering if anyone else has lost a parent to cancer and now dealing with a remaining parent who has cancer....or anyone who feels that they understand and can offer some advice?

Much love and thanks to all of you..<3 

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited March 2011

    Hi concernedcaregiver, I can't advise you on your position, but I can say that although you want to be strong for everyone, you need to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself as well.  Perhaps there is a support group in your area or a social worker that you can speak to that can perhaps point you in the direction of some resources that you can utilise in order to take the pressure off yourself a little.   Sending you (((((((hugs)))))) and hope you can get some aid soon.  Please come here often as we will be very happy to give you support, hugs, information and anything else that we can inorder for you to be able to have a little peace of mind.

    Peace, strength, love n hugs.  Chrissyb

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ddoyle
    ddoyle Member Posts: 40
    edited March 2011

    Concernedcaregiver,

    The only real advice I can give you is to talk about your feelings.  I was my moms caregiver until she passed away in 2009.  She was a single parent after my dad died when I was 15 teen so I have some what of an idea of how you might be feeling espeically since I lost her when I was 29.  Using this site helped me through the nights when I felt alone and didn't think anyone cared, also talking to friends and finding a support group in your area will help too.  Just know you are not alone and you will never be alone, God is with you and you have your sister.  You have to learn to lean on those that love you and care about you, and trust that they will be there to support you no matter what happens or what tomorrow brings.  My prayers are with you.

     Denise

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited March 2011

    Hi concernedcaregiver...

    I was just a bit older than you are when my dad had cancer. I was his caregiver for 5 years. I lost my mom when I was young, and have no siblings. Now that I'm looking at cancer from a patient's point of view, I truly believe that being the caregiver is more difficult. At least it was for me. I felt so helpless, and I couldn't stand to watch him suffer. I couldn't fix it! And like you, I felt like my family was vanishing.

    You must take care of yourself, take time for yourself, away from your mom and away from cancer. I know it's hard because you always worry, but you have to maintain some sense of yourself and your own life apart from her. I took on a bit too much with my dad when I should have gotten some help. Don't make this mistake! Get help with the caregiving if it comes to that. And lean on your friends... you're only 26 and you deserve to have some normalcy! Your mom worries about you too, I'm sure. She wants you to be as strong and independent as you can be. And you're very lucky to have a younger sister. You will help each other through this.

    I wish all the best for you, your mom, and your sister. There is wonderful support here, so come back anytime you feel like you're losing it!

    xoxo

    Rose.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • wonderfullymade
    wonderfullymade Member Posts: 111
    edited March 2011

    Dearest Concernedcargiver,

    ((HUGS)), I bet you are just spent! In June of this year, my mom, who died of bc mets to liver had been on hospice for a year and took care of her along with my dad and sister. We rotated. All of the sudden, my father had a stroke which we found was mets pancreatic cancer to the brain and he passed a week later. The day after we laid my dad to rest, my momma gracefully slipped into a coma and passed two days later so very peacefully. I later lost my gma within just 10 weeks of my mom and feel a huge gaping hole in my life. My dear mom, God rest her beautiful soul, had an unwavering faith and witnessing that made coping with her death easier for me. As she got into her bed and put on her oxygen, she told us, I don't plan to be here much longer girls, I am just so very tired and I have a groom waiting for me. I have been seeing a grief counselor and am involved in a hospice organization as well. I have been finding ways to honor their memories to do good works for the community helps me feel their spirit still. My momther's hospice nurses and I get together each month for lunch and laugh and talk about her which makes me stay connected to her as well. As you are very aware, we all grieve so very differently and need different things to cope. I am extremely faithful and find comfort in serving others, but that may not work for you. I can tell you that you will still feel the void of losing your parents, but God will place beautiful people in your life that will give your life amazing purpose. A persons family reaches far beyond their genetics. Now, that O have rambled on and on and hopefully not confused you, I want you just to know what a blessing you are. How amazing you must be that God chose you to take care of your beautiful mom during this time! ((more HUGS))

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • concernedcaregiver
    concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2011

    Hi ChrissyB,

    Thanks so much for your advice and kind words.  I am going to start researching support groups/therapists in my area.  I appreciate your support!!  

    Hugs to you, too!! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • concernedcaregiver
    concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2011

    Dear Rose,

    I am so sorry to hear of your losses.  It definitely helps to get advice from someone who has been through a similar situation.  It is so hard when people want to help, but you feel that they just don't understand.  I have been trying to take time here and there for myself.  I  agree that being the caregiver is very tough, because you feel helpless and then feel guilty if you try to do anything for yourself.  I guess all I can do is continue to be there for her as best as I can.  Hopefully you are having happier days now.

    Hugs!! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • concernedcaregiver
    concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2011

    Dear Denise,

    Thanks so much for your words.  I'm sorry for all that you went through.  Yes, leaning on those around me is definitely helpful.  I am lucky to have a lot of people around me, and to have this site in case I need some extra support.  

    Hugs! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • concernedcaregiver
    concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
    edited April 2011

    Dear Wonderfullymade,

    You brought tears to my eyes!  I am so sorry to hear your story.  I think that you have an amazing attitude, and that your family was very lucky to have you to keep them strong during the hard times. My mom is extremely faithful as well, which helps her get through the days.  I have been struggling with my faith recently, but I know that it is important and that I need to work on strengthening my belief again.  I wish you all the happiness in the world and thank you so much for all of your words!

    Hugs! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • emilyschmemily
    emilyschmemily Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2011

    I'm 21 and am one of two primary caretakers for my mom who has metastasized breast cancer, and the stress of it is nearly unbearable. I can't imagine going through what you are dealing with.  What do you do to take care of yourself?  I've found therapy to be a little helpful, since it seems no one I know personally is going through anything like this. I hope you can find a good support group in your area.

    Also-we too are currently considering chemo bead therapy, from what we've heard it sounds like it is a decent option for liver mets located in hard-to-reach spots.

    I truly wish you and your family the best.  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • abbydee
    abbydee Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2011

    Hi concernedcaregiver,

     You brough tears to my eyes!! Although I cannot totally relate to your situation, I do understand what you are going through. I am 25 and my mother has just been diagnosed with Stage III BC. It has came as a shock to the entire family and it has been really hard for me, my sister and especially for my dad. I am able to keep strong for the most part when I am around my mom, because I know she needs strong people to be around her. I find that when I am alone is when reality sets in for me. I try to keep myself as busy as I can, it seems if I do that I don't think about it as much. But lately I feel very exhausted. It scares me even more because my mom lost her mom when she was very young due to lymphoma. It also seems like there is nothing but a big long history of cancer's on my mothers side of the family. Since this is all pretty new to me, there is not one set of adivce I could even give. I can just say I understand how you feel. ((Hugs)) I wish you and your family the best!!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • concernedcaregiver
    concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
    edited May 2011

    Hi Emily,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom.  My little sister is 21 years old and has been taking all of this very hard.  The insurance denied the chemoembolization procedure, so we are currently awaiting the result of our appeal.  So, they put my mom back on Abraxane, but it has made her so sick and weak.  They are going to try the chemo pill, Xeloda, now.  

    Yes, the stress is unbearable.  I had to take my mom to my sister's graduation in a wheelchair and it brought back so many memories of when my dad was sick.  I am so glad to hear that you are going to therapy.  I have been looking into therapy, but my insurance won't cover it.  So, I am probably just going to go and have to eat the cost.  I know how you feel when you say that people don't understand.  It is so hard when I see so many of my friends getting engaged, and living carefree lives, while I am watching my mom slip away.  

    I haven't been taking care of myself.  I also recently got a new teaching job, so I am under a lot of stress trying to make my mark at work.  It never ends!

     All I can say to you is to lean on those around you for comfort, take time to do things that you love, and to know that there are other people out there who understand how you feel.  I am one of them, so please feel free to contact me whenever you feel like it! 

    I wish you and your family the best as well.  You are so young, and I promise you will have many happy days ahead, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but you will! :)

    hugs 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited May 2011

    concernedcaregiver and Emily...

    You are such mature young women, tackling things that are so very difficult. I wish I had gotten therapy when my Dad was sick, and I think it's very wise of you both to consider this. The pressure is extraordinary, and you need a place where you can let go of your pain and frustration. Your mothers must be so very, very proud of you... I'm sure that you give them a great sense of peace. But you MUST take care of yourselves as best as you can during this ordeal. Please, please, please remember to do this. You have your whole lives ahead of you!

    And I'm sorry that the insurance people denied the chemoembolization! But I had much success on Xeloda, concernedcaregiver, and I am currently in remission. So please don't lose hope. Xeloda is much easier to tolerate than some of the other chemos too.

    Thinking of you both and sending you love...

    Rose. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • concernedcaregiver
    concernedcaregiver Member Posts: 8
    edited June 2011

    Dear Rose,

     Thank you for your support.  I am so happy to hear that you had success on Xeloda.  I wish you health and happiness!  I have seen my mom decline recently, which has me worried.  She had fluid drained from her lungs after she was having major difficulty breathing.  The pathology came back and we learned that the cancer is also in her lungs.  Seems like a neverending nightmare!  I am trying hard not to lose hope, but it has been so difficult lately.  Hearing your story helps, so thank you for sharing. Sending you love, too! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited June 2011

    concernedcaregiver...

    I'm so sorry to hear this latest news. My Dad had fluid drained a couple of times too. I know it seems like a never ending nightmare... it doesn't seem fair... Are you able to find a support group, or anyone you can talk to about this? As I think I mentioned to you, my biggest mistake was keeping all my feelings inside... I should have gotten help but I thought I could handle it. It's very difficult! Let me know if I can be of any help to you, answer questions, whatever... Thinking of you, your Mom, and sister...

    Rose.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • justjudie
    justjudie Member Posts: 3,397
    edited June 2011

    I have read all these posts with such sadness for you really fine young people who have gone through or are now going through such terrible stress with ill parents. I also strongly advise therapy or counseling of some sort. If Ins will not cover it (unbelievable that they would not) perhaps a good support group would help. You need to get all the feelings of stress and sadness out. Also, speak to a therapist about this, but don't discount an antidepressant/amti anxiety drug to hep you through this very tough time. They truly do work very well for most people.



    ConcernedCaregiver, there is also the Stage 4 Board where more people with metastatic bc post. I rhink you ,ight dind a lot of support over there as well. I am thinking of you and sending gentle hugs your way. This is indeed a very tough time, but this tooshall pass.



    Judie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories