Had a melt down today or just losing my mind.
Tell me stories of hope. I feel like a child. I want stories that end like fairy tales -- happily ever after.
I totally melted down on my husband this morning. We are trying to build an addition and I started feeling out of control, which of course triggers my feeling of having no control over this disease and it snowballs. Soon I'm crying and destructive. Tearing myself down -- what did I do to cause this, why me, what does my future hold?? My husband is trying to go to work and I'm holding him hostage. If he goes to work it's proof he doesn't care about me. Geesh, I'm so losing it. I've become like a moth to the flame with negative stories. I hear about someone with a recurrence and I think that's my future. I can hear about a 100 year dying from cancer and I think see, it's going to get me too. My thinking has become so whacked. If I'm too positive about my future will the god's smite me? If I'm too negative am I depressing my t-cells and killing myself??
How do you do it ladies? How do you stay balanced, centered, happy, optimistic? Please share your secrets.
With love,
Rachel
__________________________
Dx May 2010 4.5 grade 3 with several lymph nodes, ER/PR+, BRCA2+, chemo Oct. 2010, rads Dec. 2010, hysterectomy Feb. 2011, bilat. mastect. on the horizon. Clear PET/CT mid Jan. 2011
Comments
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(((((((((((((Rachel)))))))))))))...its just one day at a time.....you're not even done with the whole Tx....of course you are feeling out of control....honor your feelings....now that you've had a melt done, pick yourself up and do what you need to do for the day.....Do I stay balanced, centered and optimistic all the time....HECK NO!!!! but I'm 5 years from Dx.....BC is not the first thing on my mind....when I am busy, I don't even think about it....time does help make it easier.....Keep coming here and visiting....it is a wonderful place full of support....
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(((Rachel))),
Geez this cancer s*#t sucks doesn't it? I go through periods just like you, where I'm convinced "it" is going to come back and get me. Many of the ladies here have really helped me when I've been down. And even though our spouses mostly are very supportive, there is no way that they actually "get it". I keep saying I'm going to get a new therapist, and then just keep putting it off. But I really think it could help. Have you looked in to any therapy? If insurance is an issue all major hospitals have support groups that meet once a month or so. I found a good group (haven't been the last few months---thanks for reminding me!) and they all understand. It's really important to connect with people that have traveled this road IMHO. Working out does help (when I can drag my butt to the gym), and getting out in general. Something to get my mind off of ME. Is the weather good where you are yet? I found a hobby a couple years ago that I may get back in to that doesn't cost a thing. It's called Letterboxing. Kind of like a scavenger hunt where you get clues where to find a box, then stamp your journal with the stamp in the box once you find it. Really is fun, takes your mind off of things, and you get to explore new places. Hey, I think I may have to get back in to that myself!
Anyhow, hang in there, and hope you feel better really soon.
Love,
Sharon -
(((Rachel)))
I echo what Karen said...one day at a time. I am two and a half years from diagnosis so relatively new to this BC thing but I can tell you that things do get better with the passage of time. I was a total mess after diagnosis but has gotten so much better at handling this BC business. That is not to say that I don't have days like you had today. I think that with all that we had to go through, we deserve to mope if we want to. Hang in there.
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Have I totally lost it before?? YES! Try this one - I was taking my 7 year old daughter to buy a special dress for the daddy/daughter dance at school. I was stressed to the max and consumed with thoughts that this may be the only special dress I might buy with her, blah, blah, blah... Well, I'm trying soooo hard. I have my wig on, my makeup (complete with pencilled brows...) well, im on the verge of losing it when some jerk yelled at me in traffic. I totally freaked, chased him to the next stop light, rolled own the window, ripped my wig off and screamed at him like a crazy lady. I'm lucky he didn't shoot me. Then I tried to collect myself, re-install my wig, apologize to my daughter and salvage the mother/daughter moment... So, yes I've 'been there too.'
One dream that I had early in treatment gives me peace. My dearest best friend, who happened to die recently in a fluke accident, came to me in my dream. She told me in her California valley girl accent "Brandy, just because you have cancer doesn't mean you are going to die, just like not having cancer means you're going to live, hello?!?!?!" Before she died and before I had cancer, we were busy helping our two friends that had cancer. We felt sorry for them and assumed they were dying. Well, those two people are in remission and my dear friend has died. Before that dream, I felt robbed of a secure future. After God sent me Steph in my dream, I realized that the only thing I lost was a FALSE sense of security. None of us know what the future holds. Cancer or no cancer. Try not to make up wild stories of the future in your mind. One thing is for certain, those stories are NOT true. If you want to envision yourself well and happy then I encourage those thoughts... The negative ones need to stop. Literally tell yourself that those bad thoughts are lies and falsehoods that your mind created, NOT the future.
I'm healthy now and there is no reason in the world that you can't be as well.
Brandy -
hey girl. hang in there. we have all had those terrible days (weeks, etc). go to the Stage 3
"5 years out check in" and you will find SO many hopeful stories! Women who are surviving and thriving.there are no guarantees for anyone, but yeah, i think we survivors have "pressed up against the window of our own mortality", as i read in one article.
try to cope as best you can, even for 5 minute increments. cry in the shower, go for a run or walk, turn up the music LOUD in the car and sing along. when i feel sad, i like to watch the jimmy fallon/justin timberlake duet of "history of rap" (youtube it, it's awesome).
hang in there. keep coming back. we're here for you. xo
janyce
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OMG, you ladies are so wonderful. BrandyB -- I love the story of you in the car. It made me laugh out loud. I want to be like that -- a gutsy lady -- better than internalizing. And that dream with your friend is incredible. That is a gift. Thanks Karen1956, Pupfoster1, Americanpinay, and Elmcity69 for all your support and secrets to coping. You know, I think I will try to take it in five minute increments. My mom told me years ago that is how she quit smoking. She wouldn't try for the whole day, just for five or ten minutes and then another five or ten minutes. I also think exercise is a good plan. I need an outlet for the stress -- internalizing it is NOT working. As for therapy. Yup, I'm seeing one at $160. a pop. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I'm not so sure. But I guess I'm not ready to end it.
Thanks everyone for being here for me. (Ugh...I actually have tears running down my face because I feel blessed that you took the time to send cyber hugs.)
With love,
Rachel
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dear rachel
i am 9 years out. those 9 years have been up and down and round and round., you are doing great just where you are. the emotions that come out are real and totally related to the cancer diagnosis and the treatment. your body has NEVER been through what it is going through now....there is a battle going on and you will win. your healthy cells totally out number the cancer cells.......but the treatmen and all the anxiety and stress can make you feel like a bumbling idiot. bad days...yeah....there are some of them....but there are also ok days...and even good days. this experience is a long haul......that is really why you MUST just practice being in the moment and in the day**** don't beat yourself up for how you feel...or stuff that comes out....you can;t keep it all in every day. try to journal...or even tape recording what is going on inside. never give up. even on bad days. use the boards....we are here for you.
hugs
diana
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Diana50 said it perfectly.
I will only add - you have been thru a lot !
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Diana,
Thank you. It's hard to think that all these feelings and fears are normal, but I guess you're right. I'm trying not to beat myself up so much. Is that a woman thing?? I love what you said about healthy cells out numbering cancer cells. If I could just remember that on a daily basis. Thank you so much for being here.
With love,
Rachel
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I'm only three years from dx, and until a year and a half ago, I wasn't making any longterm plans. Then, shortly after my father died, I decided to move forward with things I had dreamt about doing...breast reconstruction and purchasing my own home. Fourteen months ago, I had bilat DIEP breast surgery which was physically draining. Last month, I purchased a condo townhouse which was physically, financially, and emotionally draining. The idea of having to pay the mortgage for the next thirty years is scarier than the thought of a recurrence, lol.
BrandyB's story about her friend is so valuable as a reminder that our cancer can act as a wake-up call and push us toward doing things that are important to us—and not put them off. As scared as I am about being responsible for a mortgage, I am happy I have acheived something I've wanted for a very long time.
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Well, if you find the magic pill for staying centered, happy and balanced let me know b/c I'm so not any of those things. Deniel...maybe that's the word that sums me up. I've reached the deniel part of this journey, I got tired of having pity parties and had no more tears to cry I think. I have a melt down at least twice a week...my poor husband! I'm sure the hormones are mainly to blame. Brandy nailed it...it is my belief our days are numbered so I'm going to go the same day I would have with or without cancer. Once I wrapped my brain around that it got easier. BC just puts your mortality in your face and lets you see you're not in control like you thought. We're all loosing our minds...isn't it nice to know you're not alone
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I am pretty newly diagnosed (Feb 28, 2011; started neoadjuvant chemo 15 days ago) to stage III and can see myself in all these posts. I have a 13 y.o. daughter that I have been ripping into when she does small things. And I know it's similar to you Rachel. I went to buy her a dress for a bat mitzvah she is invited too. We were both so excited and happy to go. First store we went to, no dresses she liked. She started to pout. I told her there were several other stores in the mall (We were at King of Prussia Mall near Phila. It is one of the biggest in the country.). She didn't want to pick another store, just wanted to pout. I lost it on her. Told her she was stressing me out and I can't handle it with the cancer. I feel really badly. I hope I haven't psychologically damaged her to the point she thinks she killed me if I do die. I did talk to her afterwards about how easily she lets things upset her and get in the way of the good time we were going to have shopping together and that I was overly emotional. Hopefully no long lasting scars. I do think if I had Stage 1 or Stage 2, I would feel differently. But I am quite grateful not to be Stage 4, so that helps me emotionally.
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Hi Rachel! Once, there was a beautiful princess named Rachel who has to deal with three of the most stressful things in life one can encounter...a cancer diagnosis, major surgical-induced hormone changes and remodeling!
However, one fine sunny day, her hormones leveled out and her body adjusted, her cancer was never seen or heard from again because she was so brave and proactive and did exactly what she needed to do - as her current PET scans show.
Perhaps even one day the remodeling got done! That's a toss-up.
The end.
You have been through it and back again this last year. Be easy on yourself, be easy on your husband. Do you like comedies? I find a really great comedy to be very helpful when I am over the top. And chocolate.
I am SO all about taking drugs too. My education is in neuropsych and one thing i learned was that you can meditate or medicate - it's all the same chemicals in your brain. If you're not on an antidepressant/antianxiety med, you should really think about it. Why use your precious resources now fighting these absolutely natural feelings you're having, but make you feel awful? Drugs such as SSRIs won't make you a zombie, and if you're on one now perhaps you might need a different one.
Anyway. Fell better. Feel free to PM me too!
- Pam
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Brandy, I love what you said. "I realized that the only thing I lost was a FALSE sense of security."
That is going to be my mantra when the next ache or pain sends me over the edge of the cliff I feel that I am living on!
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Oh gosh I am so sorry! Me and you have very similar stats. I am 1 year out from chemo and will be 2 years from diagnosis this August. I was a MESS. I would come on here and plead and beg for hope and help. What your going through is normal. You have to go through this-it's like the stages of death-you have to go through stages and then you will get to acceptance. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN-I PROMISE..It happens-It comes back. You have to mourn the loss of your old life, face the reality of death, and move through the anger and fear. You will then come full circle and your life will come back:) A new normal-a better normal at times.
We are all here for you!
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(((((Rachel)))))),
We're all here with you through the storm. I can't tell you how many times I've felt "doomed", and so many stories here resonate with me. Brandy is SOOOOO right. All we've lost is a sense of false security (I'm using that too!). Last week a gal from my church stopped by and I found out that she is a 20 year survivor of Breast Cancer with nine positive lymph nodes. I could have kissed her (I did give her a big hug).
I think cancer is really hard on men, too, so I hope that you and your DH can heal together...
Hugs
Bobbie
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What a gift. I feel like you have each brought to me a little piece of puzzle that I had no clue how to put together. And now it's starting to mend. Thank you Bobbie for telling me about the 20 yr. survivor with 9+ nodes (I had 7). Thank you Pure for telling me I'll come through this. Thank you Pip57 and Paminwv I love, love, love your story -- MY story!! Thank you Kay and Jennybog and Nancy. Thank you -- you amazing women -- you are my blessing in this. Love, Rachel
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Kay...I also have a 13 year old DD.....its a hard age to begin with....can't believe the moods....or should I say i forgot about the moods......you're both struggling right now.....I think your daughter knows you are human and when you let her know how you are feeling, it will help her....I tell my DD when I'm stressed/moody or whatever (not that she can't tell). I too worry that I'm going to cause permenant "scars", bur yet, I know that I'm just mom doing my best and we do have good times together.....Be patient with yourself.....you deserve it....
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BrandyB: You made me laugh so hard I started to cry, I wish I would of had the guts to do that on several occasions. I have been in the boat you speak of, and my DH has heard and seen it all. He has picked me and the pieces up many times.
Rachael; I have been there many times. It happens...it just comes pouring out from nowhere..And then one day, it will be ok..
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Rachel - I'm so glad you liked the story, and I have no doubt it will come true!!
What sort of addition are you doing, is it of the extra bathroom kind or a whole big section of house?
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Hi Pam,
It's a two story addition. The first floor will be a family room off the dining rm. with two sets of french doors leading outside -- I know, not practical, but I'm a romantic. It's the only thing I really wanted. The upstairs will have two bedrooms -- one for each of my kids and a common area for them to hang out in. My dh and his brother (who is a contractor will do most of the work otherwise I couldn't afford my doors!!). Our house currently only has two bedrooms and my son and daughter have been sharing a 10x13'room -- they are 10 and 12. If we don't get the addition done soon, it will be mute - they'll be grown and out.
Love your photo by the way. You're so cute!
Hugs,
Rachel
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Oooh, sounds beautiful! We're going to do a master suite addition ourselves but probably won't start until next Spring because of uncertain financial standing and other silly things.
Thanks re the comment about the picture - smiling is my favorite! (Line from Elf: "Make work your new favorite.")
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Dear Rachel, if you are crazy, I am right there next to you. I am a yeaar and a half out and it does get easier with time, although the bad days do show up. I am on the boards every day and have met some wonderful friends here. There are 6 of us in WNY who will be getting together this summer when everyone is finished with active treatment. I bought a bike and the exercise does help with the moods or anxiety, also see a therapist and am on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety med. I still freak out when a test or scan is going to occur, but my friends on the two sites I am on offer prayers, calming thoughts and in general hold you up. Try to find a group of like minded people that can be your home base. I even quit smoking on the thread Stop Smoking, I smoked for 30+ years and their support was so strong I am a nonsmoker for 2 and a half months. There is a hilarious thread that you must visit, you will laugh till you cry, It is called the road to hell is paved with laughter. Keep coming to visit here - there are wonderful women on these boards. Hugs, Karen
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Two weeks before I was diagnosed my husband and I had finalized plans to put an addition on our house....when I was diagnosed wtih stage 3 it seemed like a crazy idea so we scrapped it.....
Well I am now almost 7 years out....who knew? So do it.....you will be here to enjoy it. It sounds fantastic!
Jacqueline
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just keep on....keep on* never give up*
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Thank you, ladies. You continue to inspire me.
Rachel
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