my father can't get past it- 6 years now

Laurie08 · April 2011

I thought I would see if anyone has any suggestions as to how to help my father. I have found the discussion boards so helpful through my journey with BC I thought perhaps someone might have some words of wisdom to help me help my Dad. My parents had a great marriage of 36 years, my mother passed when she was 57 from BC. My Dad was great through diagnosis and the battle that ensued. Together he and I took care of my mother at home while she passed. He was amazing through all of it, he loved her so much he never waiver for a moment. Till she was gone.

Now that she has passed he has become a shell of himself. They never had many friends as they were each others best friends and did everything together. Since my mother passed he has been searching for his new love. However, he always ends any new relationship because they don't compare to my mother. He desperately does not want to be alone, he doesn't know how to be, to be honest. He and my Mom got together when they were 20, he went from living with his parents to being married to my Mom. He wants the closeness of a relationship so badly but is unable to do it because he misses my mother so much.

I have suggested (many times) therapy, group counseling etc. He says no. He avoids my brother and I, he doesn't seek out any relationship with his grandsons, my boys. If I invite him to dinner he declines, if my husband asks him to play gold he declines. He sits in his house and does nothing for the most part. My mother dids in the house and I have suggested he move, start fresh, he says he likes it there.

So what do I do to help him? He is utterly lost and does not seem to want to find a way out, but it has been 6 years. I miss my mother terribly. On the days where I hurt I look at my family and push on, it would make her proud. My mother never complained and was a very positive person I try to live my life to make her proud. My father always talks about how happy she was, she never complained through treatment and just pushed on with a smile. I tell him he should follow her lead. He says he knows, but he doesn't.

I feel bad that sometimes I just can't stand him. He wasn't supportive through my diagnosis and surgeries because he couldn't handle it. Like I had a choice? That this hasn't scared the sh@t out of me? I could go on- but I won't.

How can I try to help him? Or do I just give up and let it be?

o2bhealthy · April 2011

oh Laurie it is hard when our parents let us down...

your dad is hurting, yes, but you are still his daughter and he has two fabulous grandson's who would love to have a relationship with him. Unfortunately we cannot change our parents, all you can do is talk to your dad, let him know how much his rejection of you and your family has hurt you. Let him know what you want out of the relationship and then step back and let him decide what he wants to do with that information.

I had issues pre BC with my dad not seeming to want to participate in my families life and his grandchildren. It was hard for me but it broke my heart for my children. Of course they don't know anything different but I had expectations for them and for my dad to have this great relationship. I finally had to confront my dad had he put in a little more effort but now 10 years later his grand kids are teenagers and although they love him they don't know him very well. Now that they are older, he wants to spend time with them but they aren't really interested.

My dad remarried after I graduated from HS and his wife is great but it changed the dynamics between us. Maybe without your mom, your dad may be at a loss on how to communicate or build a relationship with you.

I wish I had answers for you, just wanted to let you know I understand.

HUGS

Laurie08 · April 2011

O2B- I would hug you right now if I could. That is totally it. By the time my Dad cares about his grand kids, they won't care about him. At Thanksgiving this year my father in law said to my 3 year old, aren't you lucky you have both your Grandpa's here? My son said "you mean that guy?" Funny , but not.

When my mother was in surgery having her mastectomy my father and I realized we were in this together. We were never close before, but we realized we were in it together we both loved her so much. Now I am the only girl left in the family and my brother and father look at me to hold us all together. I try so hard to string us together, but nothing works. It just seems to be broken. My brother and I have pushed through stating close. He had a hard time when I was diagnosed and I simply told him to cut the crap. (I told my Dad the same thing.) He laughed and said ok. If only it were that easy with my Dad.

o2bhealthy · April 2011

((((Laurie)))) I am sorry you are having to deal with this right now but the again there is no good time to 'have the talk' with your parent. It is hard when we have to parent the parent. It sounds like the boys have one grandparent who is invested in them and they will be so much richer for that. My grandparent's, aunt's and extended family raised me for the most part of my early childhood until I was 12 and met my dad, then he raised me.

Right now my mom is in town, this has probably been our best visit only because she is gone more then here. She treats my kids like her own personal slaves (which they resent greatly and I remember well from my childhood). My daughter loses her room and her brother has to let DD room with him (thank God they like each other or it would be pure hell).

My mom often comes to visit for a several times a year for a week or more when she has down time (she is a massage therapist who travels extensively and does not have a home to go to when she has down time - think new age gypsy). Usually she sits at home all day watching the food channel, reading books or spend the day at the casino. When DH and I get home from work she would ask 'what's for dinner?'... She rarely interacts with the kids or me for that matter. I finally had to to put my foot down and tell her we are not a hotel and if she is going to stay at my house, she will have to let us know what her schedule is and contribute to meals and conversation...

This visit is different because she is here for my GPa - he was dx'd stage 4 prostate cancer and at 89 he is fading fast. It is hard watching her come to terms with losing her last parent and she has been more communicative then usual. It is not the way I would want to open communication but at least we are talking.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived my childhood but I do know my experiences have made me a better parent to my kids and for that I am grateful.

Laurie08 · April 2011

O2B- You are so right saying it is hard to parent a parent. Yet, this is what my father seems to want from me since my mother passed away. He wants me to lead him where he needs to go yet, like a child, doesn't want to listen.

I am so sorry about the situation with your mother. It sound so difficult on so many levels. From your kids, to your grandfather and the fact that you have your own feelings to deal with. Relationships with parents can be so difficult. We can feel so much obligation, yet so much resent as well.

I had a great childhood, but I spent it mostly with my mother and my brother. My father always seemed to be at work or gone golfing. I didn't really start to have a relationship with him until my mother was diagnosed. He just presses my buttons. He had just returned to the Northeast after being gone since Christmas and has now been back for 5 days. He lives less than 10 minutes form me and has not showed any interest in seeing me or my boys. Yet, he has nothing going on. No friends or obligations. So my guess is he is just sitting in his house doing....who knows what. He's always good at talking the talk- can;t wait to get home and see you, the boys look so big in their pictures, I want to teach the oldest how to play golf- blah blah blah. We'll never see him. When I do hear from him he calls to cry and say how miserable he is and round and round it goes.

Good luck with the rest of your mothers visit and I am so sorry about your grandfather. Mine passed away this past November and it is hard to see someone lose their only parent left. No matter how old either of them are.

SherrySt · April 2011

Laurie, I'm sorry for what you are going thru with your father and for the loss of your mother. I wonder if your father is depressed? Is there any way you can get him to a dr.?

Laurie08 · April 2011

Sherry- Thanks so much. I have been successful as far as getting him to talk to a Dr. he is very depressed. He is on anti anxiety meds and anti depressants. But I would really like for him to speak to a therapist or join some sort of support group and he will not do either. I have no idea how to get him to see it will help. He says nothing will help, my mother is gone and nothing will make it better, he just needs to live this way.

my father can't get past it- 6 years now

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