relationship will not survive

Rennasus,

That story about your DH's first wife sending him to you- so touching. I know it must be hard for him to have gone through this before, but in a way, because he had gone through it before, maybe he was more prepared for it than other men would be. I have wondered how DH would deal if I had a recurrence in the future, but I'd be more worried about how I would deal with it, he's a rock, a sweet ,patient, loving rock. We have a little bit of reversal of traditional gender roles where I make most of the money and he takes care of stuff at home more like cooking and such, so perhaps that helped. Friends made us some food and stuff after my surgery, which was nice, but really not necessary as he does all the cooking anyway!

I was actually surprised at the clarity I felt in dealing with my mom at the time- it wasn't from a place of anger that I told her off- more just like- I know I cannot deal with her right now. She still annoys the crap out of me but I have the energy back that it takes to restrain myself from going off on her

Timerdog, sorry for hikjacking your thread!  Breaking up by text- good god! What a loser! Good riddance!

Timerdog, how did chemotherapy go today? I hope you are still feeling good about your decision. Does it feel like a 200 pound weight has been lifted off your back? Seems like it should, box up his stuff and leave it in the garage so he can come get it. Then take your daughter out to do something fun!

Maybe, maybe he needs a support group too?   He has stress in all of this.   I am not saying he is an angel, just that he may need more help than he is letting on. 

On the flip side, better to find out someone's true colors sooner rather than later.   

Best of luck in your treatment.  Take care

Hello Timerdog,

Sorry to read, you're having a hard time. I go to chemo by myself. The only time my husband came in the room he made me cry because he blamed me for having to cancel his work christmas party lunch.How embarrassing that was too . He was always there to give me transport  through AC, as it made me feel unwell strait away. Now with the taxol, i catch the bus in the city and back by myself.

When i was diagnosed my husband was very supportive, then at the time of surgery he withdrew completely from me. He was avoiding me and not talking. I sugested councelling for us but of course there was "nothing wrong with him ". I wanted/needed happy people around me. I didn't want to waste my life (not knowing how long that is )  with someone who didn't want to be with me anymore.  When i finaly made the decision to leave him, it must have hit him, i don't know but he changed back to his normal self, and he has been good for the last 3 months.

The AC was a bit hard, with nausea and flu like symptoms, had 2 daughters at home on school holidays, the house was a complete mess. It's better now things are more under control  :)

I am sure you will get thru this. I know it's hard but don't give up and it looks like you are doing all the right things like looking after yourself well

Take care and your daughter

xoxo

Timerdog- you should not feel guilty about feeling good! - those good feelings is your inner self saying "about time!!"

 Glad your first chemo went well. As you know now, the infusion itself is really no big deal. Make sure you drink lots of water and be careful eating anything that might burn or abrade your mouth as normal everyday damage we do to our that our rapidly dividing mouth lining cells heal up quickly so we don't notice- those cells take a hit with the chemo and can't heal as quickly. (I speak from experience on this one) I ate a bunch of pineapple my second round and the acidity did a number on my mouth. What chemo are you doing? In general people seem to feel the worst on days 4 or so after chemo and then start feeling better.

Timerdog,

Well I hope that you have made your point with him and he reevaluates his behavior.  As I always have told my kids since they were little...

"Sorry means don't do it again."

I have no use for empty apologies.  Hold him to it!  And at a stressful time like this, since you guys are working it out, a counselor can really help navigate the treacherous terrain of this (very) rough patch in your life.  If he won't go, you still can.  I love counselors, I think the whole world would be better if everyone went!

Best of luck to you!

Hi there girls!

I am much in the same boat as Timerdog.  Been married for 23 years but it's funny how when you thought you knew someone, you really didn't.  When I first found out that I had calcifications that had increased since a mammogram the year before, I didn't tell my husband right away.  Why?  Mainly because of how my husband is with people who are sick (with more than just the flu of course).  He can't eat if there is a show on tv about amputees or the like.  When my step sister was in the hospital dying from breast cancer, he couldn't visit her more than once.  Said he didn't like things like that. I always had said that if I ever got diagnosed with cancer that I would have to leave him.  How true that is turning out to be!

From the very beginning I have been on my own.  Once everything was confirmed, he never cried with me, never hugged me, in fact he has turned away from me. Oh sure, he came to the BS with me, but while it looked good on him, he was very detached. Wouldn't speak to me about it at all, especially once diagnosed for sure that I had DCIS and IDC.

Now I am generally a very happy, very strong individual. When I was first DX, my work sent me to Quebec City just to get me away from the situation for a while.  I was very touched by everyone.  Great people!  My husband came with me and I thought that this would really help our relationship. WRONG. First night was nice - he didn't drink! Second night we were having a drink in the room and I wanted to go for a walk after.  The architecture there is soo beautiful. Anyway, when he was ready to go and I said just let me finish my drink. Well, by the time I finished, he had drank 3 more and was upset because the liquor store was closed and he wanted to buy more beer. I told him I would get him some at the convenience store, and did. When I got back he opened another one and I was asking, please, can we go for a walk now? I want to enjoy Quebec City.The people at work would like us to have a good time that I can tell them about.  You know what he said to me? He said, "Chris. I am sorry that you have cancer, but now you are starting to play on it."  Where the heck had that come from.  I was so hurt. Just went out for a walk by myself.  I just didn't understand as I had been so upbeat and not dwelling on the fact I had been DX with cancer. Next day he said he was sorry, but the damage was done.

Went for the surgery (he did show up to sit there), but after that everything ended.  He didn't go with me to see the chemo onc the first time -  I went by myself. Scary. He did go once more after that, when I was trying to decide whether to have chemo (my oncotype testing came back at 21 so I was in the grey area). That decision was the hardest of my life. I did wayyy too much research which made my decision difficult, but one of the main reasons I decided not to have chemo was my husband's attitude.  I do love him very much and didn't want to face any more rejection (after the surgery he has looked at me maybe three, four times and the surgery was in November - it is now April). Figured if I gained weight (he has called me fat and I weigh 143 at 5'2") and lost my hair, I would really be alone. Don't get me wrong, there were other reasons why I decided against chemo, but that certainly factored in along with the pros vs the cons. 

I am now going to radiation and have visits with the doctor every Friday, but he doesn't bother coming or even asking about what is going on. Totally withdrawn. Drinks a lot on weekends - maybe his way of handling it, but I don't want to go home on Fridays because he is going to be piss drunk and I have to look after him like a baby. He is not violent or anything when he is drunk, but he is not a nice person either - starts out to  be, doesn't end that way.  Let's just say he has a way with words and twists everything. He truly thinks he is the victim here. Two of my three children do not want to be around on the weekends either because of the way he is.

I am at my wits end. Woud dearly love to leave, but can't afford to. Too much debt. So we are both stuck in an unhappy relationship, because I am sure if he felt strongly enough about me we would be pulling through this together. I am not saying he doesn't love me in his own way, but this is not something he is equipped to handle, and I can't handle that.I am a very affectionate person, and I need him to be a little (just a little) bit like that with me.

Sorry for ranting - just wanted to say that you are not alone, Timerdog.  I  hope that everything works out for you, and you can find some happiness with your BF now that you seemed to have worked out an understanding.

Take care and good luck everyone!

Thanks XmasDX (hearing you had cancer, especially at that time of year, must have been extremely difficult). I hope all is going well for you. 

I have told my hubby how I feel, but doesn't seem to make a difference.  He holds everything inside and unfortunately it is coming out in other ways.

I have been asking him for weeks to walk the dogs with me and he always says no. Hence I was very hurt today when I came home and found out he had gone for a walk with the dogs along with my son and his friend.

Ah well, I am doing my best to keep upbeat, and I usually win at doing that.  For the most part (besides the relationship) I am quite happy, but you are right - I won't forget the fact that he was not supportive and turned away - did the same thing when my father died.  Just his way I guess, but I don't like it.

Sometimes life seems just so unfair

Although I am blessed with the world's most amazing husband, I can understand why some men just don't handle all of this cancer stuff the way we would like. I know , for me, there have been times where I really don't feel like the same person I was before all this happened. I think differently, act differently, and my priorities have changed. All this while still fighting for things to be the way they were and for life to get back to normal. So I understand why my husband sometimes gives me that "look" like he has never seen me before or that I have grown two heads. I am not the same! I never will be the same. that's ok because life is a progression and we all experience personal growth. We're suppose to. All part of that nasty growing up gig! It's hard on us and also on the folks who love us. Not everyone is going to behave the way we want and sometimes it's just hard for them to accept everything that is changing so quickly. Just sitting down, holding hands and having some good old fashion talking can work wonders.