I feel guilty even asking

When they say 5 years they don't mean your friend will only live 5 years. It talks about the chances she will be alive in 5 years. There isn't a switch that all of a sudden gets turned off when 5 years comes up. It's just a milestone as is 10 years and 15  years.

Stage is only part of what they look at for prognosis. As Barbe mentioned hormone status, HER2 status, family history, age, genetic gene etc. all are important markers. This is a very complex disease… actually breast cancer is really a general term for many diseases.

A lot of things you read online can be dated or just not true. Always have her check with her doctors about any information she gets online including this site.

Here are a couple of other sites have reliable information:

http://www.cancer.org/  
http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/UnderstandingBreastCancer.html 
http://www.cancer.gov/

Stage link  

You're doing great! Yes, it does SUCK!! Say it often and say it LOUD!!!!

Cooking for her is good. How about babysitting? Chores like groceries, going to appointments with her...stuff like that. It's the little things she'll remember, like a little stuffed bear, rather than the grand gestures.

2 cm isn't huge, but it ain't small either. Grade 3 is more aggressive. She is HER2+ which is an aggressive marker as well, but now they have a miralce drug called Herceptin that is making a huge dramatic effect in the lives saved/extended. If you read stuff on the internet about HER2+ it would scare you to death. It's old news. You must focus on the latest research you can find. Triple negative is a hard diagnosis to get hit with as it's harder to control, so at least she has only one negative hormone marker.

Make her laugh till she cries. It's an outlet. Watch chick flicks to cry, it's an outlet. Allow her to cry and for goodness sakes, don't say "It'll be okay". You don't know that! No one does.

So, that being said, she will probably be treated pretty aggressively. It will knock her socks off and she'll need you there to find the humour, joy, and love in everyday living.

The best thing you can do is what you're already doing:  being a friend & listening -- I think your compassion for her is terrific.

I was best friend/primary caregiver for a friend who went through pancreatic cancer and I remember once she said to me that she felt like she could say anything to me because I didn't try to pretend things weren't true (like, cancer sucks!!).  So know that you are giving your friend a very wonderful gift.  My friend cried on my shoulder a lot -- but we also laughed a lot. 

One very small caveat:  make sure you don't take on things that she wants to do for herself... there is so little we can control with this disease, so doing some things we can control can be very important for self-image/respect/whatever.  You sound like you're being really sensitive to her so I don't see this as a problem for you at all.

The science behind being positive... well, I keep hearing there IS science behind it but then I hear the opposite -- that survival rates have nothing to do with people who are positive vs. the ones who aren't.  I do know that pushing your emotions down is not healthy, and having an outlet for them is important.  That doesn't mean you can't put on a positive spin for some people (I only told certain people the whole enchilada, and for the rest I often said things like I was doing well and focusing on healing and recovery) and it sure doesn't mean you can't enjoy life.  But cancer sucks, treatment sucks, and it's hard, and it often leads to depression (that's something to be aware of -- plenty of people end up on anti-depressants temporarily and there's no shame in that).

I used a lot of visualization (& other) meditations -- the kicking cancer butt kind of thing -- there are some good CD's out there, including some specifically for chemo and radiation meditations; if you want more info, let me know.

I did hate it when people said, "Oh, be positive and you'll be fine!" as if I really had that much control -- please! I also hated it because (as you mention) it implies that it's somehow your fault that you're sick to begin with.  

You were strong with your child -- you were there and you did what you had to do.  Being strong isn't not feeling weakness, sadness, etc. -- it's showing up and doing what you have to do.   I did really hate it when people told me how strong I was because I didn't feel strong, but I also knew that I really WAS strong -- because I was doing it, as hard as it was.  Your friend will have that kind of strength, too -- and when she gets to the other side of treatment, she'll realize just how strong she really is.

And you are, too, by being her friend and being there. Laugh with her, do what she wants you to do, have fun with her... and know that you don't have to have all the answers for her, you just have to be there and hold her hand.  You are the best kind of friend and she's lucky to have you.  My very best and a warm hug to both of you.

I think meditation is a GREAT idea!! There seems to be a LOT of waiting around during testing and treatment. She could really zone out in an MRI or CT scans! Also, it would help her to fall asleep. I recorate my house to fall asleep....

PS, GirlFriday, I didn't mean to suggest you were/are in any way controlling, and I'm sorry if what I wrote came out that way.  The reason I said what I said is because of this:

One friend of mine, Nancy, had kidney cancer, and when it was advanced she had to give up a lot... a job she loved, certain activities, etc.,  One day another friend, Linda, went by to visit and say hi... and as Nancy and Linda were close and had known each other for years, it was natural for Linda to just pitch in.  She saw that Nancy had a bunch of drycleaning that needed to go out, so as she left she scooped it up and said she'd take it in... and Nancy said there was so much she couldn't do and couldn't control, why was Linda taking away one of the few things she could do and control?  Linda felt horrible and told me this story and we both cried.  Anyway, that's all I meant -- to just be careful about stepping on those moments -- but sometimes there's just no way you can know and it can happen anyway.

I'll shut up now

It's normal for us to comfort those around us. As women, we hate making someone feel sad. I actually felt guilty for geting cancer! I didn't want my family to worry. So I was very calm about it and that's how they took it. I almost wish someone HAD cried with me!

The last thing we want is PITY. Do not show pity even if you feel it! It's also hard to become a statistic.

Get her a binder with dividers and help her set up her lab results, scan results, pathology report(s) appointments and questions she will want to ask her surgeon(s) and oncologist(s).  Having this info all in one place is a great tool and saves a lot of time when going from one medical group to another (especially if files are being transmitted).  For example,Oncologists don't treat common illnesses, so she'll probably have to go back to her family physician if she has other health items to address.

While many treatments are moving from standardised to individualised we still all react differently to treatment.  Some sail through, some are sick as dogs and the rest fall somewhere in between.  My motto was always "prepare for the worst, expect the best".

Thank you for being such a loving friend. 

Barbe and Iago:  I am so glad you guys shared this. I felt exactly the same: didn't want my family to worry so didn't tell anyone until after the biopsy. My son was going to take me to the hospital, but had to leave town that day for a business meeting so  I had one neighbor take me to the hospital for the surgery and another one pick me up.  Friends had offered, but-----

I guess in a way I have been selfish - having friends and family too involved would make me feel too dependent and I hate feeling dependent.

Iago - lots of wisdom in your post.  I, too, always hated feeling dependent.  I was supermom/superwoman.  The most pivotal way I have grown through this cancer experience is in learning to ask for help, graciously receive help, and let my loved ones LOVE ME actively. It was very significant for me to learn that it was ok to be weak sometimes, need help, and ask. Not easy, but in the long run, very good for me.
I always felt (in my heart of hearts) that I had to be on top of everything and on the giving end of the relationship for people to love me.  And I have learned that they love me FOR ME, not for what I provide, give, or do for them.

I would certainly NEVER say that cancer was a gift or that I am glad it happened. I hate it! BUT I determined early on that if I had to go through all this tx, I would gain everything I could from it, in terms of personal growth. And this was one thing that I definitely learned.

Yes telling mom was the hardest. GirlFriday I'm sure she gets your dry sarcastic humor being from New England (I'm originally from SE of Boston so I've got it too). She was laughing with you. I have the same humor.

If you don't want to take money for food tell her she can take you out to dinner/lunch after this is all done and she's feeling better. Making plans for the future will be good for her mentally.

Chemo is boring. Lots of waiting. Tell her to bring something to do (book, video game, ipad, knitting what ever).

Late to the party.. but I totally understand her insistence of paying for her own food. So you take the money, tuck it away, and deliver the food. At the end of all of this, throw a party with the money to celebrate the end of treatment and to thank everyone who pitched in to help.

Or buy her tickets to a show on Broadway... or or or.

*susan* 

Everyone has given such great advice and shared much about their experiences, I thought I'd put in my two cents.  I couldn't tell my mom, my sister told her for me.  I knew it would break her heart.  I have always been a "I can do it myself" kind of gal but, what I realized after being diagnosed is that the things we allow people to do for us help them to process what is happening to their daughter, friend, sister, etc.  We lost my 12 year old niece to leukemia and, when it came time for my chemo, my sister-in-law said she wanted to bring me to all of my chemo appointments because "no one should go through this alone".  My first reaction was, no, thanks.  I can do this myself.  I don't need any help.  For once, I thought before I spoke and told her yes.  It was one of the best things to come out of my diagnosis.  We (she) talked about her daughter more in the five months of my chemo than in the nine years since she passed away.  She had buried so much more than her daughter.  From then on, I learned that "yes, I need help" means so many things. 

GirlFriday, you sound like a wonderful friend.