THE WIERD ZONE!!!!!!!!!

I have wine every damn night-- figure I deserve it!

 Ladies,

Finally, I have found other survivors with whom I can make a real connection to!!!!!!!!!!! I have all of these feelings as well. The anger and resentment and sick of all the pissy "compliments" at looking good, being an example, so strong..........." makes me sick! Also, I want more than anything my old carefree life back. I feel so robbed! So cheated. I trusted so inherently and followed all the damn rules and jumped through all the hoops only to have my cancer recur and now I have to hear all over again " you will be fine". I will punch someone if I hear this again!! I have never felt more betrayed than I do right now. I have a terrific family and my sons are young men so I don't have to deal with not seeing them grow up but I am at empty nest syndrome and now our sex life is non-existent. I too, owe  money on a defaulted student loan that I have never been able to repay. I didn't even graduate with an A.S.! I can't move forward with my career now because I cannot get any transcripts.I desperately want to make a career change but if I quit my job we will suffer from all these hospital and Dr. bills. We were saving to buy a house too. I feel like if I follow my heart's desire the financial burden will be so great on my husband that we will drown in debt and be miserable. Also, I was fired from my last job and consequently let my life ins. lapse thinking that I would be fine and lots of time to get more. LOL  Well, now once again I am so burdened with guilt and unhappiness, I feel stuck in limbo and cannot move in any direction...

Deborah

Kathleen and Clariceak,

We are kindred spirits!!!

Reading Stephanie's post and everyone else's comments reminds me why after almost 7 years  I keep coming back to this place where we all get it. Rant on, all!

Moissy

There's a lot of great posts here!  In every one I have found something I identify in.  Girls, please, so many of you feel guilty about so many things, please don't.  I never did anything wrong to get cancer, never had the unluck of the gene pool, there was nothing at all.  So if i want a glass of wine, so be it.  I don't bother about exercising, I have 6 kids and if doing their laundry and cleaning the house doesn't keep me in good enough shape no extra trip to the gym will.  I am me, I am different, my feelings are valid because I have them.  I don't feel particularly strong, or like an accomplished survivor, I feel worried about insurance, money and rebuilding.  I worry there may have been a scar planted in my kids brains from mom being bald or sick.  It took a lot out of me, a lot from me and damaged just about every aspect of the life I had built up. With me, we know I will get cancer again, it is just a matter of when, so I am always going through checks and tests and pokes, and I feel like it's a huge innconvenience on time, travel, and schedule, and nothing irritates me more than a stupid doctor!  Fear? yes. But guilt?  Never!  I have today, tomorrow will bring what it will and I know you girls are here and will understand if I rant.  I am different, not because I am strong, but to be quite honest, I just don't feel I want to put up with all the BS I used to!  The only thing I ever said to myself (and still do) to help me is - God gave this to ME because if he gave it to (Mom, my sister, my friend...) they would not be able to handle it, and I can.  You are right imbell, we should all emulate our husbands!  Whatever will they think!

Hello Steph,

I know lots of girls have a really good prognosis, I didn't mean to worry you!  For me, after my treatment they told me I had an 85% plus chance of getting cancer again.  I'm not sure how they mix everything up and come up with the numbers, there must be a secret formula somewhere.  They never did stage me, the surgeon couldn't find my nodes.  Maybe they're wrong, maybe they're right, but whatever it is, it's Mine!  

The Weird Zone!! Sounds like a game show and it's exactly how it feels sometimes. Pick what's behind door Number 4 or door number 3.... I guess I picked the wrong darn door! I keep  waiting  for someone to step in and say "This was only a test. You passed, so now it's over". I keep waiting for the re-do button! Seriously? this is it? This is my life now? I wasn't ready for this. I want my old life back. Is this all there is? Future plans? I can barely think of planning a week ahead. Anytime I get asked to do anything, my response is always the same... "It depends on how I feel that day" No more hanging out at the karaoke bar singing really bad karaoke, no more going out with friends, no more intimate date nights with my incredible husband, no more nothing. I get out of the house on chemo days and for doctor appointments. On those days, I wear real clothes and make-up. The other days, I spend in my comfy clothes made up of pj bottoms or sweats and t-shirts. When I do leave the house with make-up and my wig, heaven forbid that I get a compliment, because in my head I'm thinking "wow, if you could have seen me a few hours ago, sans wig, make-up, and regular clothes, with my bald head covered by my sock hat, and my eyes circled by dark rings, I would have scared the daylights out of you!" I walk around in this unattractive shell of who I used to be and I find it harder and harder to find my true self anymore. I know how bad I look, so when someone tells me how good I am looking or how I am handling my chemo so well, I just want to scream. they don't see me puking every night. They don't know that I keep my puke bucket at my bedside. When they tell me how strong I am or that I inspire them. They don't know just how strong I have to be just to get out of bed on some days. Yes, I'm strong because I have to be. This is the life I am living, but it's NOT me. But since I am the only one that can live my life, I have to do it because I don't like the alternative. My friends wear their little pink ribbon t-shirts to support me and it honestly just makes me sick. Cancer is not Pink and pretty. It's ugly and raw! It's engulfing and stealthily stealing away my normal life away from me. Cancer is the host of the game show of the Weird Zone. I am just the contestant. I just have to make sure I win the big jackpot instead of the elimination prize.