Mom - sudden and scary

I am so very sorry that you and your mom are going through this. You sound like a wonderful daughter who is doing the very best you can do. Denial is not a bad way to deal with what one is enduring and it sounds as if your mom has chosen that route. I think you probably have no choice but to continue to offer (gently, as you said) to listen if she chooses to open up. Please feel free to come here often. IMO you are doing everything right.

Fangirl,  so sorry to hear your sad situation.  My mother is also in early dementia and seems quite lucid. Unfortunately she believed she was taking her insulin and other meds yet they were still in the fridge untouched.  We ended up putting her in an aged care facility where she has her own room and it's interesting to note that she, along with the other dementia patients, all believe they are perfectly able to live independently, that they just have a little memory problem. It's not denial, their memory is that they live fine on their own and they forget more recent events.  It's likely your mother really believed she was seeing a dermatologist.

Mum's reasoning is hilarious.  She has a perfectly logical sounding (to her only) explanation for everything.  People who don't know her history are easily fooled.  I found that the best way to deal with her is to chat about anything happy and positive, make up some story about why she is there and why she has to comply with routines and when she's unhappy, acknowledge her feelings then gently and gradually distract, distract, distract.  When one explanation doesn't work I think of a different one next time the subject comes up till one works. She is so much happier now. These strategies may not work if your mother is in very early dementia.

Mum is clearly not well physically though not with anything that has been diagnosed.  She gets breathless and dizzy easily.  So for me the name of the game is to make her happy at all costs.  If you can buy or hire your mother some DVD's she likes as much as the Animal Planet ones, that would help. When my eldest sister tells her she has Alzheimer's she's always shocked and upset and then forgets but remains sad.  I really don't see that it's helpful to be honest at this stage.

We also had a hard time dispersing her belongings and some siblings think we should not be doing it even though we have power of attorney so it looks like her belongings will remain in storage for now.

I hope your mother's mood lifts and she can be kept as comfortable as possible. So many in the nursing home have no or infrequent visitors.  You're such a wonderful daughter.

Cyber hugs to you....this is such a hard part of the journey.  Your mom is so lucky to have a wonderful and loving daughter there for her during this time.  

Fangirl, being paranoid is typical of those with dementia.  Mum thinks everyone is stealing from her room.  One day she said someone had been in her room and stolen her (used) toothbrush. It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes. She is sometimes rude to staff and other times a sweet old lady. The staff there expect this as they work with dementia patients every day, but in general hospitals they don't all get it which can lead to rudeness.

She told my other siblings that my sister and I plotted to get her into the home and have stolen her possessions. This is the way she explains away how she got there. The other siblings have all been very critical of us and think we have done the wrong thing.  I think she has fooled them by seeming so normal the few times they have visited, though she did make two amusing mistakes that surely would have set them straight about her capabilities.

My mother has resisted showering for the four months she's been there.  I think she has showered two or three times when we said we'd take her to a big family event as long as she was showered and washed her hair.  All the other residents go to breakfast in their dressing gowns and are taken by staff to be showered so staff can check for medical problems.  I can understand the humiliation people feel but you have opened my eyes to the dangers of not having her body checked.  Actually her teeth were falling out and she needed lots of dental work.  She also panicked and screamed throughout the dental work. We took her out of hospital where she was being assessed to see the dentist as they weren't getting a dentist in.

I found a support group for carers of dementia sufferers to be enormously helpful as they where able to normalise so many things.  Also the staff constantly reassure us that mum is very like the others, only a lot more stubborn.  It's the details that help me, when I hear that others in the home do the same thing, then I feel it's "normal".

To have a parent with dementia, injuries and so ill, all at the same time must be so hard as there's so much to wrap your head around.  We need to come to terms with the new normal and mourn our former mothers who no longer exist except in our memories.

Oh yes, that reminds me, if you try taking a different photo album in each time you go and talk about the good old times she will be transported back to happier times and it will help her feel she has a life.  If she compares then to now, just reassure her she'll be back to her old self as soon as she get's better.  You don't need to tell her she will never get that well again. It's all about illusion.

I so relate to what you say, that you aren't upset with her, but frustrated with answering the same questions over and over.  Yesterday I was tearing my hair out as mum constantly got annoyed about minor things and told me how to drive, how to shop, constantly questioning everything I said or did. Trying to remain calm and reassuring can be so stressful and I have to stop myself from "catching" her mood.  Wow, there was an item on the news last night about Micky Rooney being the victim of elder abuse from his own family and it's easy to see how people could so easily lose patience.

I want to start a separate thread for those who are dealing with elderly parents,  there seems to be no forum that is suitable as people in all stages, during and after treatment have the same problems.  Whenever I mention my mother, several others will say they are dealing with the same thing.  There is an unaddressed need. I need to find the time as I'm involved in other things at the moment and I don't want to start a thread and not be around to join in the discussion.  Maybe in about a month I will start.

So sorry to hear that.  My heart goes out to you, I just can't imagine how that must feel.  It's all been so sudden.  May all the happy memories shine much brighter in your memory than these last two months.

This was all so sudden, I'm so sorry... it's been a difficult road for you.  Grieving is hard and long work; please take good and gentle care of yourself.

So Sorry for your loss fangirl

Thoughts of strength and comfort to you fangirl......

fangirl,

I know exactly the pain you are feeling and will say that really there is nothing I can say to bring you comfort, but will say that I have good days more often than sad ones now. My dad, 63, in pretty good health, so we all thought, had a a small stroke that led to a diagnosis of mets pancreatic cancer and died within a week on in hospital hospice. My mom, who had benn on hospice for mets bc for almost a year died three days after his burial! This took place in June 2010. I have started mindfulness meditation recently and have found it helps my grief. Allow yourself time to be mad, sad, puzzled, empty, lost...all of it! I have learned that the large void that I know feel is a great testomonial of how they loved me. Some people go through life never experiencing that kind of unconditional love. Sounds like you did. Cherish those things. My heart breaks for you! ((HUGS))