Someone gets it!  We do. Yes, I feel weird all the time.  People put up a facebook 'BC awareness' status and want me to make it my status.  Like it's something I need to be aware of, as if other women aren't already aware of it.  

Post this if you know someone with cancer...  

Post this to show you know how badly they want a cure...

Are they trying to win points for being compassionate?  It just adds to how very ABNORMAL I feel.  I AM abnormal with my prickly flat chest and scars and endless hot sweats and fear of every ache or odd symptom, but it's also the loneliness of other people not realising it's not all over just because the big treatments are over.  

Some BC women might love those FB campaigns but they aren't for me.  

Life will never be normal again.   

OMG!  This is so me...except, I'm not Catholic!  I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis too and used these very words last week when I was talking to my DH.  I had a cashier asked me just a couple days ago, I had my scarf on my head, "so, you been in the hospital or something",  I said, "you could say that", he says, "so what's up", I said "well not my breast since I lost them to bc"  I couldn't believe I said it but it just came rolling out of me before I knew what I was saying.  His rude a** then said, "my dad had hogkins lymphoma and the funnest part was the day he lost his eyebrows, he rubbed them and the hair just fell out, it was so funny"   I don't even know what people are thinking when they try to relate to us, seriously what are they thinking.

I'm having the hardest time, I'm doing rads now and then my oorph, so tx is coming to an end and all I can think of is what now?  I'm not the same person either and I do like the new improved me minus the aches and pains.  But feel I'm so suppose to be doing something more meaningful with my life, like feeding the homeless or something.  My DH says I'm putting way to much thought into this and putting to much pressure on myself.  I don't know whether to go back to my old job, go back to school, be a stay at home mom or open a restaurant that's for sale near me.  I'm all over the place!!  I'm the same way playing the what if game, if I knew it was never coming back then I could go back to school but if it will then I need to stay at home and be with my kids.  I mean I love even the fact I want to do these things considering a few months ago I didn't think I was not going to see Dec. but geez.  Damn you cancer, you took my breast now you're making me lose my mind!! 

Went to a cookout this weekend and drank several and it felt great!  I had a night of not thinking about cancer for once, I felt like the old me again.  Then the next day the guilt showed it's ugly face. Seriously, what is wrong with me...can I not have a few drinks without guilt & wondering about the whole alcohol/estrogen debate. 

Great post, glad to know I'm not alone, sorry I went on a bit of a rant...cheers, to free therapy!!!

You're so right. It is the weird zone.

 Most people don't even realize I had cancer.  Maybe my wig was perfect match or maybe I'm just invisible.  But when they do find out, the responses I find most irritating are "you aren't a statistic".  Ok, somebody is.  Or if someone is especially rude and asks what my prognosis is, I'll sometimes respond with "not good" and I had a reply of "... with the time you have left."  I know it's my problem, but I can't stand the overly optimistic or dire reactions.  There's no way to win with me - at least with the world beyond these boards.

 My dh and are starting to plans to build a new house.  The guilt is incredible.  Should I restate that there is a good chance I won't be around to help pay it off?  Yet I don't want to leave my girls in the tiny, falling down around us house we currently inhabit.

I am cautiously optimistic, and I'm definitely not wanting spread doom and gloom to other Stage III gals.  But as Stage IIIC, with internal mammary nodes, family history that suggests mutated gene, and a bunch of other nasty stuff I mentally blocked off from my path report, I know it will take something of a miracle.

Nancy - needing your words....

Steph  - could have written that too.  43, three kids, people saying "I want to walk for you (komen)..." really? What the hell?  "You are my inspriration." Really, why? Ughh \

I want to feel the joy and happiness that I felt bubbling through when i used to laugh...again. 

I have felt so alone through all this, and i never thought anyone else felt exactly like me!! and you all have made me feel better!! i started crying after reading these posts. not cause i was sad, but cause i was thinking "finally, someone understands me! someone understands the guilt factor!" i have beraded myself with guilt through chemo, cause most of the time, i was feeling fine enough to go out with my husband and chill out with a few beers a couple nights a week. only thing that works to calm my nerves. and then BAM! i would immediately regret it, thinking i screwed up my chemo in some way (never drank day before, of , or day or two after) and was making cancer come back. uh! no one understands. not even the beloved husband. i was crying earlier cause my last chemo is tomorrow. and while yes i am super excited, i am super nervous. cause this is it baby! if the chemo didn't work, then i it's fast forward to stage iv, or more chemo. and i won't really know anything till after rads. so this summer. i think i should just try to stay happy about tomorrow. but any rate, i went crying to him about that fear, and he just looked at me all strange. had no idea what to say, or how to react. love him to absolute death, and he has taken all this in pretty well considering, but he is one that thinks once chemo and rads are done, it's all done. like the flu or something....

ugh!!!!

any kind words or cheerleading would be so appreciative right now! and thanks for listening!!!!

Oh, just another guilt-ridden Catholic girl here, also fed up with the word "inspiration" - no, wait, "inspire" - no wait, "role model"...or "well, if you're going to get cancer, breast cancer is the best kind" (oh jeez! I didn't realize I won the f(*^&ing lottery!)Stephanie, as usual, your post is right on.

I get so wound up about what I eat..before I opened your post, I was actually excoriating myself for eating half a Hershey's bar (and a burger from Five Guys, but that's another story). Then I would remind myself I did vigorous yoga today, and took my Arimidex, drank lemon water, blah blah etc etc. Jesus, it gets old! My onc is always (gently) telling me to relax about this stuff.

Anyway, as the other gals have said: it's normal. We've been to hell and back. But we are HERE! and we have each other to "get it" when no one else (no matter how much we love them, and them us) does.

hugs to all you fabulous women-

janyce

(((Stephanie)))...in my world, the words Catholic and guilt are intechangeable. 

NancyD...I'd be enjoying that next glass of wine a little more than usual because of your post

hdangelbaby...congratulations, you're almost done with chemo...hang in there...I found rads sooooo much easier than chemo...take care... 

Dear Faithfulheart and friends

I have tears in my eyes as I read your posts which express my feelings exactly, which I could not write about so eloquently. I am still having chemo but have the same worries about the future, loss of my former life and needing to do everything I can to position myself for a healthy future.

Apart from the healthy lifestyle measures, there are 3 things I am doing to as much as possible deal with all the negative thoughts and emotions -

1. I am seeing a psychologist with whom I can talk about these things and hopefully learn strategies and techniques to deal better with it all. I am thinking these sessions will continue for many months.

2. I try to think positively about my prognosis (easier said than done I know) by focussing on my doctor's optimism and the favourable stats for my stage (though I know there are no guarantees).

3. I rely on my faith to seek healing and direction in my life.

And I pray for all of us every day. Thank you all for your wonderful posts.

Stephanie.....well said!!!!  Now I need to go back and read all the other posts.....

((((STEPHANIE))),

I'll keep my response short and to the point---you will totally understand:

DITTO to your post (except the experience in the PS office).

You hit the nail right on the head.  Dont' beat yourself up.  I'm right here with you!

Sharon

Love this thread - right there with you!  I've been on a major guilt trip the last few days and need to let it GO!

In the last 23 years my husband had a heart attack, bypass surgery, a stroke, and prostate cancer. Last December I thought he was a goner but they put a stent in and he is back driving his monster SUV. He never stopped buying cars (he holds a record I am sure), taking trips and pretty much doing whatever he wanted. I thought he was selfish but now I have every intention of emulating him.

Awesome post.  Crying now in the weird zone.  I sooo get it.  Actually had such a hard time dealing with the Catholic guilt I switched over to a  non-denominational church for some well needed self-forgiveness. God is good even in the "weird zone".