Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

Options
13567…13

Comments

  • Rennasus
    Rennasus Member Posts: 1,267
    edited March 2011

    Supersally: That is a fine idea to just drop off food!

    I had family in from out of town for my surgery and they visited me every day and brought us dinner — but then we all sat down together to eat it. It was soooo tiring making conversation! I never see my family because they live on the other side of the country so I really wanted to spend time with them and felt guilty if I didn't. 

    In hindsight, next time I would tell family to visit me a week *after* my surgery, when I have more energy to enjoy their company. And I'd have my DH tell local friends who wanted to bring us dinner to just drop it off (instead of also eating it with us!).

    I had lunch yesterday with a girlfriend and was venting about this very issue and she said whenever she makes a meal for a new mom, for example, she just rings the doorbell and drops off the food... she never expects to SEE the new mom. I thought, why didn't I think of that?

    Did anyone else feel they *had* to chat with their visitors?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NSWTD
    NSWTD Member Posts: 210
    edited March 2011

    Well,  I don't have too much of a problem with this as I have only told about 6 people.  My hubby (of course), my SIL who also had breast cancer, my BIL(her hubby), my BF, and one lady at work (also breast cancer survivor) , my second BF who also had breast cancer.  

    I am private by nature and just don't like others knowing my business.  And, I am strong and independent and didn't want others feeling sorry for me.  And, I could not endure the potentially endless stories I might have to hear from everyone and their brother about their mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, mail man/woman, dentist, BF, etc who also has/had cancer and how they are dealing with it.    

    So, not many check on me and I am sooooooo ok with that .    I told my small circle and that is it.  Everyone I have told has been great.     

    I only told one person at work and she works in our benefits dept and was also recently diagnosed. I would not have told her, but I needed some help and I knew she would understand, help me, and would never tell others as she is bound by our privacy policy and she never would anyway as she has high integrity.   

    I can see by others posts that it looks like you find out who your friends are.   To me friends stick by you no matter what.   

    Best of luck to all.  I have found everyone on these boards to be very compassionate and supportive.  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • alamik
    alamik Member Posts: 113
    edited March 2011

    I have been there for one of my supposedly close friends. She likes to call me her "sister". I have been there for her divorce, her gastric bypass, her remarriage and her divorce again. Yes, it has always been kind of one sided but we have still managed to remain close. After I found my lump, she was one of the first people that I called. I moved away a few years ago so phone calls are all we have. She was very sweet and made sure to keep in contact with me the whole span of time between doctors visits to biopsy, to results. She promised me early on that she would be with me every step of the way and kept reassuring me that the lump was probably nothing but a fatty tumor and nothing to worry about. We talked a few times every day for over a month until I got my results. I called her and told her my diagnosis.......  and POOF!!! She was gone!!  She was very empathetic and then nothing after that! She stopped answering her phone, wouldn't return my calls and basically just fell off the face of the earth where I was concerned. I spoke with her daughter on a weekly basis and she didn't understand her mothers behavior either. The only excuse she ever gave was that she was just too busy to deal with someone elses problems. Well, she should have thought about that before she promised to be there to support me. But now I realize that she only promised because she honestly believed that the lump would turn out to be benign and when it was actually cancer, she freaked out because she felt pressured to back up her own words. I decided to clean out my closet too and she no longer is part of my wardrobe! She no longer fits!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited March 2011

    Goldlining, about 2/3 of your post could have been written by me. 

    I'm still reeling from a friend who wrote a perfunctory email "hope radiation is going well" and when I wrote back that I actually had cording, and shingles, she never wrote back.  That was over 4 months ago.  

    She was the kind of friend always telling me I wasn't living up to her expectations, but she was at times a great friend.  It's a shame.

    And what I wish most:  that I could just forget about it.  The relationship is over, you can't reconstruct a friendship even if you want to after someone dumps you like that.  I just want to have one day where I don't think about it, it's like a broken record.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited March 2011

    With all due respect, LtotheK, how did you manage to consider a person who always told you you didn't live up to HER expectations be ANY kind of a FRIEND at ANY time, much less at times, a GREAT friend?! 

    IMNSHO, a REAL friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ARE. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited March 2011

    Lena, that is dead on--the truth is, I was a big fat pushover!  Not anymore!!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • justjudie
    justjudie Member Posts: 3,397
    edited March 2011

    LtotheheK...good for you! Yes, forget that one She was NO driend. Anyone telling you that you are not living up to THEIR expectations, needs to be parked at the curb!! That is not a friend.



    And Alamik, your ex-friend should be sooo ashamed of herself. Sometimes it is just shocking to find out how very uncaring some people can be. But you need to remember it is THEIR shortcoming....it is not you. It still hurts though.



    a life threatening illness certainly does show you who your friends truly are. But it also shows what kind of people they are.



    Judie



    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Rennasus
    Rennasus Member Posts: 1,267
    edited March 2011

    I second that!

    Here is my rif on the old saying, "Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it."

    How about: "Breast cancer doesn't build friendships, it reveals them." 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Lena
    Lena Member Posts: 1,036
    edited March 2011

    LtotheK -- good for you to grow a backbone!  {{{{hugs}}}}

    Ren -- there are other threads where something similar is said about BC -- that it "separates the boys from the men!" 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • cookiegal
    cookiegal Member Posts: 3,296
    edited March 2011

    It's intresting..some people who I thought would be to lazy to see me, we huge helps...others were surprisingly hard to find. Overall people were good. I didn't do chemo but I had a very long hard recovery from surgery.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • alamik
    alamik Member Posts: 113
    edited March 2011

    Rennasus~~~~~ I love your quote! And justjudie~~~ You are so right! I have moved on and I wish her the best as well. Of course I remain close to her daughter so I will always know what is going on with her life and I would be there for her again if she ever needs me. But my treatment and my goal to live doesn't change whether she is in my lfie or not. thanks everyone for the wonderul posts. It helps to know that others have dealt with this too and come out victorious!! finally someone gets it!!! Thanks!!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • thefuzzylemon
    thefuzzylemon Member Posts: 2,630
    edited March 2011

    Ditto Rennasus - Well said!! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Rennasus
    Rennasus Member Posts: 1,267
    edited March 2011

    Thanks ladies! Just wanted to share I had dinner over the weekend with DH and his sons and their significant others. No one asked how I was doing. Not even a "How are you feeling?" It was so strange — like nothing had ever happened! We did not bring it up either (though I would have been happy to talk about it a little if anybody had asked how I was.) I realize it might be awkward for the boys to ask, but the girls too?

    To their credit, the boys did ask their Dad several times how I was doing when they would speak with DH on the phone. (DH downplayed everything so they would not worry and told them I was doing good, that they caught it early, that all would be OK.) I guess they figure all is OK because that's what DH told them So I guess I should not complain.

    But I am conflicted. Next time should I just talk about what is going on with me at the dinner table even though no one asks? Should DH mention it to get a [likely awkward] conversation going? Should I just forget acknowledgment about my health situation and move on, business as usual with the kids? Do I make this a teaching opportunity? (And if so, how do I do that as a woman who never raised children of her own and has only been their stepmom for a few years?)

    Any suggestions would me most appreciated!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Alyad
    Alyad Member Posts: 817
    edited March 2011

    I have been lucky not to have lost any friends, but I have always been one of those people who just has a small handful of close friends. There is another thread called the Dumbest Things someone has said to/about you:

    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/744439?page=136#idx_4061

    its filled with pages of stories like these,plus the sometimes humorous and sometimes horrifying things people say to breast cancer patients.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • thefuzzylemon
    thefuzzylemon Member Posts: 2,630
    edited March 2011

    Rennasus - It is such a big part of my life and the life of my family and close friends, that I can't imagine not talking about it ... I say let it out if you want to!  Play your cards :)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited March 2011

    My one friend (not BF) came throu for me with flying colors.She is a 26 yr cancer survivor.When I had to do the rads.she opened her home to me knowing i would not be comfortable doing tx living alone.She treated me like a queen.Mind you she is going for chemo every 3 weeks and works BUT her out of all my friends opened her home and heart to welcome me.She has now become my hero.Thank you Phyllis.I really think you have to walk the walk to really truly understand all the dynamics of this giant monster.

    My family and other friends were there but not like her.I spent almost 3 mos.in her home.God bless you my dearest BFF.Everyone needs a Phyllis in their lives.I am truly blessed.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • lestwin
    lestwin Member Posts: 83
    edited March 2011
    swanseagirl:  I am from Swansea.  Been here since 1968.  Originally from Landore, married and englishman (yea, I know but what are you going to do).  Also lived in Plasmarl and Brynhyfrd and my twin lives in Clydach.  Can't figure out how to PM at the moment.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • tinkertude
    tinkertude Member Posts: 2,047
    edited March 2011

    Rennasus Love your quote it is so true... Havent spoken to my "suppossed" bff since sept.... we were friends for 26 years... then friends who I thought were just aquatinces keep in touch... I am so grateful for them and need to put the other friend where she belongs.... we need to surround ourselves with good things not only for our body but our hearts!!

    night sisters..:)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Angelice
    Angelice Member Posts: 1,739
    edited March 2011

    its like we don't have enough to worry about , with out the added stress of there stupidity  so called great friends .. it becomes about them,,,  how there so sad and there not coping with the breast cancer .. um hello !!!!!!!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Sleuth01
    Sleuth01 Member Posts: 42
    edited March 2011

    My sister, who is my only relative here in NYC, can't deal with it. I had the first of my two surgeries last September. I have been through one round of chemo and recently started radiation therapy. I have seen her exactly 2 times since then and spoken to her on the phone no more than 10 times.  We are talking about 6 months!!!  She never even called after the second surgery to see if I lived through it. She lives 20 minutes from me so coming over is no problem. She works so I can understand not being able to come over, but what is so hard about picking up a phone and calling or even sending an email. When this first started, she actually told me she didn't want to hear about my cancer or treatments. 

    I cannot begin to tell you the tears I have shed over this. Our relationship is permanently damaged. I will never be able to forgive her for abandoning me. She knows I have nobody else. I am not married and don't have any friends or family other than her where I live.

    I am really heartbroken and, quite honestly, shocked at her behavior.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited March 2011

    This came to me some time ago: it is better to give your energy to the people who did help you than to harbor resentment for those who didn't.  Forget them.  I realized I am robbing the good people in my life of precious time and energy by focusing on the people who hurt me.

    The sad fact is, people are terribly limited.  More than we can understand.  It is not my M.O.--I was at the hospital and helped my friend with cancer every step of the way.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • EastCoastGrl
    EastCoastGrl Member Posts: 282
    edited March 2011

    Thanks for starting this thread. It has been soooo helpful to me to read all of your experiences with this. I have similiar things happening in my life. (no cancer groupie yet though, thank goodness! lol ) and have had a rough time with how it made me feel. It has really helped me to know that you all have some similar experiences and it's not just me who feels this way.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GabbyCal
    GabbyCal Member Posts: 277
    edited March 2011

    Rennasus - I saw your post about how your DH downplays your diagnosis with his adult sons and you had a dinner and no one asked about how you're doing. I had a similar dynamic going on with my DH, our adult daughters and their significant others when I was first diagnosed. I recall one day early on when everyone was here at our house and I had to go upstairs to "get a grip" as I was nearly in tears because everyone was talking about everything BUT my cancer.

    Eventually, I decided it was time for DH to step up to the plate so asked him to call each of my daughters before my first surgery and let them know I was having a hard time. That prompted a call to me from each of them that gave me a chance to talk about not only the treatment, but also my fears and emotions. Before that, I think my DH and I were both trying to shield them which is a normal parental reaction. I think we learned that when children are adults, it's a disservice to them to paint a rosy picture rather than giving them the whole truth. That's what we all want from our care givers and I think that's really what our children need from us.

    However, and this is key, I needed DH to be the one to initiate the discussion that I needed some moral support in a difficult time.

    All the best. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • supersally
    supersally Member Posts: 351
    edited March 2011

    Renassus, my guess is they are all afraid to bring it up or they have assumed from what you told them that it is no big deal.  I think GabbyCal makes a good point, particularly since they are his sons, your DH should talk to them maybe more openly about your needs for support and understanding and communication.  Perhaps they are trying to be sensitive to you as their "new" stepmom and don't want to upset you by talking about it.  They may assume that you don't want to talk about it, wrongly, and your DH can set them straight. 

    I am an open book to my 15 year old step-daughter.  She is exceptional, I realize, in that she is empathic, understanding, caring, nurturing, nothing like a typical teenager.  She has been afraid to ask me questions in the past and doesn't want to upset me.  She felt comfortable asking my mom or her dad though, and when I open up a discussion wtih her, she is very responsive and makes me feel better. 

    Sleuth01 - I am so sorry you are having that issue with your sister.  My only sister, too, is being very insensitive and selfish.  It does hurt, there's nothing I can say to take that away.  I do agree wtih LtotheK, you have to concentrate your energy on people who bring good things, energy, emotions and let the bad stuff go.  You have to focus everything in your body to be strong and as healthy as possible to fight your fight.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • EastCoastGrl
    EastCoastGrl Member Posts: 282
    edited March 2011

    That is so true. Someone else needs to be the one to say we are having a rough time. I think it is also true, in my case anyway, that I am always strong and go, go, go and do for myself. So along this path I have maintained that "I'm fine", put that outward "mask" on even though inside I'm not always so fine. And people just have no clue the emotions and what we go through from this DX. I do have a friend who said...when I was having a rough time just recently after exchange...just emotional, etc, ..she said she knew this had to be more difficult then I was showing. And this is so true! I think we probably all do this.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • tinkertude
    tinkertude Member Posts: 2,047
    edited March 2011

    That is so true, although some days I feel like no one can say anything "right"...One friend completley drops out and I have another who lives near me and always says talk to me about how you feel open up then everytime I do say maybe oh I feel like this because of the meds im on or whatever I get" oh yeah welcome to my world, I dont sleep either" really??? because last I checked we were living in 2 different realities. I know they mean well, but they dont get that what is just an ache or pain for them, always carries a different meaning for us... but now that the "big" surgery is over I should be good. I actually had a family member say," oh well your next surgery will be out pt, at least you"ll be home the same day" all i could say was yup!... thinking to myself do you realize this will be my 4th surgery in 8 months! geesh...

    anyway thanks for letting me vent... again!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • alamik
    alamik Member Posts: 113
    edited March 2011

    Oh the cancer groupie!!! I have an acquaintance that I sometime used to hang around with at the karaoke var. It was the only time I ever saw her. Well, after she found out about my cancer she started calling me and asking if she could come over. I was hesitant but ok, WTH.... so she comes over all jubilant and says "I can't wait til we can walk together in the next cancer walk" I'm like ok, but that's a very insensitive thing to say right now. She immediately puts on the ovelry sad face and looks at me like I'm gonna drop dead any minute and then says "oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think you were still that upset over it". The kicker here is that her grandmother passed away from breast cancer a few years ago. She's still my groupie as she gives everyone a play by play of everything she knows about my treatment. Her sister in law works at my cancer center in another dept.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Rennasus
    Rennasus Member Posts: 1,267
    edited March 2011

    Thanks for sharing, everybody. I so relate to what everyone is saying.

    I've been reflecting a lot on this whole friends & family let-down situation. BC has given us a chance to truly test our social safety net. (I knew mine had holes in it; they just turned out to be in different places than I expected. Now I know that yours did too!) So here's to giving fair-weather friends (and creepy cancer groupies!) the boot, and embracing those that treat us with kindness. 

    And keep those rants coming... unloading disappointment is good for the soul!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Sleuth01
    Sleuth01 Member Posts: 42
    edited March 2011

    Do you think you can ever forgive your sister for letting you down so much?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • winkwink15
    winkwink15 Member Posts: 3
    edited April 2011

    Hello ladies! I am new on this thread and I am glad I found this site!  I have a friend- emailed me once but after that I have not heard anything from her again.  Not even - how are you?  Not sure what to think of it.  I am sure she have her own reasons.  I learned that family will support me no matter what and I am very much thankful for all the blessings I am receiving.  More power to all of us here!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories